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Has WS ever threatened suicide??

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neecee posted 6/13/2014 10:16 AM

Has anyone's WS ever threatened to commit suicide because they couldn't deal with their guilt. My WH uses this as a manipulation tactic often, but now that he has lost everything, I wonder if he is capable of actually doing it!

IrishGirlVA posted 6/13/2014 10:20 AM

Even IF this has been a manipulation tactic in the past, you can't take any chances going forward. Especially if he has nothing left to lose. Next time he threatens suicide you inform him that your next call is going to be to 911. And don't threaten to call 911, actually do it.

I'm sorry but words and actions have consequences. If he wasn't serious about wanting to end his life then he will think twice about using that manipulation tactic on you. If he is serious, then you calling 911 was the best thing to do.

yearsofpain25 posted 6/13/2014 10:25 AM

Yes. My mother used to threaten it with my father all the time. She did attempt when he left. Bottle of sleeping pills. Then she would threaten me all the time with doing the same before I left. I did leave. She took another bottle of sleeping pills. I never visited her in the hospital and deliberately stayed away for over a month after that.

Wasn't done out of guilt though as she never had any. No remorse at all. She did it as a manipulation tactic. It failed both times.

Don't let him manipulate you. It's out of your hands and is totally on him if he does. I have dealt with a lot of suicide. My own included.

In my experience I have found that there are 2 types of people that are suicidal. If they are in front of you talking, that's a good thing. To me that means that there is something still left inside of them that is not giving up the fight. Kinda like a subconscious survival instinct. Many times with this type of person it's more of a cry for help with the pain they are dealing with. Or B, in your WH's case probably a manipulation tactic.

Then there's the other type. There's no warning with these and they just go ahead and do it. They are not sitting in front of you talking and you might get a sense that something is wrong, but don't really know for sure what that something is. Because they aren't going to tell you or talk about it. This is the kind that I was and that my brother was. The only reason I'm still alive is a classmate beat me to it and I got to see the fallout from it first hand. My brother was not so lucky. He pulled it off without any discussion or threats. When someone truly lets go of life they become peaceful.

That doesn't mean that the first type can't attempt it as a cry for help and pull it off though. But again, that is on them. Not you. Usually if it's a cry for help it will be done in a manner where they will be "found" or "rescued".

Sorry for the dark thoughts on a Fri.


[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 10:37 AM, June 13th (Friday)]

deena04 posted 6/13/2014 10:54 AM

Mine has! He said I'd be better off, maybe he should just jump off a bridge, I wonder if the ceiling of the shed will support my weight, and that he had thought of putting a gun to his mouth because of what he did and before I even discovered it. I hate that he says that. I am getting more immune to it, though. I have said he knows that is not the answer and it would be more selfishness to do so. He knows where I stand on that issue. He needs to figure himself out. I truly think a WS that threatens it is either truly broken or truly selfish...not sure which one?

EvenKeel posted 6/13/2014 10:56 AM

Mine did.

I was advised to call 9-1-1. They said if he was manipulating...that would end it. If not, he would get help he needed.

Makes sense...totally takes the weight off of you.

Edited: Just read above post, as poster said if one really intends to do it; they will. That is how it was in my family too, my cousin made the decision and just did it.

[This message edited by EvenKeel at 11:00 AM, June 13th (Friday)]

Dreamboat posted 6/13/2014 10:57 AM

If he threatens again, call 911 so he can get a psych eval. Then he will either get the help that he needs (if he was serious) or get the message that using that king of threat to manipulate you simply will not work.

My X and OW used this threat often to get their family to do what they wanted. It worked because OW's H and FIL both committed suicide the year before the A started. I truly believe that using that type of threat in that circumstance is just cruel. X tried the threat on me one time during one of his pity parties. I rolled my eyes and said "Yeah, right. You are too selfish to commit suicide!" He never tried it on me again.

PurpleRose posted 6/13/2014 11:01 AM

Yup.. Told me during false R that he had "picked out the tree" that he was planning to plow his car into. I don't think it was because of his guilt at cheating however (hello false R) but more the issues he had within himself and not being happy with who he is/was.

I was pretty distraught at the time because I loved him and could not imagine life without him. I was worried for his mental health. I wanted him to be around for me and for our kids. It was scary, and sad, at the time.

Now? Pretty sure it was just another one of his selfish manipulation tactics to get me to stop asking questions, stop confronting, stop lashing out with my pain. It was always, and remains still, all about him.

Unagie posted 6/13/2014 11:18 AM

I didn't threaten I fully meant it. I had a plan where he would not be the one to find me because I didn't want to hurt him more. I wanted to throw myself in front of a train, I fantasized about drinking all my painkillers, I thought about how to get a gun and just end it. I ended up in a psych ER and 2 psychiatric hospitals. My IC had me sign a contract stating I would call immediately if I had an immediate plan to go through with. Using that as manipulation is cruel, I feel cruel thinking of the fact that I was going to go through with it.

Pass posted 6/13/2014 11:28 AM

I'm not a wayward, but I did attempt suicide (long before I found out about the infidelity). I didn't tell anyone about it, because I didn't think they'd care - and didn't want to inconvenience them for someone as unimportant as me.

I'll just suggest what the others have said. Next time, call 911. Don't tell him you're going to do it, just call. He'll spend some time in the hospital. He will either get the help he needs, or he will learn not to do that again.

And if he does it again, call 911 again.

My stay in the psych ward is the best thing that ever happened to me. It got me started on the treatment that I desperately needed. And I consider myself lucky that I was already seeing a shrink weekly when I found out about The Princess' screwing around. I needed that support.

nowiknow23 posted 6/13/2014 11:30 AM

Always treat a suicide threat as if it is real. It isn't on you to evaluate whether it's manipulation or not. Call 911 each and every time, even if he tries to walk it back or play off as, "I didn't mean it." "That's not what I meant." "You're overreacting." etc.


gonnabe2016 posted 6/13/2014 11:31 AM

The WH who wondered whether the ceiling of the shed would support his weight reminded me of a thread I just read in D/S regarding favorite old posts. One of those posts was this one:
"She's just sick enough to carry through with her threat to hang herself in our entry way.
I suppose it would be wholly inappropriate to whack at her like a pinata if she does?

People that cry wolf piss me off and are the reason that many people who really, really need help are not taken seriously.

And like yop said, the person who is seriously intent on committing suicide is NOT going to broadcast it -- that person will just do it. However, you can't just dismiss a 'broadcaster' either because suicide talk is not to be taken lightly.

If your WH is actively threatening suicide -- call 911.
If your WH is vaguely talking about suicide -- call 911 and tell them that your WH is having suicidal thoughts.

If the suicidal inclination is *for real*, then the person will have access to appropriate help, and if the person is *crying wolf*, well, they won't pull that shit on you again. It's emotional blackmail.

Monster (my stbx) found the loophole in that strategy, though. He would always refer to the past -- as in, when you threw me out 2 months ago and I was living in that house, my thoughts were scary and I thought about killing myself.
Nothing I could do with that and after the first 2 times of him saying it, it became *shrug-worthy* because I saw it for the manipulation tactic that it was.

Blindsided234 posted 6/13/2014 11:35 AM

My WH attempted suicide.. a few days after dday and telling him I wanted a divorce, he took a bottle of sleeping pills and chased them with vodka. Don't take it lightly, but also don't blame yourself for his are not responsible for what he chooses to do. I've spent too much time blaming myself and have even taken him back because I was worried about him hurting himself again (will be four years ago, November).

I agree with the previous posts, don't threaten to call it right away even if he's only using suicide as a manipulation tactic. Only he knows what's going on in his head.

[This message edited by Blindsided234 at 11:39 AM, June 13th (Friday)]

Nature_Girl posted 6/13/2014 13:30 PM

Both my IC and my ex's IC told me that if he ever again even hinted at suicide, I should call 911 immediately. Because yes, he'd been threatening it for our entire marriage. Any time I got too uppity, any time I told him he needed to stop the abuse or the inappropriate sexual acting out, any time he just plain needed me to get back to my place (under his boot), he'd talk about suicide.

I actually put it in writing. I told him if he ever again even acted depressed enough for me to be concerned, let alone utter a single word or phrase which hinted at suicide, I was going to call the men in white coats & let them deal with him.

He never again threatened suicide. It was a control tactic all along. Although I don't wish people to go to hell & stay there, I do kinda hope he visits long enough to have his feet scorched for using suicide threats to control me.

ddame23 posted 6/13/2014 14:13 PM

My H threatened suicide often the first year. He has Bipolar and has been suicidal in the past. My most worrisome day was about 6 weeks after D Day- H was at work breaking down, his coworkers desperately trying to get his providers on the phone. He wrote a suicide note to my son (he didn't send it, but writing it is serious enough) I wish I had had the advice to 911 from my work so they could to go to his work, but I didn't know at the time what I should have done.
It led to a year of veiled and not so veiled threats that I cried over many times in IC and MC. I still feel very responsible for keeping him alive- logically I know I'm not, but...

Seriously, if they are using the threat of death as a manipulation tactic, 48-72 hours of involuntary hold should stop it. If they are serious, then they need to be hospitalized.
Just call 911, let the professionals decide how serious it is.

YOP and Even Keel- I'm sorry for your losses.

[This message edited by ddame23 at 2:20 PM, June 13th (Friday)]

Hidingmyhurt posted 6/13/2014 15:38 PM

The second time I caught WH, he grabbed the gun and went out to commit suicide. He didn't tell me, but I saw him out of the corner of my eye while I was on a phone call. He said later he doesn't know if he would have done it, but it's always been a factor in how I deal with him. I actually was worried when I told him about my plans to file that he would do this again. I had my phone and was ready to call the police in case he said something. Always take them serious.

Want2help posted 6/13/2014 17:03 PM

My FWH planned to commit suicide when OW showed up pregnant (we were already in R). He had gone and gotten a gun, and driven up a logging road when I called him (OW had just called me)...

I didn't know until MC, where he admitted it to our counselor.

TheBestMe posted 6/13/2014 17:23 PM

This post just reminded me of how often my MIL would threaten suicide. My H also threatened to kill himself. The AP had the police come to my home on a welfare visit. The police stated that they were told that my H was going to harm himself. I wonder what prompted that loving gesture? Could it have been that my H and I had returned from a holiday weekend away.

On a separate occasion. my H threatened to commit suicide if I paid AP a visit. My reply was" don't fuck that up too. I'd get left having to clean up that mess. Make sure that you kill yourself so that I can get paid."

Threatening self harm is not to be taken lightly. But, I know that with my H it was being used as a form of manipulation. Like his mother, my H's selfishness would not allow him to hurt himself.

Each situation is different. By no means should mine be used as a template for deciding how to handle the threat of suicide. Use your common sense and trust your gut if faced with this question. Call 911...if for no other reason than to show the person that you take the threat seriously. Better to be safe than sorry!

sisoon posted 6/13/2014 18:29 PM

You could tell your WS to lookup or call the suicide hotline, but I think it's easier to call 911 and tell the operator your WS is at risk of committing suicide.

If he's suicidal, he needs professional help, and that's not you. If he's manipulating you, a call to 911 could be a very good learning experience for him.

Bluebird26 posted 6/13/2014 18:54 PM

Please don't let him manipulate you.

I let my ex do this to me our whole marriage, even while we were dating he would tell me he would kill himself if I ever left him.

As soon as things weren't going his way or I am guessing he felt guilty for his many affairs that I was not aware of at the time he would threaten to commit suicide. He would even print out instructions from the internet about ways he would do it.

I was always trying to save him. I wish now that I could have seen the emotional abuse for what it was and called the police instead of threatening to do it.

[This message edited by Bluebird26 at 6:55 PM, June 13th (Friday)]

burnedcanuckEMS posted 6/14/2014 10:10 AM

Yes he did, all the time and he held me emotionally hostage with his threats for many years. The worst time was when my mother was out visiting us in our new home and he threw one of his jealous fits. I had a friend over who happens to be a lesbian (makes no difference to me) and he thought she was hitting on me. After she left he had a jealous fit in front of my mom and while screaming he was going to kill himself grabbed a rifle and got in his truck and squealed off. My poor mom was crying so hard and so scared. All I could do was stand in shock and I believe I said "if he does it he does it there is not much I can do". I don't think I will ever forgive him for how that selfish SOB treated my mother....

His behaviour only became much worse after his own mother committed suicide by taking a full bottle of tylenol at New Years one year. Then my fears he would follow suit became worse. I swear I would have left him sooner had I not been so scared he would commit suicide. Then the affair happened, I kicked him out and he didn't commit suicide as he always said he would if we broke up... but I think this was due to him being oh so in love with ho-worker. In the end she did me a huge favour by being his distraction so I could get out of that destructive relationship.

Fast forward a year.... ho-worker and him had a fight... he chose to drive drunk while pulling a 40' fifth wheel..... gets stopped, DUI charges and apparently while in cells he actually did try to commit suicide! That resulted in a one way trip to the mental hospital via the police. Now its been another year, ho-worker and him broke up and he hasn't committed suicide yet.

All I can say is I am glad I don't have to live with that insanity and stress anymore. Just writing it out gives me a big headache!

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