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Are you just waiting for someone better?

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neecee posted 6/17/2014 06:13 AM

Just wondering. Whether you R wholeheartedly or begrudgingly, do you feel like you are just waiting for someone better to come along? I cant help thinking that if I R with my WH that I'm now going to have a wandering eye and that I'm always gonna "keep my eyes opened." I was never like that before. I've been loyal and committed to my H since they day I met him 28 years ago. But now I feel like his A was a game changer and not only will our marriage be different, but so will I. Does anyone feel this way?

mozzchops posted 6/17/2014 06:21 AM

I think this is normal after a betrayal.
Yes it is a game changer. I feel the same.

KatieG posted 6/17/2014 06:46 AM

Its a total game changer. But I like to think I am stronger now because of it. I know what my show stoppers are now - I didn't before. I know what I will accept and not accept.

I don't see it as waiting for someone better - I am 100% committed to R and I believe he is too. There's no forever anymore.

MindMonkey posted 6/17/2014 07:16 AM

I'll raise my hand.

I'm not looking for someone better. Take out the infidelity (I wish) and there really wouldn't be a better option than FWW.

See, one (of many) reasons I opted to R was that I didn't feel like I could start over. Looking for another partner scares the hell outta me. But if a woman started taking a fancy to me, I fear I'd be tempted.

For this reason, I keep the boundries pretty tight. And to a degree of pathetic, if I'm going out without my wife, dress like a broke, lazy, good-for-nothing man. So far it's worked. Of course I work in a 95% male dominated industry.

Strugglestreet posted 6/17/2014 07:21 AM

I could totally have written this post myself!!! I am always looking at guys now, and noticing those that notice me……this is something I never did before my WH had his affair

The A has definitely changed me!

karmahappens posted 6/17/2014 07:27 AM

I don't think there is a normal/not normal after an affair.

We all manage the after-math differently.

For me I didn't want someone else to be my better. I knew my husband could be that person.

I had to wait a bit to decide to R, I had to watch my husband a bit, untangle my brain some and decide if I was willing to go all in.

I decided I was and he accepted the offer.

We went in 100% and I have never looked at or wanted anyone else on this trip with me.

It's something you need to weigh. If the ideas of someone else stay with you, you may want to reconsider R. R or D, what is important is your healing. You have to decide what the best road for you will be. Take your time and make the decision when you know you are ready to jump all in, no matter which direction you choose.

LA44 posted 6/17/2014 07:28 AM

I have the opposite approach. I entered R after such a devastating betrayal with a cautious but "I'm in" attitude. But he had to be in too. If he was not remorseful, working at R and at himself, then there would be no chance at R.

We are rebuilding something here. And I am rebuilding me as well. I am pretty clear about who I am, where I stand and what I will put up with now. I lost me pre-A but found a new and more resilient me in this R process.

I see it as a huge waste of time being with someone while on the look-out for someone "better". If you just experience D-Day, this is understandable. But if you are still feeling that way months from now and certainly next year at this time, then you may want to re-evaluate what you want/need and go after it. The A may very well have been a deal-breaker for you and life is too short to spend time with someone you cannot see a future with.


[This message edited by LA44 at 7:38 AM, June 17th (Tuesday)]

Daisy312 posted 6/17/2014 07:41 AM

Total game changer for me! Not that I'm out actively seeking someone better, but like you I defenatly do notice men that I never noticed before. I look at how they look, act, and notice me now. The funny thing is though no matter how attractive or funny the guy is, I still think FWH trumps them somehow. Idk if it's just all the years with FWH, or if he really is the one or me. Only time will tell I guess.

1owner posted 6/17/2014 07:56 AM

Those kind of thoughts have crossed my mind, but the only ones that stuck for any time were where WW and I split and I'm just myself with my kids.

Marriage was good for awhile, she became an alcoholic and eventually cheated. The addiction personality remains. Who knows what really happened and for how long.

Not sure I would want another relationship, at least not anytime soon, with anyone.

bionicgal posted 6/17/2014 07:59 AM

No, I am not waiting for anyone else.
Have I noticed when I get noticed more? Yes -- but I think that is just my flagging ego. Like most times when my ego is squawking out at me, I try not to take it seriously. After all, that is what got my H in his predicament.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 8:00 AM, June 17th (Tuesday)]

PollyA posted 6/17/2014 08:50 AM

I am definitely not looking. I trusted him so completely, have known him for so loooooonnnnng.

If I didn't know HIM, how can I ever know anyone?

2married2quit posted 6/17/2014 08:55 AM

Agreed. It's a game changer and you start wondering about things. I am not looking but situations have presented themselves to me that it has been somewhat tempting. Why? Because I could deal with my current situation and fight hard, hurt bad and go through the process or I can start fresh and new? Someone more compatible? Someone who not only would be more pleasing, but perhaps make me happier?

2married2quit posted 6/17/2014 08:57 AM

I too would not want another relationship anyway. If we were to split, I think I'd take some time alone. My heart has been beat up way too much to think about giving it away so easily again.

atsenaotie posted 6/17/2014 09:02 AM

I agree with 2m2q. I am headed for D, and in the post D future I see much more focus on me and rebuilding who I am as an individual than I do on dating or finding another partner. My first steps socially will be to expand and strengthen my social networks, not dating sites.

neecee, you are new to R judging by your registration date and so I think these sorts of questions are normal. If your WH "does his work" and you are able to see sustained change, then you can have an even stronger and more intimate M. OTOH, an A is a dealbreaker for some people, and in time you will learn if this was true for you or not.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 9:03 AM, June 17th (Tuesday)]

numb&dumb posted 6/17/2014 09:11 AM

Dday points out to the BS that the WS is optional in their future. You never considered it before, but it was always there.

You lost your naivete. That isn't a bad thing either.

rachelc posted 6/17/2014 09:22 AM

No. I'm convinced I'll never find anyone better. The only thing another man would have over him is not cheating on me...

I also compare other men to him and it is no contest.

musiclovingmom posted 6/17/2014 09:53 AM

For a little while right after dday, I played out some what if scenarios. See, when my H and I started seeing each other, we were seeing other people too. When the time came that I felt like I needed to focus on one person if I ever wanted anything more than just dates, I struggled. I wasn't sure who I wanted to choose. I chose my H for a lot of little reasons - one being that I thought he was safer. When that proved false, I wondered if I would have been spared the pain of infidelity if I had chosen differently.
That didn't last long though. When I stopped focusing only on his A's, I remembered the other reasons I chose my H. I knew I had made the right choice in him. I knew he was who I wanted to be with despite having other options. I knew that for our marriage to recover and grow, I had to be 100% invested in him, us and now. Anything else would have been dishonest. I would have been investing time and effort outside of my marriage - even if it was only in my thoughts - which is exactly what hurt me the most about his A's.
That said, it was a game changer. I am not the same. And neither is he. We are both more invested in each other. We are both more intentional about our time together. We are both communicate more openly.

MJane posted 6/17/2014 10:01 AM

Yes neceee - the thought occurs to me - surely to most people. Who wouldn't prefer someone who hasn't trashed commitment, lied to you daily and taken your very existence for granted? I see him with our child and I do remember why I loved him but more and more I am wondering if, for me, a M with infidelity can ever be anything but settling. What kind of a life is it knowing the person you loved most and trusted with all your secrets had not a single thought about your well-being? I see the things I fell in love with but then days like today i think they are outweighed by the immense pain he has left me in. If I were without kids or we weren't married I would definitely be walking away, licking my wounds and moving on. I'm trying to work out if the M and children make it worth staying or not - am not convinced he is the man or for me nor me for him - he looked elsewhere so clearly he kept his options open...

LA44 posted 6/17/2014 11:47 AM

This has got me thinking....define better.

So he is not going to cheat (or he hasn't yet), this new guy. But does he lie? Does he spend his money on foolish things? Does he treat his parents with contempt? Does he flit from job to job? Is he rude to people in lesser positions? Does he ignore children? The elderly? Is he a control freak who ditches you every Sunday when football starts up and want you to stay home when its girls night out?

neecee, just going back to what was said earlier by me and ats...if your H does the work. If he GETS it, if he is hell-bent on winning your back then you are going to get "the man" you deserve. The real man and not some delusional cheap imitation. But yeah. Time will tell you all you need to know.

For now, so early on in this difficult time, take care of YOU. Treat yourself with the upmost respect you deserve.

[This message edited by LA44 at 11:50 AM, June 17th (Tuesday)]

Lostinthismess posted 6/17/2014 12:04 PM

There are good guys that don't cheat though. Implying that 'someone better' is a dbag that just hasn't cheating is selling your options short. Someone better is someone that didn't have to destroy you to figure out they wanted you. Someone that didn't trade you and your marriage for a piece on the side. Someone that's not willing to compromise their morals for sex.

Best case senario, is a ws that gets it, that becomes the best they can be, but still destroyed you in the process. Is that really the best you deserve though. (You used as a general term, not specific to anyone). This is really what someone has to decide if they want to r. Or rather I'm projecting, because it's where I am stuck.

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