I agree, most days I don't focus my energy on the OW because they are lowlife sad people, who don't deserve the satisfaction of thinking they still get into our world. But every once in a while I still think about them and get angry with their actions and their ability to walk away from the situation without remorse or regret.
Here's what I explained to my H yesterday. I realize that he was the one who owed me fidelity and let me down, but they were accomplices in doing so. If this were a murder trial instead of an infidelity recovery, would the AP not be on trial as well for their part in the murder? How is an A any different in that respect?
They were willing and able to hurt another human being, and they should be held accountable for their actions as well. I compared it to a bully in school, yes there will be bullies everywhere however we teach our children not to simply accept their behavior but stand up against it, hold them accountable and hopefully see consequences for the actions...so why are we expected to let it go and not focus at all on them, when it's an OW (a couple of his were bullies as well!)? I do think they should be held accountable for their actions, whether they know the BS or not...they did something that was damaging to a family, to another human being.
While I realize it was the WS who allowed this to happen, and the AP really could have been anyone...I get that. But if the AP was aware of a spouse existing, then they are accountable for hurting another human being as well and there should be consequences. My H has this same feeling in a sense now. He has had to suffer, be remorseful and prove himself to me while the AP have gotten to walk away with no consequences. It's frustrating, but I remind myself that while they seemingly had no consequences for having the A, they still had to compromise themselves, be broken/sad/low self esteem people and be used by my H...that can't feel good, it certainly doesn't feel good to be married to someone who could do that, so it can't feel much better to be the person he used and then tossed aside. I try to remind myself that from their perspectives, they may feel very used, foolish, disgusted by how things played out...I hope they do, I do hope they learned something, but mostly I hope that they never do this to another person.
I did hold them accountable. I sent each and every one of them a letter telling them exactly what the As were about for H a couple months after Dday. I told them how he truly felt about them, but also that we were focused on moving forward in a life where we choose to focus on our family and not allowing them in. And then I told them I forgive them for their actions. I told them I realized that the As were not about them, they were about H and his issues. I told them that had it not been them, it would have been someone else and minimized their 'specialness' in the situation and that for those reasons I chose to let go of any focus on them, because it was never about them. Maybe they took it to heart, but more than likely they didn't....it's not my problem....I stood up to the bullies, even if nothing further gets done about it, I said my peace.
It's hard not to feel like you want consequences for her actions, but the problem is - it will never be enough. For the pain and suffering they have caused with the WS's actions, a job loss or whatever else comes her way will never feel like satisfaction or good enough. Hurting someone in return for the hurt they caused you never works, it only causes you to suffer further or compromise yourself and your values. I'm sure somehow, some way she is suffering even if you don't see it. The fact that you're calling her a whore is proof of that - that is a title that she earned with her actions, and someone who leads a life of deceit and lies likely hasn't just done it with the A...she probably suffers in other ways as well that you don't see. This might sound weird, but try feeling sad for her instead of angry. I feel sad for these people, it's really sad that they are in the place they are in their lives...I'm glad I'm in a much better place, and I am above all of this. I haven't compromised my morals, my beliefs or myself...they did, and that's sad.
Oh my, I think I just earned the 'rant' title...sorry, not trying to t/j just trying to throw in some ideas and perspective since I think we've all been there. Hope it helps!
