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Newest Member: Starrystarrynight

Just Found Out :
OW Contacted Me!

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 YooperLady (original poster member #43705) posted at 3:36 AM on Saturday, June 14th, 2014

WS and I put together an NC. What was a waste of time that was. She has since contacted both of us (less than 24 hrs later). She said she wouldn't discuss her "warm and loving" relationship with WS with me then proceeded to discuss it (email). Also sent WS an email. I wanted to block her from future contact and WS and I had another fight. He said "she needs a place to vent". I know I shouldn't have opened it. Now I'm back in the pits again.

[This message edited by YooperLady at 9:37 PM, June 13th (Friday)]

posts: 55   ·   registered: Jun. 12th, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 6835496
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karmahappens ( member #35846) posted at 3:47 AM on Saturday, June 14th, 2014

I am sorry

Really though. .. he should be showing concern for you, not her.

Take care of yourself.

(((Hugs)))

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

posts: 4036   ·   registered: Jun. 13th, 2012   ·   location: Massachusetts
id 6835510
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Kajem ( member #36134) posted at 3:56 AM on Saturday, June 14th, 2014

She can vent on the ow forum.

He needs to be more understanding of your feelings.

Hugs

K

I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - UnknownRelationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

posts: 6708   ·   registered: Jul. 15th, 2012   ·   location: Florida
id 6835514
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 YooperLady (original poster member #43705) posted at 4:00 AM on Saturday, June 14th, 2014

I told him he was putting her feelings in front of mine! Then a row ensued where I got rather unkind. We have an appt with a marriage counselor on Monday and I plan to bringing it up there.

posts: 55   ·   registered: Jun. 12th, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 6835517
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karmahappens ( member #35846) posted at 4:05 AM on Saturday, June 14th, 2014

You have every right to block her. Don't respond to her, She doesn't deserve the attention.

Have you read through the healing library? Ĺots of great info there.

You did nothing to deserve this.

I am so sorry for your pain.

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

posts: 4036   ·   registered: Jun. 13th, 2012   ·   location: Massachusetts
id 6835519
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EasyDoesIt ( member #29514) posted at 4:16 AM on Saturday, June 14th, 2014

What she needs should be of no concern to him at all. NC means NC. I'd take out a protective order.

Anything less than full disclosure and total transparency is pure bullshit. WARNING! No emotional pollution allowed.

posts: 3756   ·   registered: Sep. 2nd, 2010   ·   location: Georgia
id 6835525
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BlackHorse ( member #43459) posted at 4:58 AM on Saturday, June 14th, 2014

I am so sorry for the total lack of regard given to you by your "WS".

My own situation is still fresh to me so I cannot be anything but hostile towards others who's selfishness created such situations which many of us are facing right now.

My own "wayward" got all concerned for her "OM" (a man she said she was no longer in contact with - nor did she care about) when she heard me say I could destroy his reputation as a leading real estate in his State by contacting his realty company / the Real Estate Board of the State he works from / and the Real Estate Board of the city he works from.

I would mention he was using his influence to sexually exploit a physically and mentally challenged woman - aka my "wayward" from a near death car accident decades ago.

I did not care if the shit thrown at the wall by me would stick or not - I just wanted it to leave a stain - and cast some doubt on his credibility for future consideration.

She is still protecting him. My "wayward" and her "OM" have nothing to fear from me now since he can have her. I know too much about her now. They deserve each other.

For her and myself there is no hope for "R".

For you - your "WS" should consider the consequences of his actions very much right now - even if he did not consider the consequences of his actions before he created all the pain due to his selfishness.

I am very sorry for what you are going through.

- BlackHorse.

Not together long enough - too many long separations due to her continuing medical issues.
Me - Canadian.
She - American.
Both of us in our fifties.
D-Day - 04/30/14 (while she was away seeking medical assistance in her homeland)

posts: 82   ·   registered: May. 18th, 2014   ·   location: The West Coast of Canada
id 6835544
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 YooperLady (original poster member #43705) posted at 1:38 PM on Saturday, June 14th, 2014

OW made contact AGAIN to WS. This time to apologize for her nastiness. She's completely disregarding the NC. While I did block her on his computer, I did realize I have to block her on his tablet too.

posts: 55   ·   registered: Jun. 12th, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 6835674
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nekorb ( member #40306) posted at 1:49 PM on Saturday, June 14th, 2014

OW needs a place to vent? AYFKM???

Neither of you owe her anything. Much less emotional support to deal with her skankiness.

I call BS. He is trying to maintain contact with her.

Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 M - 22 Years
D-day: 7/2013; D filed 7/2014; Divorced 7-27-16
...the WS affair starts off in a dreamland where everything is all Golly, Wow! and Meant To Be! and Soul Mates drop from the trees to frolic in the mist. -devotedman

posts: 5796   ·   registered: Aug. 13th, 2013
id 6835680
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yearsofpain25 ( member #42012) posted at 2:07 PM on Saturday, June 14th, 2014

I call BS. He is trying to maintain contact with her.

I was thinking the same thing as Nekorb as I was reading through it. Have seen that many times on here before even after NC. He should be equally involved in blocking her. Most importantly, what does your WH say about her contact? What is his reaction when you brought it to his attention?

"I remind myself of this. I am a survivor. I have taken all this world has dished out and am still here. So there is no reason to be afraid. Whatever happens, I will survive. So now onto living. It is time for me to thrive." - DrJekyll

posts: 4519   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2014   ·   location: Northeast US
id 6835691
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4everfaithful83 ( member #41761) posted at 6:30 PM on Saturday, June 14th, 2014

WOW! She needs a place to vent?

NC means just that. NO CONTACT. I would block her in every way possible. That means block her on every phone number, email address and social media. Better yet! I would delete any email addresses she knows and have him make a new one. Have your WH change his cell phone number as well. There's no reason for OW to be able to contact you or WH at all.

Stop letting your WH set the rules about what Reconciliation looks like, because its NOT maintaining contact with the OW so that she has "a place to vent" That is complete and utter bullshit!

Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze...

ME: 36
1 doggie
DDay: June 24th, 2013
DDay 2 : August 22nd,2017

Left him August 26th, 2017

posts: 818   ·   registered: Dec. 24th, 2013   ·   location: Pennsylvania
id 6835857
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LA44 ( member #38384) posted at 6:41 PM on Saturday, June 14th, 2014

Yooper, hand him HIS tablet and tell him to block her from it. Its not the same if you do it.

Please do not respond to her. Don't give her the power.

Finally, I am sorry he responded as he did. If she needs a place to vent she can seek out a good friend or a therapist. Venting to either one of you is again, unacceptable. And it's brutal that he doesn't see this. He needs to concern himself with your well-being, not hers! It's time to start protecting you. NOT HER.

Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

posts: 3442   ·   registered: Feb. 7th, 2013   ·   location: Canada, eh
id 6835864
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Delilah169 ( member #43689) posted at 6:46 PM on Saturday, June 14th, 2014

((((YooperLady))))

Very new here, very new in my healing process. Not doing well with it, so don't like to give out much advice yet.

But having tremendous experience w/being contacted by OW, I feel this is something I can comment on. First, block her yourself from everything, cell, email, tablets, home phone, anything else I haven't thought of.

Second, WS NEEDS to do the same. In front of you. If he agreed to a NC then it is HIS responsibility to adhere to it. I would allow him one more email where he tells her "GO VENT ELSEWHERE AND LEAVE ME AND MY FAMILY ALONE OR WE WILL GET RESTRAINING ORDER". Then he must block her from everything.

Ask him right up front if he has any secret email accounts or the like. You'll know if he lies about it. And watch for dating sites. My H and OW had profiles set up on such a site and used that to communicate after I watched him block all other avenues.

Good luck and peace to you.

Me - BS, Him - WS
Her - POS WB Fake Friend
Married - 22 Years, together 25
One 22 yo DD
DD - 4/28/13, TT for over a year
Doing well with R
"Life might be a little simpler if we just got over it"
"It all seems so clear in hindsight"

posts: 123   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2014
id 6835870
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Lovedyoumore ( member #35593) posted at 8:53 PM on Saturday, June 14th, 2014

We send NC requests hoping they have seen the wrongs in their A relationship and will honor it. We found out that an OW that knowingly has an A with a married man will not necessarily have enough morals to accept the NC concept. They already prove that a little marriage vow will not keep them apart, why a little NC request.

The OW made several email, text, phone, and gift deliveries after NC request was made. She even sent an email patting herself on the back for being "quiet" and seeking her own support in the break up. What she did not know was that I had already forwarded all emails to my computer so I got them all. She sent him a hokey hand made birthday gift, mix cd's with "special" instructions on how to listen to them, and on and on. She kept pursuing his "friendship", because, you know, they could continue being "just friends". The IC told my H to ignore them and give her nothing back. Nothing. That was so hard. His theory was firm NC by both of us would strangle the life out of her efforts. I wanted to strangle her.

Me 50's
WH 50's
Married 30+ years
2 young adult children
OW single 20 years younger
Together trying to R

Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose

posts: 3626   ·   registered: May. 15th, 2012   ·   location: Southern, bless your heart
id 6835929
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Skan ( member #35812) posted at 9:58 PM on Saturday, June 14th, 2014

She needs to vent? He needs a steel-toed western boot lodged up somewhere around his prostrate.

The choice is simple. Either he is with you all the way, or he is out. You don't get to protect your BWs emotional co-rapist. You toss them into the gutter where they belong, or you leave. Her "needs" should matter less than worm's spit. (((hugs)))

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012


posts: 11513   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2012   ·   location: So California
id 6835964
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 YooperLady (original poster member #43705) posted at 4:08 AM on Monday, June 16th, 2014

As I sit here reading previous replies, she called 2 more times. I'm sick of the rock sitting in my gut! He agreed to block her. Can't wait to see the shrink tomorrow. Maybe he'll have good words for idiot WS!

posts: 55   ·   registered: Jun. 12th, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 6836907
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 YooperLady (original poster member #43705) posted at 4:09 AM on Monday, June 16th, 2014

I have a question. Is it normal to keep on going thru his emails etc to check up on him? I don't trust him to let me know when she makes contact so I check on him.

posts: 55   ·   registered: Jun. 12th, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 6836910
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NeverAgain2013 ( member #38121) posted at 10:33 AM on Monday, June 16th, 2014

He has no remorse whatsoever.

I think NC messages/letters are pretty ineffectual because a cheating spouse will stay in touch with his affair partner if he wants to regardless of how many NC letters you write. So an NC message is only as good as the intent of your wandering spouse. Sounds as though he's clearly still in contact with her and will just find another avenue to keep the communication between them flowing.

Anyone who has this little regard for the pain he's caused you is clearly not remorseful.

Sorry.

Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

posts: 6327   ·   registered: Jan. 14th, 2013   ·   location: USA
id 6837042
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devasted30 ( member #39439) posted at 12:35 PM on Monday, June 16th, 2014

Yes, it's normal to keep checking his emails etc. and you will do that for a very long, long time. Do not feel guilty about that. He brought it on himself. I still check my WS emails and he never does. I tell him if there is anything there. He understands and accepts that it's all part of the healing process.

And remember Murphy is right. Nothing is so bad that it can't get worse!!!

posts: 1944   ·   registered: Jun. 4th, 2013   ·   location: Ontario, Canada
id 6837084
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Schadenfreude ( member #43075) posted at 1:08 PM on Monday, June 16th, 2014

So she is nutty as a fruitcake. The issue isn't her and her behavior, it's WH's actions. He still wants her. Nice work if you can get it having W and GF. Simpl put tell WH that he can have you and his marriage or he can contine to play around with OW. And no, he doesn't he time to decide.

posts: 892   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2014   ·   location: Midwest
id 6837111
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