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Newest Member: Howtotrust (61551)

User Topic: I just don't understand
♀ 40078
Member # 40078
Default  Posted: 12:29 AM, June 16th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We were out on a motorcycle ride with a few of WH’s friends. I was happy that he planned it in a way that included me. The day was a good one in the beginning, riding in the back roads around some lakes in the area. We stopped for a break. While I was in the bathroom it was decided they would drive to an old historical covered bridge in our area. I wondered whose idea that was.

We had been to the bridge a few times in past, I always enjoyed it, until I found out WH had taken his AP there. I haven’t been back since. It sucked being there again. I spent half the time in the bathroom wishing I was someplace else. It appeared like WH didn’t have a clue.

The question kept bugging me, so later in the evening as we were going to bed, I asked “Who had the idea to go to the covered bridge?” WH said “None of them had ever been there before, so I thought it would be a cool place to take them. Was that a problem?”

Since bedtime discussions are never productive I just told him “It wasn’t my favorite place to go” & left it alone.

I wanted to say, yeah it was a cool place to take them, but did you even consider how I would feel? I’m angry that you took a place I enjoyed going to and turned it into a place of pain for me. Then put me in a position where I could go along there, out you in front of your friends explaining why I didn’t want to go, or look like a controlling bitch suggesting we go someplace different after the decision was already made.

So here I am wondering .….. Am I too sensitive? Is he just that insensitive? Or is he twisting the knife again? Is he trying to push me to the point of no return, does he just not get it or am I just feeling sorry for myself?

D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50's WH 50's
NC-several, last broken NC 7/2013 (?)
Married 30+ years, 2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?

Posts: 483 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
♀ 14918
Member # 14918
Default  Posted: 12:46 AM, June 16th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, you are NOT too sensitive! What a dick move on his part, though! I would be livid if I were you. I would sit him down and tell him how that hurt you and that to do it in front of others was even MORE painful. Jeez, he sounds pretty stupid, imo. Has he recently hit his head?
Hugs to you. He's a dope.

Just HOW stupid do you think I am, exactly?

Posts: 1608 | Registered: Jun 2007
♂ 16345
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 12:51 AM, June 16th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ive heard women say that you have to put your *bitch shoes on*. I think I know what that means... (of course Im not sure though)

IMO you should put on whatever shoes you need to tell your husband that THAT bridge is off limits to him forever. And that means forever. Go there and you get a D. Done deal. End of story.

My WW had lots of beach related places she went with her OM. Allot of them I had never gone. Some of them I had. She wanted to go those places with me because *there nice places* she likes to go. Initially I went along with this and attempted to claim these places as ours. But in the end I couldnt do it.

So I refused to go. And I told her that when going there I felt that she was reliving happy memories of OM. That is why I refused to go. And if she goes alone then Im sure shes reliving those memories. AND I refuse to be number 2. So if she goes there without me were done.

There are consequences to actions. Having to not go to some places that our WS enjoys is a pretty mild consequence to the affair. And if this is refused then we know exactly where we stand.

So IMO you might consider putting your bitch shoe down and telling your WS that the bridge is off limits forever. And he had better not even think about going there and lying about it.

I told my WW that if I even suspect that she went to the beach then its over.

Dont like it? Theres the door. Ill ship your stuff to OMs house. Bye.

Sometimes you need to set a hard boundary to let them know you are serious - and to give yourself strength in that you can control your own life.

Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.

Hope in reality is the worst of all evils because it prolongs the torments of man.
Friedrich Nietzsche

Posts: 3483 | Registered: Sep 2007
♀ 28997
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 1:00 AM, June 16th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi honey

Razor is spot on.

Sadly, there was a beach that FWH, the children and I had gone to for holidays for many years.

Of course he and OW3 had a couple of romantic days there.

So. When I found out over 4 years ago, that was it. We haven't been there since.

He suggested we go once shortly after dday. My response was "No, and don't ever suggest it again".

Size 10 bitch boots ARE necessary at times.

When the fuckwit I was unfortunate enough to have married ever pushed things that I found too hard I ALWAYS used the words Razor wrote:

Dont like it? Theres the door. Ill ship your stuff to OWs house. Bye.

I rarely have this type of problem now.

If you let him be insensitive to your feelings now he will get worse.

Put your foot down honey



Married 33yrs Me BW 59Yrs Him FWH 62yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA 16+ years).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2772 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
♀ 41884
Member # 41884
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, June 16th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Places that my Hisband had been with his ow turn his stomach, AND he knows that they hurt me tremendously. He actually goes out of his way to take different routes if we need to pass the street which leads to one of those meeting places. Maybe he is just hyper in touch with all of these feelings right now because we are in IC and MC?

If he actually knows that you know about him taking the OW there, once he is made aware that it really hurts to even think about, he should be able to understand just how hurtful it would be to actually have to go back there after knowing that they were there….

BW: 46 Me
DDay1 9-9-13 (18th Wedding Anniversary) 6 wk EA, 1 wk PA
DDay2: 10-25-13 EA/PA with same OW 14 1/2 years ago for 2 or 3 months
OW: XGF Predator who never stopped pursuing WH
DS 15
DD 13

Posts: 1812 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: New York
♀ 43350
Member # 43350
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, June 16th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In one of the books I read to help me deal with my H's A, it said to go to the places that your spouse and his AP went to - to reclaim them as your own. To that, I say bull shit!! (pardon my language).

I can't even listen to any of the songs from "Rock of Ages" because I know they saw the play together. Those songs play on the radio or at a dance club and I die inside.

Over the past 3 months or so (since D-day), I have been accompanying my H on his business trips up north because that's where he usually met his AP. IT HAS BEEN TORTURE!!

No, you are not being oversensitive. Not at all. Once-perfectly-benign places and things will sometimes cause tremendous pain. They are painful reminders that the person you are trying to re-establish a life with, the one who pledged he'd love you till death do you part, betrayed you. I am so sorry you are going through this. I am so sorry for all of us.

Hang in there!!

Me: early 50's
WH: early 50's
Married: 23 years
DS: 21 years old
Other DS: 18 years old
D-day: 2/14/2014
H's LTA lasted 6 years, his EA's lasted during most of our M, but we are both trying hard to R.

Posts: 1499 | Registered: May 2014
Topic Posts: 6

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