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How could he?

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stunnedmullet posted 6/14/2014 21:05 PM

I just can't get past this hurt? How did I matter so very little to him during that time that he could do this to me? Will this pain ever go away?

I can't imagine a point where the knowledge of his lack of caring for me goes away

It just hurts so much

courageous posted 6/14/2014 21:40 PM


I think that is a question that all of us have had. In my situation, he wasn't thinking about me at all. He was extremely selfish and mean. Even when our DS called him while he was in a hotel room with mow/cow, DS was crying and asking him when he was going to come home. Exwh was able to get off the phone and have sex with mow (this was during the A before I knew about it).

The pain eventually subsides. I don't know if it ever goes away but it is not very often any more.

Gemini71 posted 6/14/2014 22:05 PM

Eventually you realize that you deserve better, and the pain turns to anger. I'm 10 months out and currently in the "disappointed at the piss poor human being he has become" stage.

It does get better. I don't know if it ever goes away fully, but it won't always be the searing agony of heart break.


JustOneMoreDay posted 6/14/2014 23:22 PM


I don't know the answer. I ask myself the same thing all the time. How could he? How could he? How could he? My Dday is close to yours so I hear you and i understand. This hurts like hell. ALL THE TIME.

Gotmegood posted 6/15/2014 00:13 AM

For me, "why" was the first question that drove me crazy. Okay, you were depressed and under horrible and disappointing financial stressors,so WHY did you think screwing a prostitute, who by the way wouldn't tell you what time it was unless you paid it to, would make you feel better about yourself? Now, I'm stuck on the "HOW could you" question, just like you describe. How could you do that to me? To us? And I've asked fWH millions of times. He has no good answer. I do believe that in his complete selfishness he never considered the pain his actions, lies, deceit and immorality would inflict upon me. I have to believe that to stay.

inshockandhurt posted 6/15/2014 00:15 AM

Right there with you stunned. hugs

Razor posted 6/15/2014 00:49 AM

I dont tend to sugar coat things.

I think SOME pain will always be there for all of us. This is a *life event* and as such it dramatically changes us and the path of our life. We are changed forever. And the direction we had planned for our life is altered.

Its horrible that this happened to us. We suffered tremendous abuse at the hands of the one person that we trusted above all others. Trust is damaged. For me trust is closely tied to love and so the feelings I have for WW are altered and diminished.

This has changed how I view humanity in general. I am much more cynical now. It may be hard to believe but I was an optimist before all this happened.

With all that said. I believe we all have to come to a point of acceptance regarding our being betrayed. The betrayal happened. Theres nothing we can do to make it un-happen. Whether we stay with our WS or not we still much come to acknowledge that being betrayed by this most trusted one is part of our past. It is part of the story of our life. It has altered us. But in acceptance is power.

We can grow and learn from this experience and from it can become stronger and better people. I have become much more empathetic than I ever was before. I am in closer touch with my emotions. I am changed. In some ways scarred and ruined. But in others stronger and more complex and with greater depth of character.

You will get through this. Many times you will feel that you cannot go on. But the truth is that even in those times you actually CAN go on. There really isnt any other choice. We bought a ticket to this merry-go-round and theres no getting off until the ride is through.

Some days are hard. More than hard. Panic attacks. Feeling like ants crawling under your skin. PTSD triggers. Throwing up. All kinds of related health problems. Lack of concentration. Yes. Ive been there and done all that. And Im still standing. Im here and Im moving forward with my life.

And you will reach this place too. Its a hard path and there is no short cut. And in the end it really doesnt matter if you stay with your WS or not because the battles you have to fight are all with yourself. Those battles will happen if your WS is with you or not.

You will come out of this. KNOW that there is an end to the pain. There WILL be a day when you are ok again. You will be fine. In some ways you will be better but that *better* comes at a price.

Twotimesucker posted 6/15/2014 05:51 AM

Incredibly well put razor!

tfkeel posted 6/15/2014 07:50 AM

I do believe that in his complete selfishness he never considered the pain his actions, lies, deceit and immorality would inflict upon me.

I tried that, initially. However, my fWW proved to me, through the coming months, that I just was not
a "consideration" at all.

That's when I ended any further intimacy with her.
I stayed in the home physically and financially because of extreme circumstances but became her "roommate" and not her husband.

currently in the "disappointed at the piss poor human being he has become"

I went through that stage too, but I arrived at the "piss poor human being she always was" stage.

[This message edited by tfkeel at 7:53 AM, June 15th (Sunday)]

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