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Nothing like sending reality check

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Acer0112 posted 6/8/2014 12:11 PM

So tough weekend, I know WH spent it with OW, she flew into town. I don't have any idea where they are or what they did. But our dog decided to eat half a rubber toy today, of course on a Sunday. Left message for vet. Sent email to WH. Might have to go into vet emergency if he starts to show distress $$$$.

Wonder how that is to get a dose of your real life when you are rolling around in lala land. probably made him pull the sheets over his head or grab another beer. Ugh. Dealing with kids and dog is what I do, but I wish I had old H to deal with me.

I don't know why I can't get a break this month, washer broke, freezer broke, DD emergency surgery, now the dog worries. Just waiting for the next big expense. We don't have washer, no ice and can't sell fridge with house now, DD is healing great. Fun.

KeepOnMovin posted 6/8/2014 14:12 PM

HI Acer. I"m sorry your weekend is sucking. Just wanted you to know you've been heard. seems like these setbacks occur in bunches, huh? People always say things like, "the Lord will only give you what you can handle." but holy crap! sometimes it feels like you're really being tested. it seems really unfair. i've been on that tipping point many times.

Much like your situation, STBXWW has done absolutely nothing to help me emotionally and nothing to get our divorce moving. she just packed the things she wanted to take and left me with 20 years of crap and all of the kids' things. So, it's up to me to do EVERYTHING. De-clutter the house, and take care of all of the repairs to get it ready to sell.

But you know what? it was that way in my old life too. Before i knew anything about the A, I did pretty much everything, kid related, pet related, house related, inside and out. Sounds like your situation too. You are the reliable one. the one that takes care of EVERYTHING. So, when you think you need help from him, you have to ask yourself if you really got it from him anyway. am i right?

I read a post you wrote in response to another BS recently. i remember you had written something about you wanting him to feel bad of guilty or something. i know exactly what you mean! i want STBX to feel that way too. i even reached out to her the other day, in hopes she would at least acknowledge my value and how much she hurt me.

Her response was basically the same. She could give a shit less. She doesn't want to admit she's responsible for really fucking up a lot of people. She has no empathy at all. She was screwing a married man who had two small boys. his wife was a SAHM. STBX cared not not one bit how this might affect me, our kids, OM's BW, and their kids. only cared about herself.

so, please don't waste your energy hoping to see him feel guilty or bad. he most likely won't. he's just glad you are there to take care of your dd and the dog so he can have his fun. and so long as you spend your energy on him, you will remain stuck. (i know from experience)

I stole this from Shrink4men. but i use it to ground myself:

She won’t change.
You can’t make her better.
She doesn’t love you.
Things really were that bad.
You can’t be friends with her.
She’ll keep abusing you for as long as you let her.
She isn’t going to move on to a new man and suddenly be great and normal. She’ll continue to be the same miserable woman she was when she was with you, no matter how much she rubs your nose in how “terrific” her life is without you. THIS IS A LIE.
A few wonderful moments don’t make up for how abusive she is the majority of the time.
You deserve better.
You had a life before her; you’ll have a much happier life without her.

So, hang in there. be the rock for your family. they need you.

Also, my dog ate my son's chocolate birthday cake (an entire half sheet cake), while we were eating dinner. didn't kill her or really even make her sick. also ate a box of KFC, bones and all (even some of the box), still not dead. hope your dog will be ok. most likely the rubber pieces will pass just fine.

dmari posted 6/8/2014 15:05 PM

(((((Acer0112))))) I'm sorry that your month sucks and I hope that the fact that your DD is healing means things are going to stabilize ... SOON. Praying that your doggy poops it out and will be ok.

I used to wish I had old stbx to deal with life's shit sandwiches but then I realized, I always dealt with it on my own anyways. Just like KeepOnMovin realized. I was going to ask you the same questions ~ was he really there to help you deal with life?

KeepOnMovin ~ I like what you shared from shrink4men but I changed all the she's to he's. It's a good and quick "reminder card" for us, isn't it?

Acer0112 posted 6/8/2014 16:23 PM

Thanks all.. Unfortunately WH was a huge help around the house and with the family. I miss a lot of that cooperation, we were really a good team. I have been stuck. But this weekend is a new turning point for me, I am moving forward with emails only, but with the house we might have a few encounters.

I'm really going to try to heal more this month. His family reunion is in two weeks so another tough event coming up. I plan to get away that weekend and enjoy the outdoors, alas by myself with dog, but it's the new reality for me.

I also like the reminder quote, good to recite when I forget why I'm stuck again.

KeepOnMovin posted 6/9/2014 11:22 AM

Acer, i'm glad you see this weekend as a turning point! Any progress, is good progress, even if it is 2 steps forward and one back.

I always thought STBXWW and i were a good team. however, in my case, we did share duties at the house, but that was about it. She would stay with the kids and make breakfast when i did my long runs and i woudl do the same for her. But, that was about the extent of the team. As she became disillusioned with her life, and started shopping for a new one, she quit taking care of things. as i picked up the slack, it became very one-sided, and i became resentful, even.

Restricting to communication via email is a good thing (even better than texting). will help you to emotionally detach, which we all really need.

This is coming from someone who has been 'stuck' for too long. And the reason i'm stuck is becuase i do communicate too frequently and i am hoping to see some glimpse that she has the slightest regrets for tossing me to the side.

Glad you and Dmari like the list. it does help. My IC told me to avoid the pain, i need to lower my expectations. in a way this list does that. kind of accept, do not expect. i can't expect her to be something she's not capable of. k

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