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DD2 - Father's Day

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Alonelyagain posted 6/16/2014 00:10 AM

I'm a BH in limbo for several years. AP was a cop in my small town. During course of affair, pos cop vandalized my car and filed false report, and burglarized my car and had fellow officer file false report to cover-up. On DD1, WW, after talking to pos cop, stated that my 3 kids would be taken away from me if I reported this his bosses. Unfortunately did not report. WW told me that AP was fearful of losing job and dropped her.

Today, Father's Day, we had WW's father, and sister's family with 2 kids, over for day in the pool. I picked up her phone and found long string of text messages with pos AP, now retire. I freaked out, and told WW to leave in front of all. Screaming match ensued. WW's sister took my kids to her house. WW then threatened me with arrest. Being that there was no physical action on my part, I was fearful that WW and AP would get his cop buddies on force to lie for him again, and arrange for me to be falsely arrested. I beat WW to the punch and walked down to the police station and filed a complaint with internal affairs addressing most everything. Feels very good to get that load off my chest.

nekorb posted 6/16/2014 00:15 AM

Ugh. I'm so sorry. That just sucks royally.

Glad you got your complaint filed first.

SadInNC posted 6/16/2014 01:06 AM

Hey Alonelyagain. What a Father's Day, Huh? First of all, I'm sorry that you are dealing with this shit. Second, I am standing up and cheering for you right now! You went to the police station and told them everything. Good for you! Don't stand for that bullying anymore because you have the right to fight for your kids! You did nothing wrong. Time to stand up for yourself

It's probably been a looooong few years for you after covering up ww's affair and then the bullying that they did to you afterwards. I can't even imagine the self control that it must have taken you to stay calm. Especially after the threat that your 3 kids would be taken away. You know that was a lying bullshit move on their part just to get you to keep quiet.

Go and speak to the best lawyer in town first. Then go and have a consult with all of the good lawyers in town. Do it tomorrow! She won't be able to use any of them after you've done that

You're on the right track. Your heart will heal, too, and we are here for you. Keep posting.


Kajem posted 6/16/2014 05:16 AM

I recommend seeing a lawyer or three to get information on separation vs divorce, custody, etc. I would also ask about pursuing charged against OM.

My thoughts are the affair went underground instead of ending. Especially if he's contacting her.

yearsofpain25 posted 6/16/2014 07:53 AM

Very sorry that you find yourself back here Alonelyagain. Being in limbo for several years is not a good place to be. Sounds like the A went underground judging by your initial reg date.

Good that you went to the police and started filing complaints against AP. However, since your WW is still actively involved in her A, definitely time to lawyer up and keep ahead of her and her AP. Find out what your rights are both in regards to AP as well as filing for divorce. It's also good that the AP is now (if it wasn't before) out in the open with your family.

What about her AP's wife or SO? Does he have one? That would be my next move after the lawyer.

Which brings me to, since you are no longer in limbo and she is actively involved with her AP, what are your thoughts of S vs D in moving forwards. Obviously a lawyer can help with that, but what are your personal feelings on it? At the very minimum file for D. Can always be stopped later if WW comes around. If it's been this long though, doesn't sound like she's going to.


Alonelyagain posted 6/16/2014 07:58 AM

If the police's internal investigation corroborates the facts as I believe them to be, AP committed criminal coercion and burglary (presumably while armed with off duty gun) which carries a 5 year mandatory sentence in NJ.

Last night I told WW that I'd file for divorce unless immediate NC with AP. This morning, we went to pickup kids from WW's sister's house. I asked if AP contacted her last night. She said yes, and AP asked her to find out the contents of my complaint. I refused to tell her and reiterated NC. She then said she had to phase it out over time. I replied unacceptable, and she then intimated that AP may be a threat to us and our kids. When I first confronted her last night, she first said that I was misunderstanding the present situation because she can't get rid of him. I have my doubts about that, but will be watchful. There's something not right with AP's career with the police. He was passed over repeatedly for promotions, and retire at lowest level, an officer. From what I gathered years ago from WW, AP has an inferiority complex and believes that the relatively well off residents look down on him.

yearsofpain25 posted 6/16/2014 08:17 AM

she then intimated that AP may be a threat to us and our kids. When I first confronted her last night, she first said that I was misunderstanding the present situation because she can't get rid of him.

If that's true, and the safety of your kids are involved, tell her there is no more fucking around with any of this. All the more reason for her to elaborate and file a complaint herself. Especially if she has evidence of him saying that he's going to put her family in jeopardy. She needs to get on board with 100% NC. She needs to block him from phone and everything else immediately if she has not already done so.

There is a similar "bunny boiler" situation going on now in SWAT70's thread here in JFO where his WW's AP is also a former LEO and had done several things lately to threaten the safety of his family.

WW has to start to get tough on her AP too or this is going to turn into a bigger nightmare than it already is.

Go get that lawyer.

What about IC for your WW? Does she get that she's broken and has put her family in serious jeopardy? Negotiating and letting her AP down easy is comparable to negotiating with a terrorist if he is indeed threatening your family.


Alonelyagain posted 6/16/2014 08:26 AM

@yop. Thanks for your thoughts. I had agreed to limbo, until our youngest (5 years) enters college because my kids mean everything to me and don't want to lose them and didn't want them exposed to pos OM. Also, I'm fairly well off financially and don't want to lose house and half of everything. Implicit in this was no OM. That still holds true, and want better relationship with WW while in limbo. Every time there was a step forward such as Friday, there's one or more steps back. Now I know why. I'm adamant that NC is a deal breaker.

WW scheduled a joint session for us with her IC on Tuesday night. WW said that she'd explain everything about AP during that session and get IC's thoughts about whether AP poses some sort of stalker threat to us. WW previously commented that IC has repeatedly told WW that our marriage is salvageable. We'll see; it should be an interesting session.

Alonelyagain posted 6/16/2014 08:38 AM

Also, WW told me that she told AP that I would divorce her if no NC. I now believe that WW telling him that has given him incentive for further attempts at contact. From what I know, AP divorced prior to starting A with WW and is single.

yearsofpain25 posted 6/16/2014 08:52 AM

I now believe that WW telling him that has given him incentive for further attempts at contact.

I concur.

Also, if her counselor is worth their money, this could be a huge opportunity for you. Do you have a list of questions put together that you want answered? Rather than WW dictate the pace and content of what she want's to say, I would be prepared with a short list questions that you really want answers to (if you have any of those types of questions). More so, I would also have a list of boundaries and consequences (not ultimatums) in place to go over with WW and her IC as well. I recently did the same in my sitch, granted a very different situation, but the IC was able to help reinforce why those boundaries needed to be in place and helped her understand them better. Including why NC is a complete deal breaker.

norabird posted 6/16/2014 09:22 AM

Are you sure it isn't too soon to be going into MC together? Your WW is spinning and doing damage control to try and keep you in limbo but there is no reason at all that you should trust her. Do consult with lawyers and file before listening to her, IMO. She is not taking NC seriously, she's using the possible threat of retaliation to keep you in doubt...that all sounds really bad to me. Very glad you have at last filed a complaint. Hang in there.

doggiediva posted 6/16/2014 10:04 AM

I would file...Protect yourself custody wise with kids, keep VAR on you most times, especially when you two discuss A and AP..

He is a definite threat..What happens if you wake up to your house being on fire..I wouldn't put it past this AP..

So protect yourself and your kids with the anticipation that AP ( possibly with your WW's consent and knowledge) will do something to disrupt your lives and cause you to lose everything/everyone dear to you..

Good thing you filed the complaint, from what I read in your post you aren't interested in moving away..If an arrest and conviction of the AP happens, then he can be physically moved out of the picture for a little while..

1Faith posted 6/16/2014 10:28 AM

She then said she had to phase it out over time

No, she doesn't HAVE to she WANTS to...big difference. That is not the response of a remorseful spouse.

Has the affair continued since Dday #1?

I am so sorry.

AP may be a threat to us and our kids

IF this is true. Get a restraining order now. What does she feel this way? Has he implied it or stated this?

Or is this an excuse for not going NC?

Don't be strung along. File and see if that brings her out of her fog.

Don't be stuck. Move forward. Good luck.


Alonelyagain posted 6/16/2014 10:42 AM

@1faith. In NJ, if the courts are closed, such as over the weekend, you can obtain a restraining order from the police department. Last night, I asked the police for a restraining order. I was told that the police can only issue restraining order in cases of domestic violence. I responded that this was a domestic case and I feel generally threatened because he has a gun, but no specific threat of violence directed to me. They wouldn't issue one.

doggiediva posted 6/16/2014 12:15 PM

Wow! Physical separation from your WW may be healthier for you and your kiddos..If you can file and get a place of your own, or find some other way to have an island of quiet and safety (for you and the kids) away from this drama..
There has to be a place you can go to when you need a break, a place where you can be without worrying about AP finding you and harassing you..If you can run but not hide from AP and his shenanigans, that says something about your WW and where her loyalties are aligned..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 12:18 PM, June 16th (Monday)]

ZedLeppelin posted 6/16/2014 22:50 PM

I am truly sorry this has happened to you. Please do not take the following too personally:

1. You need to start standing up for yourself now! The idea of police officers threatening you and leading to a sort of 'paralysis' is perfectly understandable. However, i hope you now realize that you should have gone to a lawyer to see how you could defend yourself.

2. The fact that your wife is threatening you with getting arrested should be taken seriously. Sure, we all say crazy stuff when we're mad but given her history with the police it should have been met with a 'counter punch'. What i mean with this is that her affair was never over. Sure they may have stopped sleeping together, but they are still 'together' as they still text each other. Consequently her loyalty right now is not to you. As a result, you really need to drill into your head that you have to start looking out for your own best interests (and your children). If that means you move on without her, then so be it.

3. You were never truly in R as she is not 100% committed to your marriage. It is highly likely that she has been stringing you along/ waiting for her next AP.

4. Following on that point: why did your sister-in-law take your children to her house? As difficult as this may be to hear, although your wife's family may be nice people they will most likely take her side regardless of whether they approve/disapprove of her actions. As a result, the kids stay with you always. If you have work commitment then hire a 3rd party if you can afford it or maybe a family member can help.

5. Do not threaten/ keep redrawing the proverbial line in the sand. You have laid our your conditions e.g. "Anymore contact and I'll divorce." If she does contact him again, then you need to follow through and actually file for divorce. If you do not, you will continue to look weak in front of her. At this moment she has very little respect for you, and therefore by following through she will begin to take you seriously.

6. Get yourself a couple of Voice Activated Recorders (VAR). Keep one on yourself at all times. Put another in her car under her seat, and maybe another in one of the rooms where she likes to talk to people on the phone. The purpose of this is to protect yourself should you get accused of being violent towards her etc. Do not tell anyone you are doing this.

7. Go see a lawyer.

8. Use the 180.

wishicouldredo posted 6/16/2014 23:34 PM

There's a lot of good advice here, I don't have anything new to add but just wanted to send my support (and round of cheering for going to the police and telling all). Hopefully with this new information it pushes you forward a bit more. I'm so sorry this happened - just so shitty.

Alonelyagain posted 6/17/2014 08:09 AM

I went to an attorney years ago, after DD1, but did not pull the trigger on preparing a complaint. I uncovered A initially using a PI recommended by that attorney. The threat came after the initial consult.

I stopped by police station this morning to supplement my complaint with some documentation about the burglary of my car. I also stated that AP asked WW to get the details of my complaint from me. The internal affairs officer was visibly surprised and not happy about that. I also told him that AP knows about my NC demand and that I expect that AP will be pushing the issue and further complaints to police department is to be expected. I am actively taking steps to prevent being setup by AP.

Tonight, we have session with WW's IC, and WW suggesting the possibility of MC with a different counselor. When she said that on Sunday, I responded that MC would be of no use if she still had any contact with AP. At that time, she agreed. If session does not satisfy me, I will make an appointment with the same divorce attorney. I am considering doing it even if the session goes well.

Finally, while AP has the appearance of a steroid abuser, which has been reported in the newspapers as being a widespread problem among NJ police forces, I will not shrink from a fight if confronted by AP. Since DD1, I have been taking MMA classes . After DD1, I was not able to get more than a couple of hours of sleep until I took my first class and started exercising again.

VAR is a good idea, and will pick several up at lunch time.

Alonelyagain posted 6/17/2014 12:25 PM

This may be a sad reflection on the state of marriages today -- the Staples in lower Manhattan is completely sold out of every model of VARs.

Alonelyagain posted 6/18/2014 08:57 AM

I want to thank everyone for the support, suggestions and encouragement in your responses.

I would appreciate your take on the what happened during IC last night. WW agreed to NC with OM, and MC with WW's IC who told me that she has been advocating to my WW that she drop OM and R with me, in exchange for me withdrawing complaint with police against OM and other cop (who it turns out sits in front of us in church) and meeting with OM. According to WW, OM said he would walk away if WW wants to fix M, which she says she does. WW is concerned about delivering NC to OM, so she is doing it this morning at IC's office with IC present. Seems weird to me. I'd appreciate receiving your comments. Thanks.

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