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how do you stop asking q?

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littlemiss1 posted 6/14/2014 16:31 PM

My problem is questions, I ask sooo many I drive myself crazy.

My husband had a fumble for 12weeks, escaping problems stress,anxiety depression issues.
Guilt completely ate him up n confessed.

I asked hundreds of questions, he's been honest and patient and answered them all.

We are only 8weeks from d day so I know it's early.
I feel I know it all, how often where when they met. Details of sex, truly heartbreaking but he told me.

I feel I know it all,and want to leave it behind now.

Everyday though I ask more questions, he answers kindly,patiently and is so very sorry. I want to stop asking them so frequently.
I mean now and then if I trigger.ok . But I ask such stupid questions that don't even matter really.

How do you stop yourself from asking?or it going through your head?

I want to reconcile, I want to remain married, I see he does too.
He's treating me like a queen .

I can see my question s hurt him,it constantly reminds him if what he's done.
Sometimes yes I'm glad it hurts him,reminds him but for the most part I want to stop and find happiness again

i want to let it go? Any advice? Xx

[This message edited by littlemiss1 at 4:33 PM, June 14th (Saturday)]

Lowlow posted 6/14/2014 16:41 PM

Ask all the questions you need. I'm 16 months out and I still have questions. Ask away. That's the only way you will get closure

Gently, I'm a bit concerned about the way you describing it as a fumble. A three month affair, depressed or not, is not a fumble. It is a choice he made over and over. Most depressed people don't self soothe with affairs. He has bad boundaries and likely a huge sense of self entitlement... And more issues that he needs to dig deep to resolve. Do not minimize things or your marriage will never survive.

Lots of luck on your journey. Please ask all the questions you need.

[This message edited by Lowlow at 5:10 PM, June 14th (Saturday)]

I think I can posted 6/14/2014 17:08 PM

Yup. You'll be done when you're done.

devasted30 posted 6/14/2014 17:30 PM

I agree keep asking until you don't ask any more. There is a reason you keep asking. You probably need reassurance and it's the "wow" factor. You need to hear it and hear it and hear it until you absorb it and it no longer shocks you.

Ostrich80 posted 6/14/2014 18:06 PM

I stopped when he quit answering..not good for R.
Not saying I didn't have hundreds of questions, I desperately wanted answers to. I think its good he's answering and DD has been pretty recent, so maybe your still processing it all.

Hatemyhusband posted 6/14/2014 18:08 PM

Your brain needs to process and absorb the info. I do think and wonder what it was like during the hook ups. I have lots of answers and aske lots of questions but I know asking intimate details will scar me. I won't be able to stop the visualization so I don't ask and push away my wondering.
I'll let him live w daily images. He created them. I don't want them

Hatemyhusband posted 6/14/2014 18:09 PM

Your brain needs to process and absorb the info. I do think and wonder what it was like during the hook ups. I have lots of answers and aske lots of questions but I know asking intimate details will scar me. I won't be able to stop the visualization so I don't ask and push away my wondering.
I'll let him live w daily images. He created them. I don't want them

Gotmegood posted 6/14/2014 18:35 PM

I am 10 months from DDay and I'm still asking, and I feel entitled to. What happened in my marriage was the biggest shock of my life. Also, it was not anything that I could have seen on my radar screen. I was lied to and deceived. Now certainly, I don't ask as much. In fact, I may ask 'why' until the day I die.
Have to comment also on the term 'fumble'. Fumble like an unintentional error? My fWH was stressed and depressed too. But no way was his calculated betrayal a 'mistake' or a fumble. It was badly thought out, but nonetheless a purposefully executed plan.

purplejacket4 posted 6/14/2014 19:29 PM

When you feel like you know all the answers you'll stop. It probably took me 10 months to stop but ovcasdionally something still comes up and I'm 33 months out.

iwillNOT posted 6/14/2014 20:01 PM

I know it's exhausting to have the affair in mind constantly, thinking about it, wondering, trying to make it fit and figure it out. Why, how could he, trying to make sense of it all and get to the point of "all done now" with the questions.

Where you are now, is completely normal. At 10 months out I still think of the affair several times a day AT LEAST. The intensity of emotion and the need to question has greatly lessened, but I do still ask questions as I need. Sometimes I will wait a couple of days to see if it's a question that keeps circling and won't go away, but if I really need to,, I always ask. This is how we process what happened and how we heal.

I sense from your post that you want this process done now, you seem to be minimizing your husbands choices as a "fumble", he is treating you well now so let's just move on. I am sorry if this is incorrect. I would encourage you not to sweep this under the rug, like I did with my WH's first affair. It's only going to happen again if you don't demand he address how and why he could do this to you, with some serious and lengthy introspection, reading, discussion, individual counseling. And for you, your grief and trauma and need to understand must be honored if you are to heal. In my experience and the experience of mAny others here, if you push away your questions and try to move on before you are ready, it will backfire on you, and surface again and again.

I know you asked advice on how to let it go. My advice is, honor your need to ask and when you don't need to anymore, you will let it go.

brkn_heartd posted 6/14/2014 20:30 PM

I asked so many questions in the beginning too. I know my husband felt like I was firing a machine gun at him. When I started asking the question you are asking, I set a rule for myself and it actually worked fairly well to get to the next stage. If I had a question, I waited three days. If I still had the question three days later, I would ask it. If I needed to ask it three days later, I would ask. Obviously, if I didn't remember it 3 days later, it wasn't asked, but it helped me to distinguish between what I needed to know and what was a "flight of questions" that really didn't need to be asked.

It helped me to ask only what I needed too, but decreased the question firing squad.

jendo posted 6/14/2014 21:56 PM

I'm just a few weeks ahead of you and my questioning is slowing a little, but still asking. Still working through and processing. Asking the same questions over and over sometimes too. Honestly it has been good for WH in some ways too. He needs to process too. He needs to understand what happened just like I do. I do try to ask questions at certain non threatening times. At night when he's holding me in the dark is a good time- he's honest, no distractions, and we are relaxed. Sometimes I text him a question. If I think of something and it isn't a good time I write myself a note. My WH has been good about answering too. Thankfully.

Deanna posted 6/14/2014 22:59 PM

At around two and a half years my husband stopped answering questions. Said if I couldn't get over it he had to leave. We would get in terrible fights with us both crying for hours. I know people on here don't agree but not asking questions stopped the daily pain. I had asked the same questions over and over and was just pain shopping.

littlemiss1 posted 6/15/2014 01:05 AM

Thanks for all your comments it's amazing how much it make sense and helps.

Wh has never described it as a fumble, it was a full on affair I just hate that word! I'm not in denial or anything I know it was nasty,deceitful and he was a shot!plus he was cold and distant with me when I needed him the most.
He's started counselling and he's 100% into honesty,transparency mainly without me asking for it.

He never minds me asking I just soemtomes ask and already know the answer because I've asked it or it's a silly question .

I know its early days, its just we have a new born baby and I just want to have the odd day of not asking!!I really like your 3day rule if it's Still buzzing around then,then ask away.
I might try that.

Im done asking about the important things to me,the sex details,the why,when and how's.
But I think I do obsess ie yesterday we drove past a place they sometimes met for a chat - he'd told me what they talked about,what they did etc the big things and yesterday I wanted to know where she parked her car?!i mean things like that don't matter?! Never the less he told Me but it was obvious anyway of I just thought about it!

I did I. The beginning ask the same question over and over until I felt I understood or that it was answered fully and I was happy with.

I know I have every right to ask questions, I'm the one that's been hurt and betrayed.

But talking about it seems to hurt him more, ie he sobs and says how sorry he is.
And begs for a chance to prove himself to me.

I believe he's sorry,I can see he's sorry ,yes he made his bed and now he has to lay in it, just sometimes I feel Im torturing him.
After he's answered my questions he's physically exhausted. Which is why some days I feel he,I and we need a break from all my questions .

Just a day off from it I guess to enjoy our precious son xx

Lovedyoumore posted 6/15/2014 18:29 PM

Quit worrying about him and his pain. You need to take care of yourself and your baby. He is a big boy with big boy problems. He may be in true pain over this, but he needs to fight for you and your trust. He can answer your questions.

In order to take a break, write them on a pad of paper when you think of one and ask later. I have three legal pads of questions from the past three years. I still write one down occasionally. But, really, ask what you need for as long as you need. You have a lot to process and hurrying through it will not help in the long run.

iwillNOT posted 6/15/2014 22:28 PM

Little miss, what about a conscious break? A couple of times when we were in the thick of the "constant questions" time, when I was exhausted from asking questions and thinking about things, and he was ragged from it too- I suggested that we just "float" for the weekend. With the proviso that if I became very upset about something, we would talk about it, but otherwise we just tried to be together, be loving, do family stuff. It worked wonders to help remember that we loved each other and kind of helped us rest up, I guess. I know my WH said he felt like he didn't always have to be "on point" and ready for the next question.

Also, I eventually got to the point that I was able to thank him for " staying with me" emotionally with the questions or when I would be angry or sad or breakdown, and to just let him know how much it helped. It gave him more stamina and motivation to know he was truly helping.

Also, have you thought about the fact that if you don't ask things because you can see him hurting, and he begs for the chance to prove himself- I believe that to become truly remorseful for the long term, a wayward needs to see and feel the depth and breadth of what they caused. If you don't allow him to fully feel the impact, pain, shame of what he chose and what he did to you, you might be depriving him of truly changing and healing as much as possible. After an affair, the wayward must walk directly through the fire, just like the betrayed one, to get to the other side.

I am so glad for you both that he is working on himself and trying to heal your relationship and take responsibility. I wish you both the best in this marathon.

norabird posted 6/15/2014 22:45 PM

At eight weeks, keep asking away. Maybe limit it to certain times if that helps your work on R--but don't stuff your questions away. You need to ask them as part of the healing process and your WH needs to be patient and understanding and to help work you through this. Otherwise you will only rug sweep and suffer for it later.

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