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Building Security - BS Encouraged

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DrJekyll posted 6/10/2014 14:18 PM

We are trying to rebuild from this nuclear bomb. And making efforts to try to establish security for my BS.

Does anyone have suggestions?

We are looking into legal advice for purpose of post-nup or D with remarriage and pre-nup. whichever will hold up.

I will be selling some of my things to start an escape fund for her if I were to relapse.

I am encouraging furthering her education.

And of course I am in IC and establishing boundaries.

what further things have helped your BS or you as a BS to feel secure again?

tfkeel posted 6/10/2014 14:58 PM

I don't really have any suggestions. But I think the things you are doing are excellent.

Wayflost posted 6/10/2014 15:14 PM

What State are you in?

Lionne posted 6/10/2014 15:33 PM

BS of a SA in recovery here...I have suggestions that you may already be using. I'll list them. But I want you to know that she will be on HIGH ALERT for awhile, maybe years. Each time her trust is reinforced, it builds her confidence a bit. Conversely, if her trust is betrayed, even with a little thing, a "white lie" an ommision, her confidence is eroded. Maybe a lot.

Here is my list.

Given her passwords to everything. Eventually, her need to check up will go away.

Allow her to control, or at least see EVERY financial transaction. Volunteer information about all of it so she doesn't have to ask. If she does ask, be patient, give her full and honest information.

Put a GPS tracker on your cell phone that allows her to confirm your whereabouts. Life360 is free and even gives passive alerts for 2 locations so she doesn't even have to log in to see where you are. Check in with her anyway, and send her pix so she knows you are thinking of her and sensitive to her pain.

Answer all her questions with patience and love. Again and again if needed. Allow her to "vent" her pain to you and be as comforting as possible. One hopes her venting will not take the form of abuse toward you; I was cognizant of attacking the ACT, not the perpetrator, but I doubt if my SAFWH always felt that way. Her anger will abate as her trust increases. And with time...

I love your idea of selling things so that she can become financially independent. I think this will make her more comfortable, also. Please do pursue the legal angle as well. We did something informal, but it helped me know that he would have financial consequences if he relapsed.

You mention relapse. If you also are dealing with addiction in any form, please encourage her to get help from a support group and an IC. And involve her in your recovery to the extent that she know that you are actively working on recovery. If it is SA, direct her to the I Can Relate forum, spouses of sex addicts have their own thread.

Good luck. Hope this helps a bit.

DrJekyll posted 6/10/2014 16:11 PM

tfkeel - thanks for your encouragement

wayflost - ohio

scardyKat - thanks for your suggestions.
and I have given a spreadsheet with all of the sites i have been too, shopping accounts, banks, investments,email, everything including web address username, password, and security questions.

we do the bills together, and I have put the banking apps on her phone and showed her how to use them.

GPS, didn't think of that one. Currently we have been able to talk for 16 hours a day. both of our jobs have had us in a unique position to be able to be on the phone. even when I have to talk to coworkers she just sits quietly and can hear the conversation.

currently I have a modified pre-nup form I found online. But to make sure, we are going to consult an attorney.

Our marriage had been bad for a few years before I had stepped out. Any relapse of the unacceptable behaviors. Including, selfishness, disregard, alcohol, drugs, etc. I look at them all as equally bad. So any relapse into old behavior. Not just infidelity.

Thanks for your comments

hardtimesinlife posted 6/10/2014 16:54 PM

One thing I remember reading a long time ago is that the ws should move Toward the bs when they trigger. Many times it is instinct to turn away from the pain you see. Sometimes it may even seem like the bs is acting more hurt just to "rub it in". Let me assure you, that isn't the case. This pain is real, it lasts a very long time and it jumps up and slaps a bs in the face at the most inopportune times. I remember telling my ws that I cannot just choose not to hurt. It isn't a decision we make just so we can make the ws hurt.

Another idea is to approach the subject yourself instead of her always having to bring it up. If something comes on tv that seems to be a trigger put your arm around her and whisper "I'm so sorry. I love you" or whatever. Randomly ask her if she wants to talk about things. Let her know you are the safe place to go when she's hurting.

I wish you all the best.

DrJekyll posted 6/10/2014 17:12 PM

This pain is real, it lasts a very long time and it jumps up and slaps a bs in the face at the most inopportune times.

I see the pain in her eyes. And it hurts me tremendously. I try hard to feel the depths of the pain that I have caused her.

If something comes on tv that seems to be a trigger put your arm around her and whisper "I'm so sorry. I Love you

I have been doing this for a while now. It seems that her triggers are becoming my triggers. I guess that is another step on the journey to the abyss with her.

TheIrishGirl posted 6/10/2014 18:59 PM

I like everything hardtimesinlife said. I asked my WH to be more physically affectionate- to be the one reaching out for a hug, moving over for a snuggle, etc. all requires that I put myself out there a bit, and after feeling the rejection of being a BS, it's hard to do. I will tell him if I'm not in a place to want the hug, the rub on the back, the kiss on the head, etc.

Little things that demonstrate the love mean a lot- especially when we need so badly to be comforted and feel wanted.

Wayflost posted 6/11/2014 10:05 AM

I think it is really admirable that you are looking for ways to give her financial security. I noted in one of your other posts that you believe she feels trapped - lack of financial independence etc.

So I looked up weather postnups are valid in Ohio. They aren't.

Ohio bans all postnuptial contracting under Ohio Rev. Code Ann. 3103.06:[41] "A husband and wife cannot, by any contract with each other, alter their legal relations, except that they may agree to an immediate separation and make provisions for the support of either of them and their children during the separation." Additionally, Ohio courts have traditionally refused to enforce postnutpial agreements executed in other states if the couple in question is domiciled in Ohio.

Having said that, I don't know if a court would refuse to let the two of you follow through on an agreement you wanted enforced.

You might want to discuss with a family law attorney the best way to go about securing financial independence for your wife. Perhaps a trust...

DrJekyll posted 6/11/2014 13:36 PM

Well talked with a lawyer briefly. Apparently in Ohio it is against the code of ethics for my wife and myself to sit with the same lawyer to even have a discussion. not for them to take any sides, but just to answer questions about the laws. super frustrating. I understand their point, but frustrating. Sorry just venting.

seethelight posted 6/11/2014 14:02 PM

Dr. Jekyl

Can you move to a state where a post nup is accepted?

Some might need a 3 mos to six month residency.

I think you can get a post nup in the state where you reside and the post nup is valid, even if you married in ohio.

But talk to a lawyer to ensure this.

It might be cheaper and less stressful than a divorce and pre nup.

Here is a link to wikipedia and state law on post nups.

somethingremorse posted 6/11/2014 14:30 PM

It seems that her triggers are becoming my triggers.

I understand this. I replied to something else this week that everything good that happens makes both of us feel regret for what we have lost. This is natural and can be part of empathy -- provided that you are putting her pain first.

If you are looking for purely financial sorts of stuff, I think you are on the right track. You can probably get most of effect out of a postnup by doing things like setting up a trust for the kids, putting a car in your BWs name, establishing a bank account or IRA just for her, etc.

My main piece of advice after seeing a handful of your posts over the last couple of days is to try to take things one day at a time. Don't try to eat the elephant in one bite. Don't try to map out the future -- live today the best that you can. Wake up tomorrow and try the same. Otherwise you will get overwhelmed by all of the hurdles you have to clear, all the hurt that you have to experience.

It is hard to take, especially for men, but we cannot fix this. We can only go through it.

DrJekyll posted 6/11/2014 14:44 PM

Can you move to a state where a post nup is accepted

we discussed this. currently the plan is to keep my BS close to her parents.

try to take things one day at a time

i try really hard to do this. I look at every day that my BS stays as a gift. And try to not squander any minute with her and the kids.

Thanks everyone for so many great suggestions. I really appreciate everyone's input.

jaime2014 posted 6/22/2014 14:46 PM

Funny, you call it a "nuclear bomb." My ex-mm nicknamed me Hurricane & boy did it certainly turn out to be.

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