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Newest Member: AdriftSailor (46058)

User Topic: Dangerous path?
kate0421
♀ 40819
Member # 40819
Question  Posted: 12:00 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like I am headed down a dangerous path. I feel guilty about my thoughts. I've even told my WS about it. (Not all of it since it would be cruel)
We have been together almost 10 yrs (july). I have never looked at another man in any sexually attractive way. Recently I have been noticing other men. I think what it all comes down to is curiosity (yes I know it killed the cat). I have been loyal and faithful to my WS for almost 10 yrs, all I can keep thinking is he has only been exclusive to me for the past 3-4yrs. I have a great sex life with WS. That's never been an issue before (which prob left me more confused after dday) but I can't help wondering what it's like with other people now. I've really only been intimate with WS, and it really just makes me wonder ALOT. I feel like I could never be with someone else in that way. It really upsets me. And now I find myself almost wanting a break to "test the waters" so to say, but knowing myself I just couldnt. I feel guilty about all these conflicting thoughts. Has anyone ever dealt with this? Does it just go away?


ME: BS
HIM: WS
Together over 10yrs
2 children
DDAY 9/23/2013- 2 ONS (2009-2010)
TT. 5/14/2014- slept with OW1 twice

Posts: 280 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Florida
karmahappens
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Very dangerous.

Self destructive.

Can kill R too...

It isn't worth it. The only way to start to feel better is to heal you. Don't add a pile of bullshit onto yourself right now...you have enough to carry.

(((hugs)))


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaďs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3872 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
deena04
♀ 41741
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 12:16 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Raised hand here. I have not acted on it, but have noticed myself looking at men more and more. I will not act on it. I just think because he broke my heart, we have tried R, pregnant, working towards a better me, part of that is wanting to feel desired and loved. It doesn't mean it's a good thing, and I won't act on it until/if we completely call it quits, but I think it's normal to want to feel special and notice others. It's how you respond to that that counts.


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
L-I-B-E-R-A-T-I-N-G ME

Posts: 1322 | Registered: Dec 2013
LifeIsTooWeird
♀ 42093
Member # 42093
Default  Posted: 2:03 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're stuck in the jealousy phase, he got to experience new and you didn't. You're questioning your worth and your faithfulness at the same time. I can't say whether this phase will pass harmlessly or not. It all depends on how much your pride will allow and how you want to live your life. Before you do anything though, analyze each action and ask yourself if you can live with the consequences.


Me - GF (38)
Him - BF (33)
DDay - 08/13
Together 8 Years
In R

Posts: 133 | Registered: Jan 2014
rachelc
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 2:06 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

and go down to the MadHatter in I can relate and see what we're dealing with there...


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5789 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
mozzchops
♂ 42896
Member # 42896
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I started a post about similar a few weeks ago.
I see this as devaluing fidelity. You thought you had something you no longer have.

What's good for the goose, is good for the gander!


The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Posts: 119 | Registered: Mar 2014
kate0421
♀ 40819
Member # 40819
Default  Posted: 4:22 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the replies. And I never thought about checking out the madhatters forum, I will definitely check that out.
I think it's a combination of what you all have said, wanting to feel desired and wanted (now it just doesn't feel authentic from WS, more like that's what he is supposed to do, or has to do) and the jealousy, I guess I am jealous. I never got to experience something different and new, and before when I believed we were exclusive to only each other, it never crossed my mind. I know I could never do anything while I am with WS. God, I feel guilty right now just having the thought. But I have told him I am curious about what it's like with other people ( he admits that makes him a little worried but he also kinda knew that would happen and he understands why). There are times i just feel like cutting ties, but I know as soon as I do I will miss him immensely and just want him. Ugh
These feelings and thoughts aren't necessarily strong,they just come to mind alot. It's kinda circulating in my brain and I just can't figure it out. Sometimes I'm worried this was a dealbreaker, but I don't think I would have such strong feeling for WS either? Lol now I'm just rambling on.


ME: BS
HIM: WS
Together over 10yrs
2 children
DDAY 9/23/2013- 2 ONS (2009-2010)
TT. 5/14/2014- slept with OW1 twice

Posts: 280 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Florida
BetrayedbyONS
♂ 42603
Member # 42603
Default  Posted: 4:35 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Funny thing is, the first couple of months after my D-day when my wayward wife (WW) told me of her one-night-stand (ONS) I actually TRIED to look at other women and imagine them in a sexually attractive way but I just couldn’t do it. Sure, I can see an attractive woman walking in my office building or on the street and recognize that she is physically attractive but I just can’t bring myself to feel sexually attracted to any of them.

At first I thought there must be something wrong with me because men are supposed to be able to separate pure physical “sex” from actual emotions (like my WW did) and just enjoy sex for the physical pleasure of it. Then I realized there is nothing wrong with me. I’m simply a man with strong moral values. I’ve had 47 years to mold me into the man that I am and my WW’s betrayal, although very painful for me to forgive, will not cause me to change that about myself.


WS her 34 (when it occurred)
BS me 46 (when it occurred)
Together 9 years, married 5
2 children (1 and 3 years old)

Posts: 40 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Maryland
Forged1
♂ 43418
Member # 43418
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You played by the rules, held to your vows, you have the moral high ground - you were loyal and faithful.

Honestly, why would you stoop to his level?

Seriously, don't do it - you'll only feel like crap afterwards.


Me: BH
Her: Almost XW

Almost done with D
==================================
At this stage, I'm pretty much bulletproof.


Posts: 372 | Registered: May 2014 | From: USA
bionicgal
♀ 39803
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I lost some weight due to the infidelity diet -- and have been working out a lot. So, I get more attention than I did before. Also, after dday, I think I just looked at the world differently -- I was having a lot more sex w/H, and was more tuned into the undercurrents going on all around me. I was pretty blind to these before -- (the AP was a friend.)

So - in a way I get it, and yes, there is a little part of me that is like, "Heh," when someone checks me out. It helps my self esteem, just a little - evens the scales, if just a wee amount.

But the thing is, that is what my H and his AP were chasing -- just wanting to see a reflection in someone else of what they didn't feel about themselves. (i.e they were both aging gym rats, and wanted to feel like they still "had it," that they were sexy and desirable and all that.)

Here's the thing - you can always find someone to take that walk with you, but it is a shallow, and shameful walk if you are married. I've never had sex with anyone besides my H and so what? Might I be missing something great? I guess so, but I have never looked at it that way. There is a lot of bad and highschool-ish sex out there too - I know, because that is what my H had. Highschoolish sex.

I'll pass.


me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2247 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
kate0421
♀ 40819
Member # 40819
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks guys.
Betrayedbyons,
I did the same after dday. I actually went out to a bar drank loads of tequila shots. I was determined, as soon as a guy approached me I immediately shut him down. I actually was really upset with myself, I also though something was wrong with me. I haven't had those feelings anymore.
It's like I want to quite being with WS and then go out and test waters. But I know deep down I would lose him if I wanted to ever make something great of us


ME: BS
HIM: WS
Together over 10yrs
2 children
DDAY 9/23/2013- 2 ONS (2009-2010)
TT. 5/14/2014- slept with OW1 twice

Posts: 280 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Florida
Hatemyhusband
41633
Member # 41633
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, June 9th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes. And ironically more men than ever started approaching me, attempting to cross a line. Think it's a vibe one puts out.

I never imagined sex w another man until I realized my h had sex w another woman. With many mind movies about his encounters, came allowing my own imagination to run wild.
I started looking at men differently. Guess the vibe was out there.

One thing. I hold true to my morals and boundaries and I have great self respect. Wouldn't jeopardize that for the hottest sex with the most attractive man.

Not to say, I find myself fantasiZing a bit and know I stil got it should I choose to divorce H in the end.


Posts: 434 | Registered: Dec 2013
Jomarion
♀ 43659
Member # 43659
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Because my self-esteem is so low since my boyfriend's affair,it has been five years now, when I see a man interested in me I have a little lift inside. Before the affair I think I did not even notice another man interested in me. I know I would not cheat on my WS because I refuse to go to that level. During my boyfriend's affair, I was so miserable and crying all the time, my friends put my name on a dating site, and one friend said she had a man for me if I wanted to cheat on my boyfriend at the same time he was cheating on me, but I said no to both, and I took my name off the dating site the next day. The noticing of men in a casual way is new to me since my boyfriend's affair. Maybe that is the farthest my sense of revenge goes - thinking 'I could if I wanted to, but I won't because I won't be a jerk to you like you were a jerk to me' type of thinking.


me:BGF, 54, American immigrant. one son. me and my ex get along great, the most amicable split imaginable!
him:WBF,43, Polish immigrant
together since 2006,
DDay:October28,2009,after his 3 teen kids push him to cheat with OW.
5 betrayed me

Posts: 203 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: UK
BetrayedbyONS
♂ 42603
Member # 42603
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

kate0421
You actually went farther than me by going out to a bar and placing yourself in such a situation. I’m glad to read that you did not follow through with it. I guess, even under the influence of loads of tequila shots your, deep inside you realized actually having meaningless sex with some stranger just was not worth the damage to your potential recovery with your husband.

I also shared with my wife my thoughts, in general terms. I told her I had tried on several occasions, since d-day, to imagine having sex with other women that I’ve met and find physically attractive, but couldn’t really let my mind go there because I know what it would do to us. She asked me why I thought I wanted to have sex with someone else (i.e. to get even, I don’t find her attractive anymore, to prove that I am sexually attractive, etc.). After some introspection I told her I think it is mainly because I think she got to experience something that I never will – sex with someone new, experience that new relationship energy again, that initial spark where every little touch is exciting etc. (when she told me the details of her ONS she relayed that the “newness” of the encounter is what she found really exciting…almost intoxicating) I told her that even if she would allow me to have a fling with someone else I can’t really do it because I know what it would do to our relationship.

It’s funny; I thought that would be the end of it after we talked. Basically, I’ve accepted that I know I can never cheat on my wife so I just have to put those thoughts out of my head. Then my wife surprised me. (We have always been open-minded sexually, willing to try new things to please each other so I should not have been surprised) She said there is a way where we can potentially both have that “newness” of a sexual encounter and still stay within the boundaries of our committed relationship – erotic role-play. That resulted in several follow on conversations where we decided to explore this idea further. We have yet to try it (have to work through the logistics of childcare for an overnight hotel stay for the tow of us) but it is something we plan on trying in the near future.

Perhaps something for you and your husband to think about.


WS her 34 (when it occurred)
BS me 46 (when it occurred)
Together 9 years, married 5
2 children (1 and 3 years old)

Posts: 40 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Maryland
MindMonkey
♂ 41679
Member # 41679
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

After some introspection I told her I think it is mainly because I think she got to experience something that I never will – sex with someone new, experience that new relationship energy again, that initial spark where every little touch is exciting etc. (when she told me the details of her ONS she relayed that the “newness” of the encounter is what she found really exciting…almost intoxicating)

Thought about it. Got really close. But then this ^^^. Maybe I'm not the average dude, but sex with a random wouldn't be descibed as energetic or sparky. It would just be a hollow lay.

Doesn't mean I don't think about it. Do I ever. That door was opened after affair #2.


BH, 35, CoD, Military...sober since 6/17/14
FWW, EA/PA (x2) different OM coworkers
Reconciling since 8/1/13
100% ready to file at next dealbreaker...don't test me.

Posts: 209 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: NoVA
kate0421
♀ 40819
Member # 40819
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Betrayedbyons,
If I'm being completely honest, it wasn't my WS that stopped me, I just couldnt ever imagine not knowing someone or being close to them and having sex ( I was determined to find out just how great it is). Something about sex with a stranger just disgusts me. It may have something to do with my disease phobia, idk. I had so much hatred towards WS then, but it wasn't the thought of "us" that stopped me, it was just me and I now I am proud that I have such morals.

What I'm constantly thinking about is just leaving WS so I can go test the waters. But I know if I do leave, it could/would destroy the possibility of having a great relationship with him. I just don't know if it's worth losing him over. But what if I will always wonder? He has mentioned before that he does not want a "seperation" he said he will not just sit back and watch me try to find someone better, and only come back to him if he is the last option.- so I can see we would not work if I chose this path. I just wish I knew EXACTLY what I wanted ... Oh and being able to see the future outcome would be a plus too


ME: BS
HIM: WS
Together over 10yrs
2 children
DDAY 9/23/2013- 2 ONS (2009-2010)
TT. 5/14/2014- slept with OW1 twice

Posts: 280 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Florida
Topic Posts: 16

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