The first time I met OW I told my H that something was off about her. He didn’t see it. Even her then-H had said “don’t get sucked into her shit” to both of us. I ignored my gut and developed a friendship with her, even though I felt it was not quite right. While the A was going on, she invited herself to my house several times to hang out just the 3 of us (me, H, and her) and she asked me to babysit her kids (1 night after she had fucked H). These betrayals are probably the most painful part of the A to me. That H let her come in my house and piss all over me, which is exactly what she was doing. After Dday, H told me that she “felt nothing but empathy” for me during the A since she was my friend, and that she felt so bad about what they were doing. Of course I called bullshit. I mean, to actively seek out opportunities to sit with your AP and his wife over bottles of wine, while wifey cooked and washed dishes, and watches your kids? To me, that’s pretty vicious and sends a clear message. I am stuck on this. I know I have to get past it but every few weeks I get snagged, mulling and mulling—how could my H allow this? Did he really not see her motives? Did he get something out of it like she did? I feel like if he didn't, then why didn't he just keep OW away from me as best as he could?
We’ve discussed this a lot and he says that before and during the A he was very angry at me b/c he felt that I had emotionally abandoned the M, which I pretty much had. But he maintains that him allowing her into our house (instead of telling her not to come) was not an act of aggression toward me. He says he just didn’t see her actions as a power play at the time but he thought she was just trying to “hide in plain sight” by coming over. We weren’t that close of friends and her inviting herself to my house did not give me any further impression that she was just a friend. In fact, her behavior at my house was questionnable and I had said to my H after she left that I don’t feel like she is a good person or really my friend. He maintained the position of OW’s “empathy” for me for about 6 weeks after Dday, until our MC laughed in his face essentially (but not when I did). Now he sees that she was conniving and bullshitting.
Yesterday sitting on the beach watching my H’s reaction got me wondering whether it is possible that H was so blinded by OW’s words that he didn’t or wouldn’t see her aggression. Would seeing it be admitting to himself that he was being aggressive too, using her and the A as a passive aggressive way of directing his anger at me? H def has passive aggressive tendencies. I’ve seen emails between them in which she jokes about texting with me and he calls her gutsy. Like it was a turn on for them to be duping me. So he wasn’t entirely blind, was he?
I’m probably overthinking and this is probably doing nothing for my healing. I guess I’m just a little fearful of this personality trait of his. It doesn’t seem like it’s something that one can really change, since it’s not really behavior-based, but belief-based? IDK. If his gut isn’t going off about the 17 year old kid rough housing with my kindergartner I mean… I have no clue about what can be done about this or whether anything really needs to or should be done. H is trusting and that’s who he is? Or is there something deeper, like living in denial, going on? Maybe I’m overanalyzing. I guess it’s something to talk about in therapy?
[This message edited by veronique12 at 11:37 AM, June 9th (Monday)]
These betrayals are probably the most painful part of the A to me. That H let her come in my house and piss all over me, which is exactly what she was doing. After Dday, H told me that she “felt nothing but empathy” for me during the A since she was my friend, and that she felt so bad about what they were doing.
Oh V, I so get it. My H's AP came over, I fed her and her family, took a gym class with her and H when they were doing nothing but trying to impress each other. Men don't get the power thing with women -- he thinks that she was like him. . . kind of blindly stumbling into the affair. Um, no. She had me over during the affair when he was out of town to "help out." Really? Hell no. She was keeping an eye on me, and exerting a what tiny little bit of power she had in the world, over me, since I was in the dark.
My H is an engineer, and one of his favorite sayings is that he is "taking it at face value." Well guess what? There are deceptive, manipulative people in this world. He seems to see it in his work life, but he works with mainly men. Just the fact that this friend was willing to email him "secretly" should have been a huge, fucking red flag. However, he knew he wasn't being honest either early on -- he just didn't know where it would/could go. Hard, hard lesson learned.
Oh, and one of my favorite lines from the affair:
Mr Bionicgal: I feel terrible about what we are doing; I love Bionicgal.
AP: I love Bionicgal too!
[This message edited by bionicgal at 11:47 AM, June 9th (Monday)]
I'd like to think that my H has learned a lesson about people's intentions, but who knows? Funny how I would have once described H's character trait as seeing the good in people and very "live and let live." Now I'm seeing it as naïve. Guess that speaks to my state of mind.
Might be related to the A type behavior, but TBH this describes a lot of guys re watching kids. I'm a gungho feminist but I do think we're wired differently! Just last weekend a group of us girlfriends were sharing the dopey inattentiveness of the guys when with kids -- wife comes home, asks where is DD? husband says, oh she's around (an 18 month old); dad figures 4 year old is following right behind at the hardware store, etc.
[This message edited by musiclovingmom at 3:35 PM, June 9th (Monday)]