I'm sorry but words and actions have consequences. If he wasn't serious about wanting to end his life then he will think twice about using that manipulation tactic on you. If he is serious, then you calling 911 was the best thing to do.
Wasn't done out of guilt though as she never had any. No remorse at all. She did it as a manipulation tactic. It failed both times.
Don't let him manipulate you. It's out of your hands and is totally on him if he does. I have dealt with a lot of suicide. My own included.
In my experience I have found that there are 2 types of people that are suicidal. If they are in front of you talking, that's a good thing. To me that means that there is something still left inside of them that is not giving up the fight. Kinda like a subconscious survival instinct. Many times with this type of person it's more of a cry for help with the pain they are dealing with. Or B, in your WH's case probably a manipulation tactic.
Then there's the other type. There's no warning with these and they just go ahead and do it. They are not sitting in front of you talking and you might get a sense that something is wrong, but don't really know for sure what that something is. Because they aren't going to tell you or talk about it. This is the kind that I was and that my brother was. The only reason I'm still alive is a classmate beat me to it and I got to see the fallout from it first hand. My brother was not so lucky. He pulled it off without any discussion or threats. When someone truly lets go of life they become peaceful.
That doesn't mean that the first type can't attempt it as a cry for help and pull it off though. But again, that is on them. Not you. Usually if it's a cry for help it will be done in a manner where they will be "found" or "rescued".
Sorry for the dark thoughts on a Fri.
[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 10:37 AM, June 13th (Friday)]
I was advised to call 9-1-1. They said if he was manipulating...that would end it. If not, he would get help he needed.
Makes sense...totally takes the weight off of you.
Edited: Just read above post, as poster said if one really intends to do it; they will. That is how it was in my family too, my cousin made the decision and just did it.
[This message edited by EvenKeel at 11:00 AM, June 13th (Friday)]
My X and OW used this threat often to get their family to do what they wanted. It worked because OW's H and FIL both committed suicide the year before the A started. I truly believe that using that type of threat in that circumstance is just cruel. X tried the threat on me one time during one of his pity parties. I rolled my eyes and said "Yeah, right. You are too selfish to commit suicide!" He never tried it on me again.
I was pretty distraught at the time because I loved him and could not imagine life without him. I was worried for his mental health. I wanted him to be around for me and for our kids. It was scary, and sad, at the time.
Now? Pretty sure it was just another one of his selfish manipulation tactics to get me to stop asking questions, stop confronting, stop lashing out with my pain. It was always, and remains still, all about him.
No longer together
"There are times when our reality is nothing but pain, and to escape that pain the mind must leave reality behind." Patrick Rothfuss
I'll just suggest what the others have said. Next time, call 911. Don't tell him you're going to do it, just call. He'll spend some time in the hospital. He will either get the help he needs, or he will learn not to do that again.
And if he does it again, call 911 again.
My stay in the psych ward is the best thing that ever happened to me. It got me started on the treatment that I desperately needed. And I consider myself lucky that I was already seeing a shrink weekly when I found out about The Princess' screwing around. I needed that support.
The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous
“The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves.”
― Pema Chödrön
People that cry wolf piss me off and are the reason that many people who really, really need help are not taken seriously.
And like yop said, the person who is seriously intent on committing suicide is NOT going to broadcast it -- that person will just do it. However, you can't just dismiss a 'broadcaster' either because suicide talk is not to be taken lightly.
If your WH is actively threatening suicide -- call 911.
If your WH is vaguely talking about suicide -- call 911 and tell them that your WH is having suicidal thoughts.
If the suicidal inclination is *for real*, then the person will have access to appropriate help, and if the person is *crying wolf*, well, they won't pull that shit on you again. It's emotional blackmail.
Monster (my stbx) found the loophole in that strategy, though. He would always refer to the past -- as in, when you threw me out 2 months ago and I was living in that house, my thoughts were scary and I thought about killing myself.
Nothing I could do with that and after the first 2 times of him saying it, it became *shrug-worthy* because I saw it for the manipulation tactic that it was.
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
I agree with the previous posts, don't threaten to call 911..do it right away even if he's only using suicide as a manipulation tactic. Only he knows what's going on in his head.
[This message edited by Blindsided234 at 11:39 AM, June 13th (Friday)]
I actually put it in writing. I told him if he ever again even acted depressed enough for me to be concerned, let alone utter a single word or phrase which hinted at suicide, I was going to call the men in white coats & let them deal with him.
He never again threatened suicide. It was a control tactic all along. Although I don't wish people to go to hell & stay there, I do kinda hope he visits long enough to have his feet scorched for using suicide threats to control me.
Seriously, if they are using the threat of death as a manipulation tactic, 48-72 hours of involuntary hold should stop it. If they are serious, then they need to be hospitalized.
Just call 911, let the professionals decide how serious it is.
YOP and Even Keel- I'm sorry for your losses.
[This message edited by ddame23 at 2:20 PM, June 13th (Friday)]
I didn't know until MC, where he admitted it to our counselor.
On a separate occasion. my H threatened to commit suicide if I paid AP a visit. My reply was" don't fuck that up too. I'd get left having to clean up that mess. Make sure that you kill yourself so that I can get paid."
Threatening self harm is not to be taken lightly. But, I know that with my H it was being used as a form of manipulation. Like his mother, my H's selfishness would not allow him to hurt himself.
Each situation is different. By no means should mine be used as a template for deciding how to handle the threat of suicide. Use your common sense and trust your gut if faced with this question. Call 911...if for no other reason than to show the person that you take the threat seriously. Better to be safe than sorry!
Both feet pointed forward; positive
If he's suicidal, he needs professional help, and that's not you. If he's manipulating you, a call to 911 could be a very good learning experience for him.
I let my ex do this to me our whole marriage, even while we were dating he would tell me he would kill himself if I ever left him.
As soon as things weren't going his way or I am guessing he felt guilty for his many affairs that I was not aware of at the time he would threaten to commit suicide. He would even print out instructions from the internet about ways he would do it.
I was always trying to save him. I wish now that I could have seen the emotional abuse for what it was and called the police instead of threatening to do it.
[This message edited by Bluebird26 at 6:55 PM, June 13th (Friday)]
Best thing I gained in my divorce - my freedom.
His behaviour only became much worse after his own mother committed suicide by taking a full bottle of tylenol at New Years one year. Then my fears he would follow suit became worse. I swear I would have left him sooner had I not been so scared he would commit suicide. Then the affair happened, I kicked him out and he didn't commit suicide as he always said he would if we broke up... but I think this was due to him being oh so in love with ho-worker. In the end she did me a huge favour by being his distraction so I could get out of that destructive relationship.
Fast forward a year.... ho-worker and him had a fight... he chose to drive drunk while pulling a 40' fifth wheel..... gets stopped, DUI charges and apparently while in cells he actually did try to commit suicide! That resulted in a one way trip to the mental hospital via the police. Now its been another year, ho-worker and him broke up and he hasn't committed suicide yet.
All I can say is I am glad I don't have to live with that insanity and stress anymore. Just writing it out gives me a big headache!
PS...sorry for any spelling errors or missing letters etc..... ty