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BH wants to rugsweep

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Lost74 posted 6/17/2014 12:08 PM

Almost 6 months out from dday and it's like it was yesterday. BH went to MC one time and then refused to go back saying that I was the one with the problem and issue and he doesn't need any help. The affair was all my fault so I'm the bad person not him (I agree) I have been going to IC for myself since then. He has totally shut down and won't talk to me unless I ask a question about the kids. He is very angry (and has a right to be) and is disgusted with me. He is hateful and mean bordering on cruel at times to me with his actions and with a few words that he says. He refuses to talk about the affair even though I want to have it all out in the open and discuss everything. I want to reconcile I don't want to rugsweep. We obviously had issues of communication and they need to be discussed as well as the affair. He doesn't want to do this. However he will make little mean comments from time to time like he passed my AP driving and said " I just saw your boyfriend." He doesn't want to get divorced and we haven't separated at all. He just repainted and redid the kids bedrooms in these bright colors and also repainted our master bathroom so I don't think he has any plans on leaving. I have been honest with him since dday there is no trickle truth or any details he doesn't know about. I have just devastated him and I don't know what to do. Being given the silent treatment for months is wearing on me. So I need some advice on what to do. Do I continue on as is and hope his anger eventually subsides and we can talk? Also how should a WS be treated? I know I did something horrible but do I deserve to be treated badly? Part of me says yes I do. Anyone else encountered this?

Lost74 posted 6/17/2014 12:27 PM

I should add that I had a 4 month Ea/ 3 month pa that ended with him discovering texts. At that moment when the devastation of what I did really hit me, I went NC with AP and have been ever since.

MovingUpward posted 6/17/2014 12:47 PM

While you did something wrong that devestated your BH, you might feel the need to give him some leeway in his emotions and his responses to you. The biggest issue it seems with your BH is that he is stuck. Anger still fills him and you are is only outlet it seems. I honestly do not see his behavior changing until he releases all the anger and I am not sure he knows how to do that so it brews in him.

I do believe that he should be less trusting of you until you continually prove your trustworthiness but the silent treatment and digs indicate that he is stuggling to cope. I would actually bring this up with your IC. Talk about if there are ways to help him get started on his healing. Maybe the IC would have a joint session or a session with him to discover what he is waiting to see to start opening up again. For you can only repair the issues within you. The issues of the marriage will require the work of both of you.

Good luck

20WrongsVs1 posted 6/17/2014 12:49 PM

What you're going through isn't uncommon. A lot of folks here say the "anger phase" hits around 6 months. If what you're describing, "little mean comments" is the extent of BH's ill treatment of you, then my advice is to bear it with as much grace as you can. It's not a contest, but if his treatment of you hurts, imagine for a moment how he feels about what you did. Seeing AP drive by? Can you take a moment and appreciate how horrifying that must be for BH?

Him giving you the silent treatment and dropping the occasional "mean comment," ask yourself, would you prefer that, or him moving out and filing for D? Given that perspective, how long do you think you can tolerate his current behavior? I'm not saying you should forever, that's up to you to decide. He may be taking a "wait and see" approach, to see what kind of changes you make, and determine whether you're becoming a safe partner.

Question. When he says, "I saw your BF today," how do you respond?

We obviously had issues of communication and they need to be discussed as well as the affair.

Be very careful about the order you put these in. Even hinting that the pre-A "communication issues" contributed to your A (not saying you're doing that) would be unwise at this point.

Stillnotoverit posted 6/17/2014 13:14 PM

Didn't see stop sign, just wanted say welcome and be patient. It's only been 6 months sense his world blew up. As many on here hav said this is a marathon. Not everyone is willing to do the work. Not saying U aren't just be prepared. EVERYTHING is now different it will never be the same again. Doesn't mean it can't be good or even better. Bit it's never going to be like it was. He is going to need a lot of time you too. Right now he doesn't even know who he is anymore, if he even wants u. He defiently feels line he is second to the other guy and yes especially sex. Do be there help him if u can councilong will help him. Me 10 yrs out name days it all wish you and your family the best.

Lost74 posted 6/17/2014 13:16 PM

Thank you MovingUpward and 20Wrongs for the feedback. I agree he is stuck and I hate seeing him in this place and that I'm the one who put him there! 20wrongs-- I know it's a trigger anytime he passes the AP and unfortunately we live close by so it will happen every now and then. I want my marriage and dont want him to move out or D so yes, it is better than that. The fact that he is still here with me says a lot and is important. The only thing I can do now is be there for him and show him I'm committed to R. I responded with: "he is not my boyfriend" and at that point he left the room. Our communication problems before did not contribute to my affair. It was my own brokenness that did that and I'm dealing with it thru ic. Right now I'm taking one day at a time

7yrsflushed posted 6/17/2014 13:38 PM

Has your BH specifically told you he needs space or to leave him alone? Does he have someone to talk to about this or is he keeping it to himself. He needs an outlet of some kind.

I responded with: "he is not my boyfriend" and at that point he left the room.
Did you go after him to ask if he was okay and let him know that if he wants to talk about it you are ready when he is? Did you tell him that you were sorry that you put him in that position and you love him? He may not want to talk but he hears that you are concerned versus you allowing him to walk away. When he walks away he thinks she said he wasn't her boyfirned but she never once said she was sorry or she loved me or she would never do it again or anything else. The thoughts in his head become his reality and what he remembers versus what you actually said to try to get him to open up or show that you are sorry and genuinely concerned. It sucks but some BS's do keep "score" in our heads even if we don't realize it. Some of us even get stuck in a punishing phase just to see if you will run off to the AP again. Think about it from your BH's perspective, why reinvest emotionally when all you are going to do is run away to AP again? It sucks but some get stuck in this mode and the anger doesn't help. Unless he has told you it's over and filed then don't give up yet if you want to stay married. Consistency does count even if it doesn't seem like it and you don't see an immediate benefit.

He is going to be hurting for a LONG time. At some point you are likely to become his biggest trigger. If this is not a dealbreaker for him then one of these times he IS going to be ready to talk about it but you may miss it if you don't see it for what it is. I am not saying you have to stay around and be verbally abused, although you didn't say he did that. You also have a choice in the matter but please understand that he's still there and processing things. He can't bottle this stuff up forever. At some point it WILL come out and he will deal with the anger on his own. The key is will you be there to support him as he deals with it or not. You can no more rush his healing than he can yours. Just my 2 cents and I wish you both the best.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 1:45 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)]

Lost74 posted 6/17/2014 14:08 PM

Thanks Stillnotoverit! 7yrsflushed--he has told me a couple of times to leave him alone and I have respected his wishes and left the room if we were in the same room for example. He has told 2 of his friends right after dday but won't talk to them about it anymore. I have even called his friend and said please reach out and talk to him and he did but he told his friend that he is fine just dealing with a bunch of shit. I wish he would talk to someone--a friend, go to ic. He needs to get it out as you said. He is a marathon runner and has been running more so that is a good outlet for him physically, but he talks to no one else about it. Early on after dday I did what you said and would go after him and say how sorry I was and try to comfort him, but I stopped afyer constant rejection. If I tried to hug him, he would either stand rigid as a stone and I was the only one hugging or physically push (not hard- he is not a violent person) me away so I couldn't touch him. I want to go to him but at the same time want to respect his need for being alone. You bring up a lot of good points and I thank you for your response. I'm thinking the next time he says something snippy, I will follow up with care and concern and if I get rejected so be it. I hope and pray this is not a deal breaker for him, but I will have to deal with it if it is. I love him so much and want to do whatever I can to help him.

OK now posted 6/17/2014 15:56 PM

Although he might not want the details of the affair I am surprised he isn't interested in the why? Why you started the adultery and what role did your BH's attitude and behavior play in that sad decision.

Don't see how he can start to heal without knowing why you committed infidelity, and what gave you justification for initiating the affair.

20WrongsVs1 posted 6/17/2014 16:25 PM

I responded with: "he is not my boyfriend" and at that point he left the room

Bzzzzt. Wrong answer. You need to start hearing his feelings instead of his words. Here's a little role playing for ya.

BH: "Guess who I saw today? Your boyfriend."

Lost74: "I'm sorry, it was so wrong of me to do that to you. I can never make it up to you, but is there anything I can do right now, to help you feel better?"

I'm thinking the next time he says something snippy, I will follow up with care and concern and if I get rejected so be it.

Good call. You already committed the ultimate rejection of him as a husband and a man, so quit complaining about the silent treatment, stop defending yourself, and try to manage a little empathy. It's hard, and it'll continue to be hard...for another year, or more.

I know I did something horrible but do I deserve to be treated badly?

Our actions have consequences, and so far you're getting off pretty light. If he were cursing you out in front of DC, or being physically abusive or threatening, I'd have different advice. Him venting out his anger with words, is actually a good thing.

jamcray posted 6/20/2014 02:03 AM

I don't see a stop sign so I wanted to post a reply. This is exactly how I have felt, like he blames me and makes me feel like I should be sugar and kisses all the time because he said he's sorry. It will last for a long time. At some point he will not be so angry anymore. In the meantime...I know this probably hurts, but please just try to take it if you want to make it work. We say a lot of things we don't mean just because we are hurting so much and we want to make you feel our pain.

I wish my WH would have taken it (the anger). Instead he flipped it around and made me feel like it was my fault. I've learned how to shut up to him, but I'm obviously I guess it only goes so far. Eventually your BS will figure out how to talk about it, as long as you continue to be transparent and making an effort.

Hope this helped a little.

Alonelyagain posted 6/20/2014 05:35 AM

Didn't see stop sign, so as BH's 2 cents: I don't see rugsweeping, I see anger. Also, for a different take on the room painting, I plan to paint master bedroom this weekend in order to facilitate sale of house when I pull the trigger and file for D.

tooanalytical posted 6/20/2014 06:26 AM

in order to facilitate sale of house

I thought the same thing too. I painted the shed, remodeled the kitchen, etc. It kept me occupied as I tried to get through everything and made the house more marketable just in case we moved to D and needed to unwind everything quickly.

Lost74 posted 6/20/2014 09:06 AM

Thank you all for the advice. He is angry and deeply hurt. I apologized to him again last night and told him I love him and that I am here if he wants to talk, whenever that may be. He didn't say anything-just continued to ignore me. I'm hopeful that in time he will talk, but until then I will wait patiently. That's the least I can do since I've crushed his world.

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