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5 weeks and still raging, did you feel this way!

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neecee posted 6/10/2014 06:10 AM

Its been 5 weeks since I found out about my WH having a PA for the last 10 months. We've been together for 28 yrs and we will be married 19 years this Monday. He is very remorseful, guilty and desperate to R. He says he never loved her, never wanted to leave me and has had NC. We have been each others "one and onlies" since we were teenagers. So I am obviously devastated. I go from crying to wanting to rip his head off. Here's my question, Shouldn't I be feeling in some way that I miss him? He comes to the house a few times a week and is still helping out with the projects that need to be done around here so its not like I don't see him or have any contact with him. But I have NO DESIRE to hug him, kiss him, tell him I miss him or love him, and I certainly cant even think of having sex with him. I AM RAGING!!! That being said, he is becoming confused by my erratic behavior. I tell him to basically "stay the course" one minute (see my post "a letter to my WH" in the general forum)and then in the next minute I tell him that this will never work for me we should D right away so I can start the healing process and not drag this out for years. I don't know what the hell I want!!! I feel as if I should be "angry" all the time, not be nice or tell him that I still love him or anything. I know he is not dealing with this well (not that I care right now) I kicked him out the night I found out so he has nothing right now. No home, no wife, no family, no friends. I know that me constantly telling him how he has hurt me is painful for him and he is suffering too, I just cant ever imagine ever being able to deal with this and R when all I see before me is "used goods" how could I want a man that fucked me over and who wanted another woman? For 28 years it was always "me and him" now forever it will be "me, him and HER" Please tell me how you dealt with this and at what point to did you realize that you wanted to R or D?

OakStreet posted 6/10/2014 06:32 AM


Yes, you should be feeling this way - it has only been 5 weeks.

Are you and WH in counseling? That helped my WH and I communicate (not very well, since he took A underground, but it was somewhat of an improvement).

I am 6 weeks since Dday 2, and can't muster any feelings of love for WH. We are both in IC, waiting for MC to resume.

I don't know what the hell I want!!!

It's a shitty place to be. I don't have any real advice - just wanted you to know that others have felt the same way about their WS.

Didact posted 6/10/2014 07:08 AM

Yes. I think it is normal.

In fact, I think it gets a bit worse before it gets better.

My circumstances are similar, married very young, marriage lasted 29 years, then 11 month EA/PA. WW seems to want M.

/hug, and wishing you the best.

norabird posted 6/10/2014 09:38 AM

5 weeks, you will be bouncing all over the place! Don't worry about what you think you 'should' be feeling. Just let yourself ride the different waves that come and be kind to yourself and do not judge any of your reactions. It is ALL normal and you are processing what happened in your own time. It will get better but you have to get through a lot of the rollercoaster before things level out.


sparkysable posted 6/10/2014 09:39 AM

5 weeks! Shit! I was a raging lunatic for a good straight year!

Uhtred posted 6/10/2014 14:26 PM

A year for me and I'm still raging. Not in the same way I was at 5 weeks out but I'm still very angry and incredibly hurt. It's only natural to rage after you've had your heart ripped out. Hang in there.

steadfast1973 posted 6/10/2014 14:28 PM

7 mos out, with an incredibly remorseful fWH, and I still rage. At 5 weeks out, I was ALL rage.

strongerdaybyday posted 6/10/2014 14:35 PM

At 5 weeks I was a ball of rage. At 11 mos I still have rage but mostly I'm okay.

Gotmegood posted 6/10/2014 15:48 PM

As if you need to hear from another, but here goes. It is totally normal and expected to be raging 5 weeks after finding out you've been betrayed, fooled, and lied to by your spouse.
More importantly, do not think you need to decide what you want to happen with the rest of your life. Your feelings will change, WH will change, you will eventually digest what has happened to you. It is fine that he is being meek and remorseful now, that is helpful no matter what road you take. Maybe some counseling will help you diffuse your rage a bit. And, how about some IC for WH? He screwed someone else and deceived and lied to you for 10 months....and it meant nothing? He's got some soul-searching to do. Good luck. And remember-you're very, very normal.

devasted30 posted 6/10/2014 16:13 PM

I agree with everyone else. I'm 17 months out and the rage has slowed down to a constant simmer. You need to go through all the emotions. You can't avoided them or rug sweep them. Don't worry about your WS. He brought this on and if he really wants this M, he will do anything and I do mean anything to help you survive. Give yourself at least 6-12 months before you decide either way. This hurt, despair, anguish, anger, rage etc will continue for months. We all felt this way. I think you are expecting way too much of yourself way too early. Hang in there.

ncharge posted 6/10/2014 16:50 PM

You know, this worries me because I had rage only a couple of days - 2-3 months after I found out. And a couple of days since. I think that is not healthy for me. I think that says something about me that I should think about. I SHOULD have felt more rage instead of just pain. In fact, I have felt more rage this last week than in all the weeks before (DDay 12/5, TT that was like additional DDs: 12/16, 12/28, 1/28, 6/6). And yes, the rage now is all from 6/6 TT. Rage is healthy when you have been betrayed and wounded and treated badly. Lack of rage would not be healthy.

Sal1995 posted 6/10/2014 17:02 PM

Hang in there, neecee. Yes, I felt that way at 5 weeks, 5 months, and 9 months. Then it started to smooth out a little, but even at 12 months, 14 months, and last month I had episodes. I'm only 16 months out but can tell you that time does heal.

Healing from something this devastating takes years, not weeks or months. As long as you're not a danger to yourself or others, RAGE if you need to. You SHOULD be pissed. Let's face it, you were screwed over terribly by the one you love and trusted the most. If that doesn't seriously piss you off, nothing will.

Please tell me how you dealt with this and at what point to did you realize that you wanted to R or D?

I dealt with it, and continue to deal with it, one day at a time. Sometimes, one hour or minute at a time. By reading and posting on this site, exercising, reading, teaching my boys how to play baseball, teaching my daughters how to drive, recommitting to my faith, joining a Men's Bible Study group, planning vacations, working, etc. Whatever works.

I also dealt with it by throwing myself back into the marriage. By insisting and enforcing real change in her. By dating her, making love to her, going to church with her, going to MC sessions. Not because SHE deserved anything (other than a divorce). But because if we were going to reconcile, we were going to do things right and build a great marriage. I have no interest in mediocrity any more. I chose to build a better marriage because I DESERVE THAT.

I vacillated between R and D for about 8-9 months, although it was always heavily leaning towards R. This is our family, and I wasn't going to break it up lightly. But around 9-10 months I knew that, absent some major future screw-up, we were going to R.

Feel what you feel, deal with it, and move on with R or D when either feels right to you. We're pulling for you. I'm really sorry this happened.

FeelingSoMuch posted 6/10/2014 17:21 PM

I agree with the other people here. Five weeks is really early. As hard as this is to read, you're going to feel pain and rage and more for a lot longer.

It does get better and the best advice I've been given here is to not make snap decisions. There's no way to know how to act so early on.

Feel the pain, go for MC and IC.

You'll eventually be in a better place to make decisions. Right now, just get through each day.

And in answer to your question, yes, I felt that way after five weeks.

Stay strong.

somer222 posted 6/10/2014 17:46 PM

I am so sorry you are going through this. I think the way you are feeling is completely normal.

You say that your ex is confused by your erratic behavior. Erratic behavior is to be expected when you rip someone's world apart by betraying them and lying to them. Five weeks out is not very long at all. You are still processing the magnitude of what has happened.

Be as easy on yourself as you can be. If his visits to the house to complete projects are too much or too frequent for you to handle right now, tell him you need more space. The fact that he is truly remorseful is good. That said, he will have a lot of work ahead of him in terms of helping you heal should you decide to R.

I know it is absolute hell living in limbo like this, but you take as much time as you need before making up your mind how you wish to handle this situation. Are you in IC and/or MC? Have you been to your doctor for STD testing? I urge you to consider trying IC at least and definitely see your doctor, if you haven't done this already. You need to have that peace of mind.

So sorry you have found yourself in this situation. It truly sucks. But you are in a very good place "here" and keep posting. It does help.

Big hugs.

neecee posted 6/10/2014 19:22 PM

Thank you all for your input, I'm so grateful for this site, it has been truly a God send for me at the worst time in my life. I realize that this is going to take a looooog time and I am going to take the advice of so many other BS on this site and wait at least 6 months before I even consider THINKING about my future. I just get so overwhelmed sometimes when I think of all the work and pain that's ahead should I decide to R with my WS. Right now the only thing that gives me any comfort for some reason is knowing that my BS is waiting in the wings for me no matter what I decide. I guess I feel a little bit more in control knowing he's waiting for me. I have started IC and he will be starting next week. I have told him "you think you want to R now, but I don't truly think you have any idea of what your in for with me!!!" seriously, I would not want to be in his shoes now or in the future! Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned!!!!!

bigskyblues posted 6/11/2014 05:57 AM

neeccee, I just wanted to send you some strength!

You will get through this, and it does get better it is just hard to see that right now. You don't need to get in any hurry to make a decision on R or D, focus on taking care of you.

Give IC (for both of you) some time, you will develop the skills/knowledge/experience that will allow you to make the right decision on D or R.


OK now posted 6/11/2014 07:11 AM

Heaven has no Rage, like Love to Hatred turned,
Nor Hell a Fury, like a Woman scorned.

I began to calm down after 6 months, which WH spent in the guest room. sans intimacy. Didn't want to kick him out because we had small children; my DD is especially clingy and attached to her dad.

Felt so humiliated and insulted. So much for loyalty, honesty and faithfulness. After a year or so comes guarded acceptance and the affair isn't eternally on your mind. Still not the same as before and never will be.

KarenDC posted 6/11/2014 07:24 AM

Absolutely I was, it came and went but raging is a very accurate description. Although, my saga was different as when it all came to light WH didn't know 100% what he wanted at first. He would tell me one thing but I would find out differently from other ways and this back/forth went on about 5 months and as almost everyone relates, those lies hurt our relationship and subsequent recovery a lot more than the actual A.

It's been almost 10 years now but it took me a good two years to stop raging, as although we would be "okay" internally, I would still have my it was simply unfathomable that he could betray me. Sounds a bit stupid, nave now but I truly was blindsided. It takes time to work through all of the many emotions this bestows on you. As part of me was beating myself up for not seeing it in the first place, seeing my life change in an instant and then learning later that is simply getting through the shock, scared, sad, anger, etc. I learned I was a hell of a lot stronger than I ever thought, not that I doubted it before, but it became quickly apparent.

I often wonder though, would it have turned out different at least initially, had WH been instantly remorseful instead of me thinking he wanted OW over me? What if OW had been single? What if she got pregnant? I've seen so many variations of the same story over the years on SI and sometimes the circumstances surrounding seem to call the shots more so than the actual facts/feelings of the situation. Most of the times it seems, the WS returns to their senses, but in some cases, by that time the BS has already moved on.

I believe the real key to recovery is to figure out the underlying reason for the A, and can it be fixed?? And are you both willing to take the time to come out on the other side? It's definitely not easy rather the opposite...but does get better with time..just keep doing what your doing and take it day by day.

Wishing you all the best!

TheBestMe posted 6/11/2014 07:45 AM

((neecee)) this is very normal.

Bat4583 posted 6/24/2014 13:05 PM

Hugs to you. I have been married almost 18 years and together for 28 like you. I just found out about the affair on Saturday and as a fabulous twist, the ow just had his baby last month.

I am sorry for both of us. Rage away!

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