I would say that your wife is year 2, and that is when the survival button is not longer depressed and the reality button is on. And it's not good. The truth of what the spouse is capable of hits home and there is a lot of thinking and wondering and coming to grips with reality.
Continue doing what you're doing. Heal yourself so you're a safe partner no matter what happens. Hang on for the ride.
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
“Never be so focused on what you're looking for that you overlook the thing you actually find.”
all my time is dedicated to her, we commute to work together and are in constant communication during the work hours. No friends, no other contact to people whatsoever.
Without knowing the specifics, this might be counterproductive. Your BW needs to be able to heal and feel safe. At some point, she has to do some of that on her own. Also, she needs to be able to trust you "in the real world," not just because you have cut off all contact to everyone.
Ask yourself this: if the A never happened, and you spend all of your time and attention on your W, would she appreciate it?
I agree that the most likely answer is simply this is where she is in the process. But it is always good for us waywards to evaluate our role in it.
The more she knew about the affair, the more disappointed she felt.
Are there more details she doesn't know?
If there were details that she learned over time, as in not all right around D-Day, that could be hurting her as well. It's important that she knows everything and that nothing "trickles" out over time. Otherwise it resets healing.
If she knows everything, then like others have said, the coldness and distance could be just the normal part of the process. She has a lot to process.
Please give us your advises, what else can we do?
Initiate conversations with her about the A and about how she's feeling. If it's on her mind constantly, she might feel like she's going nuts, or like there's no outlet for the pain. Initiate, offer to talk about it, and it might give her some relief, especially because you're bringing it up.
Healing takes a long time. Sometimes it appears to be standing still; there's a good chance it's probably still happening, just not as visibly.
I am thankful that despite everything that had happened she is giving me the opportunity to change.
After many months of fighting with myself trying to understand my own feelings and the frustration of hearing my W crying one day and then cold as ice for weeks; I went to a T. He explained to me that I was the reason we didn’t make any progress. (I swear to god that I almost hit him in the face..., but instead,) I tried to explain to him my frustration: “at the beginning of my relationship YES, I put the blame on her… when I should have been taking responsibility for my happiness, the relationship and, also (because I loved her), her happiness too. She wasn’t perfect… but if only I would have made the right choices, I’m sure the affair would not have ever happened. THEN, I explained to him that after the affair has happened I felt helpless, I couldn’t have control of anything! I was trying my best to do all the things my W possibly wanted: I left all my regular activities, freezing my life just to avoid more conflicts, BUT the constant reminder that she has been hurt with my actions was draining all the energy I’ve had to make myself strong during the process. Conclusion: She wasn’t happy, I wasn’t happy and the relationship was almost dead”
My T told me that I wasn’t applying any of the lessons I learnt, and that I was evoking the same feelings of frustration, disappointment and resentment by making my w and the relationship responsible for my current unhappy situation.
I was waiting for her to forget, to regain trust and to return to the relationship by herself (and by telling her: “Okay, go ahead!, take control of my life I have nothing left. Now be happy, you have what you want”).
I was waiting for something outside of me to happen to start looking at her eyes with the love I had before. Therefore I was seeing only frustration in our relationship, forgetting how simple is to fall in love when we set our mind in the right things even if those things are surrounded by conflict.
I was looking for an excuse to see my marriage like a prison, and then, frustrated wonder how can I be happy in this situation? He explained to me that even if I’m not aware of that, by reinforcing this feeling of imprisonment and frustration I might reinforce the belief that I am unhappy in the relationship and that I have to find my happiness outside of the marriage again.
I was trying to show her that I was different but I was slowly creating the same dome around me by not sharing the important things on my life, or by feeling me violated every time I had to bring the subject to the table. I wasn't happy with sharing, nor
thinking in this as a therapy to see her as my closest friend. Instead I felt abused and frustrated.
Finally he told me that all the things I claim to understand NOW about the beginning of our marriage "what wonderful would it be if I would’ve done this or that"; apply perfectly to my situation RIGHT NOW. And if I don’t understand this I am using the affair, the crisis and the consequences as the reason for not be responsible for myself, the relationship and the wellbeing of someone that I probably still love.
Hope it helps.
[This message edited by Nevermore32 at 3:48 PM, July 17th (Thursday)]