Loyal spouse: Me; Disloyal spouse: The Princess
I'm not the best person to answer this question: I'm in the process of divorcing from a foul, emotionally abusive, possibly NPD, self-entitled cheater. So the first thing I want to tell everyone is to run fast and run far. But your situation may be different.
When I first left, The Princess and I still had feelings for each other. I would have given anything to find a way to make our marriage work. One thing that really helped me was to find my anger. I said this to someone else on here one time, and he sent me a private message asking me how I found my anger. Here is part of my response:
So, examine your marriage with a fine-toothed comb. Find all those things that your wife has done to make you feel inadequate, all those insecurities that she planted in you. Make a list.
Then make a list of all the things your wife does that piss you off. Include everything from hogging the bed, to belittling you in front of friends, from cheating, to cabbage farts. This will be a big list. You've spent your entire marriage ignoring this stuff because you were in love, but now is the time to let it flow.
Third list: The qualities that you would love to have in a future mate. If you're anything like me, you will feel like you're cheating when you make this list. You're not cheating. You are analyzing your wants and needs. Once again, just let if flow.
Study all these lists. The first one will piss you off a little. The second one will piss you off more. The third list is the crowning glory. You will look at that list, and you will see how easy it is to be a good mate. You will probably see exactly the mate that you have been to your wife.
All your wife really had to do was be nice and not screw around - and that was too much for her. Being a good spouse is easy. No matter what your wife would have you believe, you've been doing it for years, but she was unwilling to make the effort.
Don't show these lists to your wife. Don't get into fights about the things she hasn't done for you. She has had every opportunity to be a good spouse, just like you have. The difference is that you did what you were supposed to, and she screwed around.
Please feel free to ignore me if you don't find this helpful.
[This message edited by Pass at 5:11 PM, June 8th, 2014 (Sunday)]
Two sons: Now 12 and 14
DDay: Nov 15, 2012
Separated: Mar 2, 2013 after 17 year marriage, now divorcing!
The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous!