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Double weirdness -- anniversary & WH's birthday today

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TheThreeYearFool posted 6/10/2014 16:06 PM

Many years ago I made what was in retrospect one of many stupid decisions and scheduled our elopement wedding on WH's birthday.

Loudly claiming to just not be a birthday person, he made no objections at the time. Of course during his A he sniped about my stealing his day or something like that....

In reaction I'd downplay the whole anniversary aspect of it, making a big deal about taking WH out for birthday dinners. In fact last year I planned and paid for an entire weekend out of town culminating in a $350+ steakhouse dinner.

Now I know that for the past three birthdays he'd managed to get a fancy birthday dinner from OW as well. Oh, and every year "a coworker" brought him birthday cupcakes. He even brought a couple home last year!

I was in competition the whole time and I didn't even know it. Trigger city.

But I can't seem to let his birthday go unacknowledged. I didn't break the bank or make a huge effort on his gift, but I picked up a gift certificate for a full detail on his beloved car (in which he had sex with OW ) and an ice cream cake.

He dragged his feet on choosing a place for dinner tonight. Maybe he feels guilty or something, since he finally decided on a steakhouse when I pointed out that I had a $40 coupon for the place.

As for the anniversary aspect of the day... I can't even bring myself to say the word out loud. My MIL, who knows about the A, sent us a simple anniversary card. I read it but said nothing to WH about it.

It's supposed to be our seventh anniversary. Seventh anniversary of what? Of when he stood and lied? When he made promises he never intended to keep? Or maybe he did intend to keep them, but he broke them nonetheless.

He made it all of three whopping years of marriage before breaking those vows. I just don't know if I can acknowledge the day.

I know I can't celebrate it...

karmahappens posted 6/10/2014 16:25 PM


I didn't break the bank or make a huge effort on his gift, but I picked up a gift certificate for a full detail on his beloved car (in which he had sex with OW ) and an ice cream cake.

I am really not sure why you feel the need to do this for him...the car he used to have sex with the OW?

Why hasn't it been sold? Why do his feelings, wants and needs appear to come before yours?

He should be bending over backwards to help you through this, not getting a celebration birthday dinner.

I am sorry, you deserve better

pain822 posted 6/18/2014 02:39 AM

what was his reaction to all this and how is he handling all this?
Whether or not he is helping you to deal with all this is the key to know whether he wants real R. If he wants to just pass it off, I really doubt it.

How does he handle the A stuff in general? have you been going to councelling? what did he think of his seventh anniversary?

gettingpastit posted 6/18/2014 08:23 AM

I can relate. My birthday and our anniversary are one day apart. Over the years I have come to dread both. Last year was our tenth anniversary and I arranged (and paid for) a weekend at the hotel where we spent our wedding night. I did not know about the a at the time. Horrible weekend to say the least. Thinking of finding a new birthday!! I'm too new to this to offer any advice. But I resent that 'my day' has been hijacked by years of lies. I'm learning to take myself back!

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