SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Since dday (almost 2 years ago). I've been oversharing with people. Sometimes even with people I hardly know. I wasn't like this before. Ok I'd do it occasionally, previously, but not anything like this...and whenever a new hardship hits, I do it again. Anyone else found this? Any coping mechanisms that help?

It's not like I plan to do it, it just comes out. I want better boundaries, but I have no idea how? It seems like dday broke something inside me. Once I realise I'm oversharing, I can stop, but in the moment, usually when feeling hurt/scared, it just seems to happen. I don't like it. I want to change. I need help, but have no way to go to a counsellor.

[This message edited by Softcentre at 3:24 PM, June 9th, 2014 (Monday)]

Hey softcentre, no advice here but I wanted to let u know I am acting the same way :/

It's been 5 months for me and I told pretty much EVERYONE in my family, close friends, mutual friends, new friends, etc. at first I thought it was normal because of the pain but now I just want to stop. I'm trying to socialize more and make new friends but I don't want to share this because people might feel uncomfortable

Anyways just wanted to let u know u are not alone and I'm waiting for advice, too.

I tended to overshare with strangers, like the taxi driver who took me from LAX to meet my new boss, but then I overshared with her and the rest of the staff

We were asked to introduce ourselves and tell a little about ourselves. I went first and expressed that I has recently moved due to separation from my H because I didn't like his girlfriend She meant we should relay some professional information about ourselves It didn't hurt me in anyway, though.

Softcentre, I can't seem to shut myself up either! I was pretty closed off for about the first 6 months of the separation but now, the flood gates have opened, watch out! I shake my head at myself sometimes when I walk away from someone I just blabbed too, wondering if they are thinking, too much info lady!

Anyways, they say awareness is the first step towards change so now that you notice yourself doing it, it will probably slowly stop being an issue.

Maybe try to figure out *why* you are feeling hurt/scared and how that is leading you to overshare information? If it is with random people like grocery store clerks, taxi drivers, etc, is it just some form of social anxiety because you are alone? Or if it is with people at work or acquaintances are you worried about acceptance? I'm just thinking out loud here, but when I get the urge it is usually because I feel like I need some extra understanding or like I might not have lived up to expectations because of this and I should explain myself. I have tried to focus on what led to me feeling that way and work on that (overcoming stranger anxiety, which I didn't have before this, and staying positive when I'm talking with people who don't know) and fake it 'til I make it. Not sure if that helps you, but it's what I've been trying.

I am pretty private in regards to my personal problems for the most part, but I also have found myself over sharing more times than I want, and I hate it. Most of the time I want to just kick myself after the conversation.

I don't do it near as much as I did in the beginning, so time has helped. In the beginning of it all I think I was just mostly in shock....hurt and confused and just trying to figure out what the hell had happened.

As time has passed I noticed that I'm more prone to over share when I'm emotional because the idiot has increased his level of stupid and has either hurt me or our kids in the process, or he has pissed me off again. So now when that happens and I have to be around other people I repeat to myself that I WILL keep my mouth shut, and my problems to myself, over and over again. Most of the time that helps.

I do this a lot. It feels like I need to be "seen" somehow after all this upheaval. I share with virtual strangers sometimes, even. It's as if I need for others to understand the reason I may seem rather *off* or not plugged in to regular life. Because I am not. I got my life blown up by Rockstar Jackass. My whole identity and everything that once defined me has been demolished. Something deep down in me wants others to understand why I may appear to be a battered shell.

The upside of this has been a lot of connections made with some fantastic people, many of whom have ridden this coaster and have some pearls of wisdom.

Maybe you are trying to show yourself this way, to connect. Or to "apologize."

I used to do this all the time. My life had become about what he had done to me and our children and what he wasn't doing now. For me I realised every time I opened my mouth I was whinging or being extremely negative and it's hard to keep beating yourself over the head for our part in their infidelity.

You have to forgive yourself, you did the best you could with what information you had at the time. I decided from that day forward I am not talking about it today, took one day at a time.

It was hard in the beginning but got easier. I now only talk about it here or if someone is asking directly or for advice and it would help to talk about I have been through.

What happened to me and our children was horrible but I am not going to let it define who I am.

Oh yeah...oversharing quite a bit as well.

But for me it's been a good swing. I used to not share anything. Ever. Felt I had to be strong and deal with my own problems so I could be there to help others. Nobody ever knew who I really was. After D-day, since I was fairly isolated, I 'over-shared' with my therapist...it felt weird to talk openly about my pain and suffering. As I've built up a new social circle, at first I felt like I was over-sharing and consuming the conversation. As time has gone on I'm more in tune to others (like I used to be) but I still share what is going on with me. People know me now and want to be there for me...so the over-sharing has been a positive change for me.

i have shared with total strangers, and close friends more than i have with aquaintances and casual friends. Part of the reasoning is that i am in a small community and don't want everyone knowing my business or it getting back to my kids.

I have always held emotions and that kind of thing close to the vest, so for me, sharing openly is probably a good thing. Sure, there have been times, when i think that i should not have said what i said. But, i am no longer embarrassed about my marriage falling apart, and that i was betrayed. usually, i feel better after sharing.

I did the same thing at first.

As I healed, and the more I don't care about his stupid A, I share less. I have a select circle of friends, and made more through SI that I share with now. They get it, and when they vent I get it too!

Maybe you should do a G2G where you are. There are also support groups for D and A everywhere. If you locate one and join, it might help with the oversharing with folks that don't want to know. It's more validating anyway when someone else gets it. It's also healing to help others going through this mess.

(((Softcentre)))

Oh yeah...oversharing quite a bit as well.

But for me it's been a good swing. I used to not share anything. Ever. Felt I had to be strong and deal with my own problems so I could be there to help others. Nobody ever knew who I really was.

I used to be like Tesla. Nobody knew a thing about me. I started weekly visits with my shrink after my suicide attempt, and the floodgates have swung wide. It's actually quite a relief to not be hiding everything.

If you think this is a problem because you're going past your old comfort zone, maybe it's a good thing. If you think you're making other people uncomfortable, and losing friends or affecting your job, then I guess it's something you may want to investigate further.