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Newest Member: Giupeppe (46032)

User Topic: First Post in Months, Need Support
Brave30
♀ 41124
Member # 41124
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It has been months since I posted on here. And, I could write a novel of all the things that have happened during the course of those months.

Just a bit of back story. STBXH is a serial cheater. DDay #1 happened years ago. Spent 5 years in False R and then was slammed with DDay #2 almost a year ago. (I have plenty of reasons to suspect several other affairs but have been working hard with my counselor to let that go.)

Our divorce is at a stand still. He refuses to settle. CS is being fought from his side. And Custody is a mess.

The reason I'm posting now, to make a long story short, is that I was awarded Temp. Sole Physical Custody of our children following a very serious incident involving STBXH and OW. And, we're now fighting through the courts regarding the children. It is a never ending struggle. He has serious control issues and I believe the only reason he is fighting to have the kids back is because it is a way to get back at me and because he is a narcissist who see the children as an extension of himself. He only wants them when it looks good for him.

I wish I could have sat back and laughed as the karma bus hit him full force. He was arrested following this incident, which my children were present during, and it has severely damaged his "image" both personally and professionally. I wish I could have said, "I told you so." But sadly, all it did has done is create instability in mine and my children's lives. The courts do not seem particularly helpful because he didn't directly hurt or threaten the children. I was awarded the temporary order but when we went last month to discuss how to proceed, our custody conciliator didn't seem even remotely concerned by the charges against him. She seemed hesitant to agree to the supervised visitation that my attorney requested but that is ultimately what he was given. My STBXH spent 90% of the conference blasting me and making himself look like an idiot. But, sadly, I'm very aware there are not laws against being a jackass.

We are heading back to court again very soon and my attorney isn't optimistic. He feels that given the facts of the case and that my STBXH is doing all the things he is required to do, that they will probably suggest we go back to the original stipulation. How do I deal with the fear that this is causing me? How do I let this man take my children? They are school-aged and clearly can't defend themselves.

The further away from my ex I get, the clearer the picture becomes. He tried to paint this current situation as some sort of isolated incident because he is a veteran. But, looking back on our marriage I can see that isn't the case. He has a history of controlling behavior and while he never out right hit me, as he did to OW, he would get in my face and back me against walls and furniture. He was extremely manipulative with me on an emotional and mental level. He had a way of making me feel like I had done something wrong and he still tries to do that with me now. He has all the signs of an abuser and does a very good of making people believe he is the victim.

I'm sorry if this is rambling and vague. I guess I'm just looking for anyone who has been in a similar situation. It was hard enough not seeing my children for two days out of the week, even before all this happened. Now, I feel that I'll be constantly worried about their safety while they're in his care. I don't know if he would ever physically harm them but I'm fairly confident that they will continue to witness unhealthy behavior between their father and OW, who has chosen to "stand by her man." The children are in counseling and their counselor is aware of the situation and is keeping a close eye on them. The school is aware as well and they have been a tremendous help. I've tried to have eyes and ears everywhere. Guess that's all I can do. Create a safety net and a support system for the kids and pray like crazy that he doesn't do something reckless.


Posts: 71 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United States
Junebug0525
♀ 29142
Member # 29142
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is there any way that you can try to get court-ordered therapy or anger management or something before the courts give him custody again?


Me: BS
Him: WXH DDay-11/22/2009~ D~ 10/25/10
OWhore: Co-worker (7 years younger)
"Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." AND THEY DID!!!

Posts: 1146 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Maryland
Brave30
♀ 41124
Member # 41124
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has been receiving counseling through the VA and provided documentation that he is doing so. He also needed to have an evaluation done to prove he was fit to return to work, which he and his attorney submitted as well. That's why my attorney doesn't think we have a very strong case to fight for any modification to the previous custody stipulation. We're still going to ask but he told me to prepare for it to return to the original stipulation.

But, I know my STBXH and deep in my gut I feel it is all for show. After his first affair he went through the motions of trying to win me back. Months upon months of IC and MC. Surface level nonsense, all the while fooling our counselor, our families and myself that he really wanted to save his marriage and family. Sadly, he never stopped cheating. It is mind-blowing the level of manipulation.

He has no other documented episodes of violence. But, I can see the escalation. CPS literally told me that unless he directly threatened or harmed the children they could not step in. I couldn't get a PFA on the children's behalf because, again, he didn't directly hurt them.

He "only" loaded a gun,assaulted OW, threatened to then kill himself and at some point left the loaded gun unattended within reach of the children. And yet, since several months have passed, the courts don't see anything wrong with it because he is "getting help." He initially blamed the entire incident on PTSD but then contradicted himself in the conference by saying that it was OW fault because she assaulted him first, he hit her back and then threatened to kill himself because he felt so guilty for attacking her. I've gotten fairly familiar with abusive behavior and that right there is blatantly abusive. It puts him firmly back in the victim seat and allows him to blameshift. He has taken no responsibility for any of this. That is what concerns me. I don't know if any amount of proof that he is seeing a counselor will put me at ease. And I feel at a total loss because to the courts he is doing everything to redeem himself. Whether its fake or not.


Posts: 71 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United States
nowiknow23
♀ 33226
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, honey. I'm so sorry. I don't have any experience with this, but wanted to give you support. ((((brave & kiddos))))


You can call me NIK

"Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and shadows will fall behind you."
-Walt Whitman


Posts: 26489 | Registered: Aug 2011
Hidingmyhurt
♀ 43525
Member # 43525
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, June 17th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((HUGS))))) Brave30

I don't have any ideas but offering support!


Me: BW 39
Him: STBXWH 47
Married 10 years
2 sons, 14 and 9
DDays 2004,2008,2012 and 5/8/14

Posts: 60 | Registered: May 2014 | From: USA
brokeninfl
♀ 21896
Member # 21896
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Brave)))))

I am so sorry. I don't have any experiance with this - but I wanted lend my support as well.

CPS literally told me that unless he directly threatened or harmed the children they could not step in. I couldn't get a PFA on the children's behalf because, again, he didn't directly hurt them.

He "only" loaded a gun,assaulted OW, threatened to then kill himself and at some point left the loaded gun unattended within reach of the children. And yet, since several months have passed, the courts don't see anything wrong with it because he is "getting help."

I litterly *gasped* when I read this. I am horrifed for you and your children. I don't understand the court system.

I will be thinking of you --and praying you get supervised visitation. Your poor DC.


"On the other side of fear lies freedom"

Me - 36 BS
Him - doesn't matter
2 DS
DD 11/08
Divorced.


Posts: 1074 | Registered: Dec 2008
Brave30
♀ 41124
Member # 41124
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, June 18th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the support.

Maybe there isn't a whole lot I can do at this point besides wait and see what the court says. And then pray like crazy that the kids will be okay. I know I can't control his behavior. I can only control my reaction to him and try with everything I have to minimize the damage inflicted on the children. I keep hoping that deep down STBXH knows that he is being watched by several different entities and since his appearance is so important to him, he will keep himself out of trouble.


Posts: 71 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United States
Topic Posts: 7

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