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Newest Member: Giupeppe (46032)

User Topic: Im mad
Yakamishi
♂ 38230
Member # 38230
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, June 16th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So WW and i we talking about A. The usual stuff. Things i still am having trouble getting my head around. Nothing earth shattering. Just stupid details.

Any rate, one of the things that has bothered me was the week before she consummated their affair, we were on vacation. And it bothered me that they had made plans prior to that to hook up when she got back. Meaning...she had all week to think about it while on vacation with her family. I asked her what went through her mind and she always responded with..."I didn't know what would happen. I just wanted to see him." (Up to that point they were in an EA for about a year)

Well this time around she confesses that she "wanted have an affair with him." And worse (imho) she "wanted him to cheat on his wife with her show how much he wanted her."

Im struggling with this. In truth, it doesn't surprise me. I'm not shocked. But I'm repulsed, disgusted. I've asked her before if she felt any guilt toward OBS and she had said no. That has always bothered me. And this only reinforces that notion. To have actual intent. Grrrrr. (And the OBS just had twins for Christ sake)

I'm not suggesting its all WWs fault. It takes two. (Trust me OM it's a real gem). But i guess it's disheartening to see your own spouse in an even worse light than was already possible.

So now WW mad because I'm mad. Says i shouldn't ask questions i can't handle the answers to. That i should "accept her answers and move on".

Really? Like....i shouldn't be upset?


Me: BH
Her: WW Mrs.yaka
Kids:4
Variouse clues to EA. WW promised it would stop.
D-Day of EA 9/13/2012 2:01PM found 2 yrs of text messages, confessed to EA
D-Day of PA: confessed on 9/22/12 11:53 PM. Worst moment of my life

Posts: 222 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Massachusetts
mchercheur
♀ 37735
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, June 16th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG Yaka!

So now WW mad because I'm mad. Says i shouldn't ask questions i can't handle the answers to. That i should "accept her answers and move on".

This ^^^^^ is just another version of
"Get over it already."

Rugsweeping at its finest.
I would be LIVID if I were you.

This is not very remorseful behavior. It should be all about your healing right now, that is, if she wants to R


Me: BW
Him: WH --Had 7 mo. PA with COW;
Married 20something years with kids
Trying to R

Posts: 1465 | Registered: Dec 2012
Chinadoll30
♀ 43131
Member # 43131
Default  Posted: 7:11 PM, June 16th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We just had a similar discussion. Different details, but same outcome. I think we are trying to apply logic and rational thought to something that is illogical and irrational. My WH said he thought at the time that AP was "nice" even though she told him she wAs using her BH to pay her legal bills. Real f-ing nice. But of course WH thought she was nice, she was giving him blowjobs every day. What they did is so out of the realm of our understanding. That's why it makes no sense. And of course the answers anger us. They should be accepting the fact that it is not our questions that are the problem, but what they did.


"We must see all scars as beauty. Okay? This will be our secret. Because take it from me, a scar does not form on the dying. A scar means 'I survived'." -Chris Cleave

Posts: 343 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Philadelphia
LA44
♀ 38384
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, June 16th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So now WW mad because I'm mad. Says i shouldn't ask questions i can't handle the answers to. That i should "accept her answers and move on".

Who CAN handle these answers? That is what I would like to know. Yes. At some point, it is time to move on...whether it is with our spouse or not. But really. Who can handle this?

Good that you are mad! You need to be mad about that. Where is the remorse? Not in that statement that's for sure.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2677 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Stillnotoverit
♂ 43708
Member # 43708
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Enough my man!! You deserve a better answer than that , she just doesn't care cause figures your to in tuned to wait . God the distain for u, so sorry

Posts: 41 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Tennesse
Stillnotoverit
♂ 43708
Member # 43708
Default  Posted: 10:47 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What I mean is bark back. This is not her game to play but that's how she's treating it. She thinks she can do whatever and your so not wanting to lose her u will agree. Brother you will be fine. Could u feel worse than u do right now????? Nope I will be ok find out if she wants u or not. !! Not crap. You'll be ok

Posts: 41 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Tennesse
nuance
♂ 28793
Member # 28793
Default  Posted: 10:54 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Says i shouldn't ask questions i can't handle the answers to.

Wow, does she hear herself?


Dday May 2000. R'ed.
People suck.

Posts: 1229 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: California
bionicgal
♀ 39803
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

she "wanted him to cheat on his wife with her show how much he wanted her."

Oh, ugggggh. I suspect this was a large part of my H's APs reason for having an affair. We were friends, and I think she envied me and our marriage to a large degree. (Not that we are perfect, but better than average.) So, it was a power thing, I am sure -- for her ego. Women do it all the time. Most of us get over that kind of thinking in high school, when our frontal lobes develop and we realize our behavior actually has an effect on other people.

So, I think many women are wired this way -- to seek validation outside themselves, and actually - my husband was too. He as enamored much more with the idea that someone wanted him, than the actual person. It had nothing to do with her. For women it is wanting that old, "I would do anything for yooooou" stuff - romantic stuff.

Thing is, when the rubber hit the road? He dropped her like a hot potato. So, all his AP got was a selfish, entitled, broken man who needed an ego boost and dropped her the second the fog lifted.

So yeah - it is all irrational.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 8:06 AM, June 18th (Wednesday)]


me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 2247 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
veronique12
♀ 42185
Member # 42185
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If my H told me that he didn't feel any guilt over hurting the OBS I think that would tell me everything I needed to know about what kind of person he was. I wouldn't be able to continue on in a relationship with him.

You should be asking questions. You might not like the answers, true, but at least you'll know what you're dealing with.


BW: me (38)
WH: 43
OW: false "friend"
D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for nearly 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

Posts: 571 | Registered: Jan 2014
Topic Posts: 9

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