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brainflag posted 6/8/2014 01:48 AM

It's been about 2 and 1/2 months since my wife discovered my infidelity and betrayal.

We have two children together. A 3 year old and an 8 month old. My wife is obviously in a great deal of turmoil and pain right now. She is struggling with loving me and hating me at the same time.

Things have gone back and forth on weather she wants to R or not. From what I have read, this is normal, and I'm just going with whatever she wants at the time, but it's very difficult to know what action is best. For example: if she gets angry with me and tells me to leave and that she never wants to see me again, and I do what she says, she may get upset with me later for leaving...even though she told me to.

I understand why this happens, and I can only imagine what she is feeling, but I often wonder what the best action is to take. I want to help/allow her to heal however she needs to, but I don't know weather I should be strong and stick around even though she tells me to leave, or if giving her space is better. She doesn't know the answer to this either.

I know being gentle and putting her feelings before mine is crucial to her healing, and I am doing that the best I know how, but is it more important to give her space? Or to stay around and be present? If I give her too much space, won't she think I don't care? If I stay around too much won't she feel pressured and suffocated?

I want to show her I am committed to R, but I also want her to be able to heal.

Any advice is appreciated.

Matilda23 posted 6/8/2014 19:04 PM

Hi brainflag,

BBF and I are in limbo and in house separation. We have talked it out and if he needs space I give that to him. When he is okay with me, I do things in front of him to show that I am working on myself. He has says that does help him, for instance I'll read, journal, or even at this moment I'm on SI. I don't push him because it's his healing journey. So while he is working on himself, I wish on myself too.

I've read many different situations and every situation is different. You have to find what will work for her. BBF kicked me out. I left. Then he decided in house separation. Others still live together in the same room. Others have moved out but help out everyday. Idk what she needs with space, but she needs to feel safe with you so continue to work on yourself.

beenthere2? posted 6/9/2014 01:12 AM

Are you in MC? Our MC told us that we needed to go at least 4-6 weeks without saying the word "divorce" in your case her telling you to leave. It really helped us.

Maybe when she tells you to leave, you take a walk or go into another room.

brainflag posted 6/14/2014 03:22 AM

Matilda and Beenthere,
Thanks to you both. Good advice.

walktheline posted 6/14/2014 10:21 AM

I probably don't have great insight, as my marriage did not survive my infidelity.

But I can say that when I ask for space and I don't get it, I get irritated. I need to process emotions within myself first, and then talk about them.

Your BW says she doesn't know the answer -- if she wants space when she asks for it, or if she wants you to stick around. Why not just tell her, "BW, if you ask me for space, I'm going to give it to you, because I want you to know I hear what you're saying and that I'm able to respond to it."

Then, in the future if she realizes space is not what she wants, she can tell you.

I agree with the others re: taking a walk, going into another room, etc, when she asks for space.

Michonne posted 6/26/2014 10:04 AM

From my experience give her space if she asks of it. Sometimes we need time alone to collect our thoughts and have a break from the heart ache and triggers. The biggest trigger can be just seeing you. But always be close. Text her make sure shes okay and that you miss her try not to drop the 'L' word too much that would fire me up again. After all how can you cheat on someone you say you love.
If your friends and family know call them ask them to spontaneously drop in by her or have them organise a day out with her without the kids. Shes gonna be messed up for a while and having little ones to look after is going to be hectic on her, hopefully being around other people will help her to talk through things and let some of the hurt and anger go she may choose not to go out as crying in a messy heap at home seems better than showing ourselves to the world when we feel invisible. Surprised visits or outings may work best. Always keep eye drops at home for red eyes.
Lots of understanding let her talk through everything, answer all her questions be honest take your memory pills because shes going to want every little sordid detail and shes going to ask the same things over and over again until she feels she has processed all the information. Give her a tight hug even if she doesnt want it and pushes you away hug the shit out of her. And when you think things are looking up they probably are but she will always have the sad moments in years to come.
We hurt so much, because we love you too much please keep that in mind. Hope this helps goodluck.

Michonne posted 6/26/2014 10:16 AM

Everyone is different though and Im not a counsellor this was from my experience. But hugs go a long way even when your pushed away.