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Emotional, Up All night, I cut my own hair

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ddame23 posted 6/13/2014 15:35 PM

I was feeling a lot of pent up stuff and found myself a set of scissors and butchered my hair the other night. Please tell me I'm not the only one who has done this...

FoggedIn posted 6/13/2014 15:45 PM


I can't say I've done this, but I already have a pixie cut so there wouldn't be much to cut.

However a couple of days ago WH asked me if I was ever going to grow it out. He (like most men) prefers long hair. The prostitute (the one I know of) had very long dark wavy hair, I know this because I found plenty of it left for me on the hotel sheets!

Anyway, when he asked if I was ever going to grow it out, it sent a wave of fury over me, so much so that I literally wanted to have a Britney Spears moment and just shave my head!!!

So, I haven't done what you did, but it certainly crossed my mind. We all have a lot of crap we keep pushing down on the inside and eventually it has to come out, sometimes not in the most healthy ways. I know there are better ways to handle things, are you in IC, MC, do you have someone you can talk to? If not, I suggest you get into IC, it does help to have someone you can spill your guts to!

In the mean time, know that we're here for ya!

SadieMae posted 6/13/2014 15:50 PM

I had long, dark hair. WH's AP also has long dark hair. After a fight where I felt that WH was speaking in defense of AP, I grabbed the scissors and whacked some of my hair off. Thanks to my hairdresser, I now have a cute bob.

rachelc posted 6/13/2014 15:51 PM

I think this may be a normal thing for people under extreme distress and trauma. I'm not sure why.

I haven't done it myself but I know others who have.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Are you in IC?

nowiknow23 posted 6/13/2014 15:56 PM

((((ddame23)))) You are not the only one who has done this, honey. I've been around SI long enough to see it before, and I do understand the urge.

tushnurse posted 6/13/2014 16:28 PM

My H loved my hair long. I hated it and always wanted it short but kept it at least shoulder length since my last year of college. When he was acting an assistant and I was losing my mind I decided to chop it off.
I did not do it myself. I had my friend who is an awesome hairdresser do it.

It has never been long again. It never will be.
I think it's some cleansing of spirit, starting new, purging of evil.
Plus for it was a fuck you to him. He went on a weekend trip to "go fishing" he really was with her. Of course at that point I only had suspicions.

Pass posted 6/13/2014 17:39 PM

Well, I had already been shaving my head for years, but about four days after DDay I did get a new tattoo - and then got another five in the next few months.

... you know ... because it seemed like such a great time to be making those kinds of decisions.

Been happily separated for 15 months, hate my future ex-wife, still love all my tattoos.

annb posted 6/13/2014 18:29 PM

When I was really in the midst of this nightmare, I used to have urges to chop my hair off, usually when I went to bed and the mind movies started.

Never did it, but that urge was strong for months.

Ginny posted 6/13/2014 21:19 PM

OMG. I thought I was the only one. After two separate big TT Days i chopped big chunks out of my hair. I had to wear a hat to go to the hairdresser. I told her I had a trauma in my life and this happened. She was so kind and gentle. The second time I just sheepishly said, "I did it again. Just do whatever you can to fix it."

She gave me a cute VERY short pixie. I told her I really liked the cut she gave me. She said, "you MUST. You have done this twice." We had a chuckle and she gave me a hug.

The urge was so overwhelming I just couldnt stop myself.

stunnedmullet posted 6/13/2014 23:42 PM

I cut my hair a couple if months before DDay. Little did I know I cut it into the exact style of OW. I went out two weeks ago and paid hundreds of dollars for hair extensions. I will never have my hair in a concave bob again!

Ostrich80 posted 6/14/2014 00:20 AM

No I haven't cut it myself but ws likes long hair, which I've always had. Last month I told my hairdresser to wack to my shoulders, and I love it! My kids said it took ten yrs off of my face. So much easier too.

ddame23 posted 6/23/2014 10:29 AM

Thanks everyone. Sorry for the delayed response. I've been on vacation with my family. I'm relieved I'm not the only one. Part of me wonders if this is a similar urge that drives young girls to cut themselves

JanaGreen posted 6/23/2014 10:34 AM

I think this may be a normal thing for people under extreme distress and trauma. I'm not sure why.

I cut my hair very short after my first miscarriage. I didn't want to look in the mirror and see myself looking the same as I did when I was blissfully pregnant.

seethelight posted 6/23/2014 10:38 AM

I studied psychology. and actually worked in a psychiatric unit for awhile, before changing careers.

This is something that a lot of the patients did when under extreme stress, as others have noted.

Still, I think, if you are not already getting professional help, it is time to get some, and discuss this incident with your psych pro.

edited for typo

[This message edited by seethelight at 10:40 AM, June 23rd (Monday)]

ddame23 posted 6/23/2014 13:47 PM

@JanaGreen. I'm so sorry for your loss.

heartbroken2012 posted 6/23/2014 14:48 PM

After he confessed and while he was in the fog he mentioned that he must like a certain hair color (me and the OW have the same hair color), so I dyed it red and its been that way ever since.

ButterflyGirl posted 6/23/2014 15:44 PM

I certainly had that urge, but I've had short hair before, and it looks terrible on me, so I fought the urge and left the length alone. Can't say the same for the color.. I needed to do something, anything to it to make it different..

I think it's rather natural after a traumatic experience like infidelity. Even with just a "normal" breakup, I think lots of women feel the urge to change things up and end up doing something different with their hair.

However, I *did* take the scissors to a bunch of my clothes and a hammer to a bunch of my jewelry. I just wanted to get rid of the past and start fresh, so you could have caught me numerous times at the flea market and clearance sections of stores trying to replenish my wardrobe and accessories.

I will admit to being a cutter in high school when dealing with another traumatic experience I endured, and while I can't speak for all cutters, I will say for me, I was hurting so bad emotionally, I wanted something else to hurt more. It was a weird sort of emotional release for me. I realize now how self-destructive that behavior was and how it didn't solve anything, but it did make me feel good at the time. I think I had some self-loathing as well, so it didn't matter to me at the time that I was hurting myself.. Luckily, I've found other outlets for my pain and anger, such as breaking old cheap dishes into a garbage can or cutting up pictures of my ex into a million pieces.. Sometimes you just need a release..

I would suggest some IC for you as well. Something I see here on SI a lot is how hard it is sometimes for betrayed spouses to love themselves again and be proud of themselves and take care of themselves. Even though none of this was our fault, so many times we internalize this and try to find ways we were responsible for them cheating. I hope you know that NOTHING you did or didn't do caused him to cheat. He always had the choice to be honest and leave you, but he was a selfish manipulative pig and took advantage of you. Always remember that..

And I just remembered the one other time in my life I had the urge to chop my hair, and that was after the birth of one of my sons. Perhaps sometimes we are so stressed and want to make life easier, so maybe we think cutting our hair would make life easier when we have a lot on our plate.. That could be part of it too..

It's really not surprising to me at all that you want to look and feel different, but now you need to own it. Get thee to a hairdresser and try to enjoy the new you


heme posted 6/23/2014 15:59 PM

Didn't cut my hair but after the first DD I did something else crazy. I was knitting (knitting is my stress release) a rather complex shawl to wear for our special anniversary dinner. I took scissors to it and cut it to pieces. I can't even look at the remaining yarn or the pattern, it brings up to much hurt. Im about to just throw out the yarn and pattern, I would give it away the yarn but then Id worried Id see the person wearing something mad of the yarn and start bawling. Just looking at it makes me feel all the pain all over again.

Probably ruined a good 50 hours of work because the project was just that complex. Silly probably, stupid definitely but it was nice to get the aggression out and it was better than some of the other things that crossed my mind.

rachelc posted 6/23/2014 16:09 PM

Two months after Dday two I thought well, he likes blondes, I better go there. So I did. And hated it. I'm a red-head/blonde highlights girl. So then I dyed it back. And TG and I had a two hour texting conversation while I did this. Good times...

The mirror thing - also very normal. My mom told me she couldn't look at herself in the mirror after my Dad left her for his AP. I couldn't for a while either. Occasionally I would catch glimpses of myself and think, "who's that pretty woman?" and was heartbroken that the inside of me didn't match the outside, and how much was stolen from me....

shygirl07 posted 6/23/2014 16:38 PM

I have almost done that.. its def led me to creep and lurk at th ings I didnt want to see... hugs to you ! we are here for u

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