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i found a statement my stbx had written to his homewrecker's court system (on behalf of her custody battle) that detailed the timeline of the affair for me. He stated that they had re-connected on 7/4/2012 and he PROPOSED on 2/1/2013! I didn't even know they were speaking until 3/2013 and even then I thought they had just started. So literally for an entire year I was in the dark! I feel so stupid.

Also, my 10 yr old says that his dad asks him if he likes the woman. He says no. My stbx then tells 10 yr old that he wants to break up with her but by the next day they are happy again. Now i see they set a wedding date.

****this is the major thing: when i first met my stbx i knew he had been a drug user, heroin & coke & pot. He cleaned up 100% (except for pot use behind my back). Fast forward to now. He has his fiancee that he had known from "back in the day". her 18 yr old son was living with my stbx until last week when they say he burglarized the home. I went to the house to see (since my stbx is out of state at the moment) and I discovered our once marital home is now destroyed!
He had left his pitbull there and it ripped up all the trash. All the (as the neighbors described) druggies that he let in the home have turned it in to a home that should be condemned. The toilets are backed up, trash everywhere, dog feces & urine everywhere. The best - drug paraphernalia everywhere. Straws, residue, pot bottles, balloons, rusty razor blade, etc.

Now, my stbx has been gone 2 months so he'll be able to say none of this is his. But the neighbors tell me that since i left the home there are always people in & out of the home and cops there frequently. My 12 yr old even witnessed my stbx & his new stepson smoking glass pipes in the living room while the kids were there.

My lawyer says if i want to go after custody i would have to file all the motions and such like normal thus giving my ex time to clean up etc. I do not know what my ex is doing as far as drugs. I know he likes his pot but that is legal here. Also, I discovered he gave our son's bed to his gf's daughter & our son now has an air mattress.

What the heck do I do??? He comes back next week & will want to take our son. We are on speaking terms & I sent him some photos of the house. He claims our son will not go there until it's been cleaned & the boy who burglarized it is caught. But my stbx is a world class liar. How can I ensure my son's safety while not violating the custody order? I had a cop come out & document the home and i took pics. We're in CA. Help?

I would take any evidence you have about the drug use, including photos of the home and seek a protective order, especially in regards to your child. There should be absolutely no reason for your child to be with a parent who is regularly in the presence of heavy drug users. Maybe some of the police reports from visits to the house might be available to you to use in support of getting the order.

I would take any evidence you have about the drug use, including photos of the home and seek a protective order, especially in regards to your child.

Ditto this.

If you had a cop come out with you and document the home while you took pics, I'd say that is some pretty heavy evidence on your side. There is no way my child would be leaving my sight with his so-called father. Not a chance. I'd be filing for a change in visitation pronto, and I'd be denying visitation in the meantime.

I would seek a protective order as well. If he was done with that life he would be *done*. Addicts are professional liars.

His actions speak louder than words. Repeat that to yourself.

That's been hard for me to learn. I gave my xh the benefit of the doubt for so long, but now I realize the lies he is willing to tell. He is a functioning alcoholic with a good job. He lies so smoothly about his alcohol use its scary. My eyes and smell tell otherwise.

Remember users are smooth operators and his actions, allowing people enter into his home that create chaos and deplorable conditions speak LOUD and CLEAR.

I think you should attend alanon so it give you tools to handle the an addict and protect your son. I am sorry. It sucks and its not right. Trust your gut.