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Rewriting History

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Smashedat58 posted 6/14/2014 09:38 AM

I got an email this morning from my STBXWH stating that our marriage had been over before he started his involvement with another woman at work. This is news to me. We were still seeing a marriage counselor, at his request, when her BH blew the whistle. I know he is nuts, for sure, and can't wait to have my divorce final.

yearsofpain25 posted 6/14/2014 11:53 AM

Bullshit! I hate it when they do this. My mother tries to rewrite her A history all the time. It's a pathetic lie to try and make themselves not look as bad as they really are.

SisterMilkshake posted 6/14/2014 12:19 PM

I am so sorry. I know that must feel so invalidating to you. I just want to take out a billboard for you: No, Smashedat58's WH, the marriage was not over. We were not divorced and WE were seeing a MC to work on the marriage. Didn't know "working on the marriage" included dating other people.

What sickens me the most about unremorseful WS's is that I feel they actually believe their own lies. It is so frustrating to realize that they will go through their lives feeling righteous about their part in the marriage and its failure.

Unfortunately, Smashed, it is going to take some time and healing for you to be able to accept this and not have it rankle you in some way. Fortunately, most can tell you that they do get to that place.


nowiknow23 posted 6/14/2014 12:30 PM

I'm so sorry, honey. Unfortunately, that's par for the course. Doesn't make it any less painful and maddening, however. ((((Smashed))))

suckstobeme posted 6/14/2014 17:34 PM

It just goes to show how truly selfish and delusional they are. Rewriting your history is nothing but a crock of shit, all designed to make them feel like what they did was perfectly okay. Never mind that it's one more form of punishment and mind fuckery to us.

nomistakeaboutit posted 6/14/2014 19:42 PM

It's exactly what everyone has said - lies they tell to themselves to avoid guilt. If they were to be honest, it would require acknowledging that they had broken a solemn oath and committed a grievous act, one which caused tremendous pain to someone they once loved enough to marry.

My XWW said something similar to me. Her actual words to me (as we were on the path to divorce) were, "You know there were reasons why I strayed." Yes. Yes I do. And, none of them had anything to do with me, just like in your situation none of the reasons had anything to do you.

I'm at the point of indifference ( for the most part), but if I'm honest, that one sentence bothers me just about as much as anything. It's the unvarnished nerve to go beyond betrayal and try to somehow make it my fault that just makes my jaw drop open and no words come out!

Strength to you.

HeartStings posted 6/14/2014 20:09 PM

Cheaters really are delusional, aren't they?

On d-day, my WH said that our marriage had been over for 8 years. Really?! News to me! I seem to recall that I was sick to death of his alcoholism 8 years ago, and told him to fly free. Wish he had taken my advice back then.

HeBrokeVows posted 6/14/2014 20:42 PM

They all rewrite history it seems. Mine specifically walked out the door and said "I don't want this anymore". The big question for 3 days prior since DD was are you going to pick her or me and the kids. He told me three days later he doesn't want us anymore and was leaving that day. A few months later he rewrote history saying he didn't really leave us but I was so angry he couldn't take it and had to leave. Guess I should've laid down and been a doormat

jb3199 posted 6/15/2014 08:19 AM

What sickens me the most about unremorseful WS's is that I feel they actually believe their own lies. It is so frustrating to realize that they will go through their lives feeling righteous about their part in the marriage and its failure.

This is what has always infuriated me...their lack of come-uppance. I always try to convince myself...most likely in an unhealthy manner...that this shit balances itself out in the end. Be it in this world, or in some afterlife, you have to pay for your transgressions.

When I think that a Hitler, or a Stalin, or a remorseless WS doesn't get their just due---it drives me crazy.

So now I must return to my delusional belief of justice.....

sparkysable posted 6/15/2014 08:35 AM

They all do it.

My XWH had a moment of clarity, where said to me that he was fucked up, and he was a serial cheater, and there was nothing I could have done to prevent it, and he's never going to change, and even counseling won't help him.

However, he tells everyone else "the marriage was really bad for a long time". When confronted with the fact that we had just ADOPTED a newborn baby, he comes back with "I thought adopting a baby would save the bad marriage". Really.

nomistakeaboutit posted 6/15/2014 13:57 PM

Think of the courage it would take for a W to be totally honest with themselves. They would need to accept full responsibility for something very bad. They would know that they needed to change themselves to ensure they never imposed that kind of pain on someone again. Some can do it, and it is those few that create the environment for possible R. Most don't have the character or courage to look themselves in the mirror and be honest about what they have done.

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