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I'm realizing I'm truly alone in all this as a parent

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HeBrokeVows posted 6/8/2014 20:32 PM

I guess it's finally hitting me that I'm the only true parent in my kids' lives. With WH seeing them 2 hours on a weeknight and 5 hours on a weekend, he's more fun dad not a parent. He doesn't bring them to his place he stays (out of state) wherever that is with whoever he's with. So it's not like he's disciplining them or working on site words, numbers, letters, piano, or any practicing of anything. He can't even support my discipline the one hour we are at a tball game. He is the one offering them comfort when I discipline with taking away privilege or time out. Or just saying no to my kids. I finally told him its important they see him back me up when I'm doing that.

Heck, he can't even say hello or goodbye to me when he picks up/drop off, and then the kids barely do. I'm mother Theresa with making sure my kids have manners to everyone including him. I always greet the asshole.

I'm in for a long road.

NotGonnaTakeIt posted 6/8/2014 21:07 PM

(((HeBrokeVows))) I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. Your kids may not show it now, but they know who the reliable parent that they can count on is.

Kajem posted 6/9/2014 14:02 PM

(((((((Hebrokrvows)))))))

Once I realized that I was THE parent in my kids life and he was a diversion. My life got easier, I stopped expecting him to be a parent. I am willing to bet that he wasn't as involved in parenting during the marriage, you did it then, too.

Your kids will come around, it took mine a few years. And congratulations for raising well behaved kids.

Hugs,
K

HeBrokeVows posted 6/9/2014 15:05 PM

I guess you are right. Maybe now that I've realized this I can embrace it and move on. I was just discussing this in IC today.

He was very involved in the kids life until the fall, then not at all. He hasn't been an active parent for almost a year. 3-4 year old twins was a tough time for us. That's when he checked out of parenting. Now they are almost 5 and over all doing great. They discuss their sadness and we talk openly about him gone (thanks to SI and therapy). It's helped quite a bit.

dmari posted 6/9/2014 16:19 PM

Glad to hear you have accepted the single/sole parenting reality. You are right ~ being with your children 7 hours/week is, I'm sorry, not parenting. My cat spends more time with my children.

Now they are almost 5 and over all doing great. They discuss their sadness and we talk openly about him gone (thanks to SI and therapy). It's helped quite a bit.
It will still be a roller coaster of emotions but you have a solid foundation to fall back on.

ButterflyGirl posted 6/9/2014 18:48 PM

Acceptance really will help lessen your frustration and disappointment.

My kids have an EOW Disney dad too. Absolutely no parenting skills, and he has the opposite rules of me when it comes to things like cursing and staying up late. But I was so sick of trying to get him to do the right thing, so (thank you SI!) I just put my focus on the kids. I told them that *I* don't approve of cursing, and they get to decide what they want to do at dad's house, and now they don't curse over there as much anymore!

The big thing was IGNORING the douchebag and accepting that trying to talk to him was as effective as talking to my toothbrush. BUT, I still had a chance when it came to the kids.

Unless it's to the level of a DCF call, I would try to ignore ANYTHING he does; and if you happen to hear of something you don't approve of, just discuss it with your kids..

The bonus is that my kids are already feeling independent and strong, and they love being able to make "decisions" on their own about things.

I don't think blindly forcing kids to follow rules is really the way to go. Showing the ADVANTAGES of following the rules and them CHOOSING the right way to go, now that's gold.

ideservebetter45 posted 6/9/2014 22:36 PM

Mine is the same. About 8 hours a week.Its his loss. She is an awesome kid.I can do this myself.

thishurts79 posted 6/9/2014 23:09 PM

I have been feeling the same way as many of you. Sad to say I actually was jealous of his time with them this past Sunday. I hope that they will see the day in/day out of my parenting and know how much I love them. I can't expect anything from him anymore all he does is disappoint. I think this would be so much easier to deal with without the kids being involved, but they are also holding me together and can't imagine my life without them. Sending strength to you all, we can do this!

ChoosingHope posted 6/9/2014 23:14 PM

Mine is the same - two hours one night and then a full weekend day. But I am fighting to keep it this way.

I just went back to work, and I'm exhausted. I try to remember that I did this for a long time. He wasn't "present" for a long time before he left.

Once I realized that I was THE parent in my kids life and he was a diversion. My life got easier, I stopped expecting him to be a parent. I am willing to bet that he wasn't as involved in parenting during the marriage, you did it then, too.

This ^^^^ is where I'm at now. At best, he's a terrible father and possibly a danger to them. I love them, and I'm their only real parent.

HeBrokeVows posted 6/10/2014 00:46 AM

I agree how much easier it would all be without the kids involved, yet they are my rock and what probably has kept me sane and moving forward. Some friends asked if I stayed in bed for days after finding out. I laughed and said um, nope, my kids woke up at regular time the next morning and I had to rise and shine and get them breakfast, get them to school and activities. So much different after a breakup before marriage. I could cry in bed for days back then. Today, life keeps going because two little ones depend on me for their everything, and only me.

My therapist keeps reminding me I've been doing this by myself for a long time before he left because he wasn't "present" like another poster mentioned.

We all have such similar stories, wow!

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