I believe once they cheat most of the time they are lobg detached and gone. The WS who wants to proactivelt R are rare.
For the remorseful WS, they know they fucked up and they want to get back to the place where their BS trusted them.
“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.”
― Mark Twain
Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013
Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.
Well. I guess maybe not.
So he went relationship shopping while married and our kids were in high school, set it up, left, and a year later filed for divorce when my oldest was 19 and youngest was 17, knowing the divorce would take at least a year and he would have no child support.
It's all very calculated. And they have time to adjust because they've already detached and have been planning it. You do not.
He traveled for work, who knows what he was doing all of those years. I took care of his family, house, dog, cars, etc...responsibilities while he was out trolling for women.
It's always all about them. They do not care about you at all. Or they wouldn't have done it to begin with.
He got the loving wife and family and all of the presumed integrity that entailed AND he got to have his dirty little secrets on the side. Why change anything?
Now he has someone whose love he has to buy and who he knows he can never fully trust.
ETA: do you know you posted this in S/D? You would receive different responses in the R or General forums.
[This message edited by SBB at 4:40 AM, June 11th (Wednesday)]
Status - In D.
He didn't want to give up with me until he was absolutely sure he was "set" in a new relationship. Things with the OW were on-again/off-again on an almost daily basis. He wanted to be able to have me as a fallback whenever they were "off-again".
His slip? I told him that he had to choose - me or her. His response: something along the lines of... what if I choose her and then it doesn't work out. He said, "I CAN'T be alone."
It all comes down to selfishness. There is no consideration of what this kind of thing does to the BS. Just a "what's best for me" attitude.
Looking back, I am probably responsible at least a little for his attitude. He was living with his parents until we got together. I mistakenly assumed that because he had a decent job with a future, and had to travel with that job on a regular basis, that he was actually an adult capable of functioning in the world on his own. When we got married, all the bills and real responsibilities fell on me. He refused to take them on (and eventually helped less and less even with the money side of things). And I let him.
He got mad sometimes and accused me of "mothering" him. But he also wanted it that way... and wanted to make sure I was still around to play mommy if it didn't work out with the new mommy.
That's all my long-winded way of saying that I think most of the time when WS's want to stick around, it's some combination of wanting to make sure a backup plan is in place, fear of the unknown, and inertia (possibly combined with a fear they will look like the bad guy).
I am going after half of his 401k, half of the stock, bank accounts AND I think I'll ask for alimony too while I'm at it.
As some of you have said, I do believe he is detached and gone. I can see the selfishness in him and he would just die if his family or boss found out what kind of person he "really" is. I've given up looking for more evidence because really, what good would it do me except to upset me all over again? He has shown me his true self. I need to keep remembering that every time he gets so sickeningly sweet towards me. Makes.me.sick. Creep.
married 19 years
separated since 8/2013
D FINAL! Sept 10 2014
D-day Dec 21 2013 (after separation)
2 sons 15 and 12
OW = family friend and WH work colleague, going on many years (I was clueless)