I do believe that he should be less trusting of you until you continually prove your trustworthiness but the silent treatment and digs indicate that he is stuggling to cope. I would actually bring this up with your IC. Talk about if there are ways to help him get started on his healing. Maybe the IC would have a joint session or a session with him to discover what he is waiting to see to start opening up again. For you can only repair the issues within you. The issues of the marriage will require the work of both of you.
Him giving you the silent treatment and dropping the occasional "mean comment," ask yourself, would you prefer that, or him moving out and filing for D? Given that perspective, how long do you think you can tolerate his current behavior? I'm not saying you should forever, that's up to you to decide. He may be taking a "wait and see" approach, to see what kind of changes you make, and determine whether you're becoming a safe partner.
Question. When he says, "I saw your BF today," how do you respond?
We obviously had issues of communication and they need to be discussed as well as the affair.
Be very careful about the order you put these in. Even hinting that the pre-A "communication issues" contributed to your A (not saying you're doing that) would be unwise at this point.
I responded with: "he is not my boyfriend" and at that point he left the room.
He is going to be hurting for a LONG time. At some point you are likely to become his biggest trigger. If this is not a dealbreaker for him then one of these times he IS going to be ready to talk about it but you may miss it if you don't see it for what it is. I am not saying you have to stay around and be verbally abused, although you didn't say he did that. You also have a choice in the matter but please understand that he's still there and processing things. He can't bottle this stuff up forever. At some point it WILL come out and he will deal with the anger on his own. The key is will you be there to support him as he deals with it or not. You can no more rush his healing than he can yours. Just my 2 cents and I wish you both the best.
[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 1:45 PM, June 17th (Tuesday)]
Don't see how he can start to heal without knowing why you committed infidelity, and what gave you justification for initiating the affair.
I responded with: "he is not my boyfriend" and at that point he left the room
Bzzzzt. Wrong answer. You need to start hearing his feelings instead of his words. Here's a little role playing for ya.
BH: "Guess who I saw today? Your boyfriend."
Lost74: "I'm sorry, it was so wrong of me to do that to you. I can never make it up to you, but is there anything I can do right now, to help you feel better?"
I'm thinking the next time he says something snippy, I will follow up with care and concern and if I get rejected so be it.
Good call. You already committed the ultimate rejection of him as a husband and a man, so quit complaining about the silent treatment, stop defending yourself, and try to manage a little empathy. It's hard, and it'll continue to be hard...for another year, or more.
I know I did something horrible but do I deserve to be treated badly?
Our actions have consequences, and so far you're getting off pretty light. If he were cursing you out in front of DC, or being physically abusive or threatening, I'd have different advice. Him venting out his anger with words, is actually a good thing.
I wish my WH would have taken it (the anger). Instead he flipped it around and made me feel like it was my fault. I've learned how to shut up to him, but I'm obviously here...so I guess it only goes so far. Eventually your BS will figure out how to talk about it, as long as you continue to be transparent and making an effort.
Hope this helped a little.
in order to facilitate sale of house
I thought the same thing too. I painted the shed, remodeled the kitchen, etc. It kept me occupied as I tried to get through everything and made the house more marketable just in case we moved to D and needed to unwind everything quickly.