SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

My WH just left after visiting our son here at the house. He has been staying with his mom since October. He just texted me and asked why he can't move back. (Mind you, he just left) in the meantime I have caught him at OW work and still lies about her and him. Says he hasn't spoke to her since I caught them (in July).. Everyone is fine here. There's no stress and we are happy without him here. He causes so many issues and upsets everyone when he's here. I know he's going to start some sort of chaos about this. Only because he's getting some advice from someone.

He can enjoy all the chaos he wants. You chose not to participate. Just let him twist wildly in the wind while you stay calm and centered and go about your life.

Stay strong!

A text? Really?
You send a text to ask what brand of milk to buy.
You do NOT send a text to ask an important question like "Can I come home?".
That was a coward's move. He's feeling you out and keeping you in knots at the same time.

If he gets serious, he can come to you with hat in hand, snot bubble crying and you MIGHT consider taking him back. Maybe.
Until then, keep on living a chaos-free life.

((((Ann56))))

My XWH said he was "thinking" about coming home. I told him "Go get some counseling, because I want it all!!!! I want a great marriage, great family. I will not tolerate a fake marriage". Guess what? He didn't go! So, maybe you could tell him the same thing. And really, if he goes and gets help, you go to MC, etc, it doesn't mean you HAVE to take him back. Lots of "normal" divorces end with the help of a marriage counselor helping the family process and work thru the divorce.

I think any type of help he gets MIGHT help your kids deal with him the rest of their lives. Just my opinion.

Yeah, when my Wxh started talking like that, I told him I had 2 conditions:

Stop smoking
Apologize to my parents for his actions

Uh, 4 years later and my parents are still waiting for their apology and he's still smoking 2+ packs per day.

The day after my X left to go live with OW, a friend for church met me for lunch to help support me. The first thing I told her when I saw her was, "I've decided that when he calls wanting to come home, I will tell him that he can't come home for a year; that I'm willing to work on things, but we have to go to counseling, he can't come home for at least a year, and that, obviously, he has to quit seeing her. And that after a year I will decide."

She was kind of surprised I had come up with all that already, and she said, "WHEN he calls, not if, huh?" I told her that I knew he would call, it was just a matter of how long it would take. And that I knew I needed a plan before he did, because I didn't want to be one of those women that just keeps putting up with stuff like this, letting him come back over and over again.

He left on a Wednesday night (while I was at band practice at church - he just left a note). I met with the friend for lunch on Thursday. He called Friday afternoon, crying, begging to come home.

I stuck to my plan. It was the best choice I could have made. I didn't want to D without having done everything I could to save the M. But I also didn't want to let him walk all over me either.

He did everything he could to try and change my mind... came up with all sorts of crazy ideas, including one where we would wall off the 2nd bedroom and bathroom, and he would use the window in the bedroom to come and go (we owned a ground floor condo). I stuck to my guns.

We worked on R for ~ 2 months, until I confirmed that he was actually living with her again and lying about it. He was away from her less than a week.

The point here is - I gave him a plan that would at least begin to give me some assurance that he was serious about our M and serious about being faithful again. He couldn't even give me a week, much less a year.... which showed pretty clearly to me that he would never be in it for the long haul.

You're happy with how things are now. Do you want him back? If not, then just tell him that the ship has sailed.

If you want to give him a chance again - make a plan. Have very well-stated and clear cut boundaries. Let him know what it will take to even have a chance, and stick to it.

In the end, you have to do what's best for you at this point. He's already shown that he isn't going to worry about you.

Like Oxsgirl I gave my husband a plan of action. He was already NC with her at this stage. I told him that as well as NC that he would have to do IC for at least 6 months before I would even consider it. Then we would have to do MC.

He calls it his road to Damascus moment, To be fair he threw himself into it whole-scale. He was sending me scans of his IC receipts for 2 months before I even agreed to meet him. He led a hermit existence only seeing the kids. We say each other occasionally. After six months we started going to MC and spent hours and hours discussing what had happened. After ten months he moved back in again.

He is home now three and a half years and hasn't put a foot wrong since. He is loving and so appreciative of the chance he has been given.

My advice is if they really want it they will move heaven and earth to change.

While I'm glad I did this, I still have real difficulties with the fact that I reconciled with a known cheater who left his children.

Think carefully before making any moves and always, always watch his actions.

Good luck. This is one of the hardest things you will ever do (())

I'm wondering how you are,,,,