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Is this "pain shopping"??

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lostcovenants posted 6/16/2014 21:40 PM

Spent an hour today reading old emails between my fWS and his women friends that he had poor boundaries with not his married OW, but a friend of ours for 35+ years and former co workers of his. The (former) friend said such things as "have an orgasmic night" and you need a BJ! He told former coworker she was "gorgeous - wink". He says he gets it now that this was inappropriate - but I wonder if he feels that way 100% or just guilty as he was having a full blown LTA at the time he wrote those emails...

Why do I do this? Yes it hurts terribly to read those words to and from other women that he hid from me. Still no time line - I think I just continue trying to fill in the blanks in my life.

He says PA was 2009-2010, with sext ing w same mow for two more years off and on... But now admits to sext ing with (over 50 women). Since about 2000. Some for months!! Dear God how much is too much? I truly believe he is remorseful, and not cheating now but he still lies to me about stupid stuff.


It truly is, death by 1,000 cuts

[This message edited by lostcovenants at 9:42 PM, June 16th (Monday)]

karmahappens posted 6/16/2014 21:51 PM

I don't know that you are pain shopping. You are less than a year out and you keep getting new information.

I think you are probably trying to put the pieces together.

If he has been sexting with 50+ women for 10+ years I don't know that you will ever get an accurate time line. Who has that kind of memory ?

I think you may have to get to a point where you are comfortable knowing all you know is enough....and only you can decide when that time is.

It is a whole pile to process, go easy on yourself, I hope you can get to a point where you feel safe to say it's time to move forward, either with or without him.

I am sorry you are hurting so much.


gonnabe2016 posted 6/16/2014 22:14 PM

Pain-shopping. I hate that term.

If he had an LTA AND was sexting with a ridiculously large number of women.....then you need to stop wondering whether you're *pain-shopping* (which is really just an almost self-imposed *blame-shift* about why things aren't getting better).....and turn the focus on HIM and fixing his broken shit.

PollyA posted 6/16/2014 23:55 PM

You're NOT pain shopping. I never heard that term previously, but it's self explanatory.

I'm dealing with a ws who for 8 years had approx. 150 encounters with same sex strangers.

I know the overarching story BUT when new info comes down the pike, I'm yet again devastated.


every day a little death.......

[This message edited by PollyA at 11:56 PM, June 16th (Monday)]

Gotmegood posted 6/17/2014 00:36 AM

For what it's worth, no, I do not believe this is pain shopping. I think you are still trying to grasp and process all that went on. With less than full confessions, I think it is nearly inevitable that the BS goes looking for their own answers and information. It's really tough, but I think in time it will lessen. When you find nothing new, nothing enlightening, nothing that fills a gap or explains anything, you'll stop. In the meantime, you're normal and you're going through this shitstorm as best you can. You've got a lot to process, go easy on yourself.

LivinginLimbo posted 6/17/2014 06:07 AM

I did this. It's all so surreal that there were times that I needed to make sure it wasn't just a terrible nightmare.

As others have already said, when our FWH's go into self-protection mode and try to control what we know, it leaves us with an intense need to search for anything and everything.

Does ripping the Band-Aid off hurt? Like hell it does but when you feel you have no other recourse, you do it repeatedly as you pursue the full story of what took place.

If they only could understand that complete honesty, while painful at first, would lead to a quicker recovery, we'd all be so much better off.

lostcovenants posted 6/17/2014 16:06 PM

Karmahappens – I know I will never get a completely accurate timeline, but I want him to TRY. That is the most important thing – that he is will to try to give me what I need. So far he has promised one, but has not written one word. I’m ready to feel safe. I’m ready to move forward – but he must do his part. So far he has done what he is comfortable with. I need to see that he is willing to give me 100%. So far I don’t see that. This tells me he is still protecting himself. Choosing himself first.

Gonnabe2016 – thanks for saying this is really “self-imposed blame-shift”. Yes I think you are right. I am not to blame for the affair. The fact that I am still in SO much pain after 11 month since DDay is his fault. We could be so much further along.

PollyA – “every day a little death” that is exactly how I feel. Your WS had 150 encounters?? Mine so far has admitted to “more than 50” on-line sex chats and one PA. The numbers are MIND BOGLING. How are they this screwed up? Can they ever recover? Can we?

Gotmegood – “you’re normal” - jeeze is that sad or what? There are thousands of us on this site. What a sad “normal” for us.

LivinginLimbo – your name says it all. I just wish the WSs would get this: “If they only could understand that complete honesty, while painful at first, would lead to a quicker recovery, we'd all be so much better off.”

After learning he lied to me (again) on a recent trip – about SOMETHING STUPID (again). I asked him if he would be willing to take over leading our reconciliation. I have been pulling and pushing him since the beginning. I read SI. I find books. I bring up discussions. I found the MC. I make the MC appointments….etc. etc. etc. I’m sick of it. If he is sincere HE should be doing all this work. HE cheated NOT me. HE needs to be the one pulling the heavy load. I told him I would go to MC, read, discuss, etc., whatever he thought would help us, but he needed to INIATE. He agreed. Since he got home 3 days ago, he initiated us reading Dr Glass’ book “Not Just Friends”. A baby step, but I was very thankful. I did tell him when he agreed to take the lead. “Don’t half-ass this, it’s too important.” I wasn’t trying to be mean, but I wanted him to know I’m about at the end of my rope. I told him I am going to focus on myself and get my ducks in a row so I am ready if he can’t do the work. I hope he understands what I mean by that.

Has anyone else done this? Handed over the reconciliation responsibilities to their WS?? Did it work?

k8la posted 6/17/2014 20:34 PM

I don't know if it's pain shopping as much as it is keeping a focus on contrast - what was he like what he was doing that and how much is he different now?

My WH has used that term before to describe my reading SI boards - and perhaps I am. I'm not making a lot of new discoveries, but I've intercepted a few slides like job seeking on CL - CraigsList is completely out of bounds for me and I had to remind him of that. The use of a trigger pseudonym (his 2nd life persona) today brought it up again.

Some days I feel like Mad-Eye Moody "CONSTANT VIGILANCE!"

That's not pain shopping to me. That's pain avoidance!

Gotmegood posted 6/17/2014 21:57 PM

Your question about handing over the reins to a reluctant WH....ummm....not so much. All of the discussions, questioning, purchasing of infidelity related literature....all me. I've pushed. But for one thing, he doesn't have any questions about what went on, and I do. I, unfortunately, am still leading on our path to recovery. He answers, he is patient, he is remorseful, he is shamed by his actions, he has promised no more pornography, he is transparent, he checks in regularly when not in his office, he is kind and he has been loving. But leading? Nope. I hope it works for you

lostcovenants posted 6/18/2014 12:47 PM

Well this is interested. He just texted me that he has been reading my posts on SI for the last hour. Wonder how he found me? Ugg - I know I posted some very heart felt vents. I have felt safe to post here and have appreciated all the insight and support I have received. Will see what he thinks I guess...

MandMs posted 6/19/2014 07:14 AM

I'm not sure if this is "pain-shopping"… I also hate this term. We do what we need to do to get better and put the pieces of the puzzle together. period.

I had to chime in because I too have found myself looking back at old text messages and emails. I found some to women my H had worked with and known socially but never actually had any physical contact with but the back and forth was very intimate (like "I miss you" and calling then "gorgeous" ) $hit that would never fly now but that was how he operated back then. He flirted and was inappropriate with every women he came into contact with if they were willing to give him any attention whatsoever.

It does hurt to read that stuff and know he was giving there women his time and attention (never mind the 10 other women he actually had ONS or several sexual encounters with…) For me it was 14 years of dishonesty and lies and cheating too.

You are not alone. I know how you are feeling. Don't let anyone tell you you are painshopping. You are trying to piece together the last 14 years of your life and figure out what the f*cK really happened. I get it...

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