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KatyDo posted 6/8/2014 16:19 PM

I'm away this weekend - a hotel stay in preparation for thinking about my next move. I feel such a terrible sense of loneliness for my fWH, but at the same time I feel unable to get past the grief and his roller coaster behaviour. My sense of self-respect is giving me pause about re-committing. Looking at some apartments tomorrow and feeling overwhelmed. I know we both still have feelings for each other, but I'm wondering...are things too damaged to recover? Any advice for this lonely heart?

Pass posted 6/8/2014 17:09 PM

Hey Katy,

I'm not the best person to answer this question: I'm in the process of divorcing from a foul, emotionally abusive, possibly NPD, self-entitled cheater. So the first thing I want to tell everyone is to run fast and run far. But your situation may be different.

When I first left, The Princess and I still had feelings for each other. I would have given anything to find a way to make our marriage work. One thing that really helped me was to find my anger. I said this to someone else on here one time, and he sent me a private message asking me how I found my anger. Here is part of my response:

So, examine your marriage with a fine-toothed comb. Find all those things that your wife has done to make you feel inadequate, all those insecurities that she planted in you. Make a list.

Then make a list of all the things your wife does that piss you off. Include everything from hogging the bed, to belittling you in front of friends, from cheating, to cabbage farts. This will be a big list. You've spent your entire marriage ignoring this stuff because you were in love, but now is the time to let it flow.

Third list: The qualities that you would love to have in a future mate. If you're anything like me, you will feel like you're cheating when you make this list. You're not cheating. You are analyzing your wants and needs. Once again, just let if flow.

Study all these lists. The first one will piss you off a little. The second one will piss you off more. The third list is the crowning glory. You will look at that list, and you will see how easy it is to be a good mate. You will probably see exactly the mate that you have been to your wife.

All your wife really had to do was be nice and not screw around - and that was too much for her. Being a good spouse is easy. No matter what your wife would have you believe, you've been doing it for years, but she was unwilling to make the effort.

Don't show these lists to your wife. Don't get into fights about the things she hasn't done for you. She has had every opportunity to be a good spouse, just like you have. The difference is that you did what you were supposed to, and she screwed around.

Please feel free to ignore me if you don't find this helpful.

[This message edited by Pass at 5:11 PM, June 8th, 2014 (Sunday)]

Pass posted 6/8/2014 17:15 PM

And by the way, there are thousands of other lonely people reading this forum. Weekends can be slow on here, but you will get more responses from others. I know that online people aren't really the same as people out in meatspace, but we are here for you.

Thinkingtoomuch posted 6/8/2014 17:30 PM

Hi, Katy

what Pass posted is a very good way of looking at and processing the whole picture. It really helps to realize all the things we BS put up with that we though were small enough to let go as time with WS went by.

It has been 3+ yrs. out for me, and I am still seeing more that I forgot about during the worst shock of it all. Last night I actually thanked God for getting me out when I did. I remember 2 disrespectful behaviors early on that I calmly and maturely tried to tell xwf and set boundaries about. He had said I was just trying to control him. 7 yrs. later he was still doing them and I called him on one in particular. It hit me like a ton of bricks what I had endured for 7 yrs. (it was rather important and something in public and it really held me back for 7 yrs.!)

Not that you're situation is the same, but as much a simpleton as I am, I know it doesn't take much to make me happy. Xwf wore me down and then hurt me to the core. Examine the M with a fine tooth comb. You'll probaly see things...


[This message edited by Thinkingtoomuch at 5:32 PM, June 8th (Sunday)]

badmedicine posted 6/8/2014 21:43 PM

Hi KatyDo,

It is so lonely, and for me weekends are the worst!! I feel ok when I'm doing things, but there is so much more down time...it can be so excruciating. Just try to take it one step at a time. Step one: find an apartment. Just try to accomplish this without thinking about *why* you need one. I'm also struggling with feelings. Grief, loss, shame, saddness...it's all here and I have each and every one of them. I don't have any insight on how to process them because I'm still in the middle of it. But, you have to get things done for your life, too, so put aside your feelings for a few hours and do those things. Then return to them. People say it gets better. So far all I can say is that it is different. Keep posting; it helps.

Justdone3232 posted 6/8/2014 22:08 PM

Pass has it right. My list for the negatives was overwhelmingly long. I had short list of good attributes...Guess that goes with the territory with an NPD wife.

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