Yes, you should be feeling this way - it has only been 5 weeks.
Are you and WH in counseling? That helped my WH and I communicate (not very well, since he took A underground, but it was somewhat of an improvement).
I am 6 weeks since Dday 2, and can't muster any feelings of love for WH. We are both in IC, waiting for MC to resume.
I don't know what the hell I want!!!
It's a shitty place to be. I don't have any real advice - just wanted you to know that others have felt the same way about their WS.
In fact, I think it gets a bit worse before it gets better.
My circumstances are similar, married very young, marriage lasted 29 years, then 11 month EA/PA. WW seems to want M.
/hug, and wishing you the best.
BH (Me) 49
D-Day Mar 19, 2014
1 year passionate EA/PA, ended by me on d-day.
Attempting to R
working towards D...I can't pretend anymore
**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**
Healing from something this devastating takes years, not weeks or months. As long as you're not a danger to yourself or others, RAGE if you need to. You SHOULD be pissed. Let's face it, you were screwed over terribly by the one you love and trusted the most. If that doesn't seriously piss you off, nothing will.
Please tell me how you dealt with this and at what point to did you realize that you wanted to R or D?
I dealt with it, and continue to deal with it, one day at a time. Sometimes, one hour or minute at a time. By reading and posting on this site, exercising, reading, teaching my boys how to play baseball, teaching my daughters how to drive, recommitting to my faith, joining a Men's Bible Study group, planning vacations, working, etc. Whatever works.
I also dealt with it by throwing myself back into the marriage. By insisting and enforcing real change in her. By dating her, making love to her, going to church with her, going to MC sessions. Not because SHE deserved anything (other than a divorce). But because if we were going to reconcile, we were going to do things right and build a great marriage. I have no interest in mediocrity any more. I chose to build a better marriage because I DESERVE THAT.
I vacillated between R and D for about 8-9 months, although it was always heavily leaning towards R. This is our family, and I wasn't going to break it up lightly. But around 9-10 months I knew that, absent some major future screw-up, we were going to R.
Feel what you feel, deal with it, and move on with R or D when either feels right to you. We're pulling for you. I'm really sorry this happened.
It does get better and the best advice I've been given here is to not make snap decisions. There's no way to know how to act so early on.
Feel the pain, go for MC and IC.
You'll eventually be in a better place to make decisions. Right now, just get through each day.
And in answer to your question, yes, I felt that way after five weeks.
You say that your ex is confused by your erratic behavior. Erratic behavior is to be expected when you rip someone's world apart by betraying them and lying to them. Five weeks out is not very long at all. You are still processing the magnitude of what has happened.
Be as easy on yourself as you can be. If his visits to the house to complete projects are too much or too frequent for you to handle right now, tell him you need more space. The fact that he is truly remorseful is good. That said, he will have a lot of work ahead of him in terms of helping you heal should you decide to R.
I know it is absolute hell living in limbo like this, but you take as much time as you need before making up your mind how you wish to handle this situation. Are you in IC and/or MC? Have you been to your doctor for STD testing? I urge you to consider trying IC at least and definitely see your doctor, if you haven't done this already. You need to have that peace of mind.
So sorry you have found yourself in this situation. It truly sucks. But you are in a very good place "here" and keep posting. It does help.
You will get through this, and it does get better it is just hard to see that right now. You don't need to get in any hurry to make a decision on R or D, focus on taking care of you.
Give IC (for both of you) some time, you will develop the skills/knowledge/experience that will allow you to make the right decision on D or R.
4 kids all adults.
Married 22+ years.
I have moved on and life is good!
Heaven has no Rage, like Love to Hatred turned,
Nor Hell a Fury, like a Woman scorned.
Felt so humiliated and insulted. So much for loyalty, honesty and faithfulness. After a year or so comes guarded acceptance and the affair isn't eternally on your mind. Still not the same as before and never will be.
It's been almost 10 years now but it took me a good two years to stop raging, as although we would be "okay" internally, I would still have my moments...as it was simply unfathomable that he could betray me. Sounds a bit stupid, naïve now but I truly was blindsided. It takes time to work through all of the many emotions this bestows on you. As part of me was beating myself up for not seeing it in the first place, seeing my life change in an instant and then learning later that is simply getting through the shock, scared, sad, anger, etc. I learned I was a hell of a lot stronger than I ever thought, not that I doubted it before, but it became quickly apparent.
I often wonder though, would it have turned out different at least initially, had WH been instantly remorseful instead of me thinking he wanted OW over me? What if OW had been single? What if she got pregnant? I've seen so many variations of the same story over the years on SI and sometimes the circumstances surrounding seem to call the shots more so than the actual facts/feelings of the situation. Most of the times it seems, the WS returns to their senses, but in some cases, by that time the BS has already moved on.
I believe the real key to recovery is to figure out the underlying reason for the A, and can it be fixed?? And are you both willing to take the time to come out on the other side? It's definitely not easy rather the opposite...but does get better with time..just keep doing what your doing and take it day by day.
Wishing you all the best!
"What you feel only matters to you, what matters is what you do to those you claim to love"
Both feet pointed forward; positive
I am sorry for both of us. Rage away!