"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

softballer posted 6/12/2014 10:19 AM

I just found out that my wife of almost 19 years cheated on me when we were dating. We were committed to each other at the time and we were dating for approximately 7 months. I was away for a week right after our high school graduation and she was with a girlfriend at a party and they hooked up with two older guys, the one my wife was with was married. I asked her several times if there was anything else when we were dating or married and this was the time to come clean and she kept telling me nothing since we were married! but we were together for 8 years before marriage living together. I have kind of suspected that something could be taking place over the last 5 years as a lot of changes took place in our relationship. Most recently she has requested a sex toy about a little over a month ago and I was on board with trying it. Nothing was said since and she asked if I picked one up and I said no. Her sex drive has been thru the roof lately, she doesn't understand why but she is in the mood all the time we have had sex about 9 times in the last week with one session lasting 4 hours and during one session she had 8 orgasms. during one of these sessions she started talking about the toy and then proceeded to tell me she picked one up. She also said she had it for several weeks and had used it about a dozen times already. I caught her using it that next morning before work by herself after we had sex the night before. I felt like she was cheating on me. I have since spent hours on the internet doing searches for why the sudden increase in sex drive and ran across the cheating signs. Here is a list of some of the changes we have gone thru over the last 5 years. She started shaving her genital area, we started sleeping a part because she said she couldn't stand my snoring ( for almost three years), frequent fights, distancing herself from my family, had sex only about 13 times in one of those entire years(normal for us was about 2-4 times a week). She would always tell me she was to tired from work (She is a gym teacher 1st. thru 8th. grade). I saw a dating website on her phone. Within the last month and a half we have started sleeping together and she says everything is fine now.
She is normally real shy so for her to buy the toy astonished me, she has asked if I ever would be interested in sleeping with another girl and told me she would consider another guy only if I was fine with it. This from the jealous women who used to get mad at me for even glancing at another women.

I am sorry this is so long. I just don't know what to do? I am extremely hurt right now and can't hardly keep from crying. I would never do anything to hurt her or have an affair even though the opportunities presented themselves. Call me old fashioned. Please help.

allatsea posted 6/12/2014 10:30 AM

Hello SB,

I am so sorry you have the need to be here but glad you are here.

I think you already know the answer to your question.

One or two of her changes in isolation is not necessarily suspicious. Add them all up and you have reason to be very concerned.

Put it this way, can you think of any justifiable reason why someone would download a dating app?

I know you will want to believe her answers, no matter how ridiculous they are. It's natural. We've all done it.

But I think you have every reason to verify your suspicions. I wouldn't necessarily tell her about your concerns until you have indisputable evidence otherwise she will delete all texts, emails and cover her tracks.

We will be here for you if or when you discover the truth behind her personality shift. I hope you're strong. This isn't for the feint of heart

wanttogoforward posted 6/12/2014 10:31 AM

She very well could be cheating.... however, she could be having other issues as well and if you confront will likely deny and go underground and hide any evidence.

Start investigating... phone records for the past how many years, computer passwords and emails, her phone, etc. Look in places she would likely hide things from you. Check her car over completely.... and watch carefully.

I would not confront yet.... take some time to figure out what is going on and keep a close eye on everything- her schedule, her appointments, her unexpected 'trips', etc.

As hard as it is wait for now....

softballer posted 6/12/2014 11:01 AM

Thank you both for replying!

I can't feel like I don't trust her. looking for proof does just that.

From what I have been reading on the internet if she is she will just deny it and lie about it. It looks like a lie detector test would be the only way to know for sure.

I am going to confront her tonight when she gets home from work.

I am what I would consider an alpha male. I am emotional but hardly ever show it. But just knowing she did it when we were dating, and the thought she has done it while we are married is tearing me apart right now. I don't think I have cried this much in the last ten years.

We have four children the youngest is 13. I would do anything in the world for her and my kids.

I am not very religious but I pray to God she hasn't done anything more the what she has already told me.

craig2001 posted 6/12/2014 11:03 AM

There could be many reasons for the sudden increase in her attitudes and sex drive. But yes, a sudden change in attitude can reflect an affair.

Some of the main changes when someone starts to have an affair include sudden changes in likes and dislikes and opinions. One of the most commented changes in likes and dislikes is in music, for example suddenly liking CW if all their life they listened to RR.

I saw a dating website on her phone

That is your main concern right there. Obviously there should be no reason for her to have a dating website on her phone or computer.

Have you asked her about this yet?

Did you actually ask her if she bought the sex toy herself?

If not, you do need to start snooping everywhere.

Does your wife come home on time every night, or does she sometimes come home late with goofy reasons.

What about weekends?

Check her texts, phone calls, look everywhere for phone numbers and other hidden items. Maybe condoms or gifts you dont recognize.

You need to start looking everywhere now.

When and if you find something. Make sure you have enough evidence before confronting her so she doesn't find a way to lie out of it.

MindMonkey posted 6/12/2014 11:13 AM

She is normally real shy so for her to buy the toy astonished me, she has asked if I ever would be interested in sleeping with another girl and told me she would consider another guy only if I was fine with it. This from the jealous women who used to get mad at me for even glancing at another women.

This could describe my WW during her affair. Turns out she already had another dude in mind.

Her sex drive shot up (before the affair) and she became interested in toys but I think that was more related to her aging. They say women peak sexually much later than men. That, I'm ok with.

However, she started asking if I thought different women were sexy. I thought it was a trap but it turns out she wanted me to agree so it would minimize her interest in other men.

I'd say you have some weirdness going on but it could be legit.

On the dating app issue, I'll admit to something. I downloaded match.com and made a profile before I knew of her A. The thing is honestly i wasn't looking for a match. See, WW (while in the A) told me she wanted a seperation and I'm a great catch. I'll find someone quick. I called BS since I'm 35 with two kids and a vasectomy. I made the profile as a divorced 35 year old with two kids just to get a feel for what was ahead. Well, it was ugly. And it helped me lean toward R when the shit finally hit the fan. I did NOT want to get into dating again!

Long way of saying...maybe she wants to see what's out there in case your M fails. Now that she says everything is fine, it may mean she saw what was out there and the grass ain't any greener.

I'm not trying to blow smoke up your rear, just something to consider.

But, I'd start snooping.

SeanFLA posted 6/12/2014 11:16 AM

I saw a dating website on her phone

^^^^ Ummm...yeah that I might ask about and sooner than later. I can tell you that less than a year before I found out my exWW started acting out a bit. Most of it started when she befriended this other married woman from her tennis team. Began hanging out with her non-stop it seemed. These were professional type people and lived in a very upscale neighborhood with two small girls. The New Years before Dday we went to their party. We left about 3am. On the way home my exWW was a bit drunk and said.."Oh yea Christy wants me to try smoking pot with her."

Now my exWW was a straight-laced successful business woman/mother. All her life she was against any type of recreational drugs. She never even tried it in college. Obviously something was changing in her. They talk about men having a "mid-life crisis" but I believe women can have them just as easily. Combine that with the affair I found out about she wasn't the girl I married anymore. She wanted her freedom somehow and didn't know how to express that to me. Keep in mind she traveled for work and I never said that she could not do something. Maybe I gave her a bit too much freedom. But you can't cage a bird and keep it happy. Anyhow yeah there's something going on with your wife and it could be rearing it's ugly head again. Until you sit her down and have that hear to heart talk of a lifetime with her, you might be seeing more. Good luck.

softballer posted 6/12/2014 11:30 AM

She told me she bought it at a Walgreen's by her work early one morning and went thru the self checkout. I looked into it and Walgreens doesn't sell that type or have a self checkout. I brought it up again during one of our sessions and said we should maybe look at other toys and asked her what store she got it at again and she said oh it wasn't at Walgreens it was at a Walmart by my work.

I Checked her Phone and email this morning nothing but one site (ourtime.com)on the phone. Nothing old on email everything appears to be cleaned up which is real weird.

If it is happening I think it is with a coworker. She has talked about a few workers in the past just in general. But one is a DJ and about two months ago she brought home three huge albums of cd's he let her use for our kids Karaoke machine, we still have them. She just mentioned she needs to meet up with him this next week before school is out to give them back.

I know she has time to go out for lunch and knowing travel times at most she could hide maybe an hour here and there.

craig2001 posted 6/12/2014 11:42 AM

I imagine you already called that particular Walmart to see if they carried that exact model.

It might or might not be that DJ guy.

Another common sign with a WW is they might start talking about a coworker and then all of sudden they just stop talking about a certain coworker. It almost always turns out to be the one they stopped talking about.

But all of these clues can change with each person.

As for changing the name of the store where she bought it, I always say Walmart for Walgreens since I hardly ever go to Walgreens.

Would it be possible for you to just pop in your wife's work at lunchtime and take her out.

Is she working now that school is out in most places?

softballer posted 6/12/2014 12:01 PM

Craig-

Yes two different Wal-Mart's carry them within 6 miles of her work.

She still has one more day with kids and two days next week with staff.

I have never stopped in to take her for lunch as our schedules wouldn't allow.

I am going to ask her to be honest with me and based on what she says ask her if she would be willing to take a lie detector test. Just to put me at ease since she has given me reason not to trust whether she is being honest or not.

craig2001 posted 6/12/2014 12:06 PM

I am going to ask her to be honest with me and based on what she says ask her if she would be willing to take a lie detector test.

After 19 years of marriage and never having an affair, how she reacts might tell you a lot.

If she acts overly defensive like how dare you think such a thing, and carries on and on, that might show she is hiding something.

Being a human lie detector is not very easy unless you are used to being lied to.

I guess you have read enough on here to realize if she does tell you anything it could range from lies, to downplaying and minimizing the truth to a full confession.

She might say things that are hurtful to you at first which will most certainly be a reaction to her embarrassment and defensive posture.

tushnurse posted 6/12/2014 12:17 PM

Veteran speaking here.

First Welcome. I hate that these circumstances have brought you here, however you are a bit ahead of the game, because you have an opportunity to catch this early. Your relationship sounds like it was primed for an A. Loss of intimacy, stress of life etc.

The first thing I would encourage you to do IS NOT CONFRONT until you have proof. Cheaters are liars, and even though your wife is your wife, and she is special and unique, if she is cheating she will follow the same BS that all cheaters do.
Example - I knew in my gut my H was up to no good, figured he was either doing drugs or having an A. The drugs I suspected because his personality changes were so extreme. The A I suspected because he used any and every excuse in the world to be out of town, and not spend time with his family. Plus weight loss, changes to hair, new clothes, etc. However I approached him multiple times when he seemed aloof, sad, or stressed, and tried to get him to talk, and he was going to his grave with his secrets. It took me 6 months to get the proof I needed. If I had kept my mouth shut about an A, I really think I would have caught a slip up sooner.

I would suggest you do a few things first for yourself.
1. See a lawyer, find out what your rights are, and what her obligations are, should she completely loose her shit, and decide to D, or leave. I know more than one woman who abandoned it all, including her kids.
2. Get a Keylogger on any electronic device you can, phone, computer, tablet etc.
3. Put a VAR (voice activated recorder) in her car.
4. Put a GPS on her car.
5. Keep your mouth shut for 48 hours after you do all this, I am willing to bet you will have your proof in that amount of time.

Decide for yourself if you want to work things out if you find out if she has cheated. Decide what you would need her to do, and what would be deal breakers, and have that stuff ready for when you confront.

If you confront prior to having the proof you need, you will be given a run around, question your sanity, and she will be tipped off that you suspect, and become much more careful.

Offer to detail her car this weekend, and pop the VAR and the GPS in it, while looking for a burner phone, she erased her emails already, which tells me she has a heads up, and may already be covering her tracks a bit better. Burner phones are very common for cheaters.

Listen this shit is hard, and scary, and it sucks. It's unfair, and maddeneing, but know this. No Matter What she says, you did not cause this, you are not to blame for it, and you do not deserve it. So when you do confront, demand the respect, honesty, transparency, and honor that we all deserve.

Keep reading, Keep posting.

(((and strength))))

Ohmyword posted 6/12/2014 12:18 PM

Softballer,

Let me begin by stating I have been married 20 years. We have two beautiful daughters. My wife, simply put, likes sex. I'm not sexually desirous as she. A couple of time a week is ok with me. She likes more and added affection during the day. We have the kinky outfits and a few select toys she wanted to try. I kind of feel strange about the toy thing but in the end she felt how I perform for her needs outweighs what any battery operated toy could do. Anyway, for years she talked and talked with me about more physical activity and I did not change myself very much. She finally decided to accept that I did not find her attractive anymore. Hardly the case. My sex drive is in low gear. She is high gear. She had every right to state she was not happy and ask for a D. Even go for an affair after our talks about sex. However, she never did. She is very loyal as well as I. Not until one day did I have a light bulb go off in my head that this woman is the best thing that could happen to me. I also found out after an argument that she would manually stimulate herself because of the lack of my physical activity with here. Again, every right to ask for a D and find another. After hitting myself in the head with a hammer for being so stupid I did a turn around. 100%! Realizing what could have happened for my lack of attentiveness and what DID not happen my love grew as deep as the oceans for her. I initiate sexual activity now almost to a fault. I bring her, 'just because' flowers. I send love texts all day. I do whatever she asks because she had enough respect for me and our marriage not to go for the D or affair. Or both! For us, it was a new beginning to our own emotional and physical affair. To me....very exciting, new and fresh.

I believe sir you should take the toy buying as a good sign as these toys do not live, breath and take away the life you know. It is up to you now to inquire with your wife if you have been lacking in the affection field. If so, become the sexual dynamo she would like to see. Man...$25.00 of unexpected flowers goes a long darn way. Simple text of I love you during the day pays big. Sext your wife. I sext mine. Again, our own love affair where no one gets hurt. For us, sexting and dirty talk is our affair.

This week we are on a marathon. None stop physical activity for 7 days. JUST BECAUSE WE CAN AND HAVE THE NEW FEELING OF OUR LOVE BUDDING AGAIN. This time more deeply.

PS. You take care of you wife's business as regularly as she wants and the toys disappear. I know from experience. Do not be afraid to add some uninhibited kinky in the physical part. Let me tell you, after 20 years of just do what I thought was right, found it wrong, found the right way has opened a new world for me, us and our future.

Also, 19 years ago your wife cheated while dating your. Some would say she was playing the field. Girls do play the field. So do guys. Sure, committed after 7 months. Yes and no, maybe. At the end of the day she married you and has chosen a path with you. If that does not put wind in your sails I don't know what to tell you. Do yourself a favor be her new toy. Life will be much better for you...both.

[This message edited by Ohmyword at 12:56 PM, June 12th (Thursday)]

Ohmyword posted 6/12/2014 12:32 PM

She is normally real shy so for her to buy the toy astonished me, she has asked if I ever would be interested in sleeping with another girl and told me she would consider another guy only if I was fine with it. This from the jealous women who used to get mad at me for even glancing at another women.

Don't blow this out of proportion. My wife and I have had similar discussions. Exploratory. Under no circumstances would you be 'ok' with her and another guy. Or you and another lady for that matter. Put that to bed right off the bat. Then simply ask what can YOU do to change that would excite her. The toys and talk would make me believe she is exploring her sexuality. Help her with just that! Tell her that you are there and the toy is not needed. Or you and the toy same time. Game playing! Just let you know when she has the urge and you will be there in a flash.

I am sorry this is so long. I just don't know what to do? I am extremely hurt right now and can't hardly keep from crying. I would never do anything to hurt her or have an affair even though the opportunities presented themselves. Call me old fashioned. Please help.

I am old fashion but I ain't afraid of something new, kinky and down right nasty with my wife.

[This message edited by Ohmyword at 12:42 PM, June 12th (Thursday)]

craig2001 posted 6/12/2014 12:36 PM

she has asked if I ever would be interested in sleeping with another girl and told me she would consider another guy only if I was fine with it.

I forgot to comment on that. Or Maybe I was thinking she was talking a threesome.

But that is a big red flag right there. She is basically telling you that she is fine with having sex with some other guy.

Sometimes the WW will slowly try to tell the truth about something they have already done.

It would bother me that she said this in itself that she has no problem with an open marriage, but it also bothers me because it could mean she already did it and was testing your response...after the fact.

Bigger posted 6/12/2014 12:51 PM

Gently…
As a rule I hate assumptions.

My first post on an infidelity site was back in 2005 because my wife was showing some strange behavior. Everyone and everyone told me again and again that she was cheating. I got sent lists of actions that indicate your spouse was cheating, including changed grooming, new perfumes and so on.
I did immense investigation and whenever I posted something that indicated she wasn’t cheating I got a barrage telling me the fact I didn’t find anything simply indicated she was hiding it.
It’s a lose-lose situation…

So based on what you post…

No. Not enough to enable me to tell you she’s cheating.

Yes. Enough to warrant some further reasonable investigations.
Yes. Enough to warrant some serious talks.

Look – The Admins ask that we don’t post specific investigative tips in the open but one thing all affairs need is communications. And IF there is an affair and IF the OM is at her place of work (and btw – educators are a profession with statistically higher infidelity rates than others…) then they will communicate. It won’t be at work because they try to keep it hidden there. They will communicate where they feel safe and private. Like at home over the phone when alone. Or in the car during the commute. I won’t have to spell it out that a VAR at these places can tell you a lot.

The serious talk… Well… when she offered a threesome you should make it very clear that you chose and expect monogamy.

Just remember – After a reasonable time and after reasonable research then if you don’t find anything it might simply be because there is nothing to find.

Ohmyword posted 6/12/2014 12:52 PM

This:

I'd say you have some weirdness going on but it could be legit.

I think you have gotten a blessing here. A wake up call. I do not think the toy deal is a precursor for an affair. I think it is possibly fulfilling something she is missing. My guess it would be YOU.

My wife did the same but only desired my attention and stayed the course with me. Only until lately after I realized my stupidity did things turn around and for the better. Hit yourself in the head. Take this opportunity to reconnect sexually with your wife. Her message seems loud and clear to me.

molly5 posted 6/12/2014 12:57 PM

Asking for honesty doesn't mean you will get it!
I agree with Tushnurse!!
You are going to give her a heads up, to cover all her tracks!

Ohmyword posted 6/12/2014 13:07 PM

I am going to ask her to be honest with me and based on what she says ask her if she would be willing to take a lie detector test.

Not a good idea IMO. Honestly, try changing how you handle the physical part in your marriage. She how she reacts. Start today!

craig2001 posted 6/12/2014 13:12 PM

Honestly, try changing how you handle the physical part in your marriage

I agree with what you say, but that will not change the facts, that she might have had an affair or is thinking about it with a coworker.