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BaseballMom31 posted 6/10/2014 07:23 AM

I am so destroyed and crushed, I don't even know where to begin...a month ago, my husband left to go visit his mom, in a town 15 minutes from our house. While he was gone, I received a call from someone telling me he was out cheating on me. I asked my husband what that was about. He didn't answer, and he didn't come home, for 16 days. During that time, I heard plenty of rumors and of course he denied them all. He came home a week ago Friday. We had a great weekend together with our son. He made lots of promises, all the time denying cheating on me. This Friday, I read a text message from her. We had an argument but he stayed home. However, on Saturday, he left to go to a funeral. He didn't come home. I packed his clothes and he came to pick them up on Sunday. He was being a complete jerk to me, I have never seen him that way. On Monday, he told me that he doesn't want to throw our marriage away. But again, I am hearing rumors. Even that she is driving the truck that is in my name!

I do believe he has gotten involved with drugs. He has a past history with addiction and is an alcoholic. He also has mental issues.

This is absolutely destroying me. I can't function. All I do is cry. When he was gone for the 16 days, I lost 12 pds because I can't eat. I don't eat, I don't sleep. I just cry. Please help me. I just want my husband back. The man I married.

k94ever posted 6/10/2014 07:30 AM

Dear Baseball,

Very gently.....the man you have to deal with now is not the man you married. That person is gone forever.

You need to see a lawyer to protect you and the kids. We know you love him, but with his past history of substance abuse and mental issues your primary job is to protect your kids.

Go into our Healing Library and start reading. Now is NOT the time to sit and do nothing. You have kids to protect. See a lawyer about what to expect from a divorce. Don't have sex with him until BOTH of you are tested and have proof of no STDs. Pull yourself together for the sake of the kids and make sure they are safe and dealing with all this in a healthy manner.

What you had in the past is over. This is your new reality. Be smart about it.



BaseballMom31 posted 6/10/2014 08:01 AM

Unfortunately, I already have had sex with him. He was home for a week and I thought things were going to be okay. I had MY husband back and I was overjoyed. I was willing to let the past 16 days go, just to have my husband home. I just don't understand what went wrong. Up until the night he left, there had been no issues! He couldn't tell me why he didn't come home, other than he didn't want to face me.

I have never felt such pain in my life. Every ounce of me hurts. It is the absolute hardest thing I have ever had to go through in my life. Everyone keeps saying it could be worse. And I understand that. But right now, I just want my husband back. I want this pain to go away. I don't know how to deal with it.

NeverAgain2013 posted 6/10/2014 08:35 AM

Wait - what?

Your husband went to visit his mother and just decided to stay away from home for 16 DAYS???

He comes back home - after his 16 day disappearance - and you have a 'great weekend' with him and your son???

I'm missing something here. Is this something your husband does alot - wanders off from home for weeks at a time with absolutely no sense of responsibility to his family - and you condone it? If so, then it's all good, I guess.

But it's pretty obvious the guy has mental and emotional issues as you allude to in your post. However, his inability to act like a normal adult does NOT give him the permission to hand off YOUR property to some woman stupid enough to waste her time on him. Do you know what kind of liability you're opening yourself up to if this stupid woman has a catastrophic accident while driving YOUR truck??? The financial ramifications of something like that are mind boggling!!!

You need to stop crying and start taking power away from this man or you're going to get steamrolled with all this dysfunction he brings to the table.

Go get your damned truck and hide the keys - that's NUMBER #1.

Number #2, get your husband to a mental professional and get him the help he needs. He's dual-addicted, he has no sense of loyalty to his family at all, and no sense of responsibility whatsoever.

Number #3, get to a lawyer and find out how to PROTECT yourself now. This man can't even look out for himself, much less you or his kids. It's up to YOU to protect yourself because it sounds like this guy is fast sliding down into the mud.

Dry your tears, BaseballMom. Cry later - protect yourself NOW!!

[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 8:39 AM, June 10th (Tuesday)]

Schadenfreude posted 6/10/2014 08:44 AM

I've posted this advice before, but here it s for you.

See a lawyer. Most offer free first consults

Before you go, make an outline of,what you need to know about divorce

Time,for,process contested and uncontested
Costs and fees
Property division
Assets and debts (approximate good enough for now)
Spousal support
Medical insurance you and son
Pension rights
Living arrangements ( what is necessary proof to get him booted out of house if it comes to that)
Anything else you can think of

Don't expect marriage counseling at this visit or even exact answers But you'll have much more information and that creates certainty and power.

BaseballMom31 posted 6/10/2014 08:49 AM

No it isn't something he does often, he had never done this before now. We have been together over 10years, married 3. We had a great weekend because I thought he was trying and I pushed everything to the back of my mind. Because I wanted it so bad. Come to find out, he was still talking to her. He didn't even go to work so that he could see her while I was at work. He was very close to losing his job during the 16 days he was gone. He has worked one week out of a month. I believe that is part of why he did come home. His boss does not condone this behavior. I am sure he has lost it now, because he still hasn't went back. During the 16 days, he wasn't taking his medication. I don't know what kind of drugs he is doing, other than smoking pot and drinking. But this is NOT his normal behavior. During the week he was home, I made sure he was taking it. And he wasn't doing anything that I was aware of. MY husband was back. Maybe it was naive of me to think it would be okay but I really thought he wanted to try...

My head tells me to face facts, get everything taken care of. BUT I can't make my heart understand that. I can't quit crying. I feel so stupid, so betrayed. I honestly don't know that I have the strength RIGHT NOW to not let him come home. Stupid, I know. Why wasn't I enough? Why did he choose someone who is into drugs and has already lost her children because of drugs? I have never wanted something so bad as I want my husband.

I asked him if he would consider counseling. And I asked if he would check himself into a stress unit. He won't. He knows he is hurting his family. He knows he is losing EVERYTHING. But it doesn't seem to matter. Last night, my 9 year old told me that its okay, his dad loves us but he just needs to get better. I am supposed to be comforting HIM, not the other way around.

I realize that I need to dry the tears. But how? How do I face the facts when I am so destroyed and crushed. I don't know where it went so wrong. Or how it got to this point. I feel like a failure, like I wasn't good enough.

Is there any hope for me? For my family and marriage?

undertherug posted 6/10/2014 09:04 AM

Baseballmom -- I am a former insurance adjuster. Your husband is allowing a woman to drive YOUR vehicle when it is possible she is using drugs or alcohol. The liability ramifications to you are enormous. Please steps to protect yourself!

norabird posted 6/10/2014 09:35 AM

You are in denial. I understand--you want things to stay the same. But you cannot let him disappear and deny the rumors and let him waltz him back in and try to 'nice' him into staying. He is cake-eating and you are enabling it. Stand up for the treatment you deserve. See a lawyer. If he leaves again, don't let him back in. He has to choose if he's in the marriage or out and right now he's out of it. So take him at his word and demand better for you and your kids by not accepting the crumbs he's throwing at you.

You have to find your bitch boots, and you can. While it's hard taking action will empower you and let you be in the driver's seat again instead of just waiting pathetically at his mercy.

tushnurse posted 6/10/2014 10:15 AM

Welcome Baseballmom -

You are overwhelmed and in extreme pain. We get that here. We have all been in those shoes. The story isn't the same, but emotional trauma is.

You have to stop and think about the reality of the situation, and deal with the immediate issues that need to be taken care of. If you don't you stand to not only lose your spouse but everything else you have.

You need to see an attorney immediately and find out your rights, and his responsibilities.
You need to put the kids needs first, and consider what they need right now.

Why wasn't I enough? Why did he choose someone who is into drugs and has already lost her children because of drugs? I have never wanted something so bad as I want my husband.

This has NOTHING to do with you. He is a grown ass man that has made some really crappy choices. Those choices have NOTHING to do with you. They are about his broken self.
Gently - What you want it what you believed your husband to be. Not who he is. You do NOT want this addicted abusive liar, because that is exactly who he is today, and moving forward until he proves otherwise, through consistent actions, not just pretty words.

I asked him if he would consider counseling. And I asked if he would check himself into a stress unit. He won't. He knows he is hurting his family. He knows he is losing EVERYTHING.

He is showing you who he is, and what his choice is now. Believe him.

Last night, my 9 year old told me that its okay, his dad loves us but he just needs to get better. I am supposed to be comforting HIM, not the other way around.

YOU are 100% correct. So stop your crying, dry your eyes, pull on your Bitch boots, and start demanding the respect you deserve, and honey know that addiction is nothing that you can fix in another person. HE has to do that for him. NO ONE else can do it for him.

Do not allow him in the home if possible.
Do NOT allow him access to your funds, if you have a shared accounts, you need to take half of everything and put it in a new separate account that he has zero access to. If he has access to credit cards, you need to get your name off of them immediately.
This is serious, nuclear breakdown stuff going on, and if you don't pull yourself together enough to protect yourself and your children, you are going to lose everything.
There is time for grieving later.

Keep reading, keep posting.

Gigiz posted 6/10/2014 10:51 AM

I am so sorry to hear this!

At this point, take care of yourself first and foremost (I know it is easier said than done) FORCE yourself to eat SOMETHING! Try to get some decent sleep, and I think it would be very beneficial to seek out some professional counseling (this has gotten me through a lot!)

You can stand by your husband and support him if that is what you choose to do, but in the end, it will be up to him to fix himself, you cannot fix him (i have also learned this from my own experience).

Try to stay strong. We support you.

BaseballMom31 posted 6/10/2014 11:45 AM

He seems to know just what to say to me and when to say. I didn't hear anything from him yesterday except he doesn't know why he is doing the things he is doing and that was around 10:30am. I forced myself to go to work today, he started texting me at 9. Which is when his whore (sorry, can I say that?)goes to work. Again, he is telling me he doesn't know why he is doing this and he loves me. However, he was at our house getting things. All while saying he doesn't want a divorce. He did say that he will look into a stress unit, still denies the drug use. He also claims that he really isn't "with" her, its not what I think.

I feel so stupid because I want to believe him. But in my head, I know he is telling me what I need to hear to keep me on the line. I need to cut ties with him. NO texting. But I can't. I get butterflies and say a little prayer every time I see his name on my phone. I just want to see those 5 little words, "I want to come home". I know it's ridiculous. I know it's stupid. But I also know that this is not my husband. This is not the man I married.

I have stood by him and supported him through so much. More than most women would have and this is the thanks I get? I don't deserve this. I have made mistakes, but nothing like what he is doing. I know all of this in my head, my heart is what is hurting though. My heart is what thinks it CAN be okay again.

BaseballMom31 posted 6/11/2014 07:27 AM

Just a small update...I talked to my husband yesterday, I basically forced him to talk to me. But he did. We only talked for about 20 minutes, of course he is still saying he isn't with HER. But he is not wearing his wedding ring. He says he does not know why he is doing this and he doesn't mean to hurt us. I wrote him a 12 page letter that I gave to him to read after I had left. I told gave him an ultimatum, he needed to come home last night or I was taking the next steps in filing for divorce. He texted me up until 5:37, his whore gets off work at 6. I haven't heard a word from him since. My marriage is over. He has chose HER, drugs and alcohol over his wife, family and child. I have to face that, I have to be realistic. I gave him every opportunity to come home, to fix this. He didn't.

I am heartbroken, my son is heartbroken. But he told me last night that we would be okay with or without his dad. And we will. I want this pain to go away, I want the tears to stop. I don't know how to make that happen.

InRetrospect posted 6/11/2014 07:35 AM

Hang in there, BaseballMom. Get a lawyer, and talk to us here, early and often. People here care about you.

doggiediva posted 6/11/2014 07:41 AM

Find somebody in real life to scream and vent to..bang and break dishes, if you need to release anger..
In the wake of this kind of betrayal, some couples (BS's) have the luxury of time to process everything and make a decision to R or D..In other cases, like yours, the WS is steadily going off of the rails..
You have to move out of the line of the fire first... Wonder what happened to your life after you get your feet under you..You will have time to grieve once you realize that you are going to survive..

tushnurse posted 6/11/2014 08:29 AM


You are doing the right and healthy thing.

This is some hard awful stuff. But dealing with addiction you know that the addict has to want to heal themselves first and foremost, otherwise it is just a soul sucking experience for all involved. I don't know how old your son is, but he needs to know that you will be his safe spot, and his soft place to land. He may be putting on a brave face, with what he has told you. Keep reinforcing to him that he is your priority.

Get to a lawyer, sooner than later.
Get to your Dr sooner than later - get STD tested, and talk about if you need AD's or any help to get through this. Talk about sleep and eating, and if you are struggling to do either.
Get your troops behind you. Family, friends, and loved ones.
Get to the bank and open your own separate account, and make sure he has ZERO access to it. If he isn't staying sober, it doesn't take long at all to run through a whole bunch of money.

Make your to do list, and start checking things off. It will help you to feel empowered, and stronger. You will have time to grieve once you have protected yourself and your son.

((((and strength))))

deena04 posted 6/11/2014 08:33 AM

Ok, asap here...if she may be driving a vehicle in your name, take the vehicle. It's your rear if she gets in a wreck with it or a ticket on one of those stinking cameras, etc... . Demand your vehicle and slap those bitch boots on tightly and do not give in to him if he protests. Plain and simple! Protect yourself and also follow the advice about a lawyer, separate acct., testing, and all the wonderful advice you've been given. I am not trying to be mean, but to heavily suggest you protect yourself TODAY!

BaseballMom31 posted 6/11/2014 09:59 AM

I spoke to a lawyer about the truck and my hands are kind of tied over it right now. Although, it is in my name, it is considered marital property. I can take a police officer to get it WHEN HE IS NOT THERE, however he can do the same thing. I am not sure how since his name is not anywhere on the paperwork or the loan, but that is what I have been told. If it is in my possession, he can't take it. But as soon as it is parked, he can. The insurance is also in my name. The lawyer I spoke to said really my only options are to make him get it in his name or sell it. I don't think we can sell it for what is owed on it. I did tell him that if I find out ANYONE is driving it besides him, I will report it stolen. He still says she wasn't but I have a witness (although not a very reliable one) that says she has on more than one occasion.

I sent him a text this morning telling him the cost to file for divorce and I need half of it. I expected to hear from him after 9 because that is when the whore is supposed to go into work. However, I haven't. I sent him a very long message at 1:30 this morning, telling him that he had made his choice and I am taking the next steps. He obviously made that choice weeks ago. I just don't understand why he even came back for the short length of time that he did. All it did was set us back. We were getting better, I wasn't crying 24hrs a day. I had actually just told a friend that I had only cried 4x that day. Which believe me, was a record.

I know time will heal and I will get better. But right now, I don't see that happening soon. I am so in love with him that I was willing to do everything possible to make it work. But it takes 2, I realize that. Maybe by filing for divorce, he will wake up. He needs to get clean, he needs to start taking his medication RIGHT and stay away from HER. I hope he realizes that before he has completely ruined us.

deena04 posted 6/11/2014 10:37 AM

Ok check with your insurance and where you register your truck. Here if a civil matter with marital property goes on, you could put it "in storage" meaning anyone driving it as such would be in deep shit! Follow the steps to do so. The other option is get it with a cop and do not let him know where you keep it. Do one or the other like now to be sure you're protected. Also send him a certified letter now telling him no one has permission to drive it. Send him that text now as well and keep it.

4everfaithful83 posted 6/11/2014 11:03 AM

Baseballmom31 - I'm so sorry you are in pain!

You have gotten some really awesome advice on here!

I cannot believe that your lawyer said there's nothing you can do about the truck. It's in your name! And so is the insurance. I'm hoping someone with law experience will come along and say that your lawyer is mistaken.

Why don't you take the truck and leave it at a friends house so that he will not find it? If one of them crashes the car and heaven forbid kills someone, its your ass on the line. You're the one who's going to pay and go through all the hell. I think you're going through enough right now, you don't need any added stress.

Read the healing library and practice the 180! It can be a life saver! Really!

Sending you strength today!

BaseballMom31 posted 6/11/2014 11:47 AM

I am waiting for the first opportunity that I know it is parked and I plan on going to get it. I am going to park it at my Dads. He won't have the balls to go there. And my Dad said he will take it apart before he allows him to take it. It is almost noon now, still haven't heard a word from him. I did text and let him know how much a divorce is and what I need from him. Still nothing. I am in the process now of filing the paperwork online. Crying the whole time, but I am doing it. I am hoping it will wake him up and he will see I am serious. However, I feel like he is too far gone to care at this point.

This is truly heartbreaking. My whole body hurts. I still can't sleep and I can't eat. I feel like I am dying inside. This is the last thing I ever expected from the man I married and fell in love with so many years ago. I would still get butterflies and get a little smile when I see him pull into our driveway. I can't imagine life without him. I just don't understand how he can throw us away. His wife, his child, his home, his job and his life.

He is on parole, he spent time in a treatment center. And I stood by him, I supported him. I believed in him. And I defended him. Today is his monthly call in to his parole officer. I was always the one to remind him to make that call. I always made sure he did. Unfortunately, his PO isn't too concerned with him because he has done the right thing for so long. He has only physically seen her 1x since his release over 3 years ago. I know he is headed back, only this time it won't be a treatment center. He will do actual prison time. I pray he straightens up before then.

I have always been his "mother", making sure he took his meds, making sure he did the right thing. Maybe I controlled too much? Maybe that ultimately pushed him away? I feel so much fault for the end of my marriage. Everyone says I shouldn't, but I do. I gained too much weight, I wasn't pretty enough, I nagged too much, I just wasn't ENOUGH. God this hurts.

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