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beenstruggling posted 6/17/2014 11:25 AM

What steps or processes did you use to completely cut your cheating spouse out of your life? After a million chances I've decided not to let mine have any power over me and my life and as long as he's still with the AP he will not be in my life. It's a struggle we shared our lives together for almost 10 years and I still miss him. But any advice besides blocking his number?

Junebug0525 posted 6/17/2014 12:31 PM

Don't respond. He may contact you, try to get a rise, etc, but just don't respond. If you don't have any reason to talk (divorce proceedings, finances, etc), then completely disengage. Eventually he'll get the hint.

MyTurnATL posted 6/17/2014 13:38 PM

Don't respond is great advice.

Also, if you are a snooper, stop! You don't need to know what's going on in his life.

If you still have mutual friends, let them know you do not want to know about him. He is not a topic of conversation/gossip.

If you share any joint accounts/bills, get them separated and get his name off so you don't have to see it.

Same goes for mail. If his mail is still coming to your place, forward it to wherever he is so you don't have to see his name when you pick up the mail.

Get rid of his pictures. I have one picture of ex in my house and it is one with our children when they were younger (they are grown now) and that is there for my children.

Basically, get rid of any physical evidence that reminds you of him.

The harder part is to stop the mental longing. It's not easy, and takes time. When I found myself getting nostalgic, I said STOP! (out loud if I was alone), and immediately turned my mind to something else (like a vacation I was planning, or a project I was working, or a fantasy guy). I had several "something else" stand-bys at all times so that I wouldn't be searching around for something else to focus on.

Over time, you will find that he will take up less and less of your head space.

norabird posted 6/17/2014 15:02 PM

Block him on facebook.

Write to or call or chat or text friends and family if you want to reach out to him.

Come here and post.

Read books on moving on--Susan Elliott Getting Past Your Breakup is one. She offers techniques.

Try and divert your thoughts away actively. I sucked at this! But they diverted themselves on their own, eventually.

Do things for you and focus on the positive and the good ahead and the now.

It will get better. You're experiencing the aftereffects. They're not permanent. Healing will come--especially if you work at it.

[This message edited by norabird at 3:14 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)]

Charity411 posted 6/17/2014 16:32 PM

You've gotten great advice about taking your life back. What helped me during this phase was visualizing what I wanted my life to be like. Without him. I still wanted him for a time, but if that wasn't going to happen then I needed to create a positive picture in my head of my new life and work at getting there. When ever that old heart tugging happened, I thought about my life being lied to, cheated on and manipulated and compared it with the new one. The new one always won. It got easier and easier. I can remember making concious decisions to do things I knew he wouldn't like. Things I wanted to do while married that he would never have approved of. You'll get through this. Sometimes it's easier to move toward something positive than it is to move away from something negative, because it's what we've become accustomed to.