"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

missingmyhubby posted 6/14/2014 13:39 PM

This is going to be long so i apologize ahead of time and thank you in advance to anybody who takes the time to read this. I will do my best not to ramble and hopefully you can follow this as my mind is all over the place and im shattered...

Husband and i have been married nearly 7 years, together for 13. He is 26 and i am 27. We have 3 kids ages 8, 6 and 5 and i am also 7 months pregnant.

Follow me if you can i know this may be a lot to process...

We met very young and i instantly knew this was the man i was going to marry and he knew the same about me. We went through plenty of rocky stages as most young teenage couples do, but always came back to each other. We have the type of relationship where it feels like no matter how hard things get we cant picture ever "completely" leaving each other. We have spewed venom at each other countless times..swore we were done...packed our shit and none the less...always...always...always end up in tears back to one another stronger than ever. This just seems like a never ending battle of some sort of crazy love that i myself cannot understand. It's like neither of us can picture not having each other...he is my world..my best friend and i am his. Most of our marriage is great..but when it's bad, it's bad. Yet we cant leave...just cant.

Fast forward to sometime in June. Hubby starts going out every weekend. Starts not coming home some weekends...says he is just trying to get it out of his system now before the baby comes. Ok fine..i set guidelines stating he must not sleep away from home. He follows for a bit n then does it again. I suspect cheating but he swears absolutely not. So i investigate to see if his nights "at his buddies" are legit. I follow him n check for my own piece of mind. I find nothing...nothing. just 3 men playing cards, drinking and listening to music. Ok..cool. he isnt cheating. So i think...things continue but get worse. He is moody, distant, not the man i know so one night i check his texts and find plenty from another woman. She is calling him baby, telling him things will be alright soon, telling him she would like to go out to the bars sometime etc...i confront him and he admits right away but feeds me some bullshit line something like "yeah, if you wanna call texting another girl i only met once "cheating" then yeah..i cheated" walks away and shuts me out. I cried and cried and lost my damn mind. That was May 1st...in the days since i found out this EA lasted 3 months. Supposedly was never physical but who the hell knows. I got tested for STD's...all clear. So anyways...almost finished..

The part that is killing me the most is although it seems all contact has stopped with the OW, he still leaves me alone and pregnant with our 3 kids every weekend. He comes home for a couple hours and then goes again until sunday afternoons he always comes home and then stays home the whole week besides going to work. He works crazy long hours and gets home around 7 p.m. most nights sometimes earlier. I have spoke to him about how lonely i am, i have begged, i have cried, i have given him the cold shoulder, i have been a complete bitch...nothing works. He stays the same. We hardly talk anymore and its killing me. He was my best friend for 13 years..he is the love of my life. He swears he still loves me, swears he could never leave. Periodically send me sappy texts from work stating he knows he is wrong and is so sorry blah blah blah..but the behavior is still there. I am losing my damn mind. Why is he doing this to me?? I know he loves me..i know so many of you will say "Uhh wake up this man doesnt love you" but i swear i know he does. Nobody could ever understand our relationship unless you were in it. But i just dont get it...when will this stop..what do i have to do to get him to miss me like im missing him so terribly?? Do i text him while he's gone? Do i ignore him? Do i talk to him? Should i still be initiate sex with him or let him come to me? Do i speak to him when he's home or give him the cold shoulder. I just dont know what to do. Im not ready to call it quits so please dont say thats what i need to do. Im looking more for advice on how to win him back from this lifestyle that is apparently swallowing him up...how do i act? What do i do?? I just want him to come back to me and soon because im so damn lonely. I miss him..the old him. Im afraid if i shut him out he will just go back and have another EA. And im afraid if i suck it up and play kiss ass to get him back he will see how weak i am and continue to walk all over me. Please..someone tell me what i need to do :'( I can hardly sleep, eating is a challenge and i force myself just to feed our unborn son. I put a smile on all day for my kids and nobody see's any change in me..i can hold it together pretty well. But once the kids are in bed, i fall apart and lose it...every single night. I am so lost...

Thank you again...holy shit that was long. Please forgive the rambling. I needed to get that out...so glad i found this forum.

Chinadoll30 posted 6/14/2014 14:24 PM

You can not change him. He is his own person with his own choices. And sadly, the choices he is making are hurtful and destructive. There is NOTHING you can do to change him. No one can tell you how to act to get him to change. He needs to want to change, and it appears he does not. Stop trying to be in the relationship enough for both of you. It doesn't work out. Trust me, I've tried. He may love you, in his way, but that way is hurtful and damaging. You need to take care of who you can. YOU. It's time to stop thinking about him and start thinking about you. If nights are tough, can you have some friends over? Do you have some girlfriends you can talk to? A moms group? What makes you happy? The answer can not be him. When you focus on yourself and make yourself happy, maybe you will find that you don't NEED him. A relationship based on NEED will never be equal. I know this is so tough. I hear your suffering and struggle. And I feel for you.

Losconang15 posted 6/14/2014 14:59 PM

I didn't read the pp but my story is very similar. We've been together for 14 years married 7, 2 kids, high school sweethearts etc. Things for the most part are always great. He completes my thoughts, we finish each other sentences, like similar things, etc you name it, we have it together. He got a new job almost 2 years ago and there was a coworker that made my red flags go immediately up. I told him the same thing, he became distant, things didn't add up for me but in fear of pushing him more in that dirextion I let up and just took it all. All the things you've mentioned, and are doing I did. We are 5 months out from DD when I found out their EA started going PA. Kissing was started and my world fell apart. I had told him many times that this was going down a bad road. All to which he denied and even said he had stopped talking to her. Bullshit at its finest. Having looked back and how I handled the situation, I didn't derserve going thru all the stress, sleepless nights, falling asleep from crying, depression, loneliness, fear, insecurity, etc. I SHOULD HAVE PUT MY FOOT DOWN. I should've given myself more respect. I should've put my kids and MYSELF first. He was a jerk and an asshole for putting me thru it all. I suggest you really think about the future and how much you're willing on putting up with. If he follows like my WH, he won't stop. You will continue driving yourself crazy and convincing yourself you are the one that's wrong. Until you step your boundaries and limits and consequences, he will not take you seriously AT ALL. I know that from experience now. We are R and doing as well as we can be from having gone thru this, but next time I start feeling this way and he starts this crap again, he can close the door behind him. I don't deserve what I went thru. I deserve more credit and mainly more respect.

shiloe posted 6/14/2014 15:05 PM

From my experience, he is up to no good most likely.

You need to do some investigation.

VAR his car. Get enough posts here to get access to the investigative forum.

Read there on ways to spy.

DO NOT let him know in anyway you will be investigating him.

Good luck.

missingmyhubby posted 6/14/2014 15:11 PM

I just dont know how to take care of "me". My kids are well taken care of and i never allow my misery to show in front of them nor do i allow them to suffer in any shape or form from any of this. It's covered up very well to save them any heartache. I just cant figure out how to stop focusing on him. All i want is him and his time and thats all i can seem to care about. It's eating me up inside. I just dont know what to do.

Skan posted 6/14/2014 16:09 PM

As long as you pursue him, he will allow you to do so. And do what he damn well pleases. As long as you want him more than he wants you, he has the power.

So please. Stop. Just stop. What do you have to lose, since he's already gone other than the fact that his clothing is still here?

Stop pursuing him. Look in the upper left corner, in the yellow box, and Click on The Healing Library. Read it, especially the FAQs. In there, you will find a description of the 180. This is a way for YOU to detach, not to bring him to heel, but for YOU to figure out what you need to be healthy and whole. Discuss nothing with him other than child care and finances. And when I say discuss child care, I mean you set a schedule when HE takes care of HIS children and you get a break.

I'd toss him out of the bedroom too. If he doesn't want to live like a married man vice a come-and-go roommate, then close the bakery and let him fend for himself. He isn't treating you like his beloved wife. He's treating you like a poorly paid maid/child sitter. So FTG. You're entitled to a room of your own and time off of your own.

This sounds drastic, I know. But please, please trust me in that you cannot nice a wayward back. It doesn't work. It's like bribing a child to shut up in the grocery store. You may make it out of there by offering a candy bar the first time, but the time after that and after that, you are going to have to increase the "bribe" to keep them from melting down. Because they know that they have the power scream loud enough and mommy will reward you. Putting your foot down immediately, removing them from the store, and letting them scream their lungs out in the car while you ignore them is far easier to do the very first time, than after they think that they can outlast you.

(((hugs))) Keep posting. We're all here for you.

krsplat posted 6/14/2014 17:26 PM

MMH, I am literally old enough to be your mom, so I am going to talk you as I would to my own girl. Look at the title of your post, honey. If you can't do it any more, then DON"T do it.

I hate to say it, but it is likely that he is betraying you sexually as well as emotionally. Nearly every BS on this forum can tell you the same story: he said it wasn't physical. Well it was, but only once. Or four times. But it was only sex. Well, maybe he said 'I love you' to her but he didn't mean it. And so on, and so on... Cheaters lie. And lie and lie and lie. Find out the truth.

As for this:

what do i have to do to get him to miss me like im missing him so terribly?? Do i text him while he's gone? Do i ignore him? Do i talk to him? Should i still be initiate sex with him or let him come to me? Do i speak to him when he's home or give him the cold shoulder. I just don't know what to do.

As other posters have said. There is NOTHING you can do to change him. Not one single thing. You can accept your situation for what it is and let him continue to treat you like sh*t.

OR you can change your own actions and start treating YOURSELF the way you deserve to be treated.

Read up on the 180. It is NOT a tool to make your unremorsful WH come back to you. It is a tool to make yourself stronger, to start living life in a way that makes you feel better about yourself regardless of what your asshat of a husband does or does not do.

I KNOW how hard this is, honey. I KNOW how much it hurts. And I am so sorry. You deserve so much better. Please start caring for yourself as well as you do for you kids and your WH.

(((mmh)))

Better4it posted 6/14/2014 17:31 PM

Hi MMH,-I agree with Skan^^^^. Start the 180 today(yesterday). My story is similar to yours. My WW is my HS Sweetheart. We've been through it all. I too learned the hard way. The harder I tried to fix my wife and my M the further my WW became. Unfortunately I've endured 4 d-days. We've been through MC and IC. The biggest help to save my M was here on SI. As soon as I changed me by no longer chasing my wife and working on me. My WW caught on that I was done letting her call the shots. I became cold towards her. Acted as if I could care less about her and her wayward ways. It took me asking for separation and leaving for my WW to finally come to terms with her WS thinking. My W traded sex for validation. All due to her childhood issues with an absent FIL.

It's not to late to save your M. My advice is start the 180. Give your H your demands if he wants to R. Put into place your boundaries and expectations. He doesn't get to have his freedom to come and go like he did before he decided to have his EA or PA. Also seek out an IC. You're going to need it to help navigate through this roller coaster.

Christy516 posted 6/15/2014 00:05 AM

Before i knew about the A there were signs. My WH was not away as much as yours but spent much more time out of the house than he ever had. Late home from work almost every night. Out with the "guys". Band practices that used to be twice a week were now 3-4 times a week and twice as long. I didn't see what was right in front of me and even called in to a popular radio talk show seeking advice.

The advice I was given was simple. My H was immature, selfish and obviously having an affair. My choices were only two. I could continue to make it comfortable for him to act like a teenage boy (in other words i was "mommy" keeping the home fires burning and eeverything running while he played) or i could stop it. Anytime i wanted. I could stop letting him use me. I couldn't stop him from his actions but i could choose to not be a part of it any longer.

I actually never had to make that decision withoit conformation of the A because coincidentally my DDay was later that night and that changed everything. But those are really your only two choices. Accept it. Accept that he has lost respect for you and his M. Or say "no more" and have him leave, or at minimum refuse to make his life comfortable. No meals, no laundry, no emotional support, no anything.

I hope you choose you. I like to think i would have but i don't really know. I made a lot of mistakes in the beginning that caused me pain that didn' t have to happen. I wish i had found this site sooner!

Hang in there. It's a tough road but there are people on here who have been through it and will help you. It does get better. But any type of healing can't start while the behavior is still going on.

missingmyhubby posted 6/15/2014 06:55 AM

Thank you all for your kind words and support. It's just really hard to accept that my life isn't the same. This is not how things were supposed to go. Days like today we would normally spend fishing with the kids or shopping together and none of that will include me (mainly because i have to work, but even if i didn't, i don't believe this Father's Day would be the same celebration it used to be) I just crave the life we used to have and it hurts. I miss the family life and it's long gone. I am so lost and it seems so impossible that things will get better. I feel like no matter how hard i try i'll be stuck in pain and misery...i will post more later. Thank you all again.

happyman64 posted 6/15/2014 07:13 AM

MMH

Setup a plan. Start it after the baby is born.

If he does not step up after the baby is born implement the plan.

A. See an attorney to know your rights.
B. Give him his first warning letter. Explain your feelings and ask him to rejoin the marriage and family.
C. Give him a few weeks to step up.
D. If he does not have him served.
E. If that does not get his attention then his attention is elsewhere.

Stay focused on you your health and the kids.

HM

lmf9 posted 6/15/2014 11:24 AM

I'm still pretty new here and still trying to navigate through my own pain and disappointment but our stories are so similar, I had to comment. I've been with my WH about the same amount of time, our children are close in age, and I'm 7+ months pregnant also. The advice that others have given you so far is the same advice that I was given, and let me tell you, it's the best advice I've ever received. I still love him and the pregnancy doesn't make it the best time to have to make these life changing decisions, but the decisions and changes still have to be made. I had to realize that I can't save this marriage alone and that's exactly what I've tried to do. I convinced my self that he loves me because he provides for us, is a great father, and comes home at night; even though he makes me feel like crap by talking to other women from time to time and by ignoring me most of the time when he is home. I had to realize that he loves me as much as he knows how but it's definitely not enough. He is currently sleeping in another room, I'm in counseling (we started together but he's not committed to it, so I continued going alone), I'm currently following the 180 in the healing library to learn how to take care of myself because that was hard for me to do as well, I've spoken to an attorney, and I've gotten STD tested several times. It's not easy and some days are better than others, but it does get a little easier everyday. I'm getting stronger and placing more value on myself. My life and happiness are not totally tied into him anymore and I won't allow that to happen ever again until he is willing to give that much to me. If that never happens, I'm ok with that too. I'll be able to move on and be happy and healthy for myself and my kids. Hugs!!!!

Mochagurl posted 6/15/2014 12:40 PM

You can't love him back. And you can't love the marriage enough for the both of you. I have tried. We too were high school sweethearts. I was lonely with little kids and hubby who was working. He was my life.

Well my WS has had 4+affairs. The first one was around the 7th year of marriage.

Get strong, look at your options. Do the 180, and work on you. It's so very hard cuz he is the only thing you know. Join some moms groups.

Where exactly does he say he is going on the weekends? It's really not fair that he has brought these kids into the world and just disappears like that. Regardless of what he is up to. And it's probably cheating I am sorry to say.

Read my profile, your life could turn out like mine. Try to eat and drink and take care of yourself. Someone has to be mature and the adult for your children. PM me if you need any support.

missingmyhubby posted 6/15/2014 14:37 PM

Why is it that good advice is so hard to take and follow through with?? I can read every single piece of advice everyone gives me and take it and hot iron it into my brain and yet i can't do any of it! It's like my head is saying "wake up and take control" And my heart is saying "it will get better, wait it out"...

I found myself writing him a sweet sappy "Happy Father's Day" text this morning and i actually sent it! What the hell is wrong with me?? Why would i be so stupid to give him a huge ego boost? It didn't hit me that is was a big stupid mistake until the reply i got was "thanks". I wanted to slap myself and scream at the same time. He didn't deserve my kind words. Not one damn bit. But it's said and done and now i feel beyond stupid.

So here i am...still at work for 4 more hours trying to decide on my "plan" of how i'm going to act when i get home. As of now my plan is to walk in and give my kiddos my full attention...pay no attention to him (normally i would ask how his day was...check if he needed anything done and sit and watch tv in my own bubble of misery) but tonight i want to be "different" i don't know how to go about doing that quite yet but we'll see. It honestly takes every bit of self control i have not to kiss him at night, not to be nice and act like i don't need him, not to shower and get sexy for him (he loves that) and go to the bedroom, because i know it makes him weak at the knees...but i wont...i just cant give him the benefit having me right now. I cant say i know for sure i would turn him down if he asked for intimacy...but i'd like to think i can drive him crazy by getting sexy and not offering.

Gosh i miss him though.The other day I told him he doesn't deserve me and never deserved how much i love him. He said "not gonna lie..that hurt" ...it was a moment of happiness for me. I thought "good, you s.o.b." ...i wish i could find more things to say that could hit him where it hurts and tug on his heart strings a little more. Sounds pathetic but i'm at a point where i want him to hurt like i hurt...

Ahhh well...i guess i'm done pointlessly rambling for now. Thanks again for all your support everyone!

missingmyhubby posted 6/15/2014 16:24 PM

Ohh and to add to my last post...will the 180 backfire in my face? I am still trying to make this marriage work if possible but i feel like a good deal of those things will make him crave attention and go back to contacting the OW or heaven forbid a new OW. I am going to give it a try regardless but i'm worried :-( what if this does more harm than good??

nomistakeaboutit posted 6/15/2014 16:28 PM

One thing you can be sure of. He will never hurt like you're hurting. He has no idea of the pain he has caused you....and doesn't seem to care to much either.

lmf9 posted 6/15/2014 17:50 PM

I thought that way at first but I realized that being the wife of the millennium wasn't keeping him from seeking out these outside relationships anyway so I decided that I could no longer give him that much power over my happiness and health, and that I needed to take my power back. The 180 is for you and my understanding of it's function is to give you the tools to help you to move forward in a healthy way, and if it happens to make him realize what he's losing with his continued actions and he changes, then great. If not, you'll at least be in a better place for you and your kids; with or without him, that's the place that your kids are going to need you to be.

homewrecked2011 posted 6/15/2014 18:04 PM

If you can get the book - Love Must Be Tough -- by Dr. James Dobson, it will really put things in perspective for you FAST. Even just chapter 1 and 2. He says you must NOT be nice and a pushover. He very clearly spells out what is going on in the mind of the WS (even if it's emotional only). This book literally saved my mind and helped me how to deal with a spouse who was like a drug addict with the OW.

We ended up divorced, but it didn't have to be that way. When he said he wanted to come home, I said "Only with marriage counseling, because I want it ALL. The great marriage and family". But you see, he wouldn't do this, because he couldn't break free from her....

The author of the book says you've got a golden chance to knock your H off the fence and wake him up, but you REALLY need to move fast. Please get this book from the library or online, but do NOT tell him about it.

It also tells why the 180 works.
He says he rarely sees a pleading person get the spouse to change. It usually takes a Huge Blowout -- but not a fight--- to wake them up.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 6:05 PM, June 15th (Sunday)]

yearsofpain25 posted 6/15/2014 18:05 PM

Hi missingmyhubby. I just saw your question on the 180 out in general which led me here. I'm very sorry you are going through this. You have gotten some good advice so far. I have to agree with Skan. This guy is walking all over you. This....

i confront him and he admits right away but feeds me some bullshit line something like "yeah, if you wanna call texting another girl i only met once "cheating" then yeah..i cheated" walks away and shuts me out.

This is what is referred to as gaslighting. It's what a wayward does to make you think that you are crazy.

Anyway, to answer your question from General on the 180 and to give you the official welcome suite of links that you should read up on, you can find most of the abbreviations here in the upper left corner in the Healing Library. Please check that section out if you have not done so already.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/library.asp

You received this link in General to for the 180 which is designed for you to detach, can be found under BS FAQ here:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

And more 180 info under the target thread here:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=232785

I would also recommend reading these target threads in the Just Found Out forum:

Tactical Primer
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=235051

Great Posts for Newbies to Read
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=361740

Boundaries and Consequences 101 for all new BS
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=385631

Before You Say Reconcile...
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=406548

20/20 Hindsight: What I should have done when I Just Found Oud
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=446349

Honey, they always affair down
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=326449

Also, please read these as well as prep for any sort of upcoming confrontation that you may have with the OW that he's been texting with.
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/no_contact.asp

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/boundaries.asp

Unfortunately as some of the other's said, he has most likely gone PA with her. Very gently here, you need to get yourself tested for STDs. Very unpleasant thought I realize, but a necessary caution for yourself. And do not have sex with him again until you see his results as well.

will the 180 backfire in my face? I am still trying to make this marriage work if possible but i feel like a good deal of those things will make him crave attention and go back to contacting the OW or heaven forbid a new OW. I am going to give it a try regardless but i'm worried :-( what if this does more harm than good??

The 180 is not to use to drive his behavior. It is for you to detach and get mentally stronger. Mentally you are not in a good place and need to get yourself strong so that you can make better decisions. Stop trying to drive him crazy by being sexy. Stop any sort of behavior that you think you are doing to get a desired response from him. It will not work. It sounds very much like he is in the fog of his A and is going to continue to be there. He's using you. Please make it stop.

Sending you strength and courage to get you through. Keep reading. Keep posting.

yop

missingmyhubby posted 6/15/2014 20:53 PM

Thank you for the feed back ^^^^ i assume it has gone physical as well. I'm just afraid to start the 180 to get myself in a better place and then have him take off because i have done so and end up getting crushed all over again. This all seems so hard and impossible. I feel like i don't see a bright future either way and thats so depressing to say. What is wrong with me?? Why can't i just hate him for what he's done and continues to do??? Cheating should have been enough to leave his sorry selfish ass but yet here i am hanging on to every possible ounce of hope...