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The Anger. Can't take it.

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RedRock77 posted 6/16/2014 13:28 PM

In March 2013, my wife announced that she wasn't happy anymore and needed time alone to think. Some true issues were raised from her, but the rest were just ridiculous history rewrites.
She moved to a new address I was denied knowledge of.

I knew this was a lie however. I had seen the messages between her and her boss at the time.

IFor over a year I have performed this humiliating "Pick Me Dance". Advised by my mother in law who was probably fed the same lies I was.

She will only admit to the OP in the face of evidence, and will try to protect him and her reputation after by lying again.

I can't trust her anymore, or respect her choices. But I still love her and long for the life we planned.

Not only has my wife broken my heart but my family and friends have shown that I can't trust them much either.
I feel so alone, that all I can do is move 100's of miles away and start a new life.

I have even had to file for divorce myself as I couldn't stand another year of waiting for her to do it.

What can I do to stop the anger at her selfishness and myself for humiliating myself like this.

[This message edited by RedRock77 at 1:30 PM, June 16th (Monday)]

MovingUpward posted 6/16/2014 14:05 PM

Welcome RedRock

You've been manipulated and there is no need to feel bad about what you've done. This all lays with your wife. The anger will subside, but you might see if flare during the divorce process. I too was forced to be the "bad guy" and file. She tried to use that woe is me card a couple times until I let some truth out. Usually the "I love my wife but I can't stand her boyfriend" got the message across. In the meantime as you start to change the outlook of your future and detach the easier it is to not get angry at her.

Shockleader posted 6/16/2014 14:23 PM

The more you stay no contact as best you can, the better it gets. Divorce will really show you what a piece of garbage she is, she is the enemy, and in time you will heal. I no longer have white hot rage at her, at what she did to hurt two families, many futures, and beating myself up over the situation. Time will bring great clarity, and you will see all that her slipped mask has exposed in a different light and you will feel no love at all for her. She is a billion percent at fault, and NEVER allow her to tell you otherwise.

All cheaters are cowardly, spineless, selfish, sniveling liars, and you will be so glad one day to have her as simply a person you used to know. I am really shocked at how rapidly I feel meh about my exPOS, and how much it is like I was never married to her. No contact IMO and experience is the key, and have absolutely as little contact with her during D. Expect her to bald face lie, act even more psychotic, and when all else fails, be a total angry bitch because that is all she has.

Good luck friend, and know many of us have walked the exact same path as you in earlier times, and here we are doing much better.

TheClimb posted 6/16/2014 14:32 PM

Please don't be so hard on yourself; you make me look bad. Because I did a beautiful "Pick Me Dance", hell I should have been on Dancing with the Stars I was so good at it. But at five years out, I have time on my side and can see things a little clearer than I did back then.

For many of us, we are caught off guard. We had NO idea that they were unhappy and thinking of chucking it all. So you hold on, TIGHT. Even knowing logically that you shouldn't and that this is costing you a huge bit of self esteem you try. You try really hard to get them to remember how good it was, how much you love them, how special your little family is. But those selfish bastards don't see it. That's when you know its time to let it go. The marriage will make it or not but it will no longer be at your expense.

I can't tell you how I was able to get through that angry stage; I was awful. For a entire year, my favorite quote was from Rambo, "they drew first blood". I wanted revenge so bad! But looking at those people, the tramp, her friends, the stupid people at the Club that looked the other way they won't ever GET IT! They are not like us; I would be wasting my revenge. They would say I was the crazy one. Did she deserve to have her fat ass whipped? You bet! But I would have been the one talked about. Cripes!

In time, your anger will subside. Some type of exercise really does help. But please, give yourself a break, you tried, which is so much more than we can say for them!

RedRock77 posted 6/16/2014 15:01 PM

The "I'm Unhappy" speech came very rapidly due to a period of miscommunication between us. Where a lot of missassumptions were made on her part. For around a month as I grieved for the loss of a grandparent.

Truth be told, I still don't want this divorce.

I have been speaking to a marriage counsellor. She has offered to speak to my wife. While trting to help me deal with my negatice feelings, she believes she can get through to my wife. And make her realise her affair partner is a hollow fantasy, compared to the better husband this situation has forced me to be.

This was prompted by one line my wife said at our last meeting.
"I know you think it's easy to turn back from this but it's not".

SeanFLA posted 6/16/2014 15:28 PM

The one thing I have learned with women who make these decisions (my exWW included). Once their decision has been made, they rarely come back. At least not for now. I'm sorry to tell you that. There is only one thing you can do right now. And it's the only thing that makes sense. You have to let her go. I know you don't want to but it's the only way she can see her mistakes. The "pick me" dance doesn't work. Sounds like you've already realized that. If you let her go and she comes back, well you both have that chance. But you know you can't hold on to something that doesn't love you back. It took time for me to come to my senses and just let go. It takes time and it takes a lot of tears, anger and rage. But it's the only thing you can do. Once you surrender to it that process will become much easier to detach. After all, she needs to be the one fighting for you now, not the other way around. She won't come back as long as she has no respect for you. And the "pick me" dance does that. Clearly she isn't fighting for you. Whatever you do, don't have too much hope. Don't think this MC will bring her back and hang your hat on it. All she may do is make her more angry like she's being called stupid. Hope can be a dangerous destructive thing in our cases. It's much better to keep your anger and work through that. I'm sorry this happened. But know that it wasn't your fault. She could have spoken up, she choose not to. This is the way immature adults handle running to another partner in your time of need.

[This message edited by SeanFLA at 3:29 PM, June 16th (Monday)]

RedRock77 posted 6/16/2014 15:51 PM

Thank you all for your advice here.
I know it's what is best for me in the long run.

I'm just about to file for the final part of the divorce. I had hoped it would wake her up. I even swallowed pride and apologised for making her feel lonely and angry anough to make the terrible choices she has made.

The sad thing is, when we meet, the facade slips and the real person my wife is comes back for a while. Then she wihdraws back into her shell and becomes the angry, arrogant wayward spouse again.

It makes filing very hard.

kernel posted 6/16/2014 18:56 PM

After all, she needs to be the one fighting for you now, not the other way around.

This, a thousand times this. Value yourself because she doesn't.

Hope can be a dangerous destructive thing in our cases. It's much better to keep your anger

I completely agree with this. Hope keeps you in limbo and gives your WW all kinds of control over you and your actions.

The sad thing is, when we meet, the facade slips and the real person my wife is comes back for a while.

IMO, this is typical manipulative behavior of the wayward. I'm sorry she's treating you so poorly, but it's right on target with what most of us on this site have experienced.

((RR77)) Hang in there.

one2ndchance posted 6/16/2014 21:27 PM

"I know you think it's easy to turn back from this but it's not".

She said this^ so as to not appear callous and unfeeling. If she didn't want to "turn back," she wouldn't.

Then she wihdraws back into her shell and becomes the angry, arrogant wayward spouse again.

^This is the REAL her. The other woman she appears to be is an act.

NEVER believe her words...her actions are the TRUTH.

RedRock77 posted 6/18/2014 11:27 AM

I dropped the bomb today.
I exposed the whole affair as my STBXW is back home overseas. Trying to ease in the new partner as a "friendship that turned into more after separation".
Obviously, the sh*tstorm is thick. But I'm past caring.

norabird posted 6/18/2014 11:36 AM

It's really hard not to blame ourselves for putting up with what we did. You have to work on letting go, though. You were motivated by good impulses, if in a very unhealthy direction for you. Analyze why you let things get so bad, but accept your decisions and make peace with them. The past is past. You can make the future better by addressing any unhealthy patterns, and you can only make it worse by beating yourself up. The experience is too painful for us to have any right to pile onto our burden with self-recrimination.

kiki1 posted 6/18/2014 11:37 AM


I'm sorry. Its unbelievable how badly our ws's treat us. The ones they "promised" to love, honor and obey. Uh huh, an empty promise.

Donot feel humiliated by the "pick me dance". I did this as well. Many of us have. I did not find this site until long after i danced. I'm so thankful for this site now.

Only here can i pour my heart out and people understand. I'm glad you found us.

It will get better Redrock, though its hard to believe now. No contact as the others said.


Williesmom posted 6/18/2014 12:11 PM

Ah, good times. The "I'm not happy" speech.

Fyi - you are not responsible for anyone else's happy. They need to find their own happy - any blame shifting is just bullshit.

Don't be hard on yourself. Most of us have done the "Pick me" dance. You'll get through it.

Sleepingbeauty posted 6/19/2014 20:56 PM

My anger is at this point time a help to me. I just lost my father after a battle with cancer. If I was n't so pissed at my wh I would cry 24/7, as it is I cry 23/7. When it is time to deal with wh again I hope to more rational. I am afraid of whT I would do to him right nowif i saw him or his whore.

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