We are trying to reconcile after my WW had an emotional affair/that turned physical with a man she met through AA. Kissing/Holding hands. She is a recovering Alcoholic, 90 days sober and working the steps with a sponsor. She has been very honest, and still thinks about this other man who is also married. I have come to understand why the affair happened, they share so much in common and my lack of support emotionally while she was drinking is her reasoning behind it. I am close to being in a better place, Im working in IC on letting go of Control which has always been a big issue of mine. We attend MC weekly, have a great counselor and think a lot of issues are being resolved. During the drinking stage, I wasn't getting what I needed it felt as if she was having an affair with the bottle and leaving me left alone. I didn't communicate well during that period and now paying the price. I love her deeply, I am trying to trust her again. And she is honest with me I believe. The problem is that she sees this man frequently, even though she has changed her regular meetings to avoid him, he still shows up at the new ones occasionally. I struggle with that. She says that she loves, me and is not In love with me. She has asked for space to and time to work things out on her own, and decide if she wants our marriage to work or if its to late. She is spending a few nights a way from me and the kids, and trying to figure stuff out. I fell somewhat alone, but getting stronger everyday. Just don't really understand what she is going through, and if it is even possible for her to reconnect in the marriage when she still sees him occasionally. She says they don't talk, but he is still there. His wife found me and contacted me, and now tries to find out what meetings she attends so she can push him to avoid those. I don't know if that is healthy….All comments appreciated!
2 kids 5 and 8
OM 54 and in AA
Verbal NC date 5/18/2014
Still sees the man at meetings some
This jumps out to me:
. I have come to understand why the affair happened, they share so much in common and my lack of support emotionally while she was drinking is her reasoning behind it.
she sees this man frequently...She says that she loves, me and is not In love with me. She has asked for space to and time to work things out on her own, and decide if she wants our marriage to work or if its to late.
We are trying to reconcile
Sorry, but no, "you" are trying to R. She is...
spending a few nights a way from me and the kids, and trying to figure stuff out.
It takes two to R.
She makes a choice and if it's you, it's automatic NC with her AP and throwing herself into finding out why she chose this awful coping mechanism, no matter what state your marriage was in.
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
“Never be so focused on what you're looking for that you overlook the thing you actually find.”
You seem to be beating yourself over he head for not enabling her when she was drinking. She'd never love you as much as she loved the bottle, no matter what you did or didn't do. Her A decision was hers alone.
Ask if a three person marriage has any reasonable chance of success.
Stop allowing her to create anxiety for you by continuing to see her AP.
I have come to understand why the affair happened, they share so much in common and my lack of support emotionally while she was drinking is her reasoning behind it.
No. No. No. Her A did not start bc you were emotionally unavailable to her while she was entering sobriety.
Chinadoll also mentioned replacing one addiction with another. That "feel good" endorphin they get from drinking? - that rush of the A - all come from the same place in the brain - frontal lobe, I believe. It's all connected.
Your wife's primary focus is on staying sober IMO. Her second objective should be working on rebuilding the trust she broke with YOU!
You are supporting her sobriety, going to IC, attending MC. You are doing a hell of a lot and then what? She stays out a few nights a week bc she needs space? She needs to figure this out? Come on. In addition to AA, (female meetings only) your wife also needs to be in IC to deal with the issues that led her to drinking that led her to an A. Again, this is all connected and likely traces back to some childhood issues/chaos. She needs to deal with that.
My Dad has been in AA for 35 years now. He swears by the male/female only meetings. He always says that the last thing needed when getting sober is a new romance. No one is healthy and everyone is lonely and thinking they are unique. Thank goodness Dad got sober and Mom gave him a chance to be back in the family. You are actually providing two gifts at this time. YOU have a lot on the line right now. YOU are doing your part. She is, as rachelc put it, is being a "cake-eater".
If your goal is to ease up on your "control" issues as you noted, then your wife needs to start incorporating some boundaries into her life so that YOU, her husband - feels safe and able to move forward with the GIFT OF R. Remember that - YOU ARE GIVING HER A GIFT by working towards R after this great betrayal.
Good luck Heayheart.
There are many other requirements or agreements that are options for you.
Many SI members require face time communication and/or picture texts to show where they are at any given time (to help the BS to know the WS is being honest about their location). A lot of members use a location app on their cell phones in order to see where their WS is whenever they want.
You may require she does IC and MC (sounds like this is already happening) and reads books on the subject of infidelity. (Not Just Friends and How to help your spouse heal after an affair are two top titles here)
I'm sure I'm leaving so many out but you get the idea.
It's important that you explain the consequences of NOT meeting your requirements and follow through if broken otherwise they mean nothing.
She should be willing to do all of these. If she is remorseful these will not be things she will be defensive about. She should be agreeable to anything that would help you feel safe and that she is not participating in A related behavior.
Please stop taking credit for her decision to betray you and your marriage, not excluding your.children. SHE did this. SHE has to take full responsibility for all of the affair. Right now the A should be the focus in MC. Other marital issues will have their time to be dealt with once the A is addressed.
As for her IC, she must find her 'why'. What is broken in her? What allowed her to knowingly put everything in harms way? Until she figures that out and works k n it you cannot trust her in your M.
Many suggest the BS immediately go to see a lawyer and learn their options. Even if you never go back, making initial contact and getting that info can help you making decisions later.
Many also suggest taking half the $ and throwing it in a new bank account to cover yourself in case things go bad later.
I realize this probably seems overwhelming. I hope you can begin to realize that you are not the cause even if you weren't the best husband. There were so many other options for her as another poster mentioned. She could have divorced you, talked to you abound how serious the M problems were for her and requested counselling etc. An A is wrong. There are no excuses.
Please read about the 180 in the healing library (yellow box upper left) if you haven't. Read all you can there. You'll find a lot of good info.
I'm sorry for what you're going through.
[This message edited by FixYou71 at 1:42 AM, June 17th (Tuesday)]