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Don't like who I've become

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mozzchops posted 6/12/2014 10:26 AM


I don't like the person I've become due to my WW.

I don't see the world like I used to, from seeing the best in people to seeing the worst in people.

From being safe, secure, happy-go-lucky to now being a pessamist.

What don't you like about yourself due to this?

Twotimesucker posted 6/12/2014 10:33 AM

You know what I hate? The anger. My anger issues were a problem in my M. My last outburst over a year ago, led me into sadness, grief, true introspection, and finally change. I spent the last year searching my soul and my past to be a better person for myself and my marriage.

Here's the kicker, that outburst was what my WW used as an excuse to start sharing her marital problems with a male coworker (who masqueraded as my friend) which led to a year long PA. The whole freaking time she was screwing around, I was doing my damnedest to show her I am capable of, and have changed. She was too busy sneaking him into my house and screwing him while I was at work to notice.

The anger is back. Murphy's law I guess.

devasted30 posted 6/12/2014 11:58 AM

The anger. Or the horrible things I say to my WS. I deliberately lash out and say awful things trying so badly to hurt him. And I'm never satisfied. I haven't begun to hurt him enough. I can't think of enough horrible words to call him. I can't believe how cruel I have become. I disgust myself.

mozzchops posted 6/12/2014 12:00 PM

The anger. Or the horrible things I say to my WS. I deliberately lash out and say awful things trying so badly to hurt him. And I'm never satisfied. I haven't begun to hurt him enough. I can't think of enough horrible words to call him. I can't believe how cruel I have become. I disgust myself.

Horrible isn't it?
This person who should have your back has hurt you so bad you want to hurt them back.

I also have some terrible downs where I just attack her about what she's chosen for our family.

[This message edited by mozzchops at 12:00 PM, June 12th (Thursday)]

Williesmom posted 6/12/2014 12:01 PM

I don't like the walls that I've built to keep people out.

I gave everything I had to him and our marriage, and he ran it all through the shredder. It's hard for me to let people in emotionally.

MindMonkey posted 6/12/2014 12:09 PM

Here's the kicker, that outburst was what my WW used as an excuse to start sharing her marital problems with a male coworker

Yep. BTDT.

I'm going away for two months and she doesn't want to have sex. Maybe it's just me but I figure that's a reason to have a discussion, which turns into an argument. An argument that just happens to be "the straw that broke the camels back". All the sudden she just had enough.

WTF, we've had plenty of arguments more intense than this. This one was mild, and IMHO warranted. Who sends their SO away for two months without some lovin. And (I thought) we were on good terms at the time.

You know who does that? Someone who already had a crush (I call it a one-way EA) on their co-worker.

Straw that broke the camels back, my ass. I just gave you the most flimsy reason to detach and fuck another dude.

karmahappens posted 6/12/2014 12:18 PM

It will go full cycle if you take the time to heal.

I was so many people after d day. ...I guess I was Sybil - like.

I spent a lot of time in IC and have come out much better than I could have expected.

It isn't permanent. .....

(((Hugs)))

veronique12 posted 6/12/2014 12:38 PM

We talked about this yesterday in my group therapy session for betrayed wives. How much we resent that the A has changed us into obsessive, clingy, and mistrustful people.

We talked about how it's ok for us to mourn for the person we used to be. In fact, we should mourn. But we also need to face the fact that discovery of an infidelity is one of those events that forever changes your perspective. Recognizing that is the first step to accepting it. We can mourn the loss, but the fact is that we are different because of the A. However, we can also heal and even learn to trust others, including our spouses if they earn it over time, again, but we will never be exactly the same as we were before. I know I will never trust anyone blindly like I did before. I will always harbor suspicion of people somewhere in my mind, but I would like to try to get to a place where that doesn't keep me from having meaningful relationships with others.

During the discussion,our C told us a metaphorical story that maybe some of you have heard it before. I found it really helpful so I'll share. Apologies re my storytelling abilities. Not the prettiest, but hopefully you'll get the picture.

A child is losing his temper a lot. His parent tells him that every time he loses his temper he should hammer a nail into a fence in the back yard. At first he hammers a nail every day. Over time the fence is covered in nails, but it starts to slow down as the child gains control over his temper. Now the parent instructs the child that for every day he doesn't lose his temper he should remove a nail. Eventually every nail is removed. The parent looks at the fence with the child and says that he is very happy that the child has learned self-control, but that the child should notice that even though the fence doesn't have any nails in it, the holes from the nails remain. The fence is still strong enough to stand, to do its job, but it is irreparably changed/scarred from the process of the child's emotional growth.

I really liked this story in relation to dealing with and growing from the trauma of an A. We are all different after a trauma, yes we have some scars, but it doesn't mean that we can't be strong and happy too.

iwillNOT posted 6/14/2014 21:47 PM

It's true that I have become cynical and am ready to believe the worst about people. I think most folks are capable of just about anything. But what I really, really hate is that I have become so much more impatient and angry in general, especially with my kids. I have never been a yeller but I sure can be now. I know this has hurt my kids, and my relationship with them. After all they have dealt with, I wish I could be the way I used to be with them. More patient, loving, calm. If wishes were horses etc. etc. working on it...

broken313 posted 6/15/2014 09:32 AM

Me too. I dont recognise me anymore. I'm able to fool most on a day to day basis and appear to be my usual chatty self. But to the few that know.... I have a negative, jaded outlook on life. I have a fear of the future. I swear like a sailor in anger or even just normal conversaton. I dont want to watch anything that may be escapist or related to romance, drama or thriller in case an affair is involved in the plotline( loved these things before). My kids sense my sadness. Have become a complete workhorse because at least then my mind cant ruminate on what FWH did to our marriage. FWH says he misses the old me...too late.

Flatlined123 posted 6/15/2014 10:34 AM

All of the above and just plain blah. It's hard to get excited or look forward to anything.

I hate that I'm a shell of the person I used to be.

Hidingmyhurt posted 6/15/2014 10:51 AM

For me, there are two things...I don't like the depression, the feelings that just pop up and make me want to cry. But I cant. I've cried so much. I have more good days and bad, but as we get close to him moving out, I miss what I though I had and what I wanted so much. I'm working on it, I just want to be happy again.
The other thing is fact that I have devastated my son. Well, the A and me choosing not to R has devastated him. He seems ok a great deal of time, but there are moments where it's painfully obvious he's hurting. He starts a summer counseling program soon, so I'm hopeful that he will get even more support.

Daisy312 posted 6/15/2014 11:34 AM

I hate that I no longer have patience for my children. Before Dday I was calm and collected with my dd. now any little bit of stress causes me to snap! I hate the mood swings! It can't be healthy for my kids. They never know which mom they are going to get and it is of no fault of theirs! I miss feeling sane!

Neithan posted 6/15/2014 12:10 PM

I hate the things I don't say to my WW anymore:

"You are my love for all time"

"We have something really special"

"You are my best friend"

"I trust you completely and without reservations"

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