I'm 18 months post DDay and while we've been having a good reconciliation, I'm starting to have doubts now. Not about him - but rather me. It was a very good mutual family friend (all kids were friends, couples were friends). I had to bust him in an 8 week affair. He insists it was only oral sex (twice) however he managed to get and give me HPV. So, I have major doubts on this.
The problem lies in where we live. A small town. Such that I see her at every school function. I pass her street every day, twice a day or more. Every single time, it brings back those DDay feelings.
I have huge anxiety at every school function because I will see her. She was a friend who acted like a great friend while this was going on! I was doubly betrayed and it stings every single time I see her or pass her street or worry about running into her at the local grocery store. Small Town.
I want to move sooooo bad! But can't make my girls (ages 13 & 15) leave their friends. So I am stuck. I thought it would get better. Nope - not at all. The anxiety is almost too much to take anymore.
I'm stuck and can't seem to figure out how to move past it. I'm having feelings of anger again which I thought I was through but here they are again.
Nobody around me understands and feels like I should be over it. Quote: it was only 8 weeks, they only had oral, blah blah blah.
I, like most, am just devastated that they both lied to me, had me basically prep their dates in my own house and I had to find out and bust him.
Any ideas? Should I sit down with her? Would that help the anxiety about seeing her? Should I insist on moving? Should I just bite through it and hope it someday goes away?
Your character is what you do when you think no one is watching.
I'm so glad you found us, because you really need people to talk to who have been in your shoes.
"Only 8 weeks"?!?! and "Only Oral"?!?!?
I'm so frustrated and saddened for you. He gave you a disease while betraying you. Anyone who minimizes that is not worth having a conversation with.
Take a deep breath and know that we are all here for you. You fears and feelings are valid, and you ARE going to survive this. Don't let your husband or anyone in the community tell you what you should be doing or feeling right now. Read through our Healing Library - it's in the yellow box on the upper left part of this page.
We get you. We support you. It's going to be ok.
First, betrayal is betrayal. The exact way you were betrayed really doesn't matter all that much. Besides, oral sex is thought by some people to be more intimate than coitus, so maybe it's harder to recover from. Betraying you with a friend compounds the damage even further. The STD compounds it further still. And as you say, in many respects the lies are even worse than the deeds.
18 months is too little time to recover from even much simpler betrayals. The people who say you should be over it are either ignorant (and I envy them) or they're sweeping their own pain under a rug, where it will probably fester and grow.
What have you done to heal? IC for you? For your H? MC? Has your family broken contact with ow's family? Does her H know about the A? (I hope the abbreviations don't throw you. They come so naturally after a while. )
I understand your desire to move, except kids in HS simply do not respond well to that. OTOH, they can be so obnoxious, perhaps you and your H would like to move and leave them where they are...sorry - memories of our son at 15 are popping up....
There's a lot of material here that can help you. The healing library is a good place to start - link is in the yellow box, upper left corner of the page. Start with BS FAQs.
The I Can Relate forum has threads on double betrayal and STDs that may help.
[This message edited by sisoon at 1:10 PM, June 9th (Monday)]
The two women my husband was involved with both live and work here. I've seen them roughly 2 dozen times in the 2.5 years since his first affair. It's very difficult, especially OW2, as I caught him on top of her.
I do not have the same situation as you in that I have kids at home. I do not. And I can support myself. We've talked about moving. Just last night I told him I worry I'll see them when I leave the house. This is far from ideal and I'm resentful that this is in my life.
However, I'm not passive and powerless here. I could leave whenever it gets too bad. I could MAKE HIM leave but I'm not going to make someone do anything for me. Then he'd just resent me. I'm strong enough to leave if it gets too bad and if he follows me so be it. But i'm not going to have a "less than" life if I find I can't handle it.
Some people will say, "don't let them have power over you." Well, when a person's family is threatened and you are traumatized by betrayal, you have no control over some of these feelings. You don't have to act on them except honor what happened and how betrayed you feel. I say to myself, "Rachelc, anyone would feel awful about this. But, you are doing great and you can leave anytime you want to."
Also, it's probably pretty important to dig down and figure out why this bothers us so much. It bothers me because it makes what happened real. They are REAL people and it REALLY happened. so, you can see I still struggle with acceptance. The thing is, I can be going about my day, NOT triggering and having a great day and seeing them is like a slap in the face. i don't know how it COULDN'T be for the BS. And I feel that is the unfair part.
I don't really want to move. I have a good job, hubby has a great job, our friends are here. But I will, if I feel strongly about it. I am also a wayward spouse. I would move in a heartbeat for my husband. My job is not my identity. It is for him. But that is his issue to work through and i'll not be tied to his insecurities.
My IC spent some time with me talking about my self worth and if I somehow worked up my self esteem that this wouldn't be a problem. but it still is. It's BECAUSE I have worth that I don't want to be subjected to seeing either OW.I'm living with and forgiving two affairs. I should never have to see them again. I should be able to roam around our town without worrying. I'm worth it.
Some members on here have dealt with this more gracefully than I have. I suppose some just get numb after a while. I told hubby last night I'm not willing to die a death of 1000 cuts. And I consider each sighting a diss. But I also considering myself as having a choice. I will enact that choice if I can't handle it anymore.
There are times that don't throw me nearly as badly as when I first saw them.
I understand your predicament with your kids. It may be something you have to bear for a while. Someone will come to this thread and say, "it coulda been anyone, the person doesnt' matter." But I get it. I get it. They are real people who engaged in affairs with our husbands.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this!!
I'm not really dealing with this myself very well so can't really offer much in the way of help.
I have had the same things said to me, it was only kissing, hands in each others underwear. I do wonder how they would feel if it was done to them.
Its such a dreadful position to be in, through no fault of our own.
And the consequences are huge when we where all so close. Basically my social life as I knew it has ended very abruptly.
RachelC, I totally related to you saying you didn't want to die a death of 1000 cuts. That is EXACTLY how I feel! How in the world am I supposed to move ON when I'm afraid to bump into her in town, or when seeing her at school functions makes me shake (when I'm supposed to be there and be PROUD of my own children).
I love my house, my land, etc... but I am getting to the point where I am just TIRED of HAVING to see her.
And, yes, Sisoon, I do feel sickened that he believes it was "just oral" when the thought of him on her makes me gag still. :(
Mozzchops, I would love to chat a bit more with you since you are in the same boat as I am. How are the kids doing? My son (17 at the time) was actually dating her daughter when all this was going on! HOW SICK IS THAT? :( They broke SO MANY Hearts! and didn't give a damn when they were doing it.
he believes it was "just oral
I have to wonder if this isn't also part of your problem. If your wayward husband is minimizing that kind of thing, it shows he is not remorseful and has not fully owned his actions. That will slow your own recovery as well, and make things harder than need be.
Welcome to SI, though I am sorry you have to join us.
To be honest its just shit isn't it?
So much has been shattered because 2 extremely (and I do mean extreemly selfish) people chose this for us. We even had a holiday booked 6 weeks later. Imagine if I never found them, what would that have been like?
Its extreme because the fallout is horendous.
Are the kids still seeing each other or has it spoilt that too?
Like you mine only got to the point of hands inside each other underwear, and I'm still very very angry. If I hadn't caught them in the act it would have been full sex either then or another time.
But right now the day to day thing is hard. I've seen him a few times at school and I get anxious, I feel like going up to him and kicking the shit out of him!
I did have a meeting with him a few weeks after D-day, well I followed him and told him to get in my car to find out if the stories matched. Even gave my wife the option before I left is there anything more. No was her answer. This is when I found out it was more.
I found out that night by logging onto his Facebook on his phone. He thought I was looking at photos. I'm not dumb. All hell broke loose but it still took him days to tell me the truth.
I never really had the time to be pissed at him. I went from shock to more shock to trying to reconcile. I was too afraid of losing him if I was too pissed at him.
So now it's coming out... the "honeymoon" phase of reconciling is wearing off. And the pain, which I never dealt with, is saying HELLO. I am still here.
Problem is, I fear I may spook him if I show it as he'll fear I'll never forgive him so why is he bothering. He really has done everything right... this really has nothing to do with his behavior since DDay. But everything to do with what I suppressed in order to save our marriage.
And now I want to move - far away - so I don't have to "Die a painful death by 1000 cuts" as RachelC put it perfectly.
But I can't because I don't want to hurt my kids.
I think I screwed up.
The best course, is that you likely need to sit him down and explain all this. That you stuffed so much that it is now coming to the top. That the anger needs to come out as a natural part of healing. And if he runs? What good is he to you, really?
A wayward MUST face the pain of their betrayed spouse. They must help heal that pain. They have to suck up a LOT of not nice stuff to help you heal and be the partner your deserve. What kind of IC has he done? What has he done to search inside himself to see why taking such horrific actions are ok with him? He has to dig.
You are new here and I don't want to spook you, so I'll stop here. Stick around, keep reading.
Problem is, I fear I may spook him if I show it as he'll fear I'll never forgive him so why is he bothering.
oh boy... you really need to get out of this mindset. Because your anger WILL raise it's head and you have an absolute right to it!
Are you guys in MC? Because he really needs to know how pissed you are. Has he done any reading? How to Help your Spouse Heal from Your Affair, is usually what's recommended here...
You are NOT responsible for his feelings. This is a classic Co-dependent move. I understand, I really do, but he needs to know how angry you are and if he cant' handle it well, then you'll know the kind of man you have on your hands....
Nobody around me understands and feels like I should be over it
You can't just get over this. It is too huge, too big. And you have to relive it every time you see her ((((hugs))))
I hope you are in IC. You need some YOU time and guidance in navigating these waters. It is okay to seek help.
I understand all that you want. To move, to start over, to be able to breathe.
Talk to your doctor about your anxiety too. You may need some help there (which is perfectly normal).
I too tried to fast track my healing. I thought I was so strong and brave at first and 3+ years out I still struggle at times that this was what had become my life.
Does the OW's BS know? That might help you too.
What did she have to say for herself to you?
We DO understand and we do care. Take one day at a time.
My IC feels very strongly that because she is so in our face, what I am trying to do (heal and move forward) is herculean with her living in the same town, and every few weeks she asks if we have any move meant towards thinking of moving. Our children are extremely involved in many things here, we have our boating here, my parents live here his brother and one year old niece live here, my sister is pregnant, and she lives here.
So,… My therapist and I are working on breathing techniques for the purpose of slowing yourself down and relaxing. Taking control of the physical reaction to the anxiety. It really is beginning to help. We also talk often about how much worse it must be for her to see us because we are together and she does not have what she wants: him. I do, and we are working on becoming stronger and better than ever. That is the reality; she does not have him; you do. And I definately believe that these people who are minimizing what happened are destructive rather than helpful, but when I spiral in my thinking, I go back to looking at the facts. Again, I have him. We have been together for 21 years, married almost 19. She had him for 7 weeks, sex 2 almost 3 times. This is not to minimize, but to try to put it into perspective for myself when I begin to become anxious and overwhelmed.
I don't think that I would feel safe doing that if I was not sure that my Husband has done the work to understand why he did what he did and if I didm't see tremendous change in him.
I was a wreck last week, better this week, and did really ok at the festival last weekend, but I have had lots of practice unfortunately, and fortunately, my husband held my hand and stuck by me the whole way.
It is not ideal by any stretch of the imagination, but if you cannot move, you can do this. I promise. Talk to him about how hard it is and tell him how hard you are working to conquer it. Ask him for his help and support. Maybe you can food shop together, hold hands tightly at the school functions, etc. Again, it sucks, but you will be able to get through it together.
If you're not honest with him, how can you expect him to be honest with you? If he doesn't want you to be honest, what good is he to you as an H?
You're stronger than you think. Have faith in yourself. There's no need for you to fear your feelings.
Their house is up for sale but not selling, all the family are settled here - why should we move!
I have to remind myself the kids are happier here and unfortunately I just have to deal with it.
Anything at the time was ok, but now looking back was unacceptable?
Mozz - yes, I had an inkling to what was happening for a few months but couldn't find proof. Sitting next to each other on the couch during football parties. He always seemed to be texting her. I walking in on him once in a store, texting her. I found him once at an event separated from everyone talking to her on the phone. That kind of crap that sets your radar off but I was always assured, she's just a friend. Ugh...
The thing is that even though I love him with all of my heart, I just don't know if I can live with this the rest of my life. But I will have to live with this the rest of my life, even if he isn't in it. But it hurts so much to be here and to always wonder if he's with me because she decided pretty quickly to stay with her husband. So I guess I'm just the safest place to stay.
I know there is so much I should be telling him. I just don't want to be known as the person who "couldn't get over it" and keep rehashing things to make him feel bad. Because, honestly, what can he do now about it that he isn't already doing? It's all in my head now...
what can he do now about it that he isn't already doing?
he can listen to your pain so you can get it out of your head. He owes you this.