SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

brunette posted 6/9/2014 19:23 PM

It's been a while since I have been to the site. My DDay was March 5,2011. But that was only the beginning. He was still seeing her for 18 horrible months after that. Since getting back together it is now just under 2 years things seem to be better and not better at the same time. We are going to MC and IC. It seems that we are growing apart. He is very selfish and we never have any time together because he is working that was his excuse when he was in his affair. Our sex life is very few and far between and that seems ok with him. I don't trust him. He has an anger problem and throws tantrums if things don't go his way. I feel left alone again and it seems he doesn't get it or seem to care. I have so many doubts all over again like what is he doing is he lying again and if he has found another woman. And of course my mind is working overtime and wonder if there were others before the affair. I just don't feel cared for and very alone. Don't know what to do. And how would I know what he's doing he is a very good liar and is very protective of his phone.

StrongAlone posted 6/9/2014 19:37 PM

Hi Brunette, sorry to hear things are not getting better between your husband and you. First thing that strikes me is he shouldn't be protective of his phone if he has a history of lying and cheating. No wonder you feel like things are not right between you. You have to have trust in a marriage or you have nothing. I've been where you are, lack of intimacy, too many thoughts of what he did or is doing, it's an awful place to be. I gave my husband all the trust I had, after finding out 2 times of his cheating, and he still did it again. I'm not saying this will be the case for you but what I will say is trust your gut if things feel off. I constantly fought those feelings, constantly told myself I was the crazy one, and well, it got me nowhere with my STBX. I think it might be time to have a real heart to heart with him. Explain what you need, perhaps more counselling? More intimacy? You can't force someone to change, that's all I know for sure. I'm sorry your in this position, it's a very hard decision.

justinpaintoday posted 6/9/2014 20:16 PM

Brunette: Are you in IC? I would recommend you go. You need someone to help you sort through your feelings because your post suggests you are miserable and possibly being emotionally abused. Your H being protective of his phone is a huge RED FLAG. Is he remorseful? Do you have transparency? DO YOU have healthy boundries in place?

It sounds like you;ve been neglected for a while. Please reach out and get help. I see you have only posted 27 times since 2011. You might consider posting more often to help sort your thinking...be careful I don;t think you will here what you want, but you will hear what you need.

courageous posted 6/9/2014 20:24 PM

Do you know that he has ended the A? My exwh fooled me into thinking that it was over and it just went underground. It only came to light when I stood up for myself and demanded to be treated better. Unfortunately my marriage didn't last but I feel less alone than I did when I was married.

What actions has he done to prove or show he his remorseful?

I'm sorry you are being treated this way. Stay strong!

KatyDo posted 6/9/2014 20:47 PM

Brunette - this sounds like my WH before he decided to change his inappropriate ways. He was a smooth talker and had ways of lying. For years I believed him until I found the evidence and he couldn't lie anymore. He also has anger problems, and so I can relate. Even if your H is lying, the only control you have is over yourself. If it is not feeling good, then trust your instincts and take some action to protect yourself, even if it is just plans at this point. Also take very good care of yourself as his treatment of you can be very exhausting. Make sure to get support through counseling. It sounds like he is not changing, and only they can make the choice to change. Give yourself options so you don't feel trapped, and take some time to think about what you would do either way.

nomistakeaboutit posted 6/9/2014 21:21 PM

...maybe hide a VAR in his car. You need more information and that's a way to get it...unfiltered.

ddame23 posted 6/10/2014 12:49 PM

Brunette,

I think the question is can you be happy with the relationship you have?

It doesn't seem like the relationship you have is acceptable to you.
Can you imagine a life without this man, what that might be like? My counselor often tells me that I have no idea how good it could feel to not be in the relationship I'm in. Perhaps that is something for you to think about as well.

Phoenix1 posted 6/10/2014 13:03 PM

I don't trust him.

That is a problem right there. You cannot have a healthy marriage without trust. When I realized I could not longer trust my XPOS I went into stealth mode. My gut, like yours, was telling me something was not right. It's hell being the affair police, but that is the only way to determine if your gut feelings are right (at least it was for me). You will continue to be miserable if things continue as they are. In my case, my detective work uncovered much more than I even suspected. Disappointing, heartbreaking, but also validating at the same time.

Everyone has their own breaking point, and only you can determine that. But remember that knowledge is empowering. Start thinking about the "what ifs." What if he is having another affair? What if we do separate/divorce? What are my options legally? What if I am being suspicious for nothing and he isn't having an affair? Can I live in this relationship without something changing?

For the record, his actions scream RED FLAGS! Actions ALWAYS speak louder than words...

Keep coming back here and you will get tremendous support!

SeeingRed posted 6/10/2014 18:12 PM

"He is very selfish"
"Our sex life is very few and far between"
"I don't trust him"
"He has an anger problem and throws tantrums"
"he doesn't get it or seem to care"
"is he lying again"
"he is a very good liar"

*Cough* NPD (or other personality disorder) *Cough*

Google it.

If he's cooperating with you enough for MC insist he go to a psychiatrist for testing. Do NOT tell him specifically why, just express vague concern about him.

(Edited to add) Talk to the psychiatrist beforehand on the phone and explain you suspect NPD or another personality disorder. Psychiatrists, most (and do ask) understand how to deal with testing/interviewing a possible NPD to get them through the process. They are VERY resistant to this type of testing/treatment because they're perfect, obviously, and the problem is everyone else.

[This message edited by SeeingRed at 6:19 PM, June 10th (Tuesday)]

phmh posted 6/10/2014 19:36 PM

After I found out about WXH's A, I was talking about it with a very good friend.

This was after we'd been separated for a few months, I was starting to gain some clarity on what the relationship was really like (I had been emotionally abused for years), and WXH was begging me to take him back.

My friend said to me something along the lines of: at this point, it's not even about the cheating anymore.

Really, it didn't matter to me, and it shouldn't matter to you, if he's currently having an affair. Whether or not he is, he's shown you that he's the kind of guy who can, and he's also shown you that he's blown the chance at R you've given him by continuing to be an asshole.

Is this how you want to live the rest of your life? Is this the life you'd envision for your best friends or kids? What would you tell them?

Only you can make this decision. Obviously, I'm biased, having done a lot of research on whether true personality change is possible (answer: no), and after seeing so many people find themselves in terrible marriages attempting R, frequently with another D-Day 5 or 10 years down the road.

You are the parent of your future self. Where do you want to be in 5 years?