SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

YooperLady posted 6/13/2014 21:36 PM

WS and I put together an NC. What was a waste of time that was. She has since contacted both of us (less than 24 hrs later). She said she wouldn't discuss her "warm and loving" relationship with WS with me then proceeded to discuss it (email). Also sent WS an email. I wanted to block her from future contact and WS and I had another fight. He said "she needs a place to vent". I know I shouldn't have opened it. Now I'm back in the pits again.

[This message edited by YooperLady at 9:37 PM, June 13th (Friday)]

karmahappens posted 6/13/2014 21:47 PM

I am sorry

Really though. .. he should be showing concern for you, not her.

Take care of yourself.

(((Hugs)))

Kajem posted 6/13/2014 21:56 PM

She can vent on the ow forum.

He needs to be more understanding of your feelings.

Hugs
K

YooperLady posted 6/13/2014 22:00 PM

I told him he was putting her feelings in front of mine! Then a row ensued where I got rather unkind. We have an appt with a marriage counselor on Monday and I plan to bringing it up there.

karmahappens posted 6/13/2014 22:05 PM

You have every right to block her. Don't respond to her, She doesn't deserve the attention.

Have you read through the healing library? Ĺots of great info there.

You did nothing to deserve this.

I am so sorry for your pain.

EasyDoesIt posted 6/13/2014 22:16 PM

What she needs should be of no concern to him at all. NC means NC. I'd take out a protective order.

BlackHorse posted 6/13/2014 22:58 PM

I am so sorry for the total lack of regard given to you by your "WS".

My own situation is still fresh to me so I cannot be anything but hostile towards others who's selfishness created such situations which many of us are facing right now.

My own "wayward" got all concerned for her "OM" (a man she said she was no longer in contact with - nor did she care about) when she heard me say I could destroy his reputation as a leading real estate in his State by contacting his realty company / the Real Estate Board of the State he works from / and the Real Estate Board of the city he works from.

I would mention he was using his influence to sexually exploit a physically and mentally challenged woman - aka my "wayward" from a near death car accident decades ago.

I did not care if the shit thrown at the wall by me would stick or not - I just wanted it to leave a stain - and cast some doubt on his credibility for future consideration.

She is still protecting him. My "wayward" and her "OM" have nothing to fear from me now since he can have her. I know too much about her now. They deserve each other.

For her and myself there is no hope for "R".

For you - your "WS" should consider the consequences of his actions very much right now - even if he did not consider the consequences of his actions before he created all the pain due to his selfishness.

I am very sorry for what you are going through.

- BlackHorse.

YooperLady posted 6/14/2014 07:38 AM

OW made contact AGAIN to WS. This time to apologize for her nastiness. She's completely disregarding the NC. While I did block her on his computer, I did realize I have to block her on his tablet too.

nekorb posted 6/14/2014 07:49 AM

OW needs a place to vent? AYFKM???

Neither of you owe her anything. Much less emotional support to deal with her skankiness.

I call BS. He is trying to maintain contact with her.

yearsofpain25 posted 6/14/2014 08:07 AM

I call BS. He is trying to maintain contact with her.

I was thinking the same thing as Nekorb as I was reading through it. Have seen that many times on here before even after NC. He should be equally involved in blocking her. Most importantly, what does your WH say about her contact? What is his reaction when you brought it to his attention?

4everfaithful83 posted 6/14/2014 12:30 PM

WOW! She needs a place to vent?

NC means just that. NO CONTACT. I would block her in every way possible. That means block her on every phone number, email address and social media. Better yet! I would delete any email addresses she knows and have him make a new one. Have your WH change his cell phone number as well. There's no reason for OW to be able to contact you or WH at all.

Stop letting your WH set the rules about what Reconciliation looks like, because its NOT maintaining contact with the OW so that she has "a place to vent" That is complete and utter bullshit!

LA44 posted 6/14/2014 12:41 PM

Yooper, hand him HIS tablet and tell him to block her from it. Its not the same if you do it.

Please do not respond to her. Don't give her the power.

Finally, I am sorry he responded as he did. If she needs a place to vent she can seek out a good friend or a therapist. Venting to either one of you is again, unacceptable. And it's brutal that he doesn't see this. He needs to concern himself with your well-being, not hers! It's time to start protecting you. NOT HER.

Delilah169 posted 6/14/2014 12:46 PM

((((YooperLady))))

Very new here, very new in my healing process. Not doing well with it, so don't like to give out much advice yet.

But having tremendous experience w/being contacted by OW, I feel this is something I can comment on. First, block her yourself from everything, cell, email, tablets, home phone, anything else I haven't thought of.

Second, WS NEEDS to do the same. In front of you. If he agreed to a NC then it is HIS responsibility to adhere to it. I would allow him one more email where he tells her "GO VENT ELSEWHERE AND LEAVE ME AND MY FAMILY ALONE OR WE WILL GET RESTRAINING ORDER". Then he must block her from everything.

Ask him right up front if he has any secret email accounts or the like. You'll know if he lies about it. And watch for dating sites. My H and OW had profiles set up on such a site and used that to communicate after I watched him block all other avenues.

Good luck and peace to you.

Lovedyoumore posted 6/14/2014 14:53 PM

We send NC requests hoping they have seen the wrongs in their A relationship and will honor it. We found out that an OW that knowingly has an A with a married man will not necessarily have enough morals to accept the NC concept. They already prove that a little marriage vow will not keep them apart, why a little NC request.

The OW made several email, text, phone, and gift deliveries after NC request was made. She even sent an email patting herself on the back for being "quiet" and seeking her own support in the break up. What she did not know was that I had already forwarded all emails to my computer so I got them all. She sent him a hokey hand made birthday gift, mix cd's with "special" instructions on how to listen to them, and on and on. She kept pursuing his "friendship", because, you know, they could continue being "just friends". The IC told my H to ignore them and give her nothing back. Nothing. That was so hard. His theory was firm NC by both of us would strangle the life out of her efforts. I wanted to strangle her.

Skan posted 6/14/2014 15:58 PM

She needs to vent? He needs a steel-toed western boot lodged up somewhere around his prostrate.

The choice is simple. Either he is with you all the way, or he is out. You don't get to protect your BWs emotional co-rapist. You toss them into the gutter where they belong, or you leave. Her "needs" should matter less than worm's spit. (((hugs)))

YooperLady posted 6/15/2014 22:08 PM

As I sit here reading previous replies, she called 2 more times. I'm sick of the rock sitting in my gut! He agreed to block her. Can't wait to see the shrink tomorrow. Maybe he'll have good words for idiot WS!

YooperLady posted 6/15/2014 22:09 PM

I have a question. Is it normal to keep on going thru his emails etc to check up on him? I don't trust him to let me know when she makes contact so I check on him.

NeverAgain2013 posted 6/16/2014 04:33 AM

He has no remorse whatsoever.

I think NC messages/letters are pretty ineffectual because a cheating spouse will stay in touch with his affair partner if he wants to regardless of how many NC letters you write. So an NC message is only as good as the intent of your wandering spouse. Sounds as though he's clearly still in contact with her and will just find another avenue to keep the communication between them flowing.

Anyone who has this little regard for the pain he's caused you is clearly not remorseful.

Sorry.

devasted30 posted 6/16/2014 06:35 AM

Yes, it's normal to keep checking his emails etc. and you will do that for a very long, long time. Do not feel guilty about that. He brought it on himself. I still check my WS emails and he never does. I tell him if there is anything there. He understands and accepts that it's all part of the healing process.

Schadenfreude posted 6/16/2014 07:08 AM

So she is nutty as a fruitcake. The issue isn't her and her behavior, it's WH's actions. He still wants her. Nice work if you can get it having W and GF. Simpl put tell WH that he can have you and his marriage or he can contine to play around with OW. And no, he doesn't he time to decide.