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nogoodap1 posted 6/11/2014 21:18 PM

I've told my BGF that I need help. I would like to see someone for IC. I'd prefer a SA therapist. but even just a normal one that I can through my insurance. while I know she'll support me either way. she's not entirely convinced I should see one. While I'm scared to talk to her about stuff I need kid hands with, I have no one I can turn to.

I have no one I can talk to about this stuff besides her. I told her "I need her help", And she's told me it's not her job. I get that I'm a W, why in hell should she help me let alone be gentle on me considering all I have done to her and this relationship. If I'm scared to open up to her because I don't want to make her angry then why bother opening up at all? I'm okay with being called out on my bullshit. But it seems she searches for something that I don't fully understand myself and need help understanding but she puts a black or white stamp on it.

Some things aren't always black or white, there are grey areas. But I would like figuring out something instead of always her arguing and telling me what it is without knowing everything. and asking specific questions to get to the answer that she can only see as the logical one.

This all makes me NOT want to share struggles with her because TO ME it feels like I should just be saying the worse case to her and call it a night.

I know I'm gonna get 2x4's on this. I know I'm being arrogant, but this is so frustrating (btw I don't need kid hands on this) I've tried opening up to her and telling her how I feel about this. I guess what I'm searching for is I want to be able to work on deep inner emotions and stuff with her. Because she really is the only one I want to talk to, and I want to let her in deeper than anyone I know.

ETA,
I have told her about my suicidal thoughts. being that I can't take seeing her hurt this way and knowing that I caused this and still continue to hurt her. Thinking that she would be better off without me hurting her. To include breaking a major boundary. Several months ago I got put on the spot and I gave a woman a ride back to work and didn't tell her about it because I know I shouldn't have and I came clean about it today. while nothing happened I took her back to work across the street on a test drive. I should have said no I don't ride in vehicles with women. I failed and had no backbone. And should have put my GF first instead of being afraid speaking out.

[This message edited by nogoodap1 at 11:30 PM, June 11th (Wednesday)]

1Faith posted 6/11/2014 21:51 PM

((((Gently))))

She is scared and hurt. She is trying to be strong.

She can't support you in the way you are looking for right now because you have destroyed her.

She is not being there because she doesn't want to; not because she doesn't love you...but because she isn't safe with you.

She is reeling from your betrayal. She can't grasp her own reality let alone trying to understand or help with your reality.

Right now, if you want this to work, please don't layer on the pressure of helping you figure yourself out. She can't do it.

Give her credit for standing by you. But you must now work on you. She can't help fix you. It's not her job.

Good luck. Fight for yourself and for her.

nogoodap1 posted 6/11/2014 22:08 PM

I'm trying my best to understand. but I have no one to talk to about me except her. so how can I fix myself by myself?

please don't misunderstand me for only thinking of me and being all about me. This is me trying to figure out how to stop hurting her by fixing me.

lifeshattered posted 6/11/2014 22:30 PM

I don't know what kind of issues you need help dealing with but if it is sexual you could attend an SAA or SA meeting for some guidance and support.

timidhope posted 6/11/2014 22:38 PM

while I know she'll support me either way

If that's the conclusion she arrived at and has told you, what's stopping you from doing everything you can to get the help you think you need?

I'm so glad I had IC. Some days, I know I need the 2x4's and can come here and read or post and other days I'm glad to have that session with my IC to say whatever it is on my mind which I don't think is truly how I feel. There's so much ugliness behind our actions as WS...why make the BS ride the rollercoaster of our own suffering when we've inflicted enough on them?

If the things you want to share help her, by all means share. 1Faith is right...BS' are dealing with enough.

If you truly have her support either way, give IC a shot. Make the appointment yourself. Share the outcomes of the session with your BGF and see how she feels about it then? It's probably new to her too.

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 6/11/2014 22:39 PM

Try recoverynation.com

1Faith posted 6/11/2014 22:41 PM

Is IC an option?

Have you asked yourself how you were trying to help her? She is hurt, destroyed, she needs help too. She is in place that is not due to her actions or behavior but yours.

You need to see this as bigger than just you.

You need to find a person (IC) or a group (SA?) to help you come to terms of WHY you allowed yourself to cheat and what are the steps you can put in place to assure your GF it will not happen again.

Put your GF's feelings and needs above yourself and seek solutions.

Good luck.

nogoodap1 posted 6/11/2014 23:35 PM

SEE ETA IN MAIN POST.

Lifeshattered,
Some are SA related then others I want to find out about more deeply routed issues such as my coping skills ect. But I won't go to a group meeting.

Timidhope,
I don't know if I need help from a therapist. I know I need help though. And I lie to her to protect myself and to control the situation to my benefit. so even discussing something with her I'd lie to her.

Now today I told her all the ugly things and said everything with truth and came out about a lot of stuff. And I'm not really sure we can make it through this storm this time.

1faith,
IC may be an option I just have to find out if my insurance will cover it or not.

And I wasn't helping her. All I've been doing is lying to her and hurting her.

As of right now I can't assure her anything because of what I've done. I want to do what I can to help her heal but I don't know what needs to be done. I have to seek the solutions like you said and put her first. But how does one do that when the only thing she said that she needs is the truth and me gone?

LostTime posted 6/12/2014 00:30 AM


But I won't go to a group meeting.

Why not?

nogoodap1 posted 6/12/2014 06:19 AM

Losttime,
I wot go to a group meeting because people not specifically trained in SA can actually hurt a SA's recovery. I would go to person who is certified and specializes in SA.

outtanowhere posted 6/12/2014 06:24 AM

I was wondering the same thing. If you truly want to help her you must be willing to seek the help you need. You seem ambivalent about that. Go talk to IC preferably a CSAT who Is skilled in SA. You may think you are unique but, there are very common threads that run thru SA's and a CSAT will point them out for you.

You are asking way too much of your GF right now. Go get started fixing yourself and maybe when she starts seeing the changes you are making as you grow to be the man you feel you want to be the, she may want to give it another go. If she doesn't that's a consequence of your bad behavior and should serve to motivate you even more.

Truthfully, if I had know that my H was SA before I married him I would have left and never looked back. The sheer devastation caused by SA has forever changed my life in ways I would have never imagined. Don't offer up excuses why you don't want to do something. Suck it up and get going. The rest of your life depends on it!

nogoodap1 posted 6/12/2014 09:14 AM

I do want to help her. And I started with what she wanted. The truth... And the truth took what little she had for me and tossed it away.

I want to see someone I'm just scared of the first step. Or that I'm gonna be a good judge of character and know that the guy is either gonna mess me up more or make me someone she can look at again if she stays.

gonnabe2016 posted 6/12/2014 09:27 AM

Imo, the best way for you to help her is to help yourself. The *worst* thing to do is try to slot her into a therapy-type slot (which is what it seems you're trying to do).
I'm not sure what type of *help* you expect from her. From the few exchanges you've posted about, it seems that if she offers an observation of her own or gives you an opinion on something that you've brought up --- you tell her she's wrong and argue/debate the topic with her.

I second TIKYA's recommendation: try recoverynation.com.

1Faith posted 6/12/2014 09:51 AM

IC may be an option I just have to find out if my insurance will cover it or not.

(((gently)))

You seem to have a reason or an excuse for every suggestion here or why NOT to seek or get help beyond your GF.

Yes, it may take some time and investment ($$$) to right this wrong. There is no easy way out.

Honesty is a good start but it also hurts like hell. Be prepared for that and own it.

And the truth took what little she had for me and tossed it away.

You telling the truth isn't what hurts or what damaged the relationship. You did by cheating. Owning that is the first step.

It is all the lies and your behavior that hurts and makes your GF question everything.

ACCOUNTABILITY. NOT EXCUSES.

You are acting like you are the victim here and you are not.

SOLUTIONS. ACTIONS.

You have to want to do this more than you are conveying. As hard as it may be.

Good luck


[This message edited by 1Faith at 9:53 AM, June 12th (Thursday)]

nogoodap1 posted 6/12/2014 12:36 PM

It's not that I'm finding a reason or excuse. It's making sure I do the right thing. I currently am on hold with my insurance to figure out what I'm covered for.... I may try again later since I've been on hold for 20 min.... I just can't spend a lot of money so I'm hoping all this money from my check every week will pay off.

And as far as me owning my shit. I'm not. It took the threat of a poly to get me to admit everything. I don't want her to know the bad things I do. So I lie and cover it up and deny anything that is right on if she asks the questions. And I need to own up!

I know I'm acting like the victim. I'm just want help with me. Because if I don't fix the source of our relationships problem(me) then how can it be fixed. But I'm finding I'm not doing what's right for her, it's about me. And lying to cover up what I did is about me.

[This message edited by nogoodap1 at 1:51 PM, June 12th (Thursday)]

1Faith posted 6/12/2014 17:36 PM

I just can't spend a lot of money

How much money did you spend on your double life? On the affairs? On the OW?

Think about what message this sends to your GF. That she isn't worth it.

I don't want her to know the bad things I do

Then don't do them. What is more important to you? The thrill of the affairs or saving your relationship with your GF? Your choice. Can't have both.

It's making sure I do the right thing.

There is no play book here. You just need to do something positive. A step forward. All you are doing is treading water.

Even if you fully commit to R, you will not be perfect. Neither of you will. You will make mistakes and you will have to be prepared to accept this and continue to work to move forward. It's up to you. Stay stuck or move forward. Most likely your GF won't wait around forever.

I'm finding I'm not doing what's right for her

Sadly, you are not.

Only you can change that.

You can do this if you want. You can.


Actionsoverwords posted 6/12/2014 18:59 PM

It's not that I'm finding a reason or excuse. It's making sure I do the right thing. I currently am on hold with my insurance to figure out what I'm covered for.... I may try again later since I've been on hold for 20 min.... I just can't spend a lot of money so I'm hoping all this money from my check every week will pay off.
And as far as me owning my shit. I'm not. It took the threat of a poly to get me to admit everything. I don't want her to know the bad things I do. So I lie and cover it up and deny anything that is right on if she asks the questions. And I need to own up!

I know I'm acting like the victim. I'm just want help with me. Because if I don't fix the source of our relationships problem(me) then how can it be fixed. But I'm finding I'm not doing what's right for her, it's about me. And lying to cover up what I did is about me.

1Faith is speaking the truth and she sounds like she knows exactly what she is speaking about.

I commented on your other thread and I won't rehash the same things. I see a lot of myself in you and I am hoping that by relaying some of my own experiences, you can see what it looks like from the outside looking in.

I am a SA who has not been honest, who has continually acted out even after telling my BW that I wasn't. I have continued lying, I have done things that I said I wouldn't sexually. I have an incurable STD. I am not living with my BW, who I profess to love, or my DS, which KILLS me. Is there a chance of a reconciliation? I don't know and a lot of days I doubt it.

nogoodap1 posted 6/12/2014 20:22 PM

1faith,
My affair was a ONS. And the shitty thing was I didn't even buy my gf a drink before her. (It was within the first couple of weeks of our relationship that I cheated on her) : ( and I was struggling with money so my BGF was buying me drinks when we would go out. But my BGF is worth every penny I have and I would gladly spend the money but, Due to recent events money will be tight. right now I'd rather us not loose our place to live for my needs so I'm looking at all options.

And you are right I need to just get a backbone and do right by her and think before I do everything. While everything is easy to say its another thing to do it. I'm willing to do it. Just like you were saying we won't be prefect. I don't really have room for error. You either do the right thing or you don't.

Actionsoverwords,
I see the insight you are trying to show me. And I appreciate it so much. I do see some key similarities. Like I always had a back up plan. and sexualizing everything. It sucks because we know what we can lose yet we some how do it anyways.

1Faith posted 6/12/2014 20:58 PM

I don't really have room for error.

Yes and no.

We are all human. We all make mistakes. We all do things that we need to ask forgiveness for. All of us.

You can't read minds, you can't know what your GF is feeling or thinking. That takes two way communication. Sometimes signals will be "off" and there will be misunderstandings, especially during R and trying to heal (on both sides). Time, love and commitment can get you through these tough times (and there will be tough times)

That being said, you don't have room to continue to consciously lie, deceive and cheat. That is a deal breaker.

Your statement is almost a declaration of "I can't get this right so why even try..."

Yes, of course it is easier said than done. As with anything. YOU have to decide if you are able and willing to put your GF before yourself and your "needs" in order to salvage the relationship.

If you are not able or willing (no excuses) then do her a favor and let her go. She deserves someone that will lover her more than their self.

You are justifying and projecting. Please look that up in the Healing Library.

I wish you well.

[This message edited by 1Faith at 8:59 PM, June 12th (Thursday)]

nogoodap1 posted 6/12/2014 22:34 PM

I do have a doubt in me that believes I'm not strong enough to do this. We are gonna talk some more when she gets back from spending time with friends. And I'm going to open and try to think of anything I haven't told her and I'm scared to open up. But she needs it so I want her happy. I just keep second guessing every thought I have.

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