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Really Struggling Right Now

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LostTime posted 6/17/2014 11:34 AM

This past week has been a mess. I am sick of how I am feeling so I am trying to just get this out in an attempt to try and release it all.

I snapped last week everything came crashing down and I took off. I wanted to hurt myself, escape, and long story short I ended up being lectured by the police about the meaning behind my words and actions. Ironically it was hours after an IC session. I was writing to release my issues with obsessing over my BS talking to OM, one in particular. I ended up calling the OM who proceeded to fuel this by f'ng with my head. I don't know what to believe and I need to get my sh!t together. I'm ashamed with who I was and how I deal or am not able to deal with things.

I'm really struggling with the physical separation, being away from my family, out of our house - BS even took away my key. I feel totally isolated, desperate and like a waste of space. I own the fact that I caused this situation with my horrible choices over the course of my relationship. I don't know what tomorrow will bring and need to get my head above water.

My core issues are an incredible need to feel wanted and accepted, terrible fear of abandonment and rejection, selfishness, fear of emotions, difficulty expressing my thoughts and feelings and being vulnerable and intimate. I am a sex/love addict - it isn't about the sex it comes down to the addiction of feeling the attention. I know the void is within me and all it serves to do is fuel everything negatively.

I guess I just need to get this out and try to focus. Thanks for listening.

wishicouldredo posted 6/21/2014 00:58 AM

Here's hoping things are looking better for you LostTime. That's a lot of issues brewing under one lid. How's your recovery coming? I ask because (Gently) in reading some of your posts, your focus is everywhere but where it seems it should be. Heavy on the selfish undertones. Are you still acting out? My WH is/was also a SA and couldn't white knuckle it, it took focus and addressing his core issues to be able to work at active recovery and truly own his shit.

LostTime posted 6/21/2014 10:54 AM

wishicouldredo - Thank you for your response. It is appreciated. The selfish cynic in me thought it was fittingly ironic that I didn't get any responses to the post. There are a lot of good selfless people here, but I do see threads that garner a lot of attention and ironically that's exactly what the OP is looking for in some cases. It feeds their drama.

I am guilty of it too, this post made me realize that in fact. I am struggling right now. These last couple weeks have just been a downward spiral I am not acting out. I have started attending group meetings and will keep going. I just miss my beautiful wife so much it is agonizing. She just says it's my addiction and I suppose that's the reality I deserve from her but it's not going away. It really is about her - I'm not just lying to myself anymore.

I have brought this situation on myself, I am stuck in a real funk right now whether it's depression or what I can't focus I just keep shaming myself and punishing myself. I sit down and write things out and try to work and the obsessive thoughts keep creeping back in and taking over. I am just very isolated and things are getting worse not better. I have reached out to my IC and my doctor. Thank you for taking the time to respond to me. I really do appreciate it.

tired girl posted 6/21/2014 12:01 PM

Lost time,

Why are you focusing on your wife and what she is doing? Shouldn't your focus be on you? What are you doing to fix you?

Mitty posted 6/22/2014 16:27 PM

Just so you know your not alone.

Same as, living a caravan at the back of my shop, Amazing BS 2 miles up the road, 4 kids, 2,4,7&9 and shes 8 months pregnant.

I looked at porn after almost 2 years, lots of shame and guilt, i know where your at mate.

Mitty

LostTime posted 6/24/2014 08:13 AM

tired girl -

Why are you focusing on your wife and what she is doing?

I am having trouble letting go. I know I have to, but I'm obsessing about the what ifs instead of focusing on fixing myself and supporting her.

Shouldn't your focus be on you? What are you doing to fix you?

Yes it should be, but I find myself defending my feelings and reacting when she reacts and says things whether hurtful, indifferent or negative.

What am I doing to fix me? I'm working through IC weekly. I'm exercising to deal with anxiety and/or depression. I'm trying not to think, not to obsess. I'm writing through my thought processes from the past when I was cheating/lying sack of shit. Trying to get into my head over 10 years ago is hard. It's like looking back on a dream but a nightmare. I'm working to focus on awareness of my selfishness - breaking apart the pattern that fed it to a subconscious way of being complete with lies and justifications. I'm attending SLAA group meetings and working on finding the positives within myself instead of wallowing in the negatives.

Letting go of the outcome feels overwhelming. I'm someone who's never really allowed myself to deal with emotions and emotionally challenging situations and now i'm all emotions all the time.

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