This past week has been a mess. I am sick of how I am feeling so I am trying to just get this out in an attempt to try and release it all.
I snapped last week everything came crashing down and I took off. I wanted to hurt myself, escape, and long story short I ended up being lectured by the police about the meaning behind my words and actions. Ironically it was hours after an IC session. I was writing to release my issues with obsessing over my BS talking to OM, one in particular. I ended up calling the OM who proceeded to fuel this by f'ng with my head. I don't know what to believe and I need to get my sh!t together. I'm ashamed with who I was and how I deal or am not able to deal with things.
I'm really struggling with the physical separation, being away from my family, out of our house - BS even took away my key. I feel totally isolated, desperate and like a waste of space. I own the fact that I caused this situation with my horrible choices over the course of my relationship. I don't know what tomorrow will bring and need to get my head above water.
My core issues are an incredible need to feel wanted and accepted, terrible fear of abandonment and rejection, selfishness, fear of emotions, difficulty expressing my thoughts and feelings and being vulnerable and intimate. I am a sex/love addict - it isn't about the sex it comes down to the addiction of feeling the attention. I know the void is within me and all it serves to do is fuel everything negatively.
I guess I just need to get this out and try to focus. Thanks for listening.