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We are stuck and cannot move forward

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rickards posted 6/11/2014 16:06 PM

Hello all,
I'm writing this post because we desperately need your kind help and advices.
Our story is as follows, I had an affair that lasted for two years. The discovery day was 10 months ago; after that I began to realize how far I went and how much I hurt my wife. I regret everything, and tried to understand why it happened. The process of discovery was painful and we did a lot of things since then, we read books, forums, and did our therapy. We came to the conclusion that I had many behavioural problems. I realized that I never stopped loving my wife, but I was mad at her because I couldn't be happy with myself, I felt sorry for myself and put the blame on her. I quit my job where the affair happened, and tried to solve the distance between us. However, we are stuck in a point from which we cannot move. The more she knew about the affair, the more disappointed she felt. I am working on my behavioral issues and we talk about them. We also talk about our relationship almost every day. But the problem is that she is becoming colder and colder. She feels as if it happened yesterday or it is still happening; all my time is dedicated to her, we commute to work together and are in constant communication during the work hours. No friends, no other contact to people whatsoever. Also she has access to my phone and email accounts, facebook, etc. I understand this is a painful and long process, but the fact that she is becoming colder instead of moving forward scares me, it’s been 10 months and we expected some improvements but everything hurts just as the first day. Please give us your advises, what else can we do?
Thank you.

n0tm3 posted 6/11/2014 16:19 PM

Unfortunately 10 months is not a very long time. If she seems colder it might self preservation while she goes through the anger stage and mourning of what she thought she had as a marriage. Be patient and give her space to be angry. She has the right to be disappointed and needs to go through this process to heal. We have gone through this and still do. It isn't easy. It is a roller coaster. You can't move forward real fast. I know that my WH would love to and so would I. This not an easy place to be.

Gotmegood posted 6/11/2014 17:02 PM

Hmmmm. DDay for me was 10 months ago as well. I can assure you of only one thing - it isn't all better over here either. Yes, some of the immediate hurt has lessened. I don't cry as much or as often. I am no longer as obsessed with the slutty, immoral thing my fWH chose to break my heart and gut my emotional stability with. I am less critical of myself for being an obtuse, pathetic moron for not predicting that this unthinkable trauma would infect my life. I've stopped blaming myself for his immoral and cowardly choices. So I guess I have 'moved forward', quite a bit actually. I do not feel like 'it happened yesterday'. But.......I still have fears. I still have doubts. And I am still hurting. I'll give you one thing: you seem to be doing a heck of a lot right. When you discuss your relationship 'every day', listen to what she says. It occurs to me that she has been severely traumatized and will heal eventually. That is my hope for me anyway. But it didn't happen in just 10 months.

rachelc posted 6/11/2014 17:13 PM

this is a good synopsis of what your wife is going through:

I would say that your wife is year 2, and that is when the survival button is not longer depressed and the reality button is on. And it's not good. The truth of what the spouse is capable of hits home and there is a lot of thinking and wondering and coming to grips with reality.
Continue doing what you're doing. Heal yourself so you're a safe partner no matter what happens. Hang on for the ride.

tired girl posted 6/11/2014 17:50 PM

What exactly do you mean by moving forward? Do you have a timeline that you expect her to be on? I took two years to give my H a definite yes that I was going to stay in the M. So it can take years for this kind of thing. You took two years out of your M, ten months is not very long.

somethingremorse posted 6/12/2014 08:09 AM

all my time is dedicated to her, we commute to work together and are in constant communication during the work hours. No friends, no other contact to people whatsoever.

Without knowing the specifics, this might be counterproductive. Your BW needs to be able to heal and feel safe. At some point, she has to do some of that on her own. Also, she needs to be able to trust you "in the real world," not just because you have cut off all contact to everyone.

Ask yourself this: if the A never happened, and you spend all of your time and attention on your W, would she appreciate it?

I agree that the most likely answer is simply this is where she is in the process. But it is always good for us waywards to evaluate our role in it.

silverhopes posted 6/12/2014 10:38 AM

The more she knew about the affair, the more disappointed she felt.

Are there more details she doesn't know?

If there were details that she learned over time, as in not all right around D-Day, that could be hurting her as well. It's important that she knows everything and that nothing "trickles" out over time. Otherwise it resets healing.

If she knows everything, then like others have said, the coldness and distance could be just the normal part of the process. She has a lot to process.

Please give us your advises, what else can we do?

Initiate conversations with her about the A and about how she's feeling. If it's on her mind constantly, she might feel like she's going nuts, or like there's no outlet for the pain. Initiate, offer to talk about it, and it might give her some relief, especially because you're bringing it up.

Healing takes a long time. Sometimes it appears to be standing still; there's a good chance it's probably still happening, just not as visibly.

rickards posted 6/13/2014 16:45 PM

Thank you all for your kind responses, by reading the answers I realized that there is no stuck point, some things did change, rachelc thanks for the article, you are right, BW is in year 2, the reason for her coldness is because she is facing the awful reality. What an stupid human being is capable to do. I read the article with BW and we both learn a lot about the patterns; moreover, we both know what to avoid when we are talking. Also, it helped understand that there is no “fog” or “fantasy” there is a reason for everything and there is truth that we WS have to face.

I am thankful that despite everything that had happened she is giving me the opportunity to change.

Nevermore32 posted 7/17/2014 15:19 PM

Hi there,
I can relate as similar to yours was my case.
My advice is to be very careful in not repeating the same behavior that you already have been identified as negative. If you are transforming your life into a negative experience (anxiety, frustration, “no other contact with people whatsoever”, in other words: zero peace/normality) you will be feeling unhappy with your life all over again, and the biggest risk of all is that you will be blaming your wife for it all over again too!!

After many months of fighting with myself trying to understand my own feelings and the frustration of hearing my W crying one day and then cold as ice for weeks; I went to a T. He explained to me that I was the reason we didn’t make any progress. (I swear to god that I almost hit him in the face..., but instead,) I tried to explain to him my frustration: “at the beginning of my relationship YES, I put the blame on her… when I should have been taking responsibility for my happiness, the relationship and, also (because I loved her), her happiness too. She wasn’t perfect… but if only I would have made the right choices, I’m sure the affair would not have ever happened. THEN, I explained to him that after the affair has happened I felt helpless, I couldn’t have control of anything! I was trying my best to do all the things my W possibly wanted: I left all my regular activities, freezing my life just to avoid more conflicts, BUT the constant reminder that she has been hurt with my actions was draining all the energy I’ve had to make myself strong during the process. Conclusion: She wasn’t happy, I wasn’t happy and the relationship was almost dead”

My T told me that I wasn’t applying any of the lessons I learnt, and that I was evoking the same feelings of frustration, disappointment and resentment by making my w and the relationship responsible for my current unhappy situation.

I was waiting for her to forget, to regain trust and to return to the relationship by herself (and by telling her: “Okay, go ahead!, take control of my life I have nothing left. Now be happy, you have what you want”).
I was waiting for something outside of me to happen to start looking at her eyes with the love I had before. Therefore I was seeing only frustration in our relationship, forgetting how simple is to fall in love when we set our mind in the right things even if those things are surrounded by conflict.
I was looking for an excuse to see my marriage like a prison, and then, frustrated wonder how can I be happy in this situation? He explained to me that even if I’m not aware of that, by reinforcing this feeling of imprisonment and frustration I might reinforce the belief that I am unhappy in the relationship and that I have to find my happiness outside of the marriage again.
I was trying to show her that I was different but I was slowly creating the same dome around me by not sharing the important things on my life, or by feeling me violated every time I had to bring the subject to the table. I wasn't happy with sharing, nor
thinking in this as a therapy to see her as my closest friend. Instead I felt abused and frustrated.

Finally he told me that all the things I claim to understand NOW about the beginning of our marriage "what wonderful would it be if I would’ve done this or that"; apply perfectly to my situation RIGHT NOW. And if I don’t understand this I am using the affair, the crisis and the consequences as the reason for not be responsible for myself, the relationship and the wellbeing of someone that I probably still love.

Hope it helps.

[This message edited by Nevermore32 at 3:48 PM, July 17th (Thursday)]

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