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BH wants to talk..I am nervous.

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SoSorry17 posted 6/17/2014 11:20 AM

Got a text from Swat about an hour ago. He wants to sit down and have a talk. He said he still has some questions he would like answered. I told him I would be available and would answer all of his questions.

I'm starting to panic a bit. I have nothing else to hide, but I'm afraid I'll just hurt him more. I don't know why, but I do.

floridaredman posted 6/17/2014 11:30 AM

No matter honest, truthful and do not minimize.

Do not let fear govern your answers...

SoSorry17 posted 6/17/2014 11:47 AM

frm, thanks for responding. I intend to, but I'm scared. I know way deep down I have to let go of the outcome of marriage. I'm working on that, but right this second I'm afraid this is the death blow. I'm afraid I'll just screw up again and he will be hurt even more.

floridaredman posted 6/17/2014 12:05 PM

All he wants from you is the truth. The best way to show him how much you love him is to put your fears on the back burner.
Be empathetic
Be loving
Be selfless

Be transparent.

Your honesty will go way farther than you trying to control the outcome.

This is not about what you want, this is about what SWAT needs

SoSorry17 posted 6/17/2014 12:11 PM

Thank you. I don't mean to freak out. It just really caught me off guard and I think I needed a minute to settle down.

caspers1wish posted 6/17/2014 12:13 PM

I honestly think you should give yourself a break here and stop second guessing yourself so much. You are not perfect nor have to be. Be as honest as you can, as open as you can. That's all you can do at this point. You are not a yo yo. You may say the wrong thing, it'll be ok. You may not have all the answers he's looking for or they won't be good enough for him. You'll be ok. You may disappoint. You'll be ok. If it's the deathblow, you'll be ok. You're hurting, you both are. Emotions are still running high and neither know which way is up. Be gentle with each other.

Hugs and support.

walktheline posted 6/17/2014 12:52 PM

You may hurt him more...if you answer his questions honestly, it's definitely possible that he'll get hurt.

What's important is telling him the truth and giving him what he wants. It's the right thing for both of you.

You can do this. Be strong. Don't break down. I mean this gently -- don't make it about you, how sorry you are, how you wish it had never happened. Keep the focus on him, answering his questions. Don't be a victim. (I say this as someone who was once the world's biggest victim. I wish someone had told me this stuff years ago.)

I'll be sending good vibes your way.

finallyfree2011 posted 6/17/2014 12:59 PM

Its tough - just be honest.

Hoping he will see the love you still have for him.

MissesJai posted 6/17/2014 13:24 PM


The truth is going to hurt him but if you TT or minimize at all, you will hurt him even more.

SWAT is strong - he can handle the truth. He deserves it, so when he asks for it, give it to him.

and I totally second what caspers said. Nobody is perfect - no WS or BS. We are human. Allow yourself to be human and to accept that with that humanity comes mistakes, flaws, and pain on both sides of the equation.

sending you positive vibes and strength to get through the talk. Be gentle with yourself.

Darkness Falls posted 6/17/2014 13:29 PM

I agree with everything the others said. Sending strength and support your way.

somethingremorse posted 6/17/2014 13:30 PM

Hang in there.

No matter what happens, all you can do is live honestly and purposefully for today. The past is in the books and the future hasn't been written yet.

SoSorry17 posted 6/17/2014 17:16 PM

Oh boy. That was not fun at all. I'm proud of myself though. I was painfully honest with him. It wasn't so much a talk as an interrogation. I've never seen him like that. He just kept asking and asking, then asked me to explain. He wasn't a BH, he was a cop getting a confession. But it was weird, because I could almost see through his questions. I could see and feel his pain and indecision.

He had some questions I wasn't able to answer and I told him, that I didn't have answers to them but I was working on finding them. He seems to think I don't and didn't love him. How else could I have done it? I assured him that wasn't the case and there wasn't anything he did or didn't do. It was all my decision. That I didn't cope with my issues appropriately.

By the third pot of coffee, he got to the sex questions, my pictures and about my journal. Prior to today not my finest moment, but again I was honest. He didn't stop with just my affair though. He wanted my complete sexual history and wanted to know why I sent pictures. He especially wanted to know why I sent pictures that would be so easily identified and had my custom made piercings.(BH considered them almost like wedding rings) I know I mentioned there was a sex act I performed with AP that I didn't with Swat.

This point of the convo hurt me the most. This is when I saw my beautiful man, was crushed. He had no self esteem because of this and what I had written. I explained to the best of my ability, the journal was fantasy and just a way to validate my feelings, and I actually used the journal to avoid AP for a while. I kept it after dday to keep reading it and get my fix. The pictures I needed validation and AP wanted them, so I sent them and no I didn't think about how BH would have felt. It was all about me and what I wanted. I tried for a little humor about the sex act, not a good idea. Swat is a very large man, AP not so much. AP is literally "half" the man. I don't think I need to spell it out.

By the end we were both done in. I had cried and he broke down a time or two as well. He thanked me for explaining everything and for my honesty. For some reason he actually believes me and I'm being completely honest. I told him I wasn't giving up my fight for him. Five months or fifty five years, I wasn't going to give up. And I'll tell you all, I really meant that. He gave me a hug and kissed me.(a whopper I might add )

He thanked me for saying that and said it meant a lot. He asked if I would be willing to have dinner Friday night and we can talk some more. My answer was absofreakinglutly.

I made mistakes today but I was honest and I think I helped him. At least I hope I did. I feel beat up and yet lighter at the same time.

I want to thank you all, because I'm being honest, the 2x4's and your kind words have sunk in. His healing is what is important and I'm just here to help. So thank you all very much.

knightsbff posted 6/17/2014 17:34 PM

Good job. I know how scary it was, I've been there myself. It takes a lot of guts to be honest about the horrendous things we've done, especially when we have developed the ability to lie and hide our ugliness. Being honest is the first step to a new improved, happier you.


WalkinOnEggshelz posted 6/17/2014 17:54 PM

Good job on being honest with him. Also, letting him know you want to fight for him.

If you haven't started one yet, I recommend writing that timeline. I guarantee you that this is only the beginning of many more discussions. As things come to him, as he begins to realize each level of each betrayal, he will want to talk to you about it.

Neither one of you have any idea how many ripples are involved. How many layers. You have what is considered a double betrayal. Not only have you betrayed him, but your AP has betrayed him too. He isn't a faceless name. He can picture in his mind every act you just described. That will take some processing on his part. And he will get angry.

Be there for him. Answer every question. And when you can't, let him know you will do your best to find the answer.

Good job today. It was a good start to becoming a better person. Now go take care of your kiddos and let them know how much they are loved.

20WrongsVs1 posted 6/17/2014 18:18 PM

I kept it after dday to keep reading it and get my fix.

Your true reason for keeping the journal was immediately least to me. You forgot you had it, uh-huh.

Now you've told the truth, even though it was embarrassing and painful. Well done. And just to be clear, this isn't a 2x4 or an I-told-you-so. To me, this looks like Day One of your recovery.

tired girl posted 6/17/2014 18:27 PM

Good job today. These talks are never easy. I am glad that you have stuck around and continued to post. Keep it up.

raven3321 posted 6/17/2014 18:49 PM


[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:59 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)]

SoSorry17 posted 6/17/2014 18:57 PM


Your right on so many levels. It hurt because he saw all of my flaws and bad decisions. But actually getting it out in the open felt weird. Good and bad at the same time. I actually expected it to be worse, or rather his reaction to be worse. But he just took in what I said and started again. There were a few times I felt I wanted to minimize and I almost did. But "be honest and don't lie to him" kept popping into my head. So I was honest and didn't lie and he was still there, he didn't just walk away. After everything I've said and done to him, how did he stay?

He mentioned he "knew" about my affair last year when I was actually cheating. But he just didn't know the extent or with who. He said after he was injured and I was "back" he put it on the back burner so to speak.

floridaredman posted 6/17/2014 19:31 PM

Good Job! Keep it up.

Darkness Falls posted 6/17/2014 19:35 PM

I am proud of you. That took courage! Keep it up.

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