"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

norabird posted 6/11/2014 16:08 PM

I had an OLD dating experience this past week that ramped up quickly and then imploded quickly. We had communication issues but it also re-opened some wounds I have from my exWBF about being judged for my past and seen reductively as only my sexual history.

I was upset last night and today as we were emailing about it (he had asked for my number and I complied, he then said he needed to process it) and now that we've cut the cord I'm facing another first date tonight, with the man I met on the train where we both posted on missed connections. I know he is a sweet and interesting and smart man and I would be hopeful and excited if I didn't have this sour taste in my mouth. I feel like I am expected to be ashamed of my adventurous past and the fact that I am not makes me feel like I am just going to have to deny it and act on false pretenses. I just want to be authentic and be accepted as I am, for what I have to give that is of value, without being full of fear of judgment or rejection for ancient history.

I will do my best on the date tonight and then retreat for another period of licking my wounds if it doesn't work out, I guess. I forgot how difficult this is.

notmeanymore posted 6/11/2014 16:19 PM

Seems kinda early for sexual history to be a topic? First week of communicating?

In any case, you be you. Don't fake shame when none is needed. The right person won't judge.

worried_lady posted 6/11/2014 16:23 PM

Sorry but I do not feel like that is anybody's business but yours. I would have ended the conversation when he asked. I am 53 and had a child so I know what sex is, how many times and with who is my business. I don't think I would tell anybody and if that cost me a relationship so be it. I see it as not a relationship I would be good in. Sorry I think it really crosses a line.

Forget him

norabird posted 6/11/2014 16:24 PM

It was very, very early! Too early and that was its own red flag. I held back answering at first but then decided to take the risk. His reaction made it seem as if I had decided to throw it in his face for the fun of it when, no, I would never ever have raised the topic and specifically informed him that I was leery of it after my last experience.

So I know I am dodging a bullet and maybe next time I can be more firm and draw lines in the sand about timing and off-limit topics.

But it is so hard not to drop back into a sinkhole of 'what if I'm not worthy, what if they're right to judge?'. I know I am worthy...but the fear is so big when someone you trust makes this an issue that obscures everything else.

worried_lady posted 6/11/2014 16:30 PM

I am so sorry he did that to you. I don't think I would answer that question in a committed relationship. What matters is how I have conducted myself since the day I met them. I have been on the bus forever so it is not like I have a ton of experience but still that is my business.

You are worthy, shame he wasn't

Oh the Irony posted 6/11/2014 16:39 PM

I like being able to talk about past sexual experiences openly--that's something I value in relationship.

Recently though, I scared the crap out of a friend that I had just started dating. He found out too much, too quickly. My therapist and I talked about not laying it all out there right away.

So I think sharing things gradually, and then also knowing that the right person can handle, enjoy, and celebrate your sexuality.

Crescita posted 6/11/2014 17:34 PM

On one hand I want to give you a witty/evasive retort, but on the other, you are probably better off letting the judgmental and insecure weed themselves out.

Since some people may ask out of simple curiosity, maybe just say you aren’t comfortable discussing sexual histories at this stage and leave it at that.

Hope you enjoy your meet up with the missed connection.

cmego posted 6/11/2014 18:30 PM

Kinda slightly from the "other side"…?

So, New Guy. We had been dating 2-3 weeks, and yup, already and sex. We were talking pasts a little bit on the phone one night, and it came out that he had a kinda wild time when younger. I'm not innocent, don't get me wrong, but he was talking about things that I had never been exposed to or done…or on my radar.

It was my first trigger with him. What hit me, or the trigger was, "HOW could he ever be happy with me, if that is what he really likes?" He recognized I got really quiet, and asked me about it and I was truthful. We managed to slowly talk it out by him saying, "I was young. A professional athlete. I wasn't dating anyone at the time. It was offered and I went with it. BUT…I'm older. I've matured. I don't want the wild and crazy any longer. I want a connection with someone, not just craziness."

It took me a little while to…calm down. He kept me on the phone to talk it out, (but if it were up to me, I would have hung up and withdrawn while I processed).

By the next day I was…asking questions

I wasn't judging him, I was assuming I could never satisfy him. I did need to process it though.

I don't know if this helps at all. I just needed to hear him and work through my thoughts. Regardless, you should be with someone who is accepting of your past. Don't let someone who is close-minded ruin a possible great date with "missed connection" .

*eta: If you are going to tell someone something (that may be shocking to them), they may need processing time. It doesn't necessarily mean they are judging you. For example, I tell guys ex is gay knowing full well I am shocking them and they need to think about it. Some guys handle it perfectly immediately, some are quiet and ask questions later, some do stupid crap and I know I am done with them.

[This message edited by cmego at 6:16 AM, June 12th (Thursday)]

Sad in AZ posted 6/11/2014 23:32 PM

Truly mature people don't judge. Don't be put off by this experience, and always, always be who you are.

nowiknow23 posted 6/12/2014 00:02 AM

(((((nora)))))

LearningToRun posted 6/12/2014 01:21 AM

So, this idiot asked and then couldn't handle the answer and then has the gall to slut shame you?!??

Good riddance. He obviously has issues or he wouldn't have asked. That you are left feeling judged is just bullcrap.

We are humans who have sex. What the heck is the problem? I'm super sick of the puritan attitude on sex. I was raised feeli g it was wrong and it's taken me a long time to embrace my sexual side. So, you might have hit one of my buttons, lol.

FTG.

the right guy won't care, and will love you for you.

ETA:
Don't FTG, Wouldn't want his number to be unacceptable, lol. What a load of crap

[This message edited by LearningToRun at 1:22 AM, June 12th (Thursday)]

Newlease posted 6/12/2014 08:05 AM

It is my experience that a conversation about that subject never ends well. I have never had anybody ask for a number and if they did, I would not reply.

As for what you like or what he likes, that is something you explore without the need for recalling experiences. Each new relationship should stand on its own merits without judgment about the past.

I'm 53 years old and a grandmother of 4. I haven't been a virgin for a very long time. That is obvious and the rest is nobody's business including current SO.

NL

norabird posted 6/12/2014 09:11 AM

Thank you all!

I had told myself before being asked this time that I wouldn't divulge the info again, and I didn't at first; I guess I just needed to have the lesson rubbed in. Hindsight yet again proves 20/20. I feel less discouraged by how it all went down already and a bit more able to see it as our just not being a match instead of getting neurotic over whether I'm doomed by my history.

It's all about brushing yourself off and picking yourself back up I guess. Chalking it up as a learning experience!

NaiveAgain posted 6/12/2014 09:35 AM

I love LearningtoRun's response.

That was definitely HIS issue, not yours.

But it is so hard not to drop back into a sinkhole of 'what if I'm not worthy, what if they're right to judge?'. I know I am worthy...but the fear is so big when someone you trust makes this an issue that obscures everything else.

1. If he judges you on your sexual history instead of who you are, what you stand for, what you do with your life, etc....why would you want him?
2. No one has the right to judge you. NO ONE! Not your parents, not your friends, not your religion, not some idiot stranger.....NO ONE! You are the only one that has the right to decide your values.
3. "when someone you trust" ----you didn't trust him yet, right? It takes months to be able to really trust someone (for me, I am slow. Takes me a year or more....) When you get to the point that you are being intimate with someone, deciding on your futures together, and feel like you can trust the other person with anything...that is the time to ask that type of personal question (if you feel it is something you need to know.) Someone that asks questions about sex, whatever that question is, before you have had more than a handful of dates, is not looking at you for what you really have to offer. They are just trying to decide if you are sexually compatible. There are more important things to figure out on the first few dates.