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Think he wants me to be grateful

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Softcentre posted 6/17/2014 02:03 AM

Weekend before last, little ds4 came back without his brand new sunhat (that I had bought). The Arse didn't tell me he'd lost it, I just noticed he wasn't wearing it. The Arse said it might be in his flat, but probably in the car (we share the car). I don't know if he looked in his flat, but I looked in the car. It wasn't there. The Arse didn't offer to replace it etc. To those who don't know, The Arse is a higher rate tax payer, I'm living on government benefits.

This weekend bigger ds6 was wearing his new sunhat (that I bought) to school on Friday, & he had it when The Arse picked him up.

Guess what? Yup. It got lost.

But this is how I found out: The Arse hands me a bag with ds6's school uniform in it. I look inside and there's a very tatty faded sunhat inside. So I asked where the brand new one was. "ds must have lost it" Implication being that he, the responsible adult had nothing to do with it. But he also tried to just put a very old faded hat in the bag as a replacement for only ONE of the TWO hats he lost in 2 weeks.

I told him that both hats were brand new and I expected brand new replacements, for this coming school week. He flashed a look of anger at me, but nodded.

So I still hadn't heard anything from The Arse by yesterday and texted saying that the boys needed the sunhats for school and needed them by this morning at the latest. He texted back saying he'd got some. By this time I was ready for bed, so he offered to bring them round this morning.

So The Arse turned up and milked the praise from the boys for ringing them new sunhats. No apology for losing them in the first place. And he seemed to be waiting for me to say thank you...

Nope. I'm not saying thank you for you replacing two brand new things that I bought, when you tried to conceal it by just hoping I wouldn't notice and trying to put a raggedy old hat to replace only one of them. When you come and suck up those ego kibbles from the boys for just doing what you should have done, acting like the hero. And don't even say sorry.

I'm sure it gives him another thing for him to resent me for because nothing is ever his fault.

Now, if I had taken two children out for two weekends and lost one of their hats each time, I would have been mortified, would have bought replacements straight away, apologised and tried to work out some way of making sure it didn't happen again. And I certainly wouldn't have tried to conceal it all.

He's still living up to his name

brokeninfl posted 6/17/2014 07:44 AM

Now, if I had taken two children out for two weekends and lost one of their hats each time, I would have been mortified, would have bought replacements straight away, apologised and tried to work out some way of making sure it didn't happen again

Ditto here.

I'm sorry your Arse is being...well, and ass.

My XWH does similar things -- his dog chewed up (to the point there were holes) our boys brand new ($$) sneakers. First he just sent them back withtout saying anything. Then when I called him out on it - he said "it wasn't that bad" after texting a picture of the HOLES (like large holes - he couldn't have missed them) He said he'd stop by the discount store and pic up something. I declined - told him to give me the $100 they had cost and I'd go get more.

GRRRRRR... you'd think they could be normal human beings, but nope.

Softcentre posted 6/17/2014 08:45 AM

broken - I just cannot fathom how they think it's ok to act like this. Even worse, how The Arse then turns it round so I should be grateful?

Gemini71 posted 6/17/2014 08:47 AM

I have learned that anything I don't want getting lost, doesn't go to Dad's place. Dad is supposedly a responsible adult. He can get his own sunhats for DSs to wear while in his care.

Softcentre posted 6/17/2014 11:47 AM

I have to send the sunhat with him. He needs it for school and gets picked up by The Arse. Nothing I can do about that.

I normally send one set of older clothes with them, so that they have something (not uniform) to wear when they come back on Sunday. He has got better on some things. He used to keep the uniform for weeks, then he brought it back weekly but it was all dirty, then washed but creased. Now he sends it back washed and folded. But this is only after months of me spelling out what I needed....in writing.

He also hardly ever says "please" when he asks me to do something or asks for a favour. He treats me worse than a colleague or a stranger...this is not new and predates dday. I just didn't realise it for a long time.

Softcentre posted 6/17/2014 11:47 AM

His passive aggression means, I think, that he wants to resent me, and has done for most of our relationship. It's very sad.

He always used to say that the Bible said that the woman needs to choose to submit to her husband, but that the husband has to love him wife like Christ loves the Church (self giving, dying for them type love).

It's ironic, he used to say that was what he was trying to do. In MC he talked about all the things he did for me, how he always put me first. But really,he did that to feed his resentment of me, to feed his passive aggression. I didn't ask him to do those things. He wanted me to feel beholden to him, an emotional transaction where I would owe him a huge debt. It wasn't love.

[This message edited by Softcentre at 11:55 AM, June 17th, 2014 (Tuesday)]

norabird posted 6/17/2014 15:20 PM

He always used to say that the Bible said that the woman needs to choose to submit to her husband, but that the husband has to love him wife like Christ loves the Church (self giving, dying for them type love).

Major

Nature_Girl posted 6/17/2014 20:04 PM

He always used to say that the Bible said that the woman needs to choose to submit to her husband, but that the husband has to love him wife like Christ loves the Church (self giving, dying for them type love).

My ex used to use the Bible & my religion against me ALL THE TIME. And towards the end when he knew that I was not going to go back to the intimidated doormat I'd always been, that I intended to hold him accountable, then he laid on thick how unchristian I was because I didn't forgive him as God had forgiven him. Always conveniently failing to include the 15 years of forgiveness from me for the abuse & other infidelities I'd turned my cheek to, never mentioning that God forgives us when we admit our sins & ask for forgiveness & demonstrate a change of heart & repentance, something he never once did, not ever.

It's so low when they use religion to keep us down.

peridot posted 6/17/2014 22:33 PM

When my kids had visitation with their dad I sent them in only things I wouldn't care about not getting returned. I usually sent them in things from yard sales, thrift stores or Wal-Mart and never spent much money on those things. I made asshole provide everything they needed while with him. The kids only went with the clothes they were wearing, nothing else.

Softcentre posted 6/18/2014 01:42 AM

NG - I hear you. He did it in that passive aggressive "I have the harder job because I have to love you like Christ" way...so gently belittled my own role in the relationship, whilst bigging up how hard his was.

To The Arse:

No, jackass, "male and female he created them" and "there is no male, no female" in Christ...make it clear that we're created equal.

But that given the greater power position that many men have in society compared to women, many women need to not carry on their resentment against the unfair power imbalance into their family life. Wives need to realise that they have the CHOICE to submit or not to a LOVING husband (a husband who should be willing to submit themselves too, so much that they would be willing to serve and die for them) rather than carrying on the battle of the sexes and seeing their husband as a foe...especially in a society of arranged marriages.

And given the power imbalance in society, many men need to remember not to carry their power games into the marriage, but submit themselves to their wives in love, like Christ loves the Church.

So jackass, it is not a passage to be used to tell all and sundry that men have the harder role in marriage (using more power games), but to liberate marriages from those very power games. And to encourage love and not adversity.


Peridot - He collects ds6 from school, so he's in school uniform & needs a sunhat. The Arse returns them on a Sunday, minutes before I need to take them to Church,so I have to give him clothes,otherwise he'd return them in school uniform. It's not bad generally. And he will simply learn that (unlike in our M, when I'd replace the lost things) there will be financial and time consequences for losing their things - he will have to buy replacements, using his own time and money.

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