"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Running the Race posted 6/11/2014 04:39 AM

I'm sure something like this topic has been posted before. So my EWW has a new boyfriend. She has always complained about money, but gotten babysitters to watch the kids.
She is now, from what I hear from my kids, leaving the kids with a babysitter overnight as she goes watches her new bf (he is in a heavy metal band, no kids, about 42) and I image sleeps with him until the next day.
My question is, am I over thinking her discussions as bad? I mean, I'm dating, I refuse to introduce my kids to my gf for now, on my weekends with the kids, I only get a babysitter so I can work. Then I spend the money for the kids to do swimming or some other activity, or food.
She does watch the kids 3 nights a week, and when my kids talk about her, they Love her. I never bad mouth her, she has said a few things negative about me to the kids.
I'm not one to believe on karma, I have always felt that bad discussions lead to bad consequences. Not that you'll get what's coming to you regardless.
But now I'm wondering, do I overthink things? Is she OK making these discussions? Are these even "bad" discussions on her part? Do bad discussions really catch up to people? And are the discussions I would consider "bad", really that bad?

suckstobeme posted 6/11/2014 05:40 AM

She's a mother. She does not see her children every day. Yet, when she does have the chance to see them she decides to leave them overnight so she can go listen to a band and sleep with her new bad boy boyfriend?

Yes. These are bad decisions that are going to lead to bad consequences.

I'm not saying that parents can't maintain personal lives of their own. But, your role as a parent comes first. You're dating and managing to not have it interfere with your role as a father, right? We're not 22 years old anymore with zero responsibilities. Your ex is one of those people who just can't seem to grasp that.

Your ex is a very selfish person and, unfortunately, the wants and needs of her own children don't even trump her wants and needs.

You don't have to bad mouth her. Your children will recognize where their mother's loyalty lies one day soon. The consequence will be that they will someday treat her like an obligation - just like she treated them. They will choose not to make special memories with her because she chose not to do that with them. I don't care what you call it. Don't say the word karma, but your past behavior does impact your future and when it comes to kids, they don't miss much and they don't forget anything. If you go out of your way to make them feel unspecial when they're young, they'll go out of their way to do the same to you.

Finally - does your parenting agreement contain a right of first refusal for overnights? Please check that - many agreements contain that clause so that the other parent gets the first shot at seeing the kids rather than them having to stay with a sitter all that time.

tesla posted 6/11/2014 06:14 AM

Yes, people reap the consequences of their decisions. It takes a while and never seems to happen as quickly as we would like.

Teslet loves his dad and has him up on a pedestal...he would rather that I be wrong than his dad. If I'm wrong about something, then I can make it right -- Teslet knows this. But if his dad is wrong and ex-shat comes crashing down from his pedestal...Teslet has no experience of his dad making something right. He doesn't know what is going to happen and that scares him.

Your kids will always love (or want to love) their mother and will accept her poor behavior (for now) because the alternative is that they would have to face some very scary, tough shit. Just keep doing what you are doing. And do see about being the kids' babysitter on her party nights.

solus sto posted 6/11/2014 08:46 AM

Sometimes people "pay" for their bad decisions. Sometimes, they don't. Some people really do seem to skate, no matter what.

I had to let go of consequence. If we look for justice and fair as in infidelity and divorce situations, we won't find it. So I let to of what I can't control.

Unfortunately the thing I most want to control--the effects on my kids--remains out of my grasp.

We can only do what we can do. We will experience consequences-of our own behavior and that of others. But what happens to those other people? Not worth worrying about because we can't effect any meaningful change.

Not a big believer in karma.

7yrsflushed posted 6/11/2014 09:30 AM

RTR, I am in a similar scenario. I have been separated for a year and will be D in about a month. STBXWW had a new boyfriend immediately, brought him around the kids and even takes him with them to events. The BF's teenage daughter was keeping the kids while stbxww went out with him. We have 50/50 custody and we do week at a time Friday through Friday. That means that both of us get 2 entire weeks a month to do whatever we choose to do. When I am with the kids, it's ALL about the kids. I have gone on dates but I go when the kids are with stbxww. My focus is on the kids when they are with me. I save my me time for when it's just me. STBXWW doesnt' seem to get that. But it's out of my control.

My son is in IC. Even the counselor agrees it's too soon to introcude SO's into the mix. There are consequences and imo our WS's that put themselves first before the kids are the ones that pay down the road. My kids will remember the parade of "dudes" through Mom's house and they will remember that Dad was always focused on them. If I do end up meeting someone I have no intentions of having them interacting with my kids until I have known them for a very long time.

I don't worry about what my STBXWW does. As long as no harm comes to my kids there is nothing I can do. I let it go. I focus on me and the kids when I have them. I don't try to convince my EX of anything anymore. She wouldn't listen anyway. I focus on what I can control.

KeepOnMovin posted 6/11/2014 09:45 AM

I had to let go of consequence. If we look for justice and fair as in infidelity and divorce situations, we won't find it. So I let to of what I can't control.

This^^

I have so much wanted to see my STBXWW reap the consequences of her behavior. However, that is energy wasted. it would be better spent working on your future and your relationship with your kids.

littlefoggy posted 6/11/2014 09:58 AM

They pay for their actions. But not always in tangible ways we can measure.

So we need to stop measuring and trust that bad energy will revisit them. And the good energy that we put out in the world will revisit us.

[This message edited by littlefoggy at 9:59 AM, June 11th (Wednesday)]

sparkysable posted 6/11/2014 11:23 AM

I would look into right of first refusal. Why should your kids be sitting there with a babysitter when they could be with you?

lost2012 posted 6/11/2014 12:45 PM

I am so sorry that you are going through this. i thought i would give my humble opinion. I have a similiar agreement. 50/50 and we switch each week on Sunday nights. I have a clause about right of first refusal, and I think it's worth exploring. My problem has been proving that the kids are with a sitter. I sometimes have days off during the week and I would like to see them. I know him and OW (who are now married) have hired a sitter. One way I try to look at it is that I have some me time. Like yesterday, if they want to pay for a sitter while I got my nails done- good for them! I struggle too with what things can I change, and what do I just have to deal with. My attorney said- "no court can force someone to be a decent human being." I guess I have to face that I chose a poor father for my children. Good luck.

Gemini71 posted 6/11/2014 15:20 PM

Yes, there are consequences. Sometimes we even get a front row seat. It's never quite as satisfying as we imagine.

I also believe that there is a final reckoning for everyone.

SBB posted 6/11/2014 16:43 PM

I guess I have to face that I chose a poor father for my children.

THIS. Unfortunately I have to wait for something bad to happen before I can do anything about it. He leaves a 6and 3.5 year old roaming around his house whilst he sleeps off booze/drugs. He lets them play unsupervised in his front yard on a main road. There are so many examples like that. No court can make someone be a decent parent.

You can bet your arse he'll get it all guns blazing if anything does happen - he'll be lucky to get supervised visitation. Until then I just have to wait and hope he lucks out and nothing bad happens.

I would definitely insist on FRR. She is likely not going to adhere to it but at least you have it should you decide to get a PI to prove she isn't following the court mandated agreement.

Unbelievable that she would squander precious time with her kids. Time she won't get back. I have 50/50 and I do all of my single life stuff when they're not here. It is ample time for it. I guess 'true Luuurve' can't withstand any time apart. He needs to keep an eye on her 24/7 - I'm just glad it isn't my job anymore.