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texting with the Narcissist

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FlySomeday posted 6/7/2014 21:55 PM

Ok, folks. Just curious here as to what you Would have done and what I SHOULD have done in this instance. X npd douche texts me 1 hour before my Sons (8) final soccer game to ask if he can help with the 1/2 time or after game drinks/snacks. Great...but really, what kind of intentions are those 1 hour before. Like i'm not going to have it all together by then? I replied: An hour before the game? We got it, thanks anyway." I'm like ...well, I'm going to have to not how transparent and lame that was but acknowledge and thank him anyway.

I digress... throughout the fake reconciliation, I swallowed my voice..I didn't speak up like I should have for myself. Now, it is all over. I got ripped off in mediation (financiallY) because I wanted it over after 3 years!! I know, NC is the best way to heal and deal with the NPD. I get that and try to live through that motto every day. However, sometimes, I feel like I have to be a smidge authentic and honor myself. It was such a small deal and then ...he rolled into the following:

Douche: Your negatively is obstructive and impacts everyone else. Please consider that in our future correspondence. I hope you have a better day.

Me: My day is actually great! I don't see negativity in pointing out the obvious. Ddid you think I would leave snacks/drinks for the entire team until the hour before the game? Please stop with your harassing comments!

Douche: an offer to assist in not harassment. A simple thank you would suffice. I began my interaction with a kind gesture. once again, it was met with venom. PLEASE take the time to think through your emotions before communication. I can see, once again, per your responses, the conversation is going on where. I'm ending this text thread. Please don't respond.

Me: Oh good! Please stop.

I need a little post game analysis because situations like this rear their ugly heads all the effing time. The thing is...don't think me pointing out the obvious transparent bullshit offer warranted that bullshit shit. The deal is..he doesn't pay for shit regarding kids activities etc yet always expects to be included and then even 'accepts the coaches offer for him to be assistant coach'. However, no shows for more than 1/2 the practices and is just super lame. I say nothing...I pay for the all the clothes etc...trophies etc...scouting stuff so I don't have to deal with his bullshit. He claims he can't pay for any activity for the kids other than what he pays me and strokes himself for the cleats he bought our son. In summary, I'm the one pulling the activity weight and coordination of extracurricular activities while he coasts in and expects dance recital tickets for his entire new family! I feel like it is healthy to give him a harmless..."um thats lame but of course I got this" reminder. Does anyone else have to deal with this shit day to day?

Ok, I go back to my original question. How would have you responded? How SHOULD have I responded...for next time. Thank you all.

The day to day bullshit can make quite a shit storm ...if you let it...I don't want to let it anymore!!
-FLY!

woundedby2 posted 6/7/2014 22:04 PM

The best first answer would have been, "It's taken care of."

He's just looking for kudos for "stepping up to help out."

PhoenixRisen posted 6/7/2014 22:40 PM

I would have replied to the first text "No thanks it's covered." or ignored it since it was so late.

or you could have said...

"Great! Bring Popsicles" .... frozen items are notoriously difficult on the soccer field so that would have been fun to watch.

But definitely go crickets for all other texts from him.

Don't reply unless he sends you a question. Then keep the reply to a direct answer of either dates, times, or items needed (and try to limit it to less than five words.)

He is calling you names, saying your negative, being condescending just to GET YOU TO REPLY! He is feeding off your attention as his supply!!!

NPDs are like cockroaches. They run across the floor and freak everyone out. But they have no power and are really just annoying. You wouldn't explain to a cockroach that you don't like it in your house, and that you are a nice logical person so it should leave you alone. No, instead you remove it's food supply and it will go off somewhere else.... don't engage in that conversation with your NPDex. You replying to his absurd text with "Oh good! Please stop" is like sprinkling sugar on the rug to a cockroach. He will not remotely view it as you being authentic and honoring yourself. He just sees yummy supply because you are replying. He doesn't care what you are actually saying. He just likes that you are texting him back...thinking about him...stopping your day to reply to him... focusing on him! He is loving that! Instead cut off the supply and it will go away... just like a cockroach.

cmego posted 6/7/2014 22:41 PM

My ex would do something very similar. Wait until the last second, then complain if I don't thank him profusely. If I hear, "I was just trying to help…." one more time I might throw up.

Or, if I'm snarky (kinda like you were), he would be like…"Wha??? You are being unreasonable. I was just trying to be nice/help."

Yes, it is constant. I've learned to just turn it off/ignore the attempts by him to "appear like a great Dad." Yesterday he called after dinner time to check on our ds who had a very minor surgical procedure. I had let him know a few hours previous he was fine and resting. So, he texted to talk to the kids. I replied, "you can call, but *older child* is at the pool with friends." He replied, "Well, is ds there??" I replied, "No, he is out drinking with his buddies." (ds is EIGHT. Where the hell else would he be at 8pm at night after minor surgery?????). Then, before he could get snarky, I followed up with "Of course he is here resting. Feel free to call." But…I got my point across.

Here is how I probably would have handled your situation:

"I had it arranged by Wednesday. Maybe next time."

You aren't being negative. You are just stating the facts and showing him you had this taken care of a looooong time ago. You aren't nasty/snarky and left an opening for him to attempt to be a better parent.

I don't thank ex unless it is something that he truly deserves to be thanked FOR. I got the parenting stuff under control and he knows it. I try not to be snarky, because that gives him an opening. I just state the facts, but let him know I am 3 steps ahead of him.

Don't give him an opening to belittle you, he will always take it.

RavenWood posted 6/7/2014 22:59 PM

I agree with a simple "No Thanks. It's taken care of."

But... I'd also say let him HAVE it one time. 1 hour before game, he texts you for an ego stroke - tell him you figured you'd let him have this one since he is always wanting to help so bad and that you have NOTHING prepared... snacks, drinks, transportation, gear, outfits, etc. End it with a huge thank you. Then sit back and watch him scrambled like a mad man for an hour and fail miserably.

I'd be willing to bet that would end any of his fake offers of help for a while.

ArkLaMiss posted 6/7/2014 23:02 PM

Crickets! He's an ass. Seriously, next time say NOTHING!

persevere posted 6/7/2014 23:05 PM

The other responses were perfect, but I love the Popsicles option just to see him manage that shit.

peridot posted 6/8/2014 00:54 AM

There must be a full moon or something in the air. Having to deal with these idiots seems to be going around.

homewrecked2011 posted 6/8/2014 01:12 AM

Fly,, thank you for posting this. I received an email from my XWH and when I respond, he'll probably respond in the same manner as your XH. Everything gets twisted around and around.

Your post has helped me see why it's best to totally disregard any communication I get, as nothing is resolved with these people.

One last tip: What I do, however, is to post something very positive on facebook and NOT even mention XH. I've heard he hates it that I'm doing so well -- one reason why my fb is filled with happy crap.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 1:12 AM, June 8th (Sunday)]

mike7 posted 6/8/2014 01:53 AM

I agree with Ravenwood. You should have responded, "I really appreciate it, please bring snacks and drinks."

At the best, he realizes he's an ass because he didn't call early enough and you've called his bluff.

At the worst, he brings extra drinks and snacks.


win-win

SBB posted 6/8/2014 03:51 AM

I vote crickets. If he was an involved parent I would share this with him but I'd insist on defined responsibilities (one drinks, one food) to limit contact. As he is not I would not accept his help - no piggybacking in my involved and invested parenting.

NC is the goal. What works for me is to see all contact as bait. I am deciding if I want to take that bait. Then I think about whether it REQUIRES a response. Usually it's a no. If you send a jab you've taken then bait.

Kids/finances doesn't mean receiving OR sending jabs. Basically anything that makes me feel ker-stabitty I'll make myself wait 24 hours before responding then again decide if I want to take the bait.

It doesn't always work and I do still take the bait and send jabs. It is far easier to resist so I am getting better each day.

cmego posted 6/8/2014 07:01 AM

The deal with these peeps is…if you give them an opportunity to "look like a good parent", they will then twist it back to you. If you tell him to grab snack/food, they will then attack you, "Why didn't you do this earlier???", berate you, "What did you do all day, couldn't you have picked this up??" then swoop in at the last minute with the crap to show everyone how perfect they are saying, "It was soooo easy, why couldn't you have done this?"

When you point out they asked if they could help, they ignore that part.

I've dealt with this a long time. The asking, "Do you need any help" is to show off for someone on their end, it has nothing to do with actually helping. It is ego kibbles for them.

The best way is short, simple, put them in their place. Show them you are perfectly fine without them, have everything under control and drop it. It will save you a lot of energy. They don't care if you "have a voice" or not. Show them you don't need them, don't care about them and move on.

wontdefineme posted 6/8/2014 11:18 AM

You should have waited until 30 minutes before game, and said you didn't see text, but bring snacks and drinks. He would have had to scurry to get them or not. Meanwhile, you have it covered and don't look like you care. Otherwise, he gets his own day to volunteer and you ignore any texts that aren't relevant.

Ashland13 posted 6/8/2014 11:31 AM

There are a few things I never, ever forget prior to any interaction with xPervert.

1.) I think from his point of view. Not mine;

2.) I answer anything with a two-fold comment.

3.) I rarely say "no" flat out, even if it's what I really want. All it will do is bite me and make another mess to clean up.

You see, from x's pov, the game hasn't started yet. This is how Perv would see it. To him, an hour before, a day before, it's still not the deadline and to him he is early and oh-so-helpful.

Re. facebook, yes, that's happened here, too. Perv was shocked that I didn't have to go to the hospital having a break down when he left. In his pov, he carried our family all by himself. How did the dinner get cooked when he wasn't there, IDK, lol...

It would be my opinion to be very careful what you put on the social networks. I know you said you don't mention your x, but they do pay attention to us. It becomes a game of skill, of wits, so just...watch out, okay? I took all of mine down and it felt really nice. I had to adjust to it, but not bad when they were stealing my photos and putting OW in and not me but it was my life.

He would also think that the public will be looking, looking, looking (sing song voice, sorry), so he must look as good as he thinks you do, rather your parenting, is. Not "you", personally. Above all else in this life, what the public view is, is most important to many NPD people (sorry for general comment...this is meant in the ones I know).

What I learned to do with 20 years of this behavior is to just say yes. When I answer, I think of ways he could do what he wants but that don't hinder what I'm already doing. I plan far ahead, he does not. I am proactive, he is retroactive, spending his life cleaning up messes he makes.

ETA, Also, these times he maybe calling you negative, he could be journalling and reporting to his lawyer. I keep this in mind at the front of my brain whenever his name goes on my screen. I know you are speaking up for yourself, which I've also felt, but be leerie. Very, very leerie because we don't ever know what could bite us.

NPD positively thrive on negative comments of any-and I mean, ANY-kind. Some of them seek it. In their pov, it could be a type of fuel for them.

So yes, I agree with others who say, let him help but do his own thing. Don't think of it as competition, either, because though it may seem like it, it's really about him. Not even the kid, I'm sorry, but about himself.

Apologies for the long reply. This hits me all the time.

[This message edited by Ashland13 at 11:37 AM, June 8th (Sunday)]

Dreamboat posted 6/8/2014 11:36 AM

You pet the drama llama. You have been dealing with him for years, you should not have been surprised when he responded in a negative way to your dig. And you have to admit saying "An hour before the game?" was a dig. Why did you do that when you know it will provoke a negative response? Why poke the bear? What did you hope to accomplish by poking the bear?

A better response would have either been to ignore or simply respond with "no" or "We got it". Don't tell him "thank you" because he is not doing anything and his offer was admittedly lame. An offer like that does not deserve a thank you.

And you should not have responded at all to his follow up text. Your escalated the situation and contributed to the shit storm. That is not finding your voice with him. You FOUND your voice when you D him. You need to realize that there is nothing you can go or say that will compel him to be a decent guy. Therefore the best response to him is no response at all, because it does not matter what he does or says anymore. You can cut him off at the knees by not responding to his bullshit.

JMHO

devistatedmom posted 6/8/2014 12:29 PM

I don't even have a problem with your "dig" pointing out it was an hour before game time. I mean, sometimes they need to see that everyone doesn't run on their seat of the pants ways. I also agree, next time leave out the thank you part.

What you should have done is just ignored his next post. He asked a question, you answered it. He didn't like the answer, so he send you snark. No question there....so ignore at that point. THAT, would drive him nuts.

FlySomeday posted 6/8/2014 15:44 PM

Ok friends. I'm so glad I posted and have a little more clarity right now. In summary, the NPD dance lies somewhere between the crickets, maybe next time, and popsicles! All much better responses than mine.

It is a shame that anyone would have to stifle such good snarkiness all the time like this! Dreamboat--You are right, I poked the bear (LOL) but I really thought my benign poke was better than the one I wanted to say such as ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?? AN hour before the GAME??? Guilty though...I poked the bear. Cmego--so wise. Very wise advice. Phonix-LOVE the cockroach metaphor ..and of course the idea of asking him to bring popsicles. THis literally made me LOL when I read it. My kids asked me what was so funny. Couldn't share. Alright...Thank you all so much. I pray there isn't an incoming email addressing this shit . He is beating me down re: co-parenting counseling too! Doesn't end.
-Fly

GingerAle posted 6/8/2014 18:04 PM

But... I'd also say let him HAVE it one time. 1 hour before game, he texts you for an ego stroke - tell him you figured you'd let him have this one since he is always wanting to help so bad and that you have NOTHING prepared... snacks, drinks, transportation, gear, outfits, etc. End it with a huge thank you. Then sit back and watch him scrambled like a mad man for an hour and fail miserably.


OMG, this would be so funny! In my case though, it would end up creating work and stress for me, as he called me back repeatedly for the next hour asking how and where to get everything

Of course, crickets is best though. I love the cockroach analogy.

woundedby2 posted 6/8/2014 18:25 PM

He is beating me down re: co-parenting counseling

Never consent to this with an NPD. Never.

There is no CO-parenting with an NPD. And he will just use the counseling sessions to make you look bad and abuse you the whole time. They are experts at triangulation and manipulation. And they are very adept at fooling even the experts.

PurpleRose posted 6/8/2014 18:38 PM

Ditto to the above regarding co-parent counseling.

No way, no how is this anywhere near the realm of reality. Been there, done that, it was a disaster.

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