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Newest Member: Dquacook1973 (60713)

User Topic: Spending time apart for the first time since Dday
♀ 43059
Member # 43059
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, June 10th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband is taking our teenaged son and his friends to a music festival for 5 days- first time we will be apart since dday. Last year I worried about bad weather and sunburns. This year I worry about poor choices- ugh! WH has been doing well- working hard to give me reasons to trust him and making changes that needed to be made. But I cannot help but feel a little more anxious than I have in the past to let him go. Drinking was a factor in his A. He didn't drink for 8 weeks after dday and then started drinking just a little- there is a culture of alcohol in his career so it is hard to completely avoid, but now he is limiting himself to just beer and just one or two- no hard alcohol which had been his preference. He has told me that he will not drink at all while he is gone with the teens which I appreciate. I really do think they will be fine, but it is so scary after trusting so much and being blindsided. Had I known about the A sooner there is no way he would be going to this this year. Just had to vent.

BW Me (40ish)
WH Him (40ish)
Kids ages 10-20
Married 20 years
OW 27- passed away 2/4/15 from cervical cancer
DDay 4/3/14- 6 month EA - Yes, I know he could be lying and will continue to be checked just in case.
They were "in love" & sexting

Posts: 554 | Registered: Apr 2014
♀ 31528
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Posts: 50375 | Registered: Mar 2011
♀ 41245
Member # 41245
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, June 11th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Feeling for ya jendo - I too was totally blindsighted - and right before a trip to Europe (which we went on because everything was booked). I wish I'd have had the presence of mind to say uh-uh no way, but there it is. It had its upsides, too. My WH showed he really cared about me - though there was sadness too.

I'm worried about the alcohol for your H. It is a very dangerous thing for an addict to have "just a little" or so I'm told, because their self-regulation is already impaired with the addictiveness.

Ultimately however, you can't make his decision for him about what he will do. Even if he were home you can't control what he's going to do. I would be clear about boundaries - if there is a second violation, or even direspecting behaviour, you will protect yourself by doing x - whatever that may be, which will govern your actions, not his. The powerlessness is a terrible feeling, but even getting clear about what you will and won't do if certain things happen can be reassuring. I think that the boundaries have to be very clear for yourself and him.

Married 10 years, together for 15
Me: BS Him: chronic boundary issues, EA for 2 years, DD Spring 2013

Posts: 296 | Registered: Nov 2013
Topic Posts: 3

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