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How do you deal with you child seeing stbx having sex with OM!?

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burntchef posted 6/8/2014 19:32 PM

Been lurking for a while and I just had to ask for some advice as I am now battling to deal with my situation and feeling like it's just got a bit too much.

My son told his sister today that he walked in on his mum and her POS OM having sex on Thursday morning, he is nine!! He may have been mistaken but he did say "Dad they definitely weren't having a cuddle"

I knew something was bothering him on Thursday as he stays with me on Thursday nights, but he didn't want to talk to me at the time, he is quite a strong character and does shrug things off so I didn't want to push him and just reassured him I am always here for him and he can talk to me about anything. So the poor little guy has been struggling and hiding it these last few days and finally said something to his sister today who was so distraught she had to tell me.

A quick bit of background to my story, my wife joined a church choir, became friendly with this POS in the same choir and started an affair. Unfortunately my daughter was already a member of the same choir and watched her mum form a relationship with someone and knew it was wrong and started asking her mum questions and was told at one point "don't tell daddy he might get cross"

My daughter figured things where happening before I did as she was caught in the middle. This POS my stbxw is now with therefore knew she was married and had 3 kids.

My stbxw started detaching very quickly, left me alone with crying kids at night wanting to know why their mum was always going out. She would walk out the door at 7pm and not return until 2/3am. At one stage it was nearly 10 nights in a row. When I confronted her about there being someone else she denied it. Suffice to say I got the we should separate, she needs space, we are like room mates, and that perhaps we maybe better off with other people. Speech. I know now that this was probably an exit affair she was having, but every time I confronted her about their being someone else she denied it. So why lie?

Anyway I found out the truth eventually in December whilst we where on a scheduled holiday to spend Christmas with my folks as it was also my mums 70th (all my family live in a different country to me). So I had to bear the burden of knowing about my wife's infidelity yet being surrounded with family without being able to talk to anyone, with my stbxw constantly texting her POS OM whilst being a guest in my parents home and having a free holiday whilst I was in pieces knowing what she was doing. For the sake of the kids I couldn't say anything, as I didn't want to ruin what was going to be their last Christmas with their mum and dad together. Anyway my stbxw flew back home with DS2 and DD first so I did then get a chance to tell my family once she was gone and the sense of relief was amazing and they where just fantastic and continue to do what they can even though they are 10000 km away. When first told they where like is that why the bitch was always on her phone

Made me laugh as my stbxw was adamant she wasn't texting so much. Fast forward to Jan '14 kids told and my stbxw started staying over nights with POS the very next day after the kids were told their mum and dad where separating, no mention of POS OM but my DD knew and started asking me direct questions and I told her the truth. DD really struggled as the situation was causing her extreme emotional distress, as stbxw was trying to have an in house separation whilst staying over nights with her POS. DD really struggled and started to threaten to kill her self, started attacking her mum and social services stepped in and backed me up in asking the bitch to get out of the house. She now of course tells everyone I forced her out.

Anyway that was in February and she and her POS signed a tenancy agreement and moved in together in March. We each have our boys 50/50 but Social services restricted hours our DD will see her mum and in any case my DD has refused to stay overnight due to continuous emotional distress caused by her mum. Who says to their child "when me and POS are doing things we lock the bedroom door" and who allows their own DD to find the condoms they are using with someone else whilst still married to their dad?

Anyway, I would really appreciate any help you can give regarding my son and what can be done to stop him or any of our kids being put in situations that are going to cause them some real issues later on. Is it worth going for full custody? I think it's important that the kids have an equal share of time with both parents, but how would you stop the emotional abuse and would an actual court battle cause more scars? I appreciate that these things happen but so soon? Our kids are having to deal with their mums sexual relationship with someone else within the first few months of a separation. If it was put in a court order how could it be enforced. She only has the kids 50% of the week why not do that shit when they aren't there!

We will probably be in mediation soon so hopefully can get something stipulated then.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

stronger08 posted 6/8/2014 20:45 PM

Id inform her of what your son has seen and let her deal with it. If she does not address the issue perhaps a call to social services is in order.

ProbableIceCream posted 6/8/2014 20:58 PM

EDIT: I reread the post, and I get why this is troublesome in this case, so I redact what I'm saying below. I'll leave it for posterity because we're not supposed to delete things here. However, I have seen this attitude elsewhere and it makes me sad. Sorry about jacking the thread. I'm having a weird day.


Social services? For a kid accidentally walking in on sex? Wow.

I believe this sort of attitude towards sex (no, I don't think kids should be exposed to it unnecessarily..), that sex is inherently wrong and dirty, that is the real cause of a lot of issues people end up with.

My parents had that attitude, wouldn't even TALK about it. Conversely, I have friends whose parents were open about. Guess who's better adjusted and less embarrassed about sex, me or my friends?

[This message edited by ProbableIceCream at 9:03 PM, June 8th (Sunday)]

sparkysable posted 6/8/2014 21:34 PM

Oh I would have a big problem with this. Ugh. Are the kids in counseling at all?

Nature_Girl posted 6/8/2014 22:37 PM

I urge you to do your best to have a full-on parenting evaluation done. What you're describing is much more than a kid accidentally walking in on his parents having sex. Your WW is showing extreme negligence. A parenting evaluation can help determine if she is a fit parent. Because yes, I'd move for full custody. If a parenting evaluation isn't possible, then broach the subject of a parenting coordinator.

burntchef posted 6/9/2014 17:27 PM

Thank you for comments, it was just heartbreaking hearing my daughter on the phone to her mum in her room in tears last night saying "DS2 is my brother I love him and he shouldn't be seeing things like this,I care for him, please mum why are you making this so hard for us, if he tells me any more stories like this I don't want you to be my mum any more"

There are a range of professionals involved with the kids at the moment but more from a monitoring perspective as they are classed as children in need, I am trying to get them referred for more specialist counselling and they are being supported through behavioural support teams at school.

It's only 5 months in and on top of all this bullshit I have also had to cope with my mum being diagnosed with breast cancer (she is now clear though), I think I have just completely run out of steam and not as strong as I thought I was and wish I had a fast forward button.

A sad day for us comedy fans in the UK too RIP Rik Mayall, so just feeling very down in the dumps today

OK now posted 6/9/2014 17:49 PM

Report her to social services and seek legal advice. Your objective should be to win full custody in the divorce and you should be be prepared to be utterly ruthless in this regard. Make the most of her transgression; now is not the time to show any mercy to your STBX. Now is not the time to be Mr. nice guy either.

gma56 posted 6/10/2014 00:43 AM

What a fucking BITCH to do any of what you wrote to her kids !!!! That goes for any parent that puts another person before their kids. |

OK, done with the rant. But this just burns my gramma ass !!

Since Social Services has already restricted DD's them now! Counseling is a must. Be patient it may take awhile to see positive results, she has done some brutal emotional damage to them. Dumb Bitch.

I don't post often anymore but as you can see, I'm not known to be subtle.

Big Hugs and fight like hell for your kids, you're the only parent that gives a damn !! You're all they have to protect them against a cruel world that their mother has entered them into.

sparkysable posted 6/10/2014 07:57 AM

I'm with gma on this one. I'd be going balls to the wall with this.

burntchef posted 6/10/2014 08:39 AM

I will seek legal advice to see what can be done,I however wan't to send her this as a kinda final warning;

"I don't care that you feel you can go back on agreements simply because you change your mind. I don't care you feel that my proposed schedule amendment has flaws in it.

I don't care that you petitioned for our divorce first, I don't care whether I have to spend every penny I have in order to stand up for myself and the kids in court, I don't care you are in a relationship, I don't care that you feel you have to portray me as the devil and the worst most irresponsible and selfish husband in the world in order to justify what you did, I don't care that you feel you need to blame our relationship breakdown on me, I don't care you feel I wronged you by asking you to leave the house.

What I do absolutely care about above all is the welfare of our children, whilst you have been spending all your energy caring about the above, you have completely ignored the emotional needs of our kids, as you continue to put them in situations that are causing them extreme emotional distress, you have shown them by your actions exactly where they stand and that your happiness means more to you than theirs. This latest incident DS2 spoke about is a perfect example, he is hurt and confused, he may not say it, but then he doesn't have to, his actions more than show for it. I shouldn't have to hear DD say to you on the phone "mum why are you making it so hard for us. If DS2 keeps telling me stories like this, I don't want you to be my mum any more"

Then have to lie there on the floor with her afterwards whilst she is still in tears telling her how sorry I am she is hurting so and that we love her so much and what can I do to help her ease her pain, instead YOU SHOULD BE THE ONE SHOWING HER BY YOUR ACTIONS THAT SHE MEANS THE WORLD TO YOU! You are very close to destroying your own relationship with your daughter at a time when she is turning into a young woman and needs you the most, I feel so much pain for her and I just pity you, as I think it will take years to reverse the emotional damage you have caused. Think about how you would feel if you where her age and your mum had acted like this? Think about how you felt when you found out about your Dad's own affair? Of course we are way past it now, but solicitors and mediators normally advise no new partners introduced to the kids within the first 6 months and no new partners staying overnight when kids in the home for 8 to 12 months, for a very good reason.

This emotional abuse towards our kids needs to stop, you are fully able to control what you need to, the kids need to feel ready and stable enough to deal with things, your POS OM also needs to be respectful of this, otherwise I fear this will lead to one long and horrible drawn out court battle for us. I have spoken to the carers centre to see if they can help fast track some counselling for the kids and DD is asking me to let Social Services know about what DS2 saw.

You have been so wrapped up in trying to show the kids and the world what a true happy relationship looks like, when in truth the sad irony is that so far you have only shown them what a very selfish one is like.

Up until 8 to 10 months or so ago you where a fantastic and caring mum, please for the sake of our kids don't let them think of you only as their mum who was all that. You still have time, so start doing what's right for our children, before it's too late"

What do you think?

Nature_Girl posted 6/10/2014 10:22 AM

I sure hope you don't send that letter to her. It's too much emotion. It will be a futile attempt on your part, but will certainly give her & her lover(s) great fuel for laughter & derision.

Don't send it. It will NOT help your effort.

seethelight posted 6/10/2014 10:46 AM

Report her to social services

This is child abuse.

Kajem posted 6/10/2014 11:46 AM

Do not send the letter. Instead take all that energy and emotion and pour it into your kids. They need you now more than ever.

She's destroying her relationship with the kids. You can't be trying to help that relationship get better. It will only hurt your own relationship with your kids. Let it go - let her go. Concentrate on what is best for your kids.

If spending time with her is not good for them then it's up to her to figure it out! You have your kids to raise.

The hardest thing is letting the other parent make mistakes with regards to their relationship with the kids. You can not make them be a parent any more than you could keep them from being a WS. It sucks. Your energy is better spent on your kids-they need more from you to help them heal from the latest barrage of hurts.

The saddest thing is realizing the strength of my relationship with my kids is partly built from the destruction that XH did to his relationship with my kids. If he hadn't broken hearts, I wouldn't have been in a position to pick up the pieces.

It's one mess XH made that I clean up over and over. I would make the same choice again.

Please don't send the letter.


burntchef posted 6/10/2014 12:22 PM

Kajem and Nature_Girl thank you for your replies, I'll file it away in a big folder labelled near misses.

It's just my emotions are all over the place as I received my divorce petition today. To see nearly 20 years of your life together summarised as a few brief paragraphs saying how crap you are and a complete failure as a husband and waste of space and that you are responsible for all the fundamental issues in the marriage, just so this person who you gave up everything for can move on in the most selfish, way is just very hard to deal with.

Nature_Girl posted 6/10/2014 12:51 PM

We know, Chef. We know it's hard to be lied about, especially because we know those lies are a pathetic attempt by our spouses to try and fool themselves & the entire world about what horrible people they are and what horrible things they've done.

We know what it's like to have our spouses tell our children terrible lies & half-truths about us, too, all in an attempt to turn our own children against us. In a sick, twisted way it's better that your children know the truth about which of their parents is a demented, immoral person, because now they won't have doubts clouding their minds, they can move forward into the future with a clear understanding of what's happening. The rest of us have to deal with non-stop attempts at parental alienation and seeing our children gutted & torn apart by the mind-fuckery of their other parent. We have to deal with our children accusing us of the lies their other parent has told them. My heart breaks for your children, I hate what your WW has done to them and the trauma & damage she's caused them, I'd like to flog her publicly for it. But you do have the small, pathetic comfort of your children knowing the truth about you. You don't have to constantly be afraid to say "too much" to the children & have them taken away from you for it because, sadly, your kids already know it all already.

There is NO way to make a WS be a better parent. None. No way to convince them to behave themselves and not hurt the children. If they're already so sick as to be fucking their AP right in front of the children, then there is no hope for reasoning with them. Your only hope would be to have your children tell a neutral third-party who is a mandated reporter. This way the authorities can get involved and hopefully secure protection for your children from her.

ButterflyGirl posted 6/10/2014 13:08 PM

That's great you have 50/50 already.

*Only from what I know*, your WW can be pretty fucked up as long as she doesn't do it IN FRONT OF your kids. She could be a pot-smoking porn star, but if she's not doing it IN FRONT OF your kids, she doesn't "pose a danger" to them..

BUT, your kids now WITNESSED something. She can't put a fucking lock on the door? And yeah, she can't fuck someone the OTHER 50% of the time? Bitch..

It is REALLY hard to prove "emotional abuse" in a custody battle, but I would do something about this.. Your poor kiddos are already having WAY too much stress on them.

Hugs to you and your babies...

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