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Yakamishi posted 6/16/2014 17:54 PM

So WW and i we talking about A. The usual stuff. Things i still am having trouble getting my head around. Nothing earth shattering. Just stupid details.

Any rate, one of the things that has bothered me was the week before she consummated their affair, we were on vacation. And it bothered me that they had made plans prior to that to hook up when she got back. Meaning...she had all week to think about it while on vacation with her family. I asked her what went through her mind and she always responded with..."I didn't know what would happen. I just wanted to see him." (Up to that point they were in an EA for about a year)

Well this time around she confesses that she "wanted have an affair with him." And worse (imho) she "wanted him to cheat on his wife with her show how much he wanted her."

Im struggling with this. In truth, it doesn't surprise me. I'm not shocked. But I'm repulsed, disgusted. I've asked her before if she felt any guilt toward OBS and she had said no. That has always bothered me. And this only reinforces that notion. To have actual intent. Grrrrr. (And the OBS just had twins for Christ sake)

I'm not suggesting its all WWs fault. It takes two. (Trust me OM it's a real gem). But i guess it's disheartening to see your own spouse in an even worse light than was already possible.

So now WW mad because I'm mad. Says i shouldn't ask questions i can't handle the answers to. That i should "accept her answers and move on".

Really? Like....i shouldn't be upset?

mchercheur posted 6/16/2014 18:03 PM

OMG Yaka!

So now WW mad because I'm mad. Says i shouldn't ask questions i can't handle the answers to. That i should "accept her answers and move on".

This ^^^^^ is just another version of
"Get over it already."

Rugsweeping at its finest.
I would be LIVID if I were you.

This is not very remorseful behavior. It should be all about your healing right now, that is, if she wants to R

Chinadoll30 posted 6/16/2014 19:11 PM

We just had a similar discussion. Different details, but same outcome. I think we are trying to apply logic and rational thought to something that is illogical and irrational. My WH said he thought at the time that AP was "nice" even though she told him she wAs using her BH to pay her legal bills. Real f-ing nice. But of course WH thought she was nice, she was giving him blowjobs every day. What they did is so out of the realm of our understanding. That's why it makes no sense. And of course the answers anger us. They should be accepting the fact that it is not our questions that are the problem, but what they did.

LA44 posted 6/16/2014 20:28 PM

So now WW mad because I'm mad. Says i shouldn't ask questions i can't handle the answers to. That i should "accept her answers and move on".

Who CAN handle these answers? That is what I would like to know. Yes. At some point, it is time to move on...whether it is with our spouse or not. But really. Who can handle this?

Good that you are mad! You need to be mad about that. Where is the remorse? Not in that statement that's for sure.

Stillnotoverit posted 6/17/2014 22:42 PM

Enough my man!! You deserve a better answer than that , she just doesn't care cause figures your to in tuned to wait . God the distain for u, so sorry

Stillnotoverit posted 6/17/2014 22:47 PM

What I mean is bark back. This is not her game to play but that's how she's treating it. She thinks she can do whatever and your so not wanting to lose her u will agree. Brother you will be fine. Could u feel worse than u do right now????? Nope I will be ok find out if she wants u or not. !! Not crap. You'll be ok

nuance posted 6/17/2014 22:54 PM

Says i shouldn't ask questions i can't handle the answers to.

Wow, does she hear herself?

bionicgal posted 6/18/2014 08:04 AM

she "wanted him to cheat on his wife with her show how much he wanted her."

Oh, ugggggh. I suspect this was a large part of my H's APs reason for having an affair. We were friends, and I think she envied me and our marriage to a large degree. (Not that we are perfect, but better than average.) So, it was a power thing, I am sure -- for her ego. Women do it all the time. Most of us get over that kind of thinking in high school, when our frontal lobes develop and we realize our behavior actually has an effect on other people.

So, I think many women are wired this way -- to seek validation outside themselves, and actually - my husband was too. He as enamored much more with the idea that someone wanted him, than the actual person. It had nothing to do with her. For women it is wanting that old, "I would do anything for yooooou" stuff - romantic stuff.

Thing is, when the rubber hit the road? He dropped her like a hot potato. So, all his AP got was a selfish, entitled, broken man who needed an ego boost and dropped her the second the fog lifted.

So yeah - it is all irrational.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 8:06 AM, June 18th (Wednesday)]

veronique12 posted 6/18/2014 09:19 AM

If my H told me that he didn't feel any guilt over hurting the OBS I think that would tell me everything I needed to know about what kind of person he was. I wouldn't be able to continue on in a relationship with him.

You should be asking questions. You might not like the answers, true, but at least you'll know what you're dealing with.

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