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User Topic: Help! WH is Acting Strange and I'm Confused!
needfriendshere
♀ 43350
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello out there!
If you know my story, then you know that on Valentine's Day, I stumbled upon my H's affair that had been going on for 6 years. Since D-day, he has been remorseful, cut off all ties with his AP, and has been otherwise working hard to help rebuild our marriage.

One of the ways in which he is rebuilding trust is by letting me accompany him on business trips (since this is how his AP and he hooked up). And it has been fine for the most part. Only now, he is starting to get jealous when I am having fun with his co-workers and other business associates. If I talk with a male associate about anything, he tells the guy, "Hey! Are you flirting with my wife?". He says it like he is kidding, but his behavior gives him away.

We just got back from what I thought was the best business trip we have taken so far and, when I asked him if he had a good time, he got all pouty and said "It was o.k...." When he kissed me, his kisses were cold - like a hurt puppy, if you know what I mean. For the record, I DID NOT FLIRT with anyone. So why is he acting all hurt and jealous? I make friends very easily, and after traveling with him for the past 3+ months, yeah, I've made some friends among his colleagues. I thought that would make him happy. Now, he is not taking me on his next business trip. What is up?????? Help!


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 456 | Registered: May 2014
MindMonkey
♂ 41679
Member # 41679
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's a thought.

You were able to make friends of the opposite sex and NOT flirt. It sort of ruins his theory that it "just happens".

He's just jealous of your restraint and embarrassed of himself.

Also, he's projecting.


BH, 35, CoD, Military...sober since 6/17/14
FWW, EA/PA (x2) different OM coworkers
Reconciling since 8/1/13
100% ready to file at next dealbreaker...don't test me.

Posts: 209 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: NoVA
Kajem
♀ 36134
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I confess to not knowing your history other than this post.

Have you asked him why he isn't taking you on the next trip?

Do you think he'll meet up with OW?

If you going on his trips is a condition of R, what are the consequences of him not taking you?

Can you address this in MC?


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5746 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
seethelight
♀ 43513
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 11:06 AM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like mind monkeys hypothesis for why he is upset when other men talk to you.

One of the ways in which he is rebuilding trust is by letting me accompany him on business trips (since this is how his AP and he hooked up). And it has been fine for the most part. Only now, he is starting to get jealous when I am having fun with his co-workers and other business associates. If I talk with a male associate about anything, he tells the guy, "Hey! Are you flirting with my wife?". He says it like he is kidding, but his behavior gives him away.

My husband used to go to a lot of night functions at organizations for work. That is how he hid his affair, lying about a work function at night.

Suddenly instead of two organizational meetings to go to per week, he had three or four to attend.

Now, I also go with him to all those work functions. I get dressed up, too.

So, now, he gets to see that other men come up to me without provocation and want to talk.

He is very threatened by this. He gets jealous, too.

Personally, I think the waywards that act this way realize how easy it was to cheat and since they once had the desire to cheat they are projecting this desire to cheat onto us.

They also know they broke their marriage vows, and now they are likely no longer valid in your mind.

I am the type of person who would rather stay home and drink a cup of tea and read a book rather than go out with the girls.

My husband is far more social. I think the fact that I was always at home made him feel too confident about me.

Now that I am doing things for myself or going out to functions where he can clearly see that men want to interact with me, without me making the first move, he is very threatened.

Also, insist on going on his next business trip, because this sounds suspicious.

A lot of times when a person is cheating, they accuse the spouse of cheating.

My own cheating spouse did this to me during his affair. I though he was joking and just laughed it off.

Now I realize it was a projection,

[This message edited by seethelight at 11:07 AM, June 12th (Thursday)]


“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1516 | Registered: May 2014
ButterflyGirl
♀ 38377
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't really know your story either, but I would venture to say he doesn't like being faced with the fact that YOU are fun to be around and that other men would enjoy talking to you.

He wants his little doormat at home, and God forbid YOU do what HE did. I agree he is projecting..

I thinks it's fine to leave him on the edge a little bit. He FUCKED UP, ROYALLY. And now he has to EARN you back.

He should know you deserve respect and aren't going to stand for anything less.

Honestly? Six years is a long ass time, and he's going to have to break A LOT of habits and tricks he used to use to manipulate you. And YOU need to not fall for them..

In healthy marriages, it's perfectly fine and normal for a husband and wife to communicate with the opposite sex. But your WH needs NEW boundaries for himself, which I think should include no "chatting" with female coworkers. Should you be allowed to do it? Probably, since you have healthy boundaries, but I wouldn't allow him to do the same..

Maybe it won't seem "fair" in his eyes, but he obviously has a lack of boundaries and needs to work on them.

It's jealous and abusive for him to fuck around for as long as he did and then act all "possessive" over you. F that..


xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ asurvivor

Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
ArkLaMiss
♀ 14918
Member # 14918
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can you show up unannounced? I, too, would be suspicious!


Just HOW stupid do you think I am, exactly?

Posts: 1246 | Registered: Jun 2007
karmahappens
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi

:)

Well, if I had to take a guess at his behavior...

Four months ago you found out about an affair lasting 6 years. He had his fun with AP on business trips, doing whatever he wanted.

NOW you come along and spoil his fun and take away his playground.

Yeah, he is rebuilding trust but IMO not doing it well.

In just a few short months one doesn't go from play-boy to perfect husband after a 6 year hiatus.

I think he is sulking because he has to be the responsible married man now rather than the fun party guy.

I would go so far as to question where his head is.

IMO after 4 months the 2 of you should be in IC and determining his issues and repairing your hurt.

If I were you and he suddenly said you were not coming I would let him know you go or he doesn't.

He is being a selfish man-child. NOT a good prospect for R until he addresses his issues.

(((hugs)))


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3872 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
karmahappens
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can you show up unannounced? I, too, would be suspicious!

I did this...blew that shit right out of the water


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3872 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
MindMonkey
♂ 41679
Member # 41679
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In just a few short months one doesn't go from play-boy to perfect husband after a 6 year hiatus.

I think he is sulking because he has to be the responsible married man now rather than the fun party guy.

Yes...this too. Poor guy. Can't be a playa with the wifey around. FTG. Keep going with him.


BH, 35, CoD, Military...sober since 6/17/14
FWW, EA/PA (x2) different OM coworkers
Reconciling since 8/1/13
100% ready to file at next dealbreaker...don't test me.

Posts: 209 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: NoVA
seethelight
♀ 43513
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 11:22 AM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, the fact that he forbid you to go on the next business trip is a huge red flag.

For one, He doesn't get to make that decision, if he wants to reconcile.

Two, it just seems odd, the all of a sudden he wants to go alone on a business trip.

If he won't let you go along. Yes, Yes, Yes, just show up.

I smell a rat, as do the others.


“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1516 | Registered: May 2014
gonnabe2016
♀ 34823
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Monster (my stbx) always wanted me to be a *shadow* person......seen but not heard, kwim? He most certainly did not like if I engaged in any type of conversation other than on the periphery of the circle -- you know, the occasional nod, laugh, uh-huh towards whatever *other* person was talking (and the *main* talker was NOT to be me.....)
One of my friend's had a party a while back, we went and he was most DEFINITELY uncomfortable with being known as 'MrGonna' instead of being the main attraction.

So, yea. Your presence may be cramping his style and now that the initial adrenaline rush of "oh, shit, I'm busted" has worn off....he's irritated and ready to get back to his 'normal'.

His dis-inviting you from the next trip is not a good sign.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8252 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
meplusfour
♀ 38958
Member # 38958
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Valentine's Day was three and a half months ago. He was taking you on his trips as a condition of R and rebuilding trust. Now he is not taking you and acting all injured and pouty? Big red flags.

How long is the business trip for? Do you have knowledge of where he is staying or how he is travelling there? If not, are you able to find out? Here is the plan. Hire a PI and give him the information that you have about your WH's trip. Have the PI take pictures and gather evidence. In advance, tell the PI that if there is evidence of cheating or wrongdoing, to email you the photographs and a brief summary immediately. Then, before WH comes back, talk to a lawyer. In fact, talk to a lawyer now to get information and plan accordingly. Open a bank account in your own name. Check if you are able to change locks on your own accord. If evidence is sent that shows cheating, you need to take back control. Pack his stuff up and have it ready for him to pick up. Change the locks. If no evidence emerges, then something else is going on that can be addressed in IC or MC. But if he has decided to revert to his old ways, you need to regain control.

You are a kind and moral person who gave your WH a second chance. If he is foolish enough to waste it, you need to put yourself first and protect you. You have done nothing wrong. By pouting and acting hurt, he is trying to force to into feeling like you have erred and to retake control. Classic manipulative behaviour. Do not fall for it.

Sending you grace, dignity and strength.


BW (me)42
WH 44
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
In R
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."

Posts: 399 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
needfriendshere
♀ 43350
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, June 12th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all. Seethelight, it sounds like your H was a lot like mine. I will make sure to go on the next business trip. You are all right. All of you....I do think that I am cutting into my H's fun and cramping what was once "his style". Problem is that his style led to our troubles. He said that his A was a fantasy world he could go to - like a vacation (with benefits). Yuck! I think when I am with him, it makes him miss what he had. And that's too bad, isn't it? I just wish I was always enough for him and hope with all my heart that I can be now. Is that asking too much?

Again, thanks you all. Wish me luck! Hugs to you all!!!


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 456 | Registered: May 2014
Ostrich80
34827
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 3:55 AM, June 13th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you figured it out, your getting attention now and he liked it when he was on his biz vacay acting single. You've done nothing to warrant his flirting accusations. Is it possible that he's been a stand up guy, taking you with him to get you to calmed down and put your suspicions at ease, so he can go back to his past behavior. Just a thought and yea I'm overly suspicious but my ws got me to back off and feel more at ease( let the dust settle) than business as usual. I would not let him take that next trip without me and if he insists, like the above poster said, show up unannounced.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5279 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
realitybites
♀ 6908
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 6:45 AM, June 13th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It also sounds like a true WS manipulation....go thru the "be nice to the wifey" stage and then have a "disagreement" and make it look like it is the BS's fault, aka "getting upset that you were friendly with others" and then get you to back off. So that he can go back out on trips on his own.

Rinse wash repeat. Its what they do. And we BS's fall for it every time. We so badly want them to want us that we like the "loving" period...until they dump us again to go do what they want once more. Its crazy making stuff for sure.

I agree with the above poster who advised you get a PI. I would not go with him cuz you won't find out anything. Also agree that until or when he gets into any kind of IC to find out why he felt it was OK to have a total other life he will never change. Good luck to you.


Posts: 5707 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
TrulySad
♀ 39652
Member # 39652
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, June 13th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My thought is he hated seeing other men talking friendly with you. He knows first hand how affairs can start, and he was one of those guys at one time. So maybe in his head, he's not going to bring you next time because it's a way to prevent anything from happening between you and those men.

I know it's crap, but looks like he's jealous and thinks he can control things by removing you from the situation. The problem is YOU ARE TRUSTWORTHY. You aren't the one who did wrong. So he has to sit back and deal with this. And as far as you not going on the next one...I'd say as long as you both are R, it's not an option. You're going.

I hope he gets his act together soon and quits his pouting. Sending you hugs...


Me: Sad, but I will survive

True Love: What I have for my beautiful children.


Posts: 494 | Registered: Jun 2013
TrulySad
♀ 39652
Member # 39652
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, June 13th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oops....double post. This computer is about as reliable as my WBF

[This message edited by TrulySad at 8:40 AM, June 13th (Friday)]


Me: Sad, but I will survive

True Love: What I have for my beautiful children.


Posts: 494 | Registered: Jun 2013
needfriendshere
♀ 43350
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, June 13th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get this big lump in my throat when I think of hiring a PI - largely because I am terrified he/she will discover something I am afraid is going on. My H and I are working so hard at R and, if he is planning something on this next business trip, it will be over between us.

My H travels on business A LOT. In his 6-year A, he saw his AP more than you can imagine. She happens to live in the primary city he travels to and is not someone he works with. He would go to his work meetings and then take a taxi to be with her or he'd have her meet him at his hotel. After a while, he began extending his "business" trips to include entire days spent with her. Then it graduated to his having no business intent for the trips at all - he would lie to me and say he was going there to work and was really spending ALL his time with her. By the time I discovered their A, he was seeing her almost weekly - for a couple of days at a time.

This next trip is to a different city, which is why he is justifying my not going with him. But, and this makes me sick just to type it, it is a city that credit card records showed FTD (flower) purchases on more than one occasion. It is a city he goes to, maybe, 3 times a year. When I asked him about the flowers, he said that he could not understand why the records showed that city - that they were sent to his mother for Mother's Day or Valentine's Day. The dates did correspond with those occasions and he does sometimes send her flowers, as she will generally call me to thank me for them as well. But why would the order show a city (and state) other than the one his mom lives in? Is this standard for FTD? Do any of you know? My heart just gets sick thinking there could be an AP #2. And that, because I did not "discover" her, he will keep it going on. Could he be that good of a liar to act so incredibly remorseful, be IT and supposedly making tremendous progress, and yet still having someone else on the side? Someone he sees much less frequently so in his messed-up mind, it isn't as bad? Look where my mind goes!!!! I hate this. I wish I could just trust him but that will take years to happen.

So...how does one go about hiring a PI? Thank you so much and hugs to you all.


Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's AP lasted 6 years, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 456 | Registered: May 2014
seethelight
♀ 43513
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, June 13th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Needsafriendhere:

The truth will set you free, my friend.

You need the truth to make an informed decision about your life.

Knowing there is/was more than one AP doesn't have to mean divorce, it means he needs to start towing the line.

If not, it means divorce.

[This message edited by seethelight at 10:07 AM, June 13th (Friday)]


“If two people truly have feelings for one another then they don’t have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1516 | Registered: May 2014
realitybites
♀ 6908
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, June 13th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I get this big lump in my throat when I think of hiring a PI - largely because I am terrified he/she will discover something I am afraid is going on. My H and I are working so hard at R and, if he is planning something on this next business trip, it will be over between us.

I know this was hard to write. But you do know how backwards this sounds right? It means you would rather NOT know, even if he is still cheating. But I do understand. Fear is really what holds us back, I get that.

So I would make a list first and write out what you are afraid of....and if it were to happen what would YOU do.

Also just as a precaution, start going thru credit cards and savings accounts and IRA's or 401K's and really start breaking down your finances. I find a BS feels they have no financial power and feel stuck...knowledge is power and you may want to start working on these things first, meaning get your ducks in a row just in case, and then worry about what you may or may not do.

He has been living a double life for 6 years and now you need to play "catch up". Its understandable that you feel the ground underneath you is very unstable right now. Take one thing at a time.


Posts: 5707 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
Topic Posts: 26
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