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Newest Member: Blsoul (61132)

User Topic: Such a strange date...not sure if it's good or bad
♀ 43530
Member # 43530
Default  Posted: 12:49 AM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been a little down/disappointed in the effort my WH has been making. Although we are both in IC and MC and he will answer any questions I ask (less defensively as every day goes by) I still feel like he is not putting in the effort, for communication, for affection, for being proactive to figure out what was wrong with him. These were things I didn't need before because he showed me how much he loved me through his actions....but now I just don't know if what he can or is willing to do will ever be enough.

So the crazy thing is, I came into a significant (by my standards) chunk of $$ today. I have known this date would be coming for some time and based on our state property laws, if I didn't want to split it with him 50/50 then we would have had to separate 6 months ago. So six months ago I had to 'bet' on us making it. So now that date is here and we are 'making it' and I'm trying to figure out if I really screwed up. Because now I feel like there has been so much damage. I've suffered through everything since Dday and all of the additional TT and other character flaw discoveries and have to split the money too if we don't make it. Which would be an extra kick in the xss.

I just keep holding on that overall we are doing better each month and in the end, the pain, suffering, staying strong, (and now $$ too) will all be worth it.

When people show you who they really are, believe them - Maya Angelou

BW: 43 (me) WH: 42 (him)
DD-13, DS-11
DDay 1 = 1/13, DDay2 = 7/14 (False R), D 4/15

Posts: 988 | Registered: May 2014 | From: SoCal
♀ 40567
Member # 40567
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand your concerns regarding money. I often thought that it's Wes gas new, I would've left our home so that I didn't need to face his tt and defensive toxicity for so long (9 months).

Money can make you feel stronger. it's nit everything, if course, but it's one less thing to worry about.

Have you discussed a post-nuptial with your H? My H has agreed to one as soon as I decide if I'm "all in". he says he'd agree to a clause that indicates if he cheats again (he's been prolific), he leaves the house with only his clothes and his musical instruments.

Would your H consider something like that?

BW - 2 x's ( once before married, got therapy, thought we'd both moved forward)
WH - SA? Probably not. Just a Selfish ASS
DD1 - 4/2001 - 1 OW, left, returned, therapy, thought he'd "gotten it". I was wrong.
DD2 - 8/2013 -

Posts: 468 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: PollyA
♀ 43530
Member # 43530
Default  Posted: 5:11 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much for responding. Its a bit of a strange situation on my end. I make 75%+ of our family income so leaving was always a financial option. When I initially found out, and didn't know if either one of us were staying or going...I did come to the realization that if we split he would get half of everything, possibly get more custody (based on my travel schedule and his ability to WFH) and I would also end up paying spousal support (seriously, yes). Pretty freaky when you think about things like that with someone you planned to grow old with.

I think every person who has been betrayed must ensure they are financially protected in some way. I don't know your personal situation, but I have many friends who have been SAHM raising kids and supporting their husband who got burned. Even though my state splits earnings/pension 50/50, betrayed SAHMs lost years of job experience/tenure and entered the job market at a terrible time while their WHs are at the top of their careers and already set up for high future earnings not applicable to the D. For whatever the reason, it sounds like a post-nup may work for you and give you peace of mind you deserve.

For myself, I don't think I could do it...I wouldn't feel like I was 'all in' but was already planning my exit strategy. If I get burned, the $$ will just be another prickly thorn thorn on the dead rose bush. I'm scared but rolling the dice every day.

all my best to you...

When people show you who they really are, believe them - Maya Angelou

BW: 43 (me) WH: 42 (him)
DD-13, DS-11
DDay 1 = 1/13, DDay2 = 7/14 (False R), D 4/15

Posts: 988 | Registered: May 2014 | From: SoCal
Topic Posts: 3

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