Yes. These are bad decisions that are going to lead to bad consequences.
I'm not saying that parents can't maintain personal lives of their own. But, your role as a parent comes first. You're dating and managing to not have it interfere with your role as a father, right? We're not 22 years old anymore with zero responsibilities. Your ex is one of those people who just can't seem to grasp that.
Your ex is a very selfish person and, unfortunately, the wants and needs of her own children don't even trump her wants and needs.
You don't have to bad mouth her. Your children will recognize where their mother's loyalty lies one day soon. The consequence will be that they will someday treat her like an obligation - just like she treated them. They will choose not to make special memories with her because she chose not to do that with them. I don't care what you call it. Don't say the word karma, but your past behavior does impact your future and when it comes to kids, they don't miss much and they don't forget anything. If you go out of your way to make them feel unspecial when they're young, they'll go out of their way to do the same to you.
Finally - does your parenting agreement contain a right of first refusal for overnights? Please check that - many agreements contain that clause so that the other parent gets the first shot at seeing the kids rather than them having to stay with a sitter all that time.
Teslet loves his dad and has him up on a pedestal...he would rather that I be wrong than his dad. If I'm wrong about something, then I can make it right -- Teslet knows this. But if his dad is wrong and ex-shat comes crashing down from his pedestal...Teslet has no experience of his dad making something right. He doesn't know what is going to happen and that scares him.
Your kids will always love (or want to love) their mother and will accept her poor behavior (for now) because the alternative is that they would have to face some very scary, tough shit. Just keep doing what you are doing. And do see about being the kids' babysitter on her party nights.
I had to let go of consequence. If we look for justice and fair as in infidelity and divorce situations, we won't find it. So I let to of what I can't control.
Unfortunately the thing I most want to control--the effects on my kids--remains out of my grasp.
We can only do what we can do. We will experience consequences-of our own behavior and that of others. But what happens to those other people? Not worth worrying about because we can't effect any meaningful change.
Not a big believer in karma.
My son is in IC. Even the counselor agrees it's too soon to introcude SO's into the mix. There are consequences and imo our WS's that put themselves first before the kids are the ones that pay down the road. My kids will remember the parade of "dudes" through Mom's house and they will remember that Dad was always focused on them. If I do end up meeting someone I have no intentions of having them interacting with my kids until I have known them for a very long time.
I don't worry about what my STBXWW does. As long as no harm comes to my kids there is nothing I can do. I let it go. I focus on me and the kids when I have them. I don't try to convince my EX of anything anymore. She wouldn't listen anyway. I focus on what I can control.
This^^
I have so much wanted to see my STBXWW reap the consequences of her behavior. However, that is energy wasted. it would be better spent working on your future and your relationship with your kids.
So we need to stop measuring and trust that bad energy will revisit them. And the good energy that we put out in the world will revisit us.
[This message edited by littlefoggy at 9:59 AM, June 11th (Wednesday)]
I also believe that there is a final reckoning for everyone.
Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013 Divorced 11/18/2014
I guess I have to face that I chose a poor father for my children.
You can bet your arse he'll get it all guns blazing if anything does happen - he'll be lucky to get supervised visitation. Until then I just have to wait and hope he lucks out and nothing bad happens.
I would definitely insist on FRR. She is likely not going to adhere to it but at least you have it should you decide to get a PI to prove she isn't following the court mandated agreement.
Unbelievable that she would squander precious time with her kids. Time she won't get back. I have 50/50 and I do all of my single life stuff when they're not here. It is ample time for it. I guess 'true Luuurve' can't withstand any time apart. He needs to keep an eye on her 24/7 - I'm just glad it isn't my job anymore.
