I have tried so many times to explain, in the sincerest way I can, to my NPD STBXWH, how horrible it is for him to bad mouth me to our children. That is it is one of the cruelest things he can do to them, whether he tells them something he thinks is bad about me, or things that he just completely makes up. I tell him NO child wants to hear negative things about their parents, and it is extremely painful for them. But he is a sick SOB and I realize I am never going to make him understand or care.
He pulled it on my 13yr old daughter yesterday. And this morning, left a FB message for our son to have daughter call dad. So as daughter was about to call, I told her to be brave and just tell dad that you don't want to hear bad things about me . So she called,(on speakerphone) and he started right off by saying he couldn't call her this morning because he knew mom wouldn't let him talk to her, and since mom is mad, they wouldn't be able to hang out today. NONE of that is true. He struggles to spend time with her, and he is broke, so he doesn't know what to do with her. And he is way too lazy to take her on a hike or bike ride, or play some board games. Well, my brave girl said "Mom said we can hang out today. I just don't want you to talk bad about her." He kinda fumbled for words, then she said, "so how are you today?" I was so proud of her. But it wasn't a minute later and he started back in on me.
A little backstory: 3 weeks ago my MIL sent each kid 50.00, but she sent it to STBX. They know about the money, but he still hasn't given it to either of them. Yesterday morning, daughter told me how it frustrates her that dad can spend so much money on son, but won't even give her the 50.00 grandma sent. She said "I am afraid he spent it." So I mentioned this to him yesterday, and he said he would give it to her when he brought our son home last night. They were spending the day participating in a hobby together that STBX spends a great deal of time and money on for himself and our son. And there is never anything left for daughter. The favoritism is painfully obvious. So when he got here last night, he didn't have the money for daughter, and then launched into a bad mouth campaign against me.
So, instead of hearing what she said and offering to come pick her up, he starts in with how he doesn't feel good. He had to admit to her today he did spend the money, but will get it to her this week. Then some more about how he had to leave a FB message with son, because mom won't let him talk to her. So our daughter says "Ok, see you later dad. Mom is going to take us for a hike if you don't want to do anything with me." He says "ok, have fun."
He literally does not care how she feels. I cannot comprehend that, but I am trying to accept it and learn how to deal with it and help her deal with it.
I would love any advice on how to help my kids cope with this. He does it to our son, who is 15, but not as much anymore. Also, legally, is there anything I can do, or have put in our paperwork? I am seeing my lawyer this week and will definitely discuss this. Just wondering what experience other have had with this.
Are the kids in IC?
He has a history of faking sickness (although he acts it out quite well!) and me calling him out on it. Those darn migraines and stomach cramps always pop up for him at the most convenient times!
[This message edited by GingerAle at 5:52 PM, June 8th (Sunday)]
My heart breaks for your DD
He has a huge headache from all of the mind games I've been playing on him the last two days.
AYFKM? That made me laugh. What an idiot.
Xpos accused me of "saying things to turn the kids against" him. They are all adults with families of their own. One DS was at my house when I got that email, in the bathroom. He walked in unexpectedly as I reacted to that email, which contained other accusations and threats. He demanded to see what was causing me to be so upset and looked over my shoulder before I could get out of it. His reaction was, "Send an email back. Tell him he doesn't need any help".
Of course, I didn't. But at least he could see through what his father was doing. To their credit, your kids can see through their father, too. By all means, do what you can to legally stop him or at least try to.
Document. Document. Document.
Anytime something has the potential to become "he said, she said" the one with dates, times and specifics tends to hold the most weight. Have a little calendar or file where you note what was said and done. What preceded it, what followed it.
Have your DD keep a journal. For her sake...she won't want to be a tool against her dad. Though I was the scapegoat child and eventually didn't care what mom thought about me since her mind games eventually alienated me from her. And get her into IC. Someone she can talk to without feeling like she's betraying the other person. Is there a DivorceCare for kids in your area?
Finally, keep giving her the message that this isn't her. In my recovery class we called the messages like your DD is getting from your STBXWH "Life Commandments". My mom sent similar messages. So I learned I am unlovable, so unlovable my own mother disliked me. You need to counter that type of message and it will be hard without bashing your STBXWH. Help her with this now before the messages bury deeper in her heart. Instead of labeling him, maybe talk about other, similar behaviors when he wants to avoid things (besides her).
I'm in limbo rather than S or D. DD9 will comment on how daddy didn't spend time with her but he did with DS. Or how she tried to talk to him but he's distracted. We talk about what to expect from people in your life. That it's ok to tell them they're hurtful. Or that when you're building a relationship and you see things like that, you make note and don't accept being treated like an option. MrH is more open to DD saying things like that than I suspect your STBXWH would be. I just try to speak to her heart and mind. Separate his treatment of her from who she is and even to an extent from who he is.
The little girl in me who is still unloved by her mother feels so sad for your DD. I know that as her mother, you care and will help so much in keeping his selfish damage to a minimum.
[This message edited by Holly-Isis at 2:05 PM, June 9th (Monday)]
