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Betrayeduk posted 6/12/2014 07:42 AM

I came back home.

My WH denies the texts were as I had found before. It was all about SS as he has been withdrawn with his mother during telephone conversations. I can't prove they weren't.

He has agreed to MC and I have told him SS will have counselling too. I have contacted relate and am waiting for a phone call. I have told him I want us to work but we can't do that without help. I don't believe he accepts any responsibility and I'm hoping MC will help him see that my 50% blame for our problems may have been caused by his actions. I live in hope. If I am made to feel the bad one beyond this then that will be my line in the sand.

On a side note - after "sext gate" number 3 in January I banned XW/OW/SS mother from our house and made an effort to avoid all contact. She still drops SS off on doorstep and WH communicates. I will no longer be hiding. She wants a handover then I will be the one doing it.

Williesmom posted 6/12/2014 07:52 AM

Good for you. Set your boundaries and stick to them.

lieshurt posted 6/12/2014 07:53 AM

He lies, lies, lies and you keep allowing him to. You stated yourself your weak spot is your SS, so he uses SS as his excuse for being in contact with his OW. All of this after he said he hadn't been in contact with her at all.

At this point, it doesn't matter if you go to MC because he's not doing it because he wants help. He's just doing whatever he needs to in order to appease you.

He has shown you his true self repeatedly. Why won't you see him for who he is?

Betrayeduk posted 6/12/2014 08:16 AM

Lieshurt - I very much appreciate your honesty and I'm fairly sure my best friend is at home thinking the same.

I know he is only doing MC to appease me and I know when we talk he will use SS to make me feel bad about last night.

But I want to show my beautiful SS that I am willing to fight for my marriage and that there is one adult in his life trying their very best to make sure he is shown morals and standards. If it doesn't work I will be able to hand on heart say that I did my best.

After my outbursts last night I imagine he is totally mushed up. I am here to ensure he gets an outlet for it all this time. His relationship with his mother is rocky at best and I can't imagine I will have helped.

Thank you.

Betrayeduk posted 6/13/2014 02:32 AM

Lies hurt - you were right. In a bigger way than I thought possible.

He doesn't want SS to go counselling. Doesn't want to go counselling but will because I'm blackmailing him. He hasn't done anything wrong. He is 41 years old and does not need to report to me who he talks to.SS knew about the contact.me walking out has really damaged SS.

It seems me walking out to protect me has strengthened father and son. They're laughing and joking and I'm dying inside.

Ostrich80 posted 6/13/2014 04:03 AM

I have no advice BD as I see your in quite a pickle. He says your blackmailing him to go to mc and I think he's blackmailing you by using ss. Oh how I despise a parent who use their kids to hurt someone who loves them, thus hurting the child in the long run. I hope some solution and clarity come to you and there's a peaceful way to fix this. Seems he dangles this boy over your head knowing you love him. So unfair.

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 4:04 AM, June 13th (Friday)]

OakStreet posted 6/13/2014 04:43 AM

((Betrayeduk))

MC is a waste of time & money if both people are not invested in it (as I certainly found out). But IC for both of you - or just you - can be helpful.

Have you done the reading in Healing Library?
Perhaps working on The 180 will help you.

If your WH is saying he wants to R, and not participate in 'bad behaviors' anymore, he needs to do some work. Although there is prolly no such thing as an ideal marriage, what does he think one looks like? This?

Sending you strength and hope.

Betrayeduk posted 6/14/2014 04:25 AM

SS is at his mothers this weekend. So WH and I were alone last night. It was ok. I am trying the 180 so am not starting conversations as I usually do. He eventually brought the other night up. And it's all about the state SS was in.

I am maybe starting to believe the contact was about SS but it doesn't make sense at same time. All I know is that there has been previous sexual contact and I don't believe it was all her. Even though I know she wants to hurt me.

He still does not want to go to MC as he maintains he hasn't done anything. The problem in our marriage is one woman. He wants to make us work though so will do what I want.

At least he's not talking to me like crap anymore.

tfkeel posted 6/15/2014 08:10 AM

I want to show my beautiful SS that I am willing to fight for my marriage and that there is one adult in his life trying their very best to make sure he is shown morals and standards. If it doesn't work I will be able to hand on heart say that I did my best.

I had this on my mind, too.

My elder son grew up and married a skank who not only cheated on him, she faked pregnancies, committed a felony, and left him in the hospital with 12 stitches in his face.

He is, to this day, after 16 years, still with her.

I have wished a million times that I packed my bags, walked the hell out, and never came back.